Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 140
I had forgoten my shirt was torn. Torn to the
extent that i thought i wore a sleeveless when i
actually wore a long sleeve shirt.
“Tupac where you dey go wey you dey waka fast
fast like this” I saw Tupac walking towards us. “i
dey go South Africa” he answered.
“you wan jay comot for Naija? Why na? You don
tayah for Naija?” I said.
It had escaped my memory that there was a place
called South Africa in Nekede.
“guy Nigeria go better oh, why you wan comot for
Naija?” I said the r’ubbishest statement in the
Or rather the most r’ubbishest.
Don’t try checking the word “rubbishest” in the
dictionary, you would be causing yourself a
heartache if you do so. Rubbishest is the
superlative of R’ubbish. That is; R’ubbish,
“yes i wan travel go South Africa wey dey your
village” Tupac said.
“you be Mumu, you no know say South Africa dey
for Nekede abi, with this your Big head” Brainbox
slapped my Ogor.
“guy them no born you well make you slap my ogor
again” I threatened.
Ogor isn’t a short form for the Ibo name
Ogochukwu, it is what the mountainious curve at
the back of the head of all H’omo Sapiens is called.
Some humans have a Mountain Kilimangero as
their Ogor, others have Atlas Mountain as theirs,
while some others have Quatara depression as
When i say Quatara depression, i mean those with
Flat Ogor, the kind of SIM card Ogor, the kind of
Drawing board Ogor, the kind of Bicycle seat Ogor.
Legend has it that the brilliant ones are those
with Long Ogor.
If that be the case, then my Cousin Ik should be
the most brilliant H’omo Sapien God created.
Ik’s Ogor could cause traffic congestion.
Sometimes i wondered how his mighty head came
out of his Mother’s womb. By surgical Operation or
by Bomb explosion, or both.
Ik’s Ogor could tear a Face cap and destroy a Hat.
I am Sometimes ashamed of walking with him, but
he is proud of his Ogor come Sunshine come
“no ever slap my Ogor again oh” I warned.
“i no go slap your Ogor again, but next time make
you use your brain think well well, you don forget
say South Africa dey for dis Nekede?” Brainbox
With the bag Tupac carried, i thought he was
leaving Nigeria for greener pastures in South
Africa. Were it to be so, i would had been happy
for him. I had no choice but to be happy for him,
even if i was sure i had not stepped my foot in a
foreign land since i was born.
Sorry, I had been in a foreign land once. In my
The Country i travelled to on a vacation was
Spain. Madrid to be precise. But the dream wasn’t
complete because when i was about having s’ex
with a Spanish beauty queen, my phone woke me.
I almost smashed the Phone on the floor, but
when i saw that the person calling was my Dad, my
frown changed to Smile because i knew money was
already smiling in my bank account.
That was back then in school, one hot afternoon, i
will never forget that dream.
“wetin you wan go do for South Africa?” Brainbox
“i wan go gamble” Tupac replied.
“that Video wey dey your phone, you don watch
am?” I asked Tupac, as i took him to a corner, far
from the reach of Brainbox’s “Antenna ears”.
“i don watch am, una be bad boys oh, how una take
Video Kate and Mama Ejima dey do that thing na?”
“guy i wan go gamble, and i no get money, e be like
say i go use my phone gamble oh” he added.
“i go give you my memory card, so incase them
chop my phone for gamble, the video no go just
go” he further said, as he handed his tiny memory
card to me.
“no wahala, but i wan ask you one question oh” I
said. “wetin be the question” Tupac asked.
“anybody follow you watch the video?” I asked.
“nobody oh” he answered.
“what of Bigie? Him don watch the Video?” I
“after we clear grass finish that day, Bigie comot
for house, na this morning him come back oh”
“i no wan show am the Video sef, because i know
say him get big mouth” He added.
True talk, Bigie’s mouth was as big as his size. He
could go to Kate and demand money from her in
exchange for the Video, and that would me
disaster, real disaster.
“but guy make you and Man give Kate the Video
na, that girl bad oh” Tupac warned.
“i go put the memory card for my phone com delete
the video” I assured. I wasn’t sure i would do such
a thing without reasoning with Man wey dey
“delete am oh, because Kate na green snake oh”
Tupac said as he walked away.
If she was a green snake, then my friend Man the
tamer would tame her. Or so i tot.
“when we go continue our kponkpon work na,
those welders never finish their work?” Brainbox
asked the next morning as we sat at Big boys
“i don call Madam Ifeoma, she say make we give
the welders one week say them get plenty work to
do” Man informed.
“if them like make them use one year do the work,
i no wan work that r’ubbish work again sef” I said.
“Flow you know say you dey talk nonesense? Work
wey dey feed you nahim you dey call r’ubbish work
ba?” Man said.
Yes, Kponkpon could be referred to as the fingers
that fed me, but the money i was getting from the
Jewelleries marketing business was enough for
me. Or so i tot.
Soon, we started arguing football at the top of
All of a sudden, Tupac came out of the compound
with a Lady. Albeit the Lady was beautiful, her
minus was that she was short. Very very short.
“Tupac you don change cloth again” Brainbox said.
And we laughed out loud.
“why una dey laugh na? Una no like my cloth? E no
fine?” Tupac asked what made us laughed the
“e fine, but e too short for you” I said, putting
the laughter at top gear.
Tupac couldn’t comprehend what “cloth” meant, so
he continued staring at the yellow T-shirt he
wore. But it seemed the Lady with him knew that
we were referring to her, as her formerly smiling
face suddenly went pale.
If Ladies were clothes, then Tupac had a loaded
wardrobe. He had them in Varieties, from Suits to
Tuxedos to T-shirts to Jeans to even Okrika
He had more Okrika clothes than Tuxedos. Maybe it
was because Okrika clothes were cheaper and
easier to maintain, little wonder he had a bale of
Okrika clothes in his wardrobe of Ladies.
If you don’t know what “Okrika” is, then you are
not a Nigerian. And if you have not worn an Okrika
before, it means you are the Son or the Daughter
of either Aliko Dangote or Mike Adenuga.
For people like us, we grew up with the Knowledge
that Okrika was affiliated to Tm lewis and Kalvin
kleen. And that Emperor Armani was the same as
Emperor Nnamani of Aba.
“how this my T-shirt take short? You dey see well
so?” Tupac said, as he walked passed us.
Our laughter annoyed the short Lady that had it
been she was with a gun she would had shot us all
What made us laughed the more was viewing both
of them from behind, it was a funny sight to
behold. The Lady’s height couldn’t exceed Tupac’s
stomach. But for the high heel she wore, her
height would had been approximately Tupac’s
“Tupac no dey shame to waka with this short girl?”
I said. “how him go shame to waka with person
wey dey give am Kpormor chop” Man said.
Talking of guys ashamed of their Ladies, i will
never forget my Uncle’s girlfriend. Saying she was
too tall is an understatement, she was taller than
some trees. I am not exaggerating here. She was
d--n too tall.
She loved my Uncle so much, but my Uncle never
reciprocated her Love.
For the short time my Uncle stayed with us in the
barracks, i saw that height wasn’t a barrier
where there is Love. She was practically forcing
herself on my Uncle.
Her visiting wasn’t a problem at all, when she
wanted leaving was the War. Who would see her
off to the bus stop was the Big problem.
My Uncle always pleaded with me to see her off.
He always gave me a bribe of as huge an amount
as 200naira(it was a huge amount then) just to
see her off for not up to 200metres from our
I was 18 then, and taller than most of my friends.
But whenever i saw her off, i always cried within
me at how short i was, my height wasn’t even up
to her h’ips.
Any of my friend that saw me seeing her off
couldn’t just laugh, but would go the extra length
of informing others. They even concluded i was
That never deterred me from seeing her off and
recieving my 200naira bribe.
She always felt bad seeing people laughing at her
because of her height.
Her name was Bola. It would had been better for
her had her parents named her Tola instead of
Sometimes i wondered how My Uncle went through
the Herculean task of having s’ex with her, it
would be like having s’ex with a Coconut tree.
And i sometimes picture them marrying, what kind
of kids would they had given birth to? because my
Uncle was also a bit tall. Maybe their first child
would had been a Sky scraper, and their second
child would had been an Iroko tree.
We had not stopped laughing when a Nissan
Amanda Jeep drove in.
Two persons came out of the Jeep.
The person that came out from the driver’s seat
was Opopo, and the other person was Tega.
Opopo was looking so Opopolicious, and Tega was
looking so Tegalistic.
They were expensively dressed.
“see as my guys baf up eeeeh” I said with my
“Tega na you be this? See Tega oh” Man said as
we shook hands with them.
“na me na, levels don change oh” Tega said
“guy which person car una borrow?” Brainbox
“na my car be this” Opopo said, smiling.
“na lie” I said.
“guy my Maga don pay wella, you never see
anything sef” Opopo said.
“guy talk true na, for where una thief this car?”
Bigie said. “you think say na everybody be thief
like you, na Opopo get this car” Tega said.
It dawned on me at that moment that they were
serious, the car was actually Opopo’s.
Was it the same Opopo i chewed his vomit about
two weeks ago? Did he rob a bank? Were the
questions i asked myself.
“guys, make una touch my body, no be my spirit
stand for una front oh” Opopo beckoned that we
touched him to confirm he was flesh and blood and
Nobody touched him but Flow. I touched him to
confirm that he wasn’t a ghost.
“guy how you take buy this fine Jeep na, abi you
do blood money?” Brainbox who was walking round
the Jeep and admiring it said.
“na your papa do blood money” Opopo cursed.
He was denying the fact that he had soiled his
hands. I was becoming scared of him, because i
was thinking he had used someone’s head or
someone’s p’enis for money rituals.
Talking of what people do for money, i will never
forget Emma best, the guy in my room-mate’s
department back then in school.
The guy was from a poor family, but when we got
to second year, he suddenly became rich. Very
rich that he bought a Honda “End of discussion”
car. His friends even nicknamed him “Karishim
magana” which was the Hausa interpretation of
“End of discussion”
How he suddenly became rich is still unknown to
me even up to this moment. What is known to me is
how he used people’s destiny for money rituals.
He would take like 5guys to drink, intentionally
leaving without his car. And after they had drank
to stupor, he would pay for the drinks.
Him paying for the drinks wasn’t the main issue.
The main issue was that he would empty his wallet
and asked one of the 5guys to give him transport
fare of maybe 50naira.
The person that would offer him the 50naira was
offering him his destiny. You wouldn’t blame that
person, would you? If someone bought you
6bottles of beer and asked you for just 50naira to
transport himself back home, wouldn’t you gladly
give that person the money? Am asking you my
readers, wouldn’t you give that person the
According to people that had gone drinking with
him, he would call one of them aside and said; “guy
i don spend all the money wey i bring come for
them the drink wey we drink, abeg give me
50naira make i use enter bike go house”.
Verily verily i say unto you, that 50naira would
end up in his babalawo shrine, and his babalawo
would multiply the 50naira to 500,000naira.
Maybe the rest 499,950naira was the riches the
person that offered him the 50naira would had
recieved in the nearest future. Or maybe not.
Emma best was so “best” with his tricks that he
had never told one person to offer him “the
One thing about the devil is that; he never gives
permanent riches. When we got to final year,
Emma best became so poor that people started
calling him “Emma worst”.
When the discussion ended for “Karishim magana”
himself was when he was caught with C..ocaine.
He never graduated.
Nkàn bé!!! like the Yorubas would say. Strange
things are really happening in this strange world.
Since then till this moment, whenever i go
drinking with a stupendously rich dude, i go
empty, without even transport fare.
If you like call me “fear-fear” na you sabi. Am
simply applying caution. I don’t want to sell my
riches of tomorrow for just 2bottles of beer.
Note of warning to guys that love free drinks; like
the Bible says, the devil is a king of deception. He
knows that when one is drunk his brain is fast
asleep, nahim make him go use that opportunity
use your brain drink garri.
A drinking table had led so many to kissing the
sky, a drinking table had also led so many to
actualizing their dreams.
“guys me sef go soon buy my own car, make una
give me 1month, just 1month” Tega announced.
“make una go wear cloth make we go drink for
town, make i wash the car for una na” Opopo said.
As Opopo drove us to a drinking bar along Tetlow
road Owerri, i promised myself i would drink just
one bottle, and then one for the road, and then
one more for the road.
To be continued…