Men Dey Reason - S01 E140

Story 2 years ago

Men Dey Reason - S01 E140

Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 140

I had forgoten my shirt was torn. Torn to the

extent that i thought i wore a sleeveless when i

actually wore a long sleeve shirt.

“Tupac where you dey go wey you dey waka fast

fast like this” I saw Tupac walking towards us. “i

dey go South Africa” he answered.

“you wan jay comot for Naija? Why na? You don

tayah for Naija?” I said.

It had escaped my memory that there was a place

called South Africa in Nekede.

“guy Nigeria go better oh, why you wan comot for

Naija?” I said the r’ubbishest statement in the

world.

Or rather the most r’ubbishest.

Don’t try checking the word “rubbishest” in the

dictionary, you would be causing yourself a

heartache if you do so. Rubbishest is the

superlative of R’ubbish. That is; R’ubbish,

Rubbisher, Rubbishest.

“yes i wan travel go South Africa wey dey your

village” Tupac said.

“you be Mumu, you no know say South Africa dey

for Nekede abi, with this your Big head” Brainbox

slapped my Ogor.

“guy them no born you well make you slap my ogor

again” I threatened.

Ogor isn’t a short form for the Ibo name

Ogochukwu, it is what the mountainious curve at

the back of the head of all H’omo Sapiens is called.

Some humans have a Mountain Kilimangero as

their Ogor, others have Atlas Mountain as theirs,

while some others have Quatara depression as

theirs.

When i say Quatara depression, i mean those with

Flat Ogor, the kind of SIM card Ogor, the kind of

Drawing board Ogor, the kind of Bicycle seat Ogor.

Legend has it that the brilliant ones are those

with Long Ogor.

If that be the case, then my Cousin Ik should be

the most brilliant H’omo Sapien God created.

Ik’s Ogor could cause traffic congestion.

Sometimes i wondered how his mighty head came

out of his Mother’s womb. By surgical Operation or

by Bomb explosion, or both.

Ik’s Ogor could tear a Face cap and destroy a Hat.

I am Sometimes ashamed of walking with him, but

he is proud of his Ogor come Sunshine come

Rainfall.

“no ever slap my Ogor again oh” I warned.

“i no go slap your Ogor again, but next time make

you use your brain think well well, you don forget

say South Africa dey for dis Nekede?” Brainbox

said.

With the bag Tupac carried, i thought he was

leaving Nigeria for greener pastures in South

Africa. Were it to be so, i would had been happy

for him. I had no choice but to be happy for him,

even if i was sure i had not stepped my foot in a

foreign land since i was born.

Sorry, I had been in a foreign land once. In my

dream.

The Country i travelled to on a vacation was

Spain. Madrid to be precise. But the dream wasn’t

complete because when i was about having s’ex

with a Spanish beauty queen, my phone woke me.

I almost smashed the Phone on the floor, but

when i saw that the person calling was my Dad, my

frown changed to Smile because i knew money was

already smiling in my bank account.

That was back then in school, one hot afternoon, i

will never forget that dream.

“wetin you wan go do for South Africa?” Brainbox

asked.

“i wan go gamble” Tupac replied.

“that Video wey dey your phone, you don watch

am?” I asked Tupac, as i took him to a corner, far

from the reach of Brainbox’s “Antenna ears”.

“i don watch am, una be bad boys oh, how una take

Video Kate and Mama Ejima dey do that thing na?”

Tupac said.

“guy i wan go gamble, and i no get money, e be like

say i go use my phone gamble oh” he added.

“i go give you my memory card, so incase them

chop my phone for gamble, the video no go just

go” he further said, as he handed his tiny memory

card to me.

“no wahala, but i wan ask you one question oh” I

said. “wetin be the question” Tupac asked.

“anybody follow you watch the video?” I asked.

“nobody oh” he answered.

“what of Bigie? Him don watch the Video?” I

asked.

“after we clear grass finish that day, Bigie comot

for house, na this morning him come back oh”

Tupac said.

“i no wan show am the Video sef, because i know

say him get big mouth” He added.

True talk, Bigie’s mouth was as big as his size. He

could go to Kate and demand money from her in

exchange for the Video, and that would me

disaster, real disaster.

“but guy make you and Man give Kate the Video

na, that girl bad oh” Tupac warned.

“i go put the memory card for my phone com delete

the video” I assured. I wasn’t sure i would do such

a thing without reasoning with Man wey dey

reason.

“delete am oh, because Kate na green snake oh”

Tupac said as he walked away.

If she was a green snake, then my friend Man the

tamer would tame her. Or so i tot.

“when we go continue our kponkpon work na,

those welders never finish their work?” Brainbox

asked the next morning as we sat at Big boys

cutz.

“i don call Madam Ifeoma, she say make we give

the welders one week say them get plenty work to

do” Man informed.

“if them like make them use one year do the work,

i no wan work that r’ubbish work again sef” I said.

“Flow you know say you dey talk nonesense? Work

wey dey feed you nahim you dey call r’ubbish work

ba?” Man said.

Yes, Kponkpon could be referred to as the fingers

that fed me, but the money i was getting from the

Jewelleries marketing business was enough for

me. Or so i tot.

Soon, we started arguing football at the top of

our voices.

All of a sudden, Tupac came out of the compound

with a Lady. Albeit the Lady was beautiful, her

minus was that she was short. Very very short.

“Tupac you don change cloth again” Brainbox said.

And we laughed out loud.

“why una dey laugh na? Una no like my cloth? E no

fine?” Tupac asked what made us laughed the

more.

“e fine, but e too short for you” I said, putting

the laughter at top gear.

Tupac couldn’t comprehend what “cloth” meant, so

he continued staring at the yellow T-shirt he

wore. But it seemed the Lady with him knew that

we were referring to her, as her formerly smiling

face suddenly went pale.

If Ladies were clothes, then Tupac had a loaded

wardrobe. He had them in Varieties, from Suits to

Tuxedos to T-shirts to Jeans to even Okrika

clothes.

He had more Okrika clothes than Tuxedos. Maybe it

was because Okrika clothes were cheaper and

easier to maintain, little wonder he had a bale of

Okrika clothes in his wardrobe of Ladies.

If you don’t know what “Okrika” is, then you are

not a Nigerian. And if you have not worn an Okrika

before, it means you are the Son or the Daughter

of either Aliko Dangote or Mike Adenuga.

For people like us, we grew up with the Knowledge

that Okrika was affiliated to Tm lewis and Kalvin

kleen. And that Emperor Armani was the same as

Emperor Nnamani of Aba.

“how this my T-shirt take short? You dey see well

so?” Tupac said, as he walked passed us.

Our laughter annoyed the short Lady that had it

been she was with a gun she would had shot us all

dead.

What made us laughed the more was viewing both

of them from behind, it was a funny sight to

behold. The Lady’s height couldn’t exceed Tupac’s

stomach. But for the high heel she wore, her

height would had been approximately Tupac’s

waist.

“Tupac no dey shame to waka with this short girl?”

I said. “how him go shame to waka with person

wey dey give am Kpormor chop” Man said.

Talking of guys ashamed of their Ladies, i will

never forget my Uncle’s girlfriend. Saying she was

too tall is an understatement, she was taller than

some trees. I am not exaggerating here. She was

d--n too tall.

She loved my Uncle so much, but my Uncle never

reciprocated her Love.

For the short time my Uncle stayed with us in the

barracks, i saw that height wasn’t a barrier

where there is Love. She was practically forcing

herself on my Uncle.

Her visiting wasn’t a problem at all, when she

wanted leaving was the War. Who would see her

off to the bus stop was the Big problem.

My Uncle always pleaded with me to see her off.

He always gave me a bribe of as huge an amount

as 200naira(it was a huge amount then) just to

see her off for not up to 200metres from our

house.

I was 18 then, and taller than most of my friends.

But whenever i saw her off, i always cried within

me at how short i was, my height wasn’t even up

to her h’ips.

Any of my friend that saw me seeing her off

couldn’t just laugh, but would go the extra length

of informing others. They even concluded i was

dating her.

That never deterred me from seeing her off and

recieving my 200naira bribe.

She always felt bad seeing people laughing at her

because of her height.

Her name was Bola. It would had been better for

her had her parents named her Tola instead of

Bola.

Sometimes i wondered how My Uncle went through

the Herculean task of having s’ex with her, it

would be like having s’ex with a Coconut tree.

And i sometimes picture them marrying, what kind

of kids would they had given birth to? because my

Uncle was also a bit tall. Maybe their first child

would had been a Sky scraper, and their second

child would had been an Iroko tree.

We had not stopped laughing when a Nissan

Amanda Jeep drove in.

Two persons came out of the Jeep.

The person that came out from the driver’s seat

was Opopo, and the other person was Tega.

Opopo was looking so Opopolicious, and Tega was

looking so Tegalistic.

They were expensively dressed.

“see as my guys baf up eeeeh” I said with my

mouth ajar.

“Tega na you be this? See Tega oh” Man said as

we shook hands with them.

“na me na, levels don change oh” Tega said

smiling.

“guy which person car una borrow?” Brainbox

asked.

“na my car be this” Opopo said, smiling.

“na lie” I said.

“guy my Maga don pay wella, you never see

anything sef” Opopo said.

“guy talk true na, for where una thief this car?”

Bigie said. “you think say na everybody be thief

like you, na Opopo get this car” Tega said.

It dawned on me at that moment that they were

serious, the car was actually Opopo’s.

Was it the same Opopo i chewed his vomit about

two weeks ago? Did he rob a bank? Were the

questions i asked myself.

“guys, make una touch my body, no be my spirit

stand for una front oh” Opopo beckoned that we

touched him to confirm he was flesh and blood and

not ghost.

Nobody touched him but Flow. I touched him to

confirm that he wasn’t a ghost.

“guy how you take buy this fine Jeep na, abi you

do blood money?” Brainbox who was walking round

the Jeep and admiring it said.

“na your papa do blood money” Opopo cursed.

He was denying the fact that he had soiled his

hands. I was becoming scared of him, because i

was thinking he had used someone’s head or

someone’s p’enis for money rituals.

Talking of what people do for money, i will never

forget Emma best, the guy in my room-mate’s

department back then in school.

The guy was from a poor family, but when we got

to second year, he suddenly became rich. Very

rich that he bought a Honda “End of discussion”

car. His friends even nicknamed him “Karishim

magana” which was the Hausa interpretation of

“End of discussion”

How he suddenly became rich is still unknown to

me even up to this moment. What is known to me is

how he used people’s destiny for money rituals.

He would take like 5guys to drink, intentionally

leaving without his car. And after they had drank

to stupor, he would pay for the drinks.

Him paying for the drinks wasn’t the main issue.

The main issue was that he would empty his wallet

and asked one of the 5guys to give him transport

fare of maybe 50naira.

The person that would offer him the 50naira was

offering him his destiny. You wouldn’t blame that

person, would you? If someone bought you

6bottles of beer and asked you for just 50naira to

transport himself back home, wouldn’t you gladly

give that person the money? Am asking you my

readers, wouldn’t you give that person the

money?

According to people that had gone drinking with

him, he would call one of them aside and said; “guy

i don spend all the money wey i bring come for

them the drink wey we drink, abeg give me

50naira make i use enter bike go house”.

Verily verily i say unto you, that 50naira would

end up in his babalawo shrine, and his babalawo

would multiply the 50naira to 500,000naira.

Maybe the rest 499,950naira was the riches the

person that offered him the 50naira would had

recieved in the nearest future. Or maybe not.

Emma best was so “best” with his tricks that he

had never told one person to offer him “the

50naira” twice.

One thing about the devil is that; he never gives

permanent riches. When we got to final year,

Emma best became so poor that people started

calling him “Emma worst”.

When the discussion ended for “Karishim magana”

himself was when he was caught with C..ocaine.

He never graduated.

Nkàn bé!!! like the Yorubas would say. Strange

things are really happening in this strange world.

Since then till this moment, whenever i go

drinking with a stupendously rich dude, i go

empty, without even transport fare.

If you like call me “fear-fear” na you sabi. Am

simply applying caution. I don’t want to sell my

riches of tomorrow for just 2bottles of beer.

Note of warning to guys that love free drinks; like

the Bible says, the devil is a king of deception. He

knows that when one is drunk his brain is fast

asleep, nahim make him go use that opportunity

use your brain drink garri.

A drinking table had led so many to kissing the

sky, a drinking table had also led so many to

actualizing their dreams.

“guys me sef go soon buy my own car, make una

give me 1month, just 1month” Tega announced.

“make una go wear cloth make we go drink for

town, make i wash the car for una na” Opopo said.

As Opopo drove us to a drinking bar along Tetlow

road Owerri, i promised myself i would drink just

one bottle, and then one for the road, and then

one more for the road.

To be continued…