Men Dey Reason - S01 E133

Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 133

The time according to my phone was; 11:45am.

That meant we had 1hour 15minutes to our

waterloo.

As a cultist i was, i knew cultist never followed

the famous “African time”. That they keep to time

is an understatement, they always come before

time to take their victims unaware.

“make we dey go beg Kate na” I told Man.

Not knowing Kate wasn’t around.

“kpooon! Kpoon!! Kpoon!” Man knocked at Kate’s

door.

No response.

“e be like say she no dey oh” I said. “yes she no

dey” Man said.

“wetin we go do na?” I asked. I thought his

reponse would had been “when we reach there you

go know”, i would had asked him “where we go

reach? Heaven or Hell?”.

“make we call her” Man suggested. “you get her

number?” I asked. “i get am na” Man brought out

his phone.

“na you go follow her talk oh” Man stated. “guy

bon that thing oh, na you go follow her talk abeg”

I replied almost immediately.

“hello!!” Man begane. “it is I Man, the Man that

reasons” He introduced.

“guy she know say na you na, tell her make she

dey come house now, no use English, use Pidgin” I

said.

“I Just wanted to ask where went you, I and my

Brother Flow wanted to beg you, and told you we

want to delete the Video” English was his problem,

especially when it has to do with conversing with

the opposite sex.

“are you coming back now, I and Flow want to tell

you that we were sorry, and you should forgives

us” Man threw a bomb. I almost laughed so loud,

but if i did, Kate would hear from the recieving

end, and she might think we were making a jest of

her.

Man’s grammar was nothing to write home about.

He was the opposite of a grammarian.

Legend has it that one speaks better when high

on Alcohol or Weed. Truth be told, whoever listens

to me speaking when i am high would think i am

the son of the her majesty the Queen.

But for Man, he was the Bomb. He always let out

his Ballistic missiles from his Arsenal of

grammatical blunders when high.

I will never forget the day I and Man was

returning from Paapa’s place and he saw this

beautiful Lady walking pass us. “hey baby! My

name is Chinonso, tell me your name” Man said.

“you don’t want to told me your name?” He said.

And when he continued bugging the Lady, she

said, “you this J.unkie, why are you disturbing

me”.

Man’s response to what she said made me almost

laughed out my kidney, he said, “I am not born in

June oh, my mother borned me in August”.

The Lady laughed and broke it down for the

“illiterate” Man, she said, “is it not you i saw at

that smoking joint smoking I’ndian H’emp, you

were there na”.

“i were there” Man said, pointing a finger at

himself.

“i saw you na, you were there” The Lady said.

“Flow, i were there” Man turned to Me.

Then he turned to the Lady and said, “i were not

there oh, i were where i went to buy groundnut

oh”, and he showed her the groundnut in his

hands.

The laughter of the Lady made people around

thought she was mad. I controled my laughter so

that Man wouldn’t go angry.

Man’s grammar was so Hausa-ish that even if he

spoke the right thing, whoever heard it would

think what he spoke was wrong.

Why wouldn’t his grammar be Hausa-ish? When he

spent his childhood in “Ugwu Hausa”.

Ugwu Hausa! A place where the condition of

learning is so poor that school children seat under

the Mango tree to learn.

Ugwu Hausa!! A place where malnutrition is the

order of the day.

Ugwu Hausa!!! A place where smoking in the

street is like eating groundnut in the street.

Ugwu Hausa!!!! By the way, that is what most

Ibos call the North. While they call the

Northerners “Ndi Ugwu” meaning “People of the

Hill”. Because they have Hills in abundance.

“what did you say?” Man said to the Callee.

“Callee” is not a French word, neither is it an

English word. It is a “Flow” word.

If a “Caller” is someone making a call, then a

“Callee” is someone recieving the call. So says

Flow.

“we should come and meet you where?” Man asked

the Callee.

“okay, let us come and meet you in Riverside

hotel” Man said to the Callee.

“ehn ehn ehn, you say” It seemed we were

running out of airtime.

“credit don finish” Man said.

“Guy Kate say make we come meet her for

Riverside hotel oh” Man informed.

“River wetin?” I asked.

“Riverside” He answered.

Riverside hotel was a nice hotel no doubt, but the

hotel entertained mostly cultist.

As police always

paid the hotel a visit to catch cultist and robbers

that came to catch fun.

“guy make we no go jor” I said.

“we go go” Man declared.

“go do wetin?” I asked.

“when we reach there you go know” He answered.

Since we had already started with the “Wahala”, it

was best we ended what we started. “make we

go” I said, even though i knew the Buccaneers

would be there with Kate.

“where una dey go?” Begie asked us on our way

out. “Riverside hotel” I replied him.

“mehn i pity una oh” Bigie said.

“no pity us, just help us hold our phone” Man said,

and we handed our “personal” phones to him, and

our wallets also. That was the best thing to do. Or

so i tot.

The only phone with us was our “joint phone”, the

phone that got us into the big “wahala”.

“Man hold the phone well oh” I told Man who held

it like an Egg.

And we walked like two Robots to the dreaded

Riverside hotel.