Men Dey Reason - S01 E100

1 month ago

Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 100

Home sweet home!! We got home to meet Snoop

and Bigie gambling.

“where Baba jay?” Man asked. “him go church”

Snoop answered.

I took my bath, and as i was watching Tv, Man

whispered to my ears; “make we go visit Mama

Ejima na”. “visit her for wetin?” I almost said.

But as he removed our Nokia phone from his

pocket smiling, it dawned on me that it was

Blackmail time.

“kpoon kpoon kpoon!!” Man knocked at Mama

Ejima’s door. “who be that?” Mama Ejima

responded from inside.

“na me, na Man wey dey reason” Man said.

“my husband no dey, him travel” Mama Ejima

informed. “no be your husband we wan see, na

you” said Man.

Mama Ejima hurriedly came to open the door, and

asked; “any problem?”. “no problem, we just come

greet you” Man said as we walked into the room.

“this one wey una come greet me so, hope i dey

safe?” She said as we sat down. “you dey safe”

Man replied.

“you no dey safe oh” I nearly said.

“wetin i go give una na, make i bring meat for

una?” Mama Ejima said. “bring am na” I couldn’t

wait for her to finish saying that before i


Just when i was saying i had eaten enough meat

for the night, came another meat, mighty ones at


I turned and saw that the twins were fast asleep.

They looked like two identical cartoon creatures

as they lie on the bed.

Man feed his eyes with the cases of home movie

CD plates that were piled on the floor, while i was

admiring the huge three pieces of meat in the

plate in front of me. I was wondering how such

huge pieces of meat would enter my small mouth,

but i was sure Man’s wide mouth would

accommodate not only one, but the three pieces of

meat at a time.

“Mama Ejima why you bring three meat when we

be two na, you want make cheating dey abi?” I

nearly said. I assured myself that i would be the

one to eat two pieces of meat, while Man would

eat just one. But in other for me to accomplish it,

i must chew with the speed of light. How possible

was that when my teeth ached because of the

excess meat i ate at Soroagwa’s.

Suddenly Man said, “Mama Ejima you like Nigerian

film well well oh”. “i like am well well na, you know

say i be full time house wife, na dem the film i dey

use busy myself” She answered.

“okay, shebi your phone get Bluetooth?” Man

asked. “yes e get, why you ask?” Mama Ejima

replied. “i ask because e get one Nigerian film wey

i wan send for you” Man said.

“send am na, make i on the Bluetooth” Mama Ejima

said. “you go like the film, Omotola and Genevieve

dey” said Man.

“which day we get this phone wey Man don already

put film inside?” I asked myself as i opened my

mouth wide to force a piece of meat inside.

But as Man turned and wink at me, I realized the

movie he was sending to Mama Ejima’s phone was

the movie Kate acted the lead role, while Mama

Ejima acted the supporting role.

I guessed Kate was Omotola, while Mama Ejima

was Genieve. Come to think of it, they both were

a picture perfect of both actresses in looks.

Albeit I looked like a Clown as i chewed, I tried my

possible best not to chew my tongue along with

the meat.

The room was silent for while, what could be

heard was the irritating noise my mouth made as i

started chewing my second piece of meat, while

Man started chewing his first.

“Mama Ejima the movie don enter your phone, play

am” Man informed.

She smiled as she took her phone to play the

movie. A movie i titled in my mind; “The downfall of

the L’esbians”.

Her smile turned frown within a twinkle of an eye,

from frown, i saw tears clouded her eyes.

She ran to where we sat and pleaded saying;

“abeg anything wey una want i go give una, make

una no let my husband see this video”

“anything? Even your Kpormor” I nearly said.

“which day your husband go come back?” Man

asked. “na next tomorrow” She responded


“Okay we give you from now till when your husband

comes back to pay us the sum of 50,000naira only,

or else, your husband will see this video” Man

spoke English for the first time since i knew him.

Why wouldn’t he speak English? When we would

soon be as rich as Bassey and company.

“bros, 50,000 too much” Mama Ejima cried as she

was fidgety. She had never called any of us “bros”

before but such situation warranted her to even

call us “chairmen”.

“e too much abi? No worry when ur marriage

scatter, i go see if 50k go arrange ur marriage

back” Man said and headed to the door. “i go pay

oh, I go pay” Mama Ejima cried.

As she shook like a Jelly fish, her “parting frame”

also shook.

My dirty mind suggested something to me.

I gave her parting frame a parting gift of

f’ondling. And she said, “thank you bros”.

“Baba jay you don come back?” I said as we

entered our room. “i don come back oh, Pkc dey

come sef, him say him no go sleep for church

today” Baba jay replied.

“Baba jay na 20k dey here, if i go work tomorrow i

go give you the remaining 13k” I handed Baba jay


“Baba jay na 15k wey i chop Bigie and Tupac for

gamble today be this, if i chop them again

tomorrow i go pay you the remaining” Snoop

handed Baba jay 15,000naira.

“na 33k dey here, i don pay finish be that” Man

handed Baba jay his complete money.

Baba jay painstakingly counted all the money and

said, “early mor-mor tomorrow, i go go give this

money to the welder wey dey do the container,

him don finish am, na make i just pay am finish

com carry the container”.

Early mor-mor means early morning.

Since the business was for the good of all of us, i

was sure the money wouldn’t be stolen.

Commander Bigie had gone to his room to sleep,

and his second in command Brainbox was part of

the business, so no one else could steal the

money, or so i tot.

“where Tega go na?” I asked. “him travel go Delta

state” Snoop answered.

Tega had told I and Man one evening that he would

go and suckle “Anra Nwanyi Asaba”, so that his

Yahoo-yahoo business would flourish. He said he

wanted to take the risk.

Risk!! Risk!! Risk!! That was what my friends

were all about. From the Notorious robber Bigie,

to the Babalawo Man, to Brainbox with the brain

of five persons put together, to Tega who wanted

to get money from the devil, amongst others.

I am not sure i would ever meet such friends in my


Before i forgot, Anra means B”reast, Nwanyi

means Woman, and Asaba is the same Asaba you

know as the capital of Delta state.

Tega wanted to go suckle the b”reast of a

priestess in Asaba so his Yahoo-yahoo business

would blossom. And money would p’ump in. That

was his belief.

Rumour had it when i was in school that a guy in

my department suckled the b”reast of the

priestess and succeeded in yahoo-yahooing his

way to own an expensive car at 22. The guy was

the talk of the town as girls clustered around him

like bee to nectar.

Legend has it that suckling the gigantic b”reast

of the priestess would make one succeed in

whatever he does. But Flow has it that; “the devil

gives with the right hand and takes with the


“Baba jay na you dey sleep for ground today, why

you com cancel your name com put my name” Man

said as he was staring at the sleeping timetable

on top of the table.

“guy make you no talk that thing oh, that day wey

i come back from church late wey na you suppose

sleep for ground, i meet you dey sleep for bed, i

no talk anything, i just sleep for ground” Baba jay


“forget that day oh, that day don pass, today na

you dey sleep for ground” Man said.

“guy make you no try me me oh, i dey warn you oh”

Baba jay said pointing a finiger at Man.

What i thought wouldn’t get to an extent of

quarelling, as tempers were boiling, i could tell a

quarel was knocking. Or even a fight.

“who you dey warn?” Man queried. “na you, i no be

your mate oh” Baba jay said.

“guy, you be old man but you no dey respect

yourself” Man thundered.

“guy i go just beat you like small pekin” Baba jay


“even if hundred of your type fight me, them no

go fit beat me” Man threatened.

“make una come warn Man oh, i go beat am oh”

Baba jay said as he moved closer to Man with his

fist clenched.

“guy you no go fit beat Man oh” I nearly whispered

to Baba jay as i held him.

The next thing i saw, Man was with a knife

threatening to stab Baba jay. “make una hold Man

oh” I yelled, as Snoop and Brainbox held Man


So if Man was left, he would had stabbed Baba jay

with the knife? God forbid bad thing!! That would

had been my last night in Nekede, i would had

taken the next available Flight, sorry, Bus to


As i held Baba jay firmly, i noticed his whole body

was vibrating. “leave me, make i teach am lesson”

Baba jay said.

“make i leave you make you teach person wey hold

Knife lesson abi? You wan die be that oh” I nearly


Legend has it that Northerners loves fighting

with sharp objects like Knife and daggar. And Man

grew up in the North, so i blamed him not.

I couldn’t tell whether it was “Jaz” or “voodoo”

that Man used on Brainbox and Snoop that they let

go of him and he dashed towards Baba jay with

the knife.

I could tell his mission was to divide Baba jay’s

“Ishi Ukwu” to two equal halves with the knife he


Ishi Ukwu means Big head. Of course Baba jay had

a Big head. His head was also square in shape like

a Tv screen.

Suddenly, Pkc rushed into the room to save the

day by pushing Man away. And MOG quickly

collected the knife from him.

That night i promised myself not to sleep by the

side of Man, so he wouldn’t mistake me for Baba

jay and stab me in the middle of the night.

To be continued…

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Men Dey Reason - S01 E99

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