Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 100
Home sweet home!! We got home to meet Snoop
and Bigie gambling.
“where Baba jay?” Man asked. “him go church”
I took my bath, and as i was watching Tv, Man
whispered to my ears; “make we go visit Mama
Ejima na”. “visit her for wetin?” I almost said.
But as he removed our Nokia phone from his
pocket smiling, it dawned on me that it was
“kpoon kpoon kpoon!!” Man knocked at Mama
Ejima’s door. “who be that?” Mama Ejima
responded from inside.
“na me, na Man wey dey reason” Man said.
“my husband no dey, him travel” Mama Ejima
informed. “no be your husband we wan see, na
you” said Man.
Mama Ejima hurriedly came to open the door, and
asked; “any problem?”. “no problem, we just come
greet you” Man said as we walked into the room.
“this one wey una come greet me so, hope i dey
safe?” She said as we sat down. “you dey safe”
“you no dey safe oh” I nearly said.
“wetin i go give una na, make i bring meat for
una?” Mama Ejima said. “bring am na” I couldn’t
wait for her to finish saying that before i
Just when i was saying i had eaten enough meat
for the night, came another meat, mighty ones at
I turned and saw that the twins were fast asleep.
They looked like two identical cartoon creatures
as they lie on the bed.
Man feed his eyes with the cases of home movie
CD plates that were piled on the floor, while i was
admiring the huge three pieces of meat in the
plate in front of me. I was wondering how such
huge pieces of meat would enter my small mouth,
but i was sure Man’s wide mouth would
accommodate not only one, but the three pieces of
meat at a time.
“Mama Ejima why you bring three meat when we
be two na, you want make cheating dey abi?” I
nearly said. I assured myself that i would be the
one to eat two pieces of meat, while Man would
eat just one. But in other for me to accomplish it,
i must chew with the speed of light. How possible
was that when my teeth ached because of the
excess meat i ate at Soroagwa’s.
Suddenly Man said, “Mama Ejima you like Nigerian
film well well oh”. “i like am well well na, you know
say i be full time house wife, na dem the film i dey
use busy myself” She answered.
“okay, shebi your phone get Bluetooth?” Man
asked. “yes e get, why you ask?” Mama Ejima
replied. “i ask because e get one Nigerian film wey
i wan send for you” Man said.
“send am na, make i on the Bluetooth” Mama Ejima
said. “you go like the film, Omotola and Genevieve
dey” said Man.
“which day we get this phone wey Man don already
put film inside?” I asked myself as i opened my
mouth wide to force a piece of meat inside.
But as Man turned and wink at me, I realized the
movie he was sending to Mama Ejima’s phone was
the movie Kate acted the lead role, while Mama
Ejima acted the supporting role.
I guessed Kate was Omotola, while Mama Ejima
was Genieve. Come to think of it, they both were
a picture perfect of both actresses in looks.
Albeit I looked like a Clown as i chewed, I tried my
possible best not to chew my tongue along with
The room was silent for while, what could be
heard was the irritating noise my mouth made as i
started chewing my second piece of meat, while
Man started chewing his first.
“Mama Ejima the movie don enter your phone, play
am” Man informed.
She smiled as she took her phone to play the
movie. A movie i titled in my mind; “The downfall of
Her smile turned frown within a twinkle of an eye,
from frown, i saw tears clouded her eyes.
She ran to where we sat and pleaded saying;
“abeg anything wey una want i go give una, make
una no let my husband see this video”
“anything? Even your Kpormor” I nearly said.
“which day your husband go come back?” Man
asked. “na next tomorrow” She responded
“Okay we give you from now till when your husband
comes back to pay us the sum of 50,000naira only,
or else, your husband will see this video” Man
spoke English for the first time since i knew him.
Why wouldn’t he speak English? When we would
soon be as rich as Bassey and company.
“bros, 50,000 too much” Mama Ejima cried as she
was fidgety. She had never called any of us “bros”
before but such situation warranted her to even
call us “chairmen”.
“e too much abi? No worry when ur marriage
scatter, i go see if 50k go arrange ur marriage
back” Man said and headed to the door. “i go pay
oh, I go pay” Mama Ejima cried.
As she shook like a Jelly fish, her “parting frame”
My dirty mind suggested something to me.
I gave her parting frame a parting gift of
f’ondling. And she said, “thank you bros”.
“Baba jay you don come back?” I said as we
entered our room. “i don come back oh, Pkc dey
come sef, him say him no go sleep for church
today” Baba jay replied.
“Baba jay na 20k dey here, if i go work tomorrow i
go give you the remaining 13k” I handed Baba jay
“Baba jay na 15k wey i chop Bigie and Tupac for
gamble today be this, if i chop them again
tomorrow i go pay you the remaining” Snoop
handed Baba jay 15,000naira.
“na 33k dey here, i don pay finish be that” Man
handed Baba jay his complete money.
Baba jay painstakingly counted all the money and
said, “early mor-mor tomorrow, i go go give this
money to the welder wey dey do the container,
him don finish am, na make i just pay am finish
com carry the container”.
Early mor-mor means early morning.
Since the business was for the good of all of us, i
was sure the money wouldn’t be stolen.
Commander Bigie had gone to his room to sleep,
and his second in command Brainbox was part of
the business, so no one else could steal the
money, or so i tot.
“where Tega go na?” I asked. “him travel go Delta
state” Snoop answered.
Tega had told I and Man one evening that he would
go and suckle “Anra Nwanyi Asaba”, so that his
Yahoo-yahoo business would flourish. He said he
wanted to take the risk.
Risk!! Risk!! Risk!! That was what my friends
were all about. From the Notorious robber Bigie,
to the Babalawo Man, to Brainbox with the brain
of five persons put together, to Tega who wanted
to get money from the devil, amongst others.
I am not sure i would ever meet such friends in my
Before i forgot, Anra means B”reast, Nwanyi
means Woman, and Asaba is the same Asaba you
know as the capital of Delta state.
Tega wanted to go suckle the b”reast of a
priestess in Asaba so his Yahoo-yahoo business
would blossom. And money would p’ump in. That
was his belief.
Rumour had it when i was in school that a guy in
my department suckled the b”reast of the
priestess and succeeded in yahoo-yahooing his
way to own an expensive car at 22. The guy was
the talk of the town as girls clustered around him
like bee to nectar.
Legend has it that suckling the gigantic b”reast
of the priestess would make one succeed in
whatever he does. But Flow has it that; “the devil
gives with the right hand and takes with the
“Baba jay na you dey sleep for ground today, why
you com cancel your name com put my name” Man
said as he was staring at the sleeping timetable
on top of the table.
“guy make you no talk that thing oh, that day wey
i come back from church late wey na you suppose
sleep for ground, i meet you dey sleep for bed, i
no talk anything, i just sleep for ground” Baba jay
“forget that day oh, that day don pass, today na
you dey sleep for ground” Man said.
“guy make you no try me me oh, i dey warn you oh”
Baba jay said pointing a finiger at Man.
What i thought wouldn’t get to an extent of
quarelling, as tempers were boiling, i could tell a
quarel was knocking. Or even a fight.
“who you dey warn?” Man queried. “na you, i no be
your mate oh” Baba jay said.
“guy, you be old man but you no dey respect
yourself” Man thundered.
“guy i go just beat you like small pekin” Baba jay
“even if hundred of your type fight me, them no
go fit beat me” Man threatened.
“make una come warn Man oh, i go beat am oh”
Baba jay said as he moved closer to Man with his
“guy you no go fit beat Man oh” I nearly whispered
to Baba jay as i held him.
The next thing i saw, Man was with a knife
threatening to stab Baba jay. “make una hold Man
oh” I yelled, as Snoop and Brainbox held Man
So if Man was left, he would had stabbed Baba jay
with the knife? God forbid bad thing!! That would
had been my last night in Nekede, i would had
taken the next available Flight, sorry, Bus to
As i held Baba jay firmly, i noticed his whole body
was vibrating. “leave me, make i teach am lesson”
Baba jay said.
“make i leave you make you teach person wey hold
Knife lesson abi? You wan die be that oh” I nearly
Legend has it that Northerners loves fighting
with sharp objects like Knife and daggar. And Man
grew up in the North, so i blamed him not.
I couldn’t tell whether it was “Jaz” or “voodoo”
that Man used on Brainbox and Snoop that they let
go of him and he dashed towards Baba jay with
I could tell his mission was to divide Baba jay’s
“Ishi Ukwu” to two equal halves with the knife he
Ishi Ukwu means Big head. Of course Baba jay had
a Big head. His head was also square in shape like
a Tv screen.
Suddenly, Pkc rushed into the room to save the
day by pushing Man away. And MOG quickly
collected the knife from him.
That night i promised myself not to sleep by the
side of Man, so he wouldn’t mistake me for Baba
jay and stab me in the middle of the night.
To be continued…