Men Dey Reason - S01 E39

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Men Dey Reason - S01 E39

Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 39

“GGuy no be today we go go dat Nekede Exclusive

garden, na tomorrow, i wan go fill JAMB form”

Man said the next morning after morning

devotion. “me sef dey comot, i dey enter IMSU,

the course wey i get spill over na today them dey

do the test” I said.

I came back from school at about 2pm and met a

full house save Pkc. “where Pkc go na?” I asked,

“u dey ask M’umu question, shey you no know

where him dey dey? na Church na” Snoop replied.

“food dey house?” I asked, “no food oh” Man

responded.

As we sat under the Mango tree munching unripe

P-square, then came Bigie. The Notorious BIG.

“dis one wey una dey chop P-square wey no ripe,

food no dey una house?” Bigie asked, “food no

dey house oh” the revenous Baba jay responded.

“guys i get one good idea oh, make we catch some

of dis Haruna fowl cook chop na, him no dey house

oh” Notorious BIG suggested. Good idea indeed.

I never bought the idea, but what was i to do? An

idle mind is the devil’s workshop, they say.

We bagan to chase the fowls around the

compound. I knew it wouldn’t be a wild Goose

chase.

Bigie caught a hen that was as f’at as himself, he

handed it over to me, and i tranfered it to a big

drum. Next, Brainbox caught a c’ock, he handed it

over to me and i tranfered it to the big drum. At

the end of the chase that lasted for about an

hour, we caught 4hens and 2c’ocks.

Althrough while we were chasing the fowls, Daniel

and David were watching us keenly. I was

wondering what they would be saying in their

minds, maybe they would be saying, “these men

are thieves, i don’t want to be like them when i

grow up”. Same thing i said when i was their age,

i said i wouldn’t smoke but i turned out to be a

Lord of smoke, i said i wouldn’t womanize but i

turned out having s’ex with a woman old enough

to be my mum. My next s’ex escapade might be

with a woman old enough to be my grandmum, or so

i tot.

We fetched firewood, made fire outside, and we

started preparing chicken pepper soup.

Since Haruna had almost a hundred fowls, he

would hardly notice we stole six fowls, just six

fowls, or so i tot.

Snoop bought three bottles of Baron de vale wine

for us to use to send home the chicken pepper

soup. How thoughtful of Snoop. But where did he

get the money for the drinks? I was sure he

didn’t steal it because non of my roomates were

thieves, i could confidently say that, or so i tot.

The chicken pepper soup was ready within an

hour.

Man was the first to munch his share of the meat,

as he took the first big bite, David and Daniel

cheered, “Man wey dey reason!!”. “eeeeeh!

Children Children” Man said to them.

“make we come chop?” Daniel and David chorused.

“i resemble una Papa? Abeg make una go read una

book” Man replied them.

The two kids walked away, and as they were a bit

far, they shouted, “Man wey dey thief Fowl” and

they ran.

Daniel and David got close to their house, stopped

abruptly, and yelled, “Man wey dey thief fowl”.

Man looked at them and smiled. But when they

yelled, “Brainbox wey dey thief fowl”, Brainbox

stood up and chased them. They ran into thier

house and locked the door.

I quickly took some chunks of meat from

Brainbox’s plate of chicken pepper soup.

As i turned to see if Brainbox was coming, i saw

him doing something else.

He was “Flatscreening”. He was peeping through

the window of Mama and Papa Ejima’s bathroom,

viewing Mama Ejima as she was taking her bath.

The “left” side of my mind told me to go join him,

while the “right” side of my mind warned me

against going. “go watch free b’lue film na” the

left side of my mind suggested, “no go oh, what

of if Papa Ejima come back, u know say na by dis

time him dey come back” the right side of my mind

warned. “shebi if him dey come, u go hear him

motor noise, go jor” the left side of my mind told

me.

I fought the temptation fiercely. I won the battle

Even though i had a crush on Mama Ejima.

It seemed Brainbox was watching Part 1 and Part

2 of the B’lue film, because he was taking so long.

Not knowing the B’lue film he was watching on

“flatscreen” would soon turn horror film.

Papa Ejima arrived without his car. And Brother

Brainbox was still peeping Mama Ejima.

I felt like shouting, “Brainbox comot there!!!”

but everything happened too sudden. Morealso,

Papa Ejima was walking very fast. With every step

Papa Ejima took, i wept for Brainbox.

“what are u doing standing close to my Bathroom

window?” Papa Ejima queried, “eeehnnnn! ehnnn!

Na Lizard i dey pursue, ehnnn! ehnn! the Lizard

don enter ur bathroom” Brainbox stammered.

Papa Ejima noticed his wife was in the bathroom,

he said, “so u are peeping my wife as she is taking

her bath ehnnnn?” Papa Ejima grabbed Brainbox’s

shirt, i could see Papa Ejima’s face spelt fury,

“ehnnnnn I no look ur wife oh, i close my eye when

i dey pursue the Lizard, so i no see anything”

Brainbox cried out.

Once a boxer, always a boxer.

Papa Ejima clinged his fist and landed a punch to

Brainbox’s chest. The punch was as heavy as the

punch of Mike Tyson and Evander Hollifield put

together.

Brainbox fell to the ground convulsing, with a

foamy substance coming out of his mouth.

We all came closer to meet Brainbox shaking like a

Jelly fish on the ground. “u don kill am oh” Man

said, “na because him dey look ur wife wey dey

baf” Snoop said, “na only u get wife wey fine?”

Bigie said.

As they were all raining abuses on Papa Ejima, i

couldn’t find my speech, “so na like dis Brainbox

my guy take go? My guy! My man! My nigga! My

pardy” I was lost in my tots.

At that moment, Mama Ejima came out with a

towel covering her body. She came to meet the

u’gly scene.

Tears came running down my cheek for the first

time in a long while.

“make we rush am go hospital, where ur motor

na?” Man queried Papa Ejima. “my car is with the

mechanic, that is why i came home on foot” Papa

Ejima replied. Papa Ejima was fidgety, i saw

“Fear” written all over him. “since the hospital

no far, make i carry am for my shoulder na” Snoop

suggested f’oolishly, but i wouldn’t blame him, he

just wanted to save a dying friend.

“make una put am for my motor, make we carry am

go hospital before him go die” Haruna who just

drove in offered. They all managed to enter the

car except Me and Baba jay. I just couldn’t go

with them, because my whole body was stiff. I

couldn’t move.

As Haruna’s car zoomed off, i couldn’t help but

cried. They say; “Big boys don’t cry”, but not

when the Big boy’s best friend was about dying.

“Flow, i don comot for house oh, i no want make

police come arrest me say i dey here when them

Kill Brainbox oh” Baba jay said to me as i was lying

on the bed. “haba!! Baba jay why u dey yan like

dis, Brainbox never die na” I replied, “i don tell u

my own, i don comot for house” Baba jay said and

left the room.

Like they say; “A friend in need is a friend

indeed”, i couldn’t imagine myself saying what

Baba jay said. How could i leave when Brainbox

needed me the most? Well, Baba jay lived like an

island, he cared about no one but himself, when

he was actually living at the mercies of the rest

of us.

“if Police like make them come, i ready to go police

station because of my guy Brainbox” i tot.

I could even take a bullet for Brainbox, or so i tot.

As i lay on the bed, sleep came and i slept off. I

had a horrible dream, “Flow!! Help me, help me!!”

Brainbox cried out for help as we were swimming

in Otammiri river. I swam so fast combining

butterfly stroke and back stroke, still i couldn’t

get to Brainbox fast enough. The water current

was moving fast, and Brainbox was trying his best

to swim, but he couldn’t because the current was

against him, “Brainbox!! try swim na!!” I

shouted, “Flow i no sabi swim na” Brainbox cried.

The water current was carrying him gradually,

gradually, and gone. Brainbox was gone. Otammiri

had carried him.

“Brainbox!! Brainbox!! Brainbox!!” i shouted at

the top of my voice.

I was brought back to reality from dreamland by

the ringing of my phone. I recieved the call from

my Mum, she just wanted to know how i fared.

“which kin dream be dis? Me wey no sabi swim, na

me com dey wan help Brainbox wey sabi swim,

wetin dis dream mean na?” I pondered.

I could suddenly feel that my bladder was full, and

about to burst. It was as if i drank the whole

water in Otammiri River in my dream.

As i stood up to go ease myself in the toilet, i

heard, “Gbaaam!! Gbaaaam! Gbaaaaam!! Open dis

door!!” someone was knocking hard on the door,

“walahi if u no open dis door ehnnn?” i realized it

was Haruna.

“wetin Haruna want na? Abi him wan tell me say

Brainbox don die?” the tot of this sent goose

pimples all over my body.

I wanted to go ease myself first before i get the

door, but as he continued knocking hard, i had no

choice but to get the door.

The first thing i saw as i opened the door was a

curved dagger.

“u see dis dagger? Nahim i go use kill all of una

wey chop my fowl, as una take cut my fowl neck

naso i go cut una neck, after i kill una finish i go

use una do suya” Haruna threatened with a stony

face.

As i saw the glittering dagger coming close to me,

i caught instant cold.

Before i knew it, urine had started flowing out of

my p”enis. I had peed on my trousers.

“i dey come back for una” Haruna said bringing

the dagger close to my stomach, very close. I tot

he wanted to stab me, so the speed at which urine

gushed out of my p”enis increased, and it gushed

as fast as water gushing from a tap.

Haruna left me in a pool of my urine. The whole

room was flooded, not with water but with urine.

The next day, Brainbox was discharged from the

hospital.

“e get as dis house dey smell since yesterday oh”

Man said. “na true talk oh” Snoop added.

“maybe na dat dustbin wey dey outside” I said.

“no be dustbin jor, the thing dey smell like piss,

abi person piss for our rug?” Man inquired.

“maybe na Daniel and David” I said.

At that moment, Bigie came in, “Bigie where

tupac na?” Man asked, “him go gym for Tony side”

Bigie replied, “ehenn! Make we go gym na, e don

tay wey i gym sef” Man said. “who be Tony?” I

intentionally asked knowing what would be Man’s

response, “when we reach there, you go see am”

He replied.

“i go follow una go gym oh” Brainbox said.

“ehnnn! U wan die? e be like say life no dey sweat

you again? U just dey come back from hospital

because of blow wey Papa Ejima blow you for

chest, u wan com follow us go gym” I said.

I, Man, Bigie and Snoop were off to Tony’s place,

which was the next compound.

We got to the shanty looking hostel and we walked

straight to the backyard, where the gym was.

Tony’s gym was equiped with two barbells and four

dumb-bells.

We met Tupac alone working out. He wasn’t only

working out, he “garnished” it with igboh.

My oh my!! How i loved working out and smoking at

the same time. It reminded me of a place called

“Sokoto”. Sokoto was a bush path in the barracks

where we gathered every evening to smoke weed.

And at the back of Sokoto was a local gym

constructed by a member of Sokoto.

I was displaying the stuff i was made of. I was

displaying my “gyming skill”, when a guy came,

“whooooooooo beeeeee this?” I tot he was

singing, “Tuuuuuupaaaac, i saaaaaaay whoooo

beee this?” He said stamping his foot on the

ground, i tot he was dancing.

He wasn’t Singing, neither was he dancing. He

was a heavy stammerer. And his name was

“Toooooony”. My bad! Tony.

“na my guy be dis, him name na Flow” Tupac

introduced me to Tony. “ooooookay, Flooooooow

hoooow far?” Tony said giving me a handshake.

Mehn! Tony was going through Hell as a

stammerer. Although, stamping his foot on the

floor seemed like he was dancing “Atilogu”, he did

so to ease the stammering.

Since i was born, i had never seen such a

stammerer. His stammering sounded more like rap

music. Hard core rap music.

Since we were smoking and at the same time

working out, we never saw Time flew.

Darkness came gradually, and soon it was night.

After working out and smoking, what comes to

mind? Food! Food! and Food!

It was Baba jay’s turn to cook, so we got home to

meet a delicious Okro soup.

It was my turn to lie on the floor that night.

That night i called Florence. I had earlier told her

on phone that i would give her a mid night call.

because it was free. She bought the idea

anyways.

I was lying on the floor “Jejely” making my call

and using sweat words to woo Florence, when i

heard a thundering b”ang on our door. I stood up

to see who was the f’ool b”anging at our door at

such an unholy hour.

It was no f”ool, it was the Wise ones.

The gentlemen in black.