Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 117
Subtitle: Fu*ck Fakers
Me: ehhnn! Madam Cash, marriage no be business oohh.
Madam Cash: why you dey behave like small pikin? anything wey involve money na business.
Me: ona don share my present and future salary, I go think about am. Give me indomie four hundred naira own and three eggs.
Madam Cash: na now you come, Beauty give your future husband wetin him want?
Beauty: okay, aunty.
The girl went inside the big store while I stood outside waiting for my order, I turned my face to my yard side and saw Mama Iyawo coming towards the store.
The only provision store in the street, nobody wan compete with Madam Cash and I wonder why.
Madam Cash was whistling and arranging her goods on the big tables under the shade attached to her store.
Mama Iyawo: Honourable, na here you dey.
Me: yes oh, I come find my belle.
Madam Cash: aahh! Mama Iyawo, I don bring wife for ona landlord oohh!
The girl came out of the store with nylon bag that she have carefully arranged my order inside, I took it from her and she blush hiding away her face.
Mama Iyawo: na this fine girl?
Madam Cash: yes, I want make she marry ona handsome landlord.
Mama Iyawo: our landlord don get one fine girl wey him dey date oohh! you no know Veronica that Cynthia friend?
Me: Mama Iyawo, tell am oohh!
Madam Cash: ona be small pikin, she fit be second wife, rich man suppose marry more than one wife ask Solomon for bible.
Me: I no be Solomon.
I turned to my yard and started walking away, I went pass Madam Cash house gate and then walk further to my yard.
Mama Iyawo started calling me to stop from behind, I was very close to entering my yard.
I turned and waited for her, she came close.
Mama Iyawo: I been dey look for you, I even come knock for your door but your friend say you go buy something to eat.
Me: you see me for Madam Cash store, wetin happen this one you dey look for me?
Mama Iyawo: thank you, if no be you I for don commot from my husband house.
Me: you no need to thank me, but change nodey sleep around.
Mama Iyawo: I don already change, them don carry my husband come this state.
I went inside my room and met Ugochukwu watching movie, lying on the bed with both arms supporting his chin.
Me: you don baf?
Ugochukwu: I don baf finish, how far? wetin you buy?
Me: I buy indomie and egg, cook am make I go baf.
Ugochukwu: I no sabi cook, go cook that thing if you wan eat am.
Me: if you no sabi cook, roast am, if you nofit roast the indomie, fry am. Anyhow you do am, I go eat am I dey go baf.
I kept the nylon bag on the table and went inside the bathroom, I took my bath and rubbed my cream.
I sat on the bed and started smelling burnt smell from the kitchen, I come dey wonder wetin Ugochukwu dey do for kitchen.
Me: no burn this house oohh! I shout
Ugochukwu: he shout back relax! I dey toast indomie for you.
I waited for several minutes when Ugochukwu brought in two plates of hot indomie, he served them on the table.
I picked up the fork and timed the fish in it and chuk, brought it to my lips and then open my mouth.
Me: you put salt for this thing?
Ugochukwu: only one spoon.
Me: one spoon of salt for this indomie? I nodey eat this thing oohh! do quick make we go Governor house so that I go eat for there.
I stood up and dressed up, he didn’t finish the indomie.
If na another person cook am him stomach for don build another two bedroom flats to store food, he took the plates to the kitchen and we both headed to the car.
He took the wheel while I sat on the passenger seat.
My phone rang it was a call from the Governor confirming were we are, I told him we were on our way.
Me: shame dey catch me anytime I look you.
Me: why you no sabi cook common indomie, shame nodey catch you?
Ugochukwu: cooking na women thing.
I ran out of words to even speak sense to the individual person driving the car, we were let in inside the governor’s residence.
I nofit wait to fly enter inside the house and locate the kitchen, all my plans failed when I saw fleet of cars lined up about to move away from the residence.
The first car moved pass us in the large drive way, one of the car slowed down and I asked Ugochukwu to stop.
The car by the side of my car door mirror was brought down and I saw the Governor sitting at the back with the First Lady.
Governor: you are late, son.
Me: yes, father.
Governor: join us.
Ugochukwu didn’t even wait for my opinion he sped down the drive way and then reversed in the open compound smiling, he joined the fleet of cars from behind and we followed the escort.
Ugochukwu: na your belle go tell you.
Me: if hunger kill me, em no go better for you.
Ugochukwu: hungry nodey kill anybody, em go only make your head big pass your body.
The worms in my stomach reminded me that I haven’t eaten.