Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 116
Subtitle: Fu*ck Fakers.
Mama Iyawo: I no know any other men, na only Papa Iyawo dey service me woman you lie
Me: Papa Iyawo, oga you no suppose dey disgrace your wife like this. You no love Mama Iyawo.
Papa Iyawo: if I no love Mama Iyawo I for marry her? but wetin people dey talk about Mama Iyawo and other men dey break my heart.
Me: Papa Iyawo, since them don post you back to this state you no go get wahala to track the other men, but denying Mama Iyawo that thing you dey sponsor other men..
Papa Iyawo: na truth you talk, but Mama Iyawo get belle and I know say no be my pikin.
Mama Iyawo: how em no go be your pikin? you no remember say you knack last Month without condom too much info
Me: Papa Iyawo, aahh ahh! she never even born the pikin you don dey deny am, abeg go your house settle with your wife no bring her leg come outside.
Mama Iyawo: thank you, Oga Landlord.
Me: mba! is Honourable talk and do.
Papa Iyawo: thank you.
Both of them got up and left my room in peace, ona dey find who go scatter ona marriage no be me.
I slapped Ugochukwu who was snoring and sleeping like a dead man on the bed.
Ugochukwu: wetin na?! your area madmen no gree make I sleep for night, you no want my also sleep for day, may I know why?
Me: the why be say day don break and we suppose go governor house this early mormor for rally.
Ugochukwu: he hiss na that one make you land me that kind resounding slap?
Me: oga stand up abeg, I don go baf.
Ugochukwu: you dey tell me as your homo mate or wetin?
I ignored him and went inside the bathroom, I decided to check if there is still water in the tank because you can’t trust these my tenants when there is power outage.
I switched on the shower and the thing only made sound and not even a drop of water leaked from the shower’s big head.
I took two buckets from the bathroom and came to find Ugochukwu still lying on the bed, I woke him up.
Me: take?! I give one of the bucket
Ugochukwu: wetin I wan use bucket do?
Me: for exercise.
Ugochukwu: if I wan take build my body na with this weightless bucket?
Me: you go soon see wetin go give am weight, abeg stand up make we go fetch water.
Ugochukwu: you nofit pump water for stingy sake, which kind human being you be sef?
Me: economical being, stop to dey nag like pregnant girl, biko stand up.
I waited for him till he sluggishly got up and followed me, we went inside the compound of the yard and saw Papa Michael fetching water with his pot-belle forming canopy over the wall’s mouth.
Papa Michael: aaahh! aahhh! Honourable, wetin you dey do with bucket?
Me: I wan fetch water na.
Papa Michael: just speak make water appear for your bathroom you go see water there.
Me: if na to buy fuel pump water for ona, you have failed.
Joseph stood at the entrance of the restroom hallway and looked around.
Joseph: who thief my water? I go kill person who thief my water?!
Everybody started bursting out of their room taking their positions at the corner of their doors awaiting the outcome.
Joseph: ona dey try me well well ohh! I go kill person for this yard.
Caleb came out of the bathroom with towel tied around his neck with boxer on his waist, he swung a bucket in his right hand.
Joseph: na you thief my water ehnn?!
Caleb: no be me oohh! this one resemble your bucket? showing him the bucket he held
Joseph: no be am, wetin I go do the person wey thief my bucket of water ehnn.. oh, heads go roll for this yard.
Caleb: na bouncer give him girlfriend your bucket water make she go baf.
Joseph: what!! Bouncer carry that useless ashewo give my hard earned bucket of water make she go baf, I go kill person wey bouncer..
He went to his room and slammed on the door, making vows upadan.
Ugochukwu: that guy go kill person today oohh!
Me: kill which person? that guy na chairman of CBA.
Ugochukwu: wetin be CBA?
me: chest beaters association.
One lady with towel tied around her body came out of the bathroom hallway and Joseph ran to her sighting his bucket.
Joseph: na you get mind take my bucket go baf?
Lady: how? na my bf give me this water my baf.
Mama Chi: naso ashewo them dey talk, them godey claim right when them dey at fault.
Jojo: if na me be Joseph I for do dash am one slap first!!
Joseph: you still dey talk!? ehhnn…
gbossaaa! everywhere quiet for yard to give some revere for the slap.
Jojo: wetin the girl do you wey you slap am?
Mama Chi: that nice girl wey be Bouncer girlfriend, Bouncer don kill you.
Joseph: wetin Bouncer fit do? I go break am if em try me, small body no be sickness oohh!
Bouncer’s voice: who dey ask of wetin bouncer fit do?
Bouncer jumped from the passage with his breasts shaking, that one no be chest at all.
He was looking like small that can break somebody into two.
Ugochukwu: you get this kind person for this yard?
Me: and so? that guy nodey reason anybody for this yard matter.
The girl started crying she even ran to Bouncer and cried profusely in his arms.
Lady: baby, this guy here slapped and kicked my stomach?!
Joseph: see lie oohh! I no kick am oohh! na just small slap I slap am oohh! finish, Mama Chi shey you dey here?!
Mama Chi: I nodey abeg, make nobody call my name oohh!
Joseph: abeg Jojo talk truth.
Jojo: she don already talk everything, wetin remain again? abeg leave me oohh!!
Bouncer: Joseph, choose between mortuary and hospital because today you dey go one of them.
Joseph: abeg, I no know wetin enter me, I fit pay for the damages.
Voices: Nepa!! Them don bring light!!
Everybody started running upadan in the yard, Ugochukwu brought out the well bucket pouring back the water he had managed to fetch.
Me: make I go buy wetin we go chop.
Nobody dey even reason the fight betwixt Bouncer and Joseph, NEPA dey everybody mind.
I waka enter my room take one thousand naira from my pocket waka go Madam Cash store.
I reach her store come see her dey tell one fine girl with nice yansh how to arrange her goods.
Me: Madam Cash, good morning.
Madam Cash: Honourable, man of the people. I be wan even come see you, you scarce pass gold nowadays.
Me: hope say no problem.
Madam Cash: na better dey, you see this girl?
She motioned the shy girl to stand still, she asked her to tall and show me her backside and then front side.
Madam Cash: this one na the finest girl for my village, her fore-mothers marry governor, infact anybody wey marry from her family dey become governor overnight. You see this bre-asts? na governor’s bre-asts be that, you know say she no go too cost because the governor spirit dey all over you.
Me: hiaa! this your advert format fear me oohh! so wetin you want make I do?
Madam Cash: you be small pikin, marry her for free, we go come take bride price when you don become governor.