Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 115
Subtitle: Fu*ck Fakers.
Everywhere was silent apart from the loud bang coming from Tony’s window, the thieves were making effort to go through the window.
Tony’s voice: thief oohhh! make ona help oohhh! them wan shoot me oohhh!
I could hear him making efforts to open his door to run inside the compound of the yard.
Tony’s voice: Jesus!!
Thief voice: ssshhhh… where is the money?
Ugochukwu: whisper to me them don catch am.
Me: wetin concern me? I whisper back
Ugochukwu: whisper to me na your tenant.
Me: I be him landlord I whisper back
Ugochukwu: na more reason you for do something whisper to me
Me: free me, if you wan do something run go outside go hug thieves na. I whisper back
Thief voice: where is the billion and million you dey talk for call?
Tony’s voice: I no get millions oohh! I just dey make calls of millions, I no get shishi.
Voice: aahhh! Tony, you stingy oohh! all the money you dey keep us awake with calls, share give them na?
Tony’s voice: I no get money oh, iffa get billions I for dey live for this kind room wey TV nodey, abeg oohhh!
Thief voice: Tiger, abeg make ona show this guy pepper.
Tony’s voice: aahhh! pity me oohh! ewooohh! ona go kill me ooohh!!
Ugochukwu: guy do something na? whisper to me
Me: do wetin? I whisper back
I carried the pillow and pressed to my head blocking Tony’s wailing from my ears, I didn’t even know when I slept off to another noisemaker.
It was preacher-man starting his early morning preaching, I thought he travelled how come?
Preacherman’s voice: right from the days of Adam, oohh! the wrath of God was on us, but the Grace of Jesus!! oohh! I surround all! Oh Jesus! come and take me.
Ugochukwu turned on the dimly lit room and went for his phone, tapped the screen on and saw the time.
Ugochukwu: just 3am, this people no go allow person sleep.
Me: if you like no sleep, I dey use to all these noise.
Ugochukwu: you get mind oh! what if them kill Tony?
Me: I go rent out the room to another person.
Preacherman’s voice: in my sinful days, I remember masturbating. I remember fornicating, I remember smoking, I remember stealing, oohh! Jesus, saw pass all my sins and gave me another life. I am now living a sinless life my brethren, look upon Jesus sinless is he.
Ugochukwu: with his loud voice him still dey use public speaker.
Me: I wan sleep oohh!
Preacherman voice: what is wealth without Jesus? what is love without Jesus? what is house and earthly possession without Jesus? repent oohh! that day trumpet go sound my brother, if you see hell fire aahhh! I was opportune to see hell fire in my dream, I ask Daddy. Na who go enter here? him answer me say na sinners aahhh! I cry.
Ugochukwu: I nofit sleep.
Me: happy not sleeping.
My phone rang and I went for it, it was the governor calling. I picked the call sharply, all those kind of hot calls no suppose ring pass two seconds.
Me: father, good morning.
Governor’s voice: son, did I wake you up?
Me: not at all, father.
Governor’s voice: come to the house early, we wan start rally today.
Me: no problem, I go dey there before fowl go crow.
He ended the call.
Ugochukwu: who be that? I think say your papa don die.
Me: your brain dey flight mode, na Governor.
Ugochukwu: this ona son father, it is well shall. We wey no get father to son wetin we go do?
Preacherman’s voice: repent before you go burn for hellfire, repent before that yansh you dey look go carry you go hell fire. Repent! I say repent! how many times I go warn you? you better repent or na hellfire you godey follow devil roast yam.
I carried my pillow and pressed to my head blocking my ears and travelled to dreamland, I was enjoying a wonderful sleep where I am seeing myself enjoying life. Flexing anyhow when loud knocking on my door woke me up.
I opened my eyes and saw Ugochukwu snoring away, the knocker persist with the force that he kept hammering my door relentlessly.
See wahala, I checked my wall-clock it was just 6am.
Me: who be that?
Voice1: na Papa Iyawo, oya introduce yourself.
Voice2: and Mama Iyawo.
Papa Iyawo’s voice: we wan see you Honourable talk and do, the matter serious.
Me: come back later, the council never open.
Papa Iyawo’s voice: abeg open the council, the matter na life and death matter.
Me: make ona wait, I dey come.
I got up from the bed and stretched yawning, dragged my legs lazily to the door and opened it.
I let them in and the both of them brisk in not smiling and occupied my chairs.
I closed the door and went back to the bed and sat.
Me: Mama Iyawo and Papa Iyawo, why ona two nodey smile wetin happen?
Papa Iyawo: ask Mama Iyawo.
Me: Mama Iyawo wetin happen?
Mama Iyawo: ask Papa Iyawo, since when him return him dey vex after I tell am the goodnews, him no wan even gree chop my kpomor again.
Papa Iyawo: why them go ask me? I dey there when you dey play football match for my back ehnn?! Mama Iyawo.
Me: football match? as Mama Iyawo fat like this she dey play ball?
Papa Iyawo: she dey play match for bed with other men, na wetin them tell me for this yard.
Me: who be the other men?
Papa Iyawo: I no know, them just tell me say she dey service other men. Ask Mama Iyawo who be the other men.