Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 113
Subtitle: Fu*ck Fakers.
Me: you close your eyes and stop to see joor I hiss
Ugochukwu: na wa oohh!
Me: for you.
I walked towards the house looking up the sky that is getting dark already, the way time dey run these days ehnn…
Voice: Onyema! you don bring this cylinder come out again, you wan come terrorize our nose with your egusi soup. That pot go lose oohh!
I heard a loud voice saying those things from the yard, this people have start again.
I stepped on the verandah and saw Onyema hovering over the cylinder that he kept at his doorpost along the hallway.
Ugochukwu: guy, my shoe?
Me: na me thief am?
He tried to lit the cylinder but the burner didn’t catch fire, he bent and turned his ear to catch the noise of gas.
I raised the foot-mat up and took the key I kept beneath it.
Onyema: brother Uche, our burner don spoil em no gree catch fire again.
Uche’s voice: em no spoil oohh!
Onyema: you no fill am again?
Uche’s voice: yes, before I run around finish the money to fill the gas no come out.
I unlocked the door and stepped in pulling my shoes inside my apartment, I no wan hear story. Uche was answering his brother from inside their room.
Ugochukwu: that your guy no fill the gas ohh!
Me: na that stove them go use na.
Ugochukwu: what of my shoes na? I nofit wear this shoe abeg.
Me: keep am outside make the person switch am back.
Ugochukwu: mba! I nodey try that one, make I first keep this one I dey see before person go swap am with one gucci slipper wey dey scare devil.
Me: na you sabi, so what is the next plan?
Ugochukwu: to fix the date of my church wedding na.
Me: this one you dey rush to leave bachelor association in a hurry, hope all is well?
Ugochukwu: dey there na, tay tay wey I don de-bachelor myself na today.
Me: I fear you.
I started unbuttoning my shirt when a knock landed on the door, I stopped and faced Ugochukwu who was sitting on the bed if he is expecting any visitor, he shrugged.
Me: na who be that?
Voice: na one and only Don-Simeon.
I went to open the door and saw him with his blings blings.
Me: Sambisa how far na? when you touch down to Nigeria na?
Simeon: just some few days ago, ona go like flex with me?
Ugochukwu: why not, biko make we dey go drink.
Me: yes and no, yes if I no go spend shishi. No if I go spend shishi.
Simeon: bills on me, man.
Naso my shoes enter my legs and we marched forward to one hotel for the end of the street, we just dey waka dey discuss when two girls headed to the hotel ahead of appeared from nowhere.
One of them wore gown wey stop for her kneels while the other wore skirt wey I no know where the stop sef, as the thing dey lift itself up to go expose her pa-nt and the girl godey use her hand dey drag am come down.
I know say Don Simeon must talk.
Don-Simeon: allow the thing, I wan see something
He said loudly making the two girls before us turned abruptly, the two girls didn’t answer him and turned back.
She still dragged the skirt down.
Don-Simeon: why you dey force am down now, allow the skirt.
The girl with the skirt turned and hissed.
Girl1: wetin you wan see?
Ugochukwu: my shoes.
Ugochukwu bent down and studied the shoes Don-Simeon was wearing.
Don-Simeon: na you get am?
Ugochukwu: yes, this shoe lose this morning.
Don-Simeon: I take am from the person wey take am from the person wey take am from you.
Me: no be small chains of exchange, but Ugogoro you go try calm down people dey pass na.
Ugochukwu: calm wetin down?! my 20k shoes, abeg make we exchange quick quick.
I went ahead of them and entered the hotel while their two were pulling and wearing shoes ignoring the stares they are getting from people, the place was buzzing people are partying hard.
See babes with skimpy everywhere, them dey hustle.
The two guys joined me and we entered inside the hotel and went to the hotel’s bar and we all sat down. My phone rang and I pulled it out, it was Profit calling.
I stood up and walked further to the gate so that we go hear ourselves and picked the call.
Johannah’s voice: daddy!
I ran out of the hotel so that she won’t hear the music, this small pikin again?
Me: my baby, how are you?
Johannah’s voice: am fine, daddy are you not coming home? is late where are you?!
How I wan take answer all these jamb questions, I looked around to see where I am first before I answer.
Me: I dey church for all night.
Johannah’s voice: church?! am hearing Davido’s song.
Me: no is Frank Edward’s voice ohh!
Johannah’s voice: is it live daddy.
Me: just audio.