Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 112
Subtitle: Fu*ck Fakers.
Ugochukwu A.K.A Ugogoro wasn’t happy to see that his uncle in particular, the man styled everything local in a dramatic way.
Wetin concern me na to just greet and looked on as the woman in their midst hugged Ugochukwu.
Fine woman sha… Ugochukwu sister must fine and am gonna find out soon enough, we all went to the car and entered.
I sat at the front with Ugochukwu while his uncles and mother sat at the back.
I nofit forget the looks we got from passengers while we were headed to our car, Ugochukwu wasn’t smiling at all as his relations kept discussing with Igbo language. When everywhere was silent, I could see the relief on his face.
I no gree, I turned.
Me: aunty, how the journey from Aba to Port-Harcourt?
Ugo’s mom: fine oh Igbo language eziokwu!
Me I just faced my front naso them start their discussion again, Ugochukwu was looking like somebody that wanted to cry.
Me: guy, take am easy na. You wan kill us before our time?
Ugochukwu: free me joor..!
The guy was speeding all the way and I wondered if we have bought any palm wine to give to our new in-laws.
Me: guy, you don buy palm wine?
Ugochukwu: wetin be palm wine?
Me: you no know wetin be palm wine?
Ugochukwu: I know, but wetin we wan use palm wine do when champaign dey?
Me: you never ready to marry.
His uncle over-heard us and informed Ugochukwu he came along with a keg of palm wine, issokay! see person wey wan marry before me no know the traditional value of palm wine.
We got to Shantel’s their gate and Ugochukwu parked, I come dey wonder why.
Me: why we dey stop here?
Ugochukwu: na wetin Shantel tell me.
Me: you and this your Shantel.
We all came down and find our way into the house through the gate that was once hallowed in history.
We got into the house and saw some ugly looking men with wide eyes, make them smile na.
Shantel was looking like a damsel adored beautifully with all those Village custom, chaii!! Babe wey dey look like then SSS3 girls is now looking like lady, I no mean this current SSS3 students wey them suppose dey house dey su-ckle breasts dey busy dey carry canes wey tall pass them as senior.
The three men with Shantel and her mother looked mean, them nodey happy to see us.
And the teeth smile they gave us looked like they are here for business not to jolly with us at all.
Immediately we present the drinks we bought, they past the list sharp sharp to Ugochukwu’s Italian village uncle.
We sat at the armless cane chair, em come look like say na fight no be traditional rites we come perform.
One of the three elders in our opposition wing whispered to the oldest and he nodded with bulged eyes.
Shantel Uncle1: ona go excuse us our in law, we wan go see for outside.
Shantel Uncle2: ona go give us the list.
Three of them disappeared outside with the piece of paper that is tore from the centre of 80leaves, this people no get joy.
I looked at Shantel to get a clue about what is happening, for where? the babe was smiling like zombie.
Shantel mother didn’t say a word, is it only me that want to tie those old niggas planning coup outside up or these ones are not seeing what am seeing, they came back and apologised then sat on the armless cane chair opposite us.
A wooden table was separating us, they past the list to us and through the table.
Ugogoro’s international village uncle picked up the piece of paper and glanced through it.
He removed his deem-up from his eyes and screamed. Ugo’s second uncle grabbed the piece of paper and read masking a shock on his face.
They past the paper to his mother and in return she gave it to Ugochukwu without looking into it, tradition sha… No be women business be that.
I wonder wetin concern me as Ugochukwu pass the Alpha-list to me, em get why I give am that name. As my eyes looked at the names of the items of ritual to be given to Baba to perform charm that will make a rich man broke within two days.
I dropped the list on the wooden table.
Ugo’s uncle1: aaahhh! aaahh!! our in-laws we no come to buy wife, we come to marry. so you sabi speak English?!
Shantel’s uncle1: clear his throat we know our in law, we no wan sell our daughter. Is your son not capable because we nodey marry our daughter into family wey she go go suffer, one million naira na small money. He friend na assembly member…
Before I know everybody started talking and I couldn’t even understand who is speaking to who, na so marriage rites dey dey? see I no go marry, I mean I will marry a family with happy uncles rather than angry uncles.
My phone rang everybody dey busy dey talk, I just had to leave there and go outside to receive the call.
I stepped out of the parlour to the verandah and picked the call without checking the caller I.D.
Johannah’s voice: daddy, good afternoon.
Me: afternoon, ona don return from church?
Johannah’s voice: yes daddy, where are you daddy?
Me: I go come back tomorrow, don’t worry. What of your mommy?
Johannah’s voice: she doesn’t want to talk to you, tell me what you want to say to her?
No be small transmission transmission.
Me: tell her I love her.
Johannah’ voice: okay.
I could overhear her telling her mom am coming home later in the evening, as if is what I sent her to do. I later got off the phone and was still hearing the commotion voices coming from the house I just came out from, I no wan enter there again.
I sat under the apple tree were one long bench was kept, I sat till my buttocks hurts before those guys voices went off at a go.
I no gree enter there again, it was later in the Evening everyone came out laughing and gisting like they were not the one shouting like people who wanted to fight.
We the suitors gang went out of the gate after we are done with our in-laws, they went inside back to continue their drinking.
Me: oh boy ehnn… All these Shantel uncles na wa ooh!
Ugochukwu: if no be say I calm down, these people for no gree my marry Shantel oh!
We dropped his Uncles and Mom in the park and drove back to my yard, the sky was letting go of light.
Me: so, wetin be the next plan?
Ugochukwu: white wedding na, you think say I come play.
Me: Ugogoro the man.
Ugochukwu: excuse me sir, no call me that name abeg.
Me: but na your uncle teach me na.
Ugochukwu: I no like that name at all, bro. base on say you be juju man wetin be the value of indomie for tradition?
Me: after you don call me juju man finish, wetin you want my tell you?
Ugochukwu: na wa oohh! for you oohh! no vex na, abeg tell me.
Me: when I see the indomie for that list I was electrocuted, I no believe say ancestors na small pikin too. I think say na old people.
Ugochukwu: it is well.
We drove quietly to my yard and parked, I came down and Ugogoro did also.
I saw Junior dragging container with small Bethel.
Bethel: Junior, give me my concon.
Junior: na lie na my own.
Ugochukwu: wetin happen? as you old like that you dey drag concon with that kind small pikin.
I held Ugochukwu’s back from going to slap the boy.
Me: the boy nodey grow with him brain.
Ugochukwu: I see am like that, how that big boy with beards dey play with concon.
Me: wetin I mean say em no well.
Ugochukwu: nothing person never see for this your yard.