Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 103
Subtitle: Fu*ck Fakers.
China: ah! aahh! no fall your hands na, tight gee like you. A whole face of house of assembly like you say no know wetin be Biafra money.
Me: If I know I for ask you? Abeg tell me…. wait oh! no tell me say na weed oh!
China: na weed na, na the only thing we nodey pay tax and government with white men nodey worry us.
Me: as I dey bathroom CBN call me say the resources needed to purchase this your Biafra Money don enter bankrupt.
China: no do your boy like this na, even though na white I go manage am buy one wrap. But one wrap nodey do me oh! base on management.
Me: my pocket don enter bankrupt, if na First Bank call me I for fine way, but this one na CBN. China carry yourself and your Biafra money commot from my window make I get better oxygen.
China: Oga Landlord na waaaooohh for you oohh!
I closed the curtail and dressed up, I really needed to talk to Cynthia. I dressed up and went out of the room, I checked the time and it is getting late and Ugochukwu hasn’t arrived. Make em no be like say him own on the way nobe on top Alicia, if not the gods go settle em matter oh!
I came out of my apartment and walked inside the yard, I could hear the loud voices of the yard’s children outside making big noises with their small bodies with big mouths and loud voices.
Children’s voices: aeroplane! My father don return!! em wan land for field oohh! na lie na on top house em go land like the one we watch for movie!! run and hide the enemies are here oohh!
All these children relating everything they see on movie to reality, why won’t they start kissing before they can talk? I strolled on the passage and appeared in the vast space of the yard compound.
Few people were busy in the kitchen while Jojo sat at a chair resting on the pavement pillar closed to his room, I wonder where all of them go today oh!
Just then I heard commotion and I moved my eyes to see Papa Jayjay stepping out of his room with his wife tagging along firmly holding on to his belt.
Mama Jayjay: papa jayjay, you nodey go anywhere today oh! until you add money. Naso so so ice fish person godey chop for this house?
Papa Jayjay: what an impetus! involving a gadfly of husbands with knock-down-drag-out by clutching on my belt doesn’t imbibe any substantial disposition of my financial muscles that I have unarguably flexed to it limitation, being a flibbertigibbet doesn’t supplant the supposed proteinous germane unwittingly present in the vital money I have thus far made pro…
Mama Jayjay: all these your big big grammar no go safe you today oh, you better stop to dey speak them bring out money because no be grammar we go chop. I nodey like this when you marry me commot from my father house oh!
Papa Jayjay: you were lucky amongst the lots begging to be induce into the long lasting march to the aisle, before I married you, you were broom-like and even with my grammatical grandiloquent couldn’t assemble the right porles to place your physique to accessible womanhood.
Mama Anita came out from the kitchen with basin filled with water and walked to the exit, she looked at them and hissed.
Mama Anita: Papa Jayjay why you too stingy sef? na ona dey make all the bushes around the yard dey smell ice fish ice fish water.
Papa Jayjay: what an incredible insults juxtaposing my self acclaimed accolades as a force to reckon with in all ramifications be it social and what have you to this on-looker whose livelihood has been charade for merry-go-round of furphy has tainted me unceremoniously to laundering unfathomable gesticulations to my said person parachuting me to piss-pauper, Mama Anita are you oblivious of your senses of perception or have they latched the zenith of irredeemable as tall as the Pyramid of Gizza?
Jojo: good one! you are there!!
Mama Anita: no kill me with your grammar face your wife.
Just then Jayjay entered holding a ball in his hand with jersey out-fit, he looked like someone who has been playing ball.
Papa Jayjay: and this prodigious lad has defiled indiscreetly my fatherhood surpassing the prodigal child in the Christian book bible.
Jayjay: papa I no do anything na, I just go play ball. Or you no wan see me play for Television? I wan play for Rivers United.
Papa Jayjay: your proclaimed level in idiocy is mind-blowing and lurking in all spheres of daydreaming. How on earthling did you orchestrate such anthropoid bombarding foolish ideas whose parameter is commensurate with miles away from your erudite father from? ehnn..
Jojo: kill me, ona go hear am ohh! Who make Papa JayJay vex.
Me: Jojo, Cynthia dey house?
Jojo: you go ask Theo, na their two be 5 and 6 now.
Me: where Theo dey?
Jojo: em dey em gas stand for main road, close to T-junction.
Me: when em open gas stand na?
Jojo: em never too tay oh!
I turned and started walking out of my yard.
Mama Jayjay: Papa Jayjay you don finish? After you don blow all these your big big grammar finish you go bring out the money make we buy meat before you commot here.
Papa Jayjay: my honeycomb, the woman that be and for ever remember vehemently…
I couldn’t hear their voices again as I stepped out of the yard, I know say Papa Jayjay wan whine em wife tuwama from her trouble.
Just then I saw Musa yelling and shouting with his agbada flapping like fowl wings as he jumped and slammed the ground with his palm.
Musa: walahi…! iffa no killam for persin, kai! me no be human being.
Me: Musa, na wetin happen?
Musa: Honourable talkit do you say? me Musa nodey pine na for trouble ko, them call am Oga Linus bah? call am Aisha psst! she no gree come, em come am for Aisha whisst! she no gree, walahi! I go killam for persin today.
Me: wetin Linus do Musa?
Musa: em call am for Aisha psst! she no gree go, em call am for Aisha whisst! she no gree go, walahi.. I go killam for persin today!
He jumped and his Agbada flapped again as he slammed the ground with his open palm, na waaaooohh!
Me: Musa, you never talk wetin Linus do na.
Musa: as I talk am for befor ko, em call am for Aisha psst! she no gree go, em call am for Aisha whisst! she no gree go, I go killam am for persin tofday wahali!