Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 104
Subtitle: Fu*ck Fakers.
I just looked at the way Musa is behaving and I gave up, I decided to walk away before this madness pass boundary, I haven’t placed my feet more than thrice when he…
Musa: Honourable talkit do, where you dey go am for ko?
This em own translation tire me oh, I just ignored him and walked further. I looked back just in time to see him slapped the ground with his palm and jumped up threatening to kill somebody while his agbada flaps like chicken’s wings, as em slim like that dey wear big big clothes.
Today na real confusion day oh, after Papa Jayjay pursue me commot for yard with em grammatical brouhahaha na so Musa start em own with speaking in tongues, hope say no be the trending madness for this street oh.
I walked faster when I saw two young ladies holding their clothes in a manner that showed that fight will soon broke out, I just dey waka making sure say I dodge pot-holes for the road. Em no go better for this road oh! if em reach rainy season.
A young man was begging them, Steven area playboy. I pity that boy dey ban-g two sisters without been caught, wetin I like the guy be say em nodey carry em womanizing enter our street oh! well coded nigga with last sentence “woman go kill you”
Girl1: Sandra, so you get mind dey fu-ck my boyfriend for my back ehnn?
Girl2: Chisom, who be your boyfriend ehnn?
Steven: babes, make ona no fight. Make we settle this matter amicably.
Chisom: slap Steven amicably kill you there, woman wrapper.
Steven: you get mind slap me?
Sandra: wetin you wan do ehnn? you wan beat her? you get mind dey fu-ck two friends.
The yard people just stood on the frontage watching the show, some even videoing with their phones. Steven mad oh! carry one fat girl add with slim girl wey nodey hear, the two girls started facing Steven. My guy wan japa, for where? those two ladies mean war as them bracket am.
Steven: wetin be this na? I no want ona again na by force.
Sandra: after you don use tm scatter my toto, you no want again. Abi?
Chisom: Sandy, you dey follow this guy laugh. Make we design em face for am.
Before I know the fat one has bent and lifted one of his leg off from the ground, Steven held her by the neck to maintain balance when the slim one pushed him forcefully and he landed on the ground hitting his head.
The fat one took charge and sat on his stomach, RIP bachelor Steven, the slim one rushed to get enough sand to feed him.
As the fat one kept slapping him while Steven struggled to get free, kicking his legs in the air.
The other one hand-over the sand she brought to the slim one and started flogging Steven legs with cane, instead of the yard people to come and separate they are cheering the girls to Victory.
Papa Tochukwu: make ona kill am, you see this boy fu-ck pass me wey don marry. Just imagine! when I dey him age, I dey plan how to make am for life but this boy dey calculate how many toto em go enter, just imagine!
Papa Tochukwu and just imagine, I curbed my time and I knew it is getting late. I needed to see Theophilus before Ugochukwu will arrive and Anderson, which kind car em go rent since then?
I walked faster and came out of the tarred road that ran across the T-junction of our street, leading to another LGA in Port- Harcourt. I turned left and saw two life don tire me cylinders set on each other.
I walked faster towards it and tilted my head towards my left arm and find a cleared space, Theo was sitting in front of a caravan that has a shade in which he kept two bottled cylinder from the sun with scale.
Theo: chooi! Honourable, you for come with your cylinder na.
Me: this your own style of marketing, na wa oohh! for you ooohh!
He rushed inside the caravan and brought a plastic chair for me, Mama Koffi came down from a bike just at the front of his shop.
Mama Koffi: Theo, you get change?
Theo: I no get oh! I never fill any cylinder since Morning.
Mama Koffi: eyaaa..!! My gas don finish, I go come refill am for your shop.
Thoe: make I help you come carry am?
Mama Koffi: no, no bother.
She paid the bikeman and carried the nylon bag she kept on the ground to search her purse for the money to settle her T-fare.
Me: Oga Theo, you know where Cynthia go?
Theo: she tell me say she wan go Village yesterday, I no know whether she don go. You know say that her soldier boyfriend get wife wey been harass Cynthia?
Me: wait oh! Cynthia know say em don marry.
Theo: she no know na, and the man don propose to her before amebo people spread the good news to Kano. The man wife enter night bus come Port-Harcourt, na small thing remain to pour acid for Cynthia face oh.
Me: wonder-fool, nothing person no go hear and see for this Naija.
Just then I sighted Ugochukwu dropping from bike.
Me: Theo, we go see na. My friend don come.
We shook hands and I called Ugochukwu attention and walked to him.
Just then Mama Koffi came out of our street carrying the cylinder she wanted to fill.
Ugochukwu: oh boy! you just dey fine upadan, em be like say I go soon become baby papa too oh!
Mama Koffi: bike! carry me go waterboard.
Me: you don mad oh!
Just then I heard heavy foot-falls behind me, I turned and saw Theophilus running towards Mama Koffi.
He got hold of the cylinder refusing to let go.
Mama Koffi: wetin dey worry you Theo?
Theo: mama Koffi today, this cylinder nodey commot here oh!
Ugochukwu: laughing hahaha, na by force to fill for your shop.
Theo: I don too dey watch them, na one Month now wey I start to dey fill gas, naso them dey ask me every morning iffa I dey fill gas and for afternoon you godey see them dey carry cylinder pass my shop. For evening them go dey fly pass my shop with cylinder on top bike, today oh! you must fill here!
Me: na waa oohh! kingdom of gas filling suffereth violence.
Mama Koffi: Theo, na by force to fill for your stand, I no get fifty naira to add for you ohh! na three hundred I dey pay for 1KG.
Theo: no wahala.
Bike-man: madam, you nodey go? time na money oh!
Mama Koffi: abeg, carry your worwor face commot from here.
Bike man: you come fine? Fat everywhere like pepsi bottle. I no blame you.
The bike man started his bike and rode off, a moving car on the tarred road slowed along the left lane, I and Ugochukwu teared our eyes from Mama Koffi and Theo.
Anderson: hello guys, make ona meet me for yard.
And he sped off, is like this Anderson don dey kolo. Instead of giving us a lift with the car I am paying for, he drove pass me.
Ugichukwu: no be Anderson be that?
Me: you don see am na.
Ugochukwu: who dash am car madness?
I be wan answer that question but my phone rang, I brought it out and my heart leapt in happiness. Chaii..! My balenciaga.
Me: hello, yeye dey smell.
I was expecting to hear sweet voice, when I heard a man’s voice with frog bass.
Man’s voice: stay away from my daughter.
And the caller hung up, I became confused staring at the screen unbelievably to confirm the phone number if it belonged to Veronica.
Em shock me like film.