Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 102
Subtitle:: Fu*ck Fakers.
I picked up my phone on the bed and glanced at the screen, na Ugo dey even call.
Me: Old Soldier, you go help me call Oga Rufus.
Old Soldier: sir, yes sir! he salute
And stomped his foot on my expensive tile and turned whether na 90 or 180 degree face door. See wahala, I picked the call.
Me: Aturu, where you dey?
Ugochukwu’s voice: na so you dey greet elders for ona Village?
Me: who be the elder?
Ugochukwu’s voice: who else? it have tay I used cane to correct you, if not you for nodey open your big mouth anyhow.
Me: clean your mouth.
Ugochukwu’s voice: why?
Me: you don too dey vomit nonsense, how far na? Since that time.
Ugochukwu’s voice: oh boy! na Alicia oh!
Me: Ali wetin?
Ugochukwu’s voice: Cia.
Me: you no wan avoid that big yansh maid, that girl go corner your destiny oh!
Ugochukwu’s voice: nothing really happen sha..
Me: but small thing happen.
Ugochukwu’s voice: when I reach I go tell you well, I dey road.
He hung up and a knocked landed on my door.
Me: who be that?
Voice: na me Honourable, Old Soldier say you dey look for me.
Me: yes, Oga Rufu enter abeg.
This people will not allow me complete the thorough cleansing my apartment is undergoing, he pushed open the door and stepped in looking around.
He helped himself with the sofa in my room.
Me: Oga Rufu, I never tell you say make you sit down oh!
Rufus: em no mean anything na, abi I godey stand up like officer?
Just then we heard loud shouts and commotions from outside, I wonder why someone will be making gun sounds with mouth.
Man’s voice: officer of the law, twenty one bullets.
Children’s voices: kpaaaa! kpaaaa! Kpaaaa…..
Woman’s voice: Mama Iyawo, your husband don return oh!
Rufus: start whistling yawa dey oh!
Me: Oga Rufu, ehnn.. Old Soldier been complain about you.
Rufus: Honourable, I no understand the kind person wey you say make I live with oh! the man no sabi what’sup at all.
Me: your own what’sup na to chase woman upadan or wetin?
Rufus: no be so, you remember that day you say make I allow am enter my house? I nod I been.. I mean say I come.. ehnn.. I been go… scratching his head
Me: you been wetin?
Rufus: just forget, as we dey sleep for midnight. Em lie down for em bed for floor while I dey my own, the next thing I hear na take cover, take cover, the enemies are approaching.
Me: enemies? which kind enemies?
Rufus: I wonder, I jump commot from my bed run enter under bed. The next thing I hear na Old Soldier dey snore like Amatu pig for em bed, I come think say na my imagination. I enter bed dey almost sleep when I hear tuaaa! tuaa! Old soldier dey shoot guns with em mouth.
Me: the matter serious oh, I never know say the war madness don reach that level.
Rufus: em pass oh! early morning Old Soldier start to dey sing national anthem before cockcrow, if no be say na you I for don pursue am from my house. You know wetin em do?
Me: how I go know? I nodey there na.
Rufus: Old Soldier see my girlfriend pant dey start to shoot am with em hunter gun.
Me: shoot? ona don kill my house.
Rufus: no, bullet nodey inside.
Me: I for talk, you go follow me come my Village.
Rufus: scratching his head I for come oh! but you know my mechanic shop…
The door was opened by Anderson and he jumped in like hungry frog, this guy nodey ever knock.
Anderson: Oga Rufu, Iyawo papa don return oh.
Rufus: and so? em no concern me.
Anderson: them say she don start to vomit from yesterday.
Rufus: talk truth.
Anderson: shebi you say em no concern you.
Rufus: until you mention vomit, how I no go care when my neighbor dey sick.
Anderson: them say she get belle.
Me: ewooohh! Anderson na truth?
Rufus: them say, them say, who be them say, eziokwu?!
Anderson: em no concern me.
Rufus got up abruptly looking around like he wanted to hide in my house, or something that seemed so. He turned to me and smiled.
Rufus: ehn.. Oga Landlord, shebi you say make I follow you go your Village.
Me: na wetin I talk.
Rufus: I dey come, hope say ona girls fine?
Me: you no ask about men na girls you dey ask?
Rufus: you don already represent ona Village men here na, eziokwu! wetin I wan use men do? Make I go ready myself.
He went out of my room and Anderson grinned from ear to ear, I just knew he had lied to Rufus about Iyawo being pregnant.
Me: you sabi lie oh!
Anderson: he laugh hahaha, em need am. Ehnn.. Them don add price for renting of bus oh!
Me: how much?
Anderson: three thousand naira only.
Me: a whole three thousand naira you dey add only, you wan fall law of poor man? no rent again. Make I call my friend whether em come with car.
I dialed Ugochukw’s number and it rang, he picked after some seconds.
Me: you drive come?
Ugochukwu’s voice: I fly come.
I hung up and looked thoughtfully at Anderson to see any evidence to probe him for exhortation and inflation, but there is none. He just gave me complete face of Brother Peter in the bible.
Me: no rent bus again, carry small car come.
Anderson: make I rush go, delay is dangerous.
He got up and left, I had to go to the kitchen and tidied up things there and then used the other time to make the restroom a place not to be welcomed with cobwebs and rainbow on the walls.
I came out of the restroom after taking a cool cold shower and started smelling smoke, who come dey smoke for my window again na?
I shifted the curtail aside and find someone with dada well sitted at the pavement beneath my window with smokes dangling above his head.
Me: na who dey smoke Igbo for my window na?
He turned and saw me, he got up and start one crazy hailing.
China: face of Assembly, I hail you oh! No vex, na the revelation I just get make I come tap small inspiration from your window.
Me: na waaooohh for you oohh China! abeg, that smell dey make my belle turn.
China: you no need to para, I go soon move my tent.
Ehnn.. base on say you be my Oga on top, you fit help me with small thing make I take buy small Biafra money?
Me: wetin be Biafra money?