Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 27
Subtitle: F--k Fakers.
My hen? this people have killed me oh, it was still very early around 4am. I rush go lock the front gate with padlock, lock all the exits and entrances to the yard. Na that time crazy PHCN see to bring light.
I rush go off control switch, very soon noises wey them go hala go too much since that day was Sunday. I knock for Anderson room and he opened up.
Anderson: Youngest landlord, good morning, this one you knock for my door this early mormor wetin happen?
Me: we dey live with armed robber with guns and bombs for this yard.
Anderson: Jesus! For this small yard? bombs and guns, who?
Me: na wetin I wan find out, assemble everybody for compound. We wan know the thief.
I went to the Geepe stand and awaited for them to come, slowly they gathered around me in their numbers.
Anderson: Youngest landlord say make I summon all of ona, em talk say we get armed robber wey dey use guns, bombs and nuclear weapons for this yard, make we hear for em mouth.
Me: who thief the hen I tie for this Geepee stand? everybody start laughing, them think say na joke
Papa Jayjay: this inhuman, unacceptable! indiscriminate infringement!!
Me: wey you! Make thunder no strike you oh, ona know that my wicked uncle wey get shrine? he will not mind to kill all the people wey eat that chicken oh.
Simeon: scratching his head you go die too oh!
Me: wetin you mean Sim card, Chima wait… Wait… That pepper soup you serve me yesterday na my hen?
Chima: ask Simeon.
Simeon: na me catch am give Donald.
Me: something wey I tie how you take catch am? You never catch your destiny na person hen you see to catch? Donatus, wey my hen?
Donald: I no know say na your own, I don cut em head give Ebuka.
Me: when last you use your sense? hen wey I introduce to everybody here. Ebuka wey my hen?
Ebuka: I talk am! that time wey them give me!! Say this hen na oga landlord new wife!!! Chaii… I don commot the feathers finish give George.
Me: na my life ona dey transfer like Ronaldo?
George: my mind tell me this thing! say make I no pieces wash the hen that time, but my throat no gree. The mind was willing but the throat is weak, I don give Chima.
Me: Chima!! Hope say you no cook am oh!
Chima: na wetin you chop oh! Oga landlord!
Me: ona don kill me, make ona go resurrect that hen oh!
I rushed inside my room and tried Ugochuukwu number. My hands was vibrating and shaking, naso I go take die? But wait oh! I come dey reason am, the man say I go die if the hen die. I dey suspect say this jujuman na fake oh! A knock landed at my door.
Me: who be that? enter!!
Anderson entered the room scratching his head.
Me: krokro dey your head, or you don dey start DJ work?
Anderson: no, I need keys to open gates oh.
Me: see them na he take the keys ehnn.. on the control switch too.
He went out and I still tried Ugochukwu number but na still the answering machine lady voice I hear, a loud knock landed on my door.
Me: who be that na? you fit buy door?
Voice: na me Akpan.
Me: as you call your name, you call new door? No break my door, enter Calabar.
He entered with his wife who tied wrapper around her waist and t-shirt, I come dey wonder how manage em marry that kind fine girl? Em fit use City swag marry her. That one concern them. He was fuming like he wants to beat someone.
Akpan: oga landlord warn Ahmed oh, em go touch my wife, Eni tell am wetin happen, my go buy the meats I dey come.
Me: Calabar na wa oh! Oya na, make she sit down tell me.
He left and his wife sat beside me, I come dey wonder why she no sit down for the other sofa. I was wearing only boxer and was shirtless.
Eni: I dey my own oh, Ahmed say I fine well well. I tell am say make em leave me hand say I don marry, em press my right br*easts.
Me: na like this? i grab her right breasts and squeeze*