Must Read: Ibo Boy Wey Like Yoruba

Episode 6 years ago

Must Read: Ibo Boy Wey Like Yoruba

I took a brief nap. I woke up by 4pm. 4pm was the time for match. Man u was to play Everton. I put on my Man u jersey that was crested “Flow hates Chelsea but Loves Man u” behind. But what i never knew was that the jersey would cause me trouble that day. All of us except Kelvin was on our way to the football viewing centre to watch the match. “flow dis ur jersey wey u wear ehnn, no go let all dis chelsea fans beat u oh” Angom said “flow nothing dey happen, no mind Angom na wetin wan carry chelsea fan come watch man u match if no be say dem hate us, so we sef hate dem na” Ilorin said giving me confidence. First half and no goal, so we went outside to buy Akara to eat while we waited for the second half. As we were at the Akara Joint eating, i heard…………………. Gbaaaaaaa on my head, “the pesin wey slap me e no go better for him papa” i cursed as i turned to see who gave me the hot slap on my head. I saw two broad chested guys staring back at me at close range. “e no go better for my papa abi?” the one on dreadlocks queried, “no oh, no be wetin i talk oh” i cried out as i swallowed the Akara in my mouth without chewing it, “so u hate chelsea abi?” the one on face cap said, “no oh, bros abeg the jersey no be my own, na dis boy own oh” i said pointing at Ilorin, “Flow u dey mad, no be ur name dey there, which day my name turn to Flow, bros make una no mind am oh, i no be Man u fan sef” Ilorin lied. “bros na lie oh, two of them na Man u fan oh” Sammy said pointing at me and Ilorin. “ok, two of una wey no be Man u fan make una dey go watch second half, dem dis two don enter hot soup today” the guy on dreadlocks said giving me a hot slap on my face. I went blind for five seconds. As a rugged bagga of my caliber, i raised my right hand to give a reply to the slap, but what made me not to give him a reply was the fact that i saw a knife he pointed at me, “if u try dat thing wey u wan do, i go just shok u dis knife” he said. “oya make una lie down” the one on cap commanded. I never wanted to lie down initially but as i saw more of them coming, i had to comply.

As we lied facing the ground, Ilorin was pleading with them but i didn’t even say a word. “omo, see this guy oh, see wetin him write for him jersey oh” the guy on dreadlocks informed others stamping his foot on my back. Just then i heard them saying slangs that sounded like baggas slangs, but it wasn’t. “Flow dis guys na Eyeh boys oh, me sef na eyeh boy na, y eyeh boys go dey punish their brother” Ilorin said as i quickly recalled that Ilorin had told me sometime that he was a member of Eyeh Confratanity(the cult of birds) while in school. Ilorin stood up and said a slogan, he shook hands with them all and one of them followed him to a corner. On the other hand, the rest of them continued stamping their feet on my back. I tot my spinal cord was broken. Soon Ilorin and the other guy came and i heard the guy telling his friends to stop beating me that Ilorin was their fratanal brother. “but we go must collect dis jersey oh” one of them said to another, “yes him go give una d jersey na” Ilorin answered, “Ilorin u dey mad oh, na only singlet i go wear go house abi” i cursed within. I removed the jersey amidst several hot slaps. “na bcos una plenty oh nahim make i just dey allow una slap me like dat oh, if na only one person ehn me and dat person to fight na, and i go show d person say bagga no dey carry last” i said to myself as we went to go continue watching the match. Man u was two goals down, that made me more angry. “Flow why u wear only singlet na?” Sammy asked as i sat beside him. “u no see say heat dey, i wan collect breeze na” i responded making Sammy and Angom laugh beyond control.

The match was over, man u lost, 2-1. I walked home with a gloomy face along with my guys. I suddenly realized that i needed to pee. “make una wait for me make i piss” i said “u wan piss the piss wey u hold for ur body wen those guys dey beat u abi, u for piss for ur body wen dem dey beat u na” Ilorin teased. “guy see wetin dem write there oh” Sammy said pointing to the wall opposite me.

I looked and saw: Do not Urinate here, fine 5000naira. I smiled and said “no mind this people them dey find who go give dem 5k abi”. I noticed Angom who wanted to join me withdrew instantly. “Angom u too dey fear sef, if piss dey catch u, piss jor, no mind wetin dem write here oh”.

I unzipped my trouser and let a pee that ran as fast as a tap out of my P’enis, as i continued i heard……………………. “u dey piss there abi, just continue oh, u don enter hot soup today” a bass voice said from behind me.