Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 39

Episode 8 years ago

Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 39

My stomach bulged like Atlas mountain as i walked slowly to avoid explosion. I looked and saw that Man’s stomach bulged like mountain Everest, he could be best described as a kwashiorkor patient.

Home sweet home!! We got home to meet Snoop and Bigie gambling.

“where Baba jay?” Man asked. “him go church” Snoop answered.

I took my bath, and as i was watching Tv, Man whispered to my ears; “make we go visit Mama Ejima na”. “visit her for wetin?” I almost said. But as he removed our Nokia phone from his pocket smiling, it dawned on me that it was Blackmail time.

“kpoon kpoon kpoon!!” Man knocked at Mama Ejima’s door. “who be that?” Mama Ejima responded from inside.

“na me, na Man wey dey reason” Man said.

“my husband no dey, him travel” Mama Ejima informed. “no be your husband we wan see, na you” said Man.

Mama Ejima hurriedly came to open the door, and asked; “any problem?”. “no problem, we just come greet you” Man said as we walked into the room.

“this one wey una come greet me so, hope i dey safe?” She said as we sat down. “you dey safe” Man replied.

“you no dey safe oh” I nearly said.

“wetin i go give una na, make i bring meat for una?” Mama Ejima said. “bring am na” I couldn’t wait for her to finish saying that before i answered.

Just when i was saying i had eaten enough meat for the night, came another meat, mighty ones at that.

I turned and saw that the twins were fast asleep. They looked like two identical cartoon creatures as they lie on the bed.

Man feed his eyes with the cases of home movie CD plates that were piled on the floor, while i was admiring the huge three pieces of meat in the plate in front of me. I was wondering how such huge pieces of meat would enter my small mouth, but i was sure Man’s wide mouth would accommodate not only one, but the three pieces of meat at a time.

“Mama Ejima why you bring three meat when we be two na, you want make cheating dey abi?” I nearly said. I assured myself that i would be the one to eat two pieces of meat, while Man would eat just one. But in other for me to accomplish it, i must chew with the speed of light. How possible was that when my teeth ached because of the excess meat i ate at Soroagwa’s.

Suddenly Man said, “Mama Ejima you like Nigerian film well well oh”. “i like am well well na, you know say i be full time house wife, na dem the film i dey use busy myself” She answered.

“okay, shebi your phone get Bluetooth?” Man asked. “yes e get, why you ask?” Mama Ejima replied. “i ask because e get one Nigerian film wey i wan send for you” Man said.

“send am na, make i on the Bluetooth” Mama Ejima said. “you go like the film, Omotola and Genevieve dey” said Man.

“which day we get this phone wey Man don already put film inside?” I asked myself as i opened my mouth wide to force a piece of meat inside.

But as Man turned and wink at me, I realized the movie he was sending to Mama Ejima’s phone was the movie Kate acted the lead role, while Mama Ejima acted the supporting role.

I guessed Kate was Omotola, while Mama Ejima was Genieve. Come to think of it, they both were a picture perfect of both actresses in looks.

Albeit I looked like a Clown as i chewed, I tried my possible best not to chew my tongue along with the meat.

The room was silent for while, what could be heard was the irritating noise my mouth made as i started chewing my second piece of meat, while Man started chewing his first.

“Mama Ejima the movie don enter your phone, play am” Man informed.
She smiled as she took her phone to play the movie. A movie i titled in my mind; “The downfall of the L’esbians”.

Her smile turned frown within a twinkle of an eye, from frown, i saw tears clouded her eyes.

She ran to where we sat and pleaded saying; “abeg anything wey una want i go give una, make una no let my husband see this video”

“anything? Even your Kpormor” I nearly said.

“which day your husband go come back?” Man asked. “na next tomorrow” She responded panicking.

“Okay we give you from now till when your husband comes back to pay us the sum of 50,000naira only, or else, your husband will see this video” Man spoke English for the first time since i knew him.

Why wouldn’t he speak English? When we would soon be as rich as Bassey and company.

“bros, 50,000 too much” Mama Ejima cried as she was fidgety. She had never called any of us “bros” before but such situation warranted her to even call us “chairmen”.

“e too much abi? No worry when ur marriage scatter, i go see if 50k go arrange ur marriage back” Man said and headed to the door. “i go pay oh, I go pay” Mama Ejima cried.

As she shook like a Jelly fish, her “parting frame” also shook.

My dirty mind suggested something to me.

I gave her parting frame a parting gift of f’ondling. And she said, “thank you bros”.

“Baba jay you don come back?” I said as we entered our room. “i don come back oh, Pkc dey come sef, him say him no go sleep for church today” Baba jay replied.

“Baba jay na 20k dey here, if i go work tomorrow i go give you the remaining 13k” I handed Baba jay 20,000naira.

“Baba jay na 15k wey i chop Bigie and Tupac for gamble today be this, if i chop them again tomorrow i go pay you the remaining” Snoop handed Baba jay 15,000naira.

“na 33k dey here, i don pay finish be that” Man handed Baba jay his complete money.

Baba jay painstakingly counted all the money and said, “early mor-mor tomorrow, i go go give this money to the welder wey dey do the container, him don finish am, na make i just pay am finish com carry the container”.

Early mor-mor means early morning.

Since the business was for the good of all of us, i was sure the money wouldn’t be stolen.

Commander Bigie had gone to his room to sleep, and his second in command Brainbox was part of the business, so no one else could steal the money, or so i tot.

“where Tega go na?” I asked. “him travel go Delta state” Snoop answered.

Tega had told I and Man one evening that he would go and sU-Ckle “Anra Nwanyi Asaba”, so that his Yahoo-yahoo business would flourish. He said he wanted to take the risk.

Risk!! Risk!! Risk!! That was what my friends were all about. From the Notorious robber Bigie, to the Babalawo Man, to Brainbox with the brain of five persons put together, to Tega who wanted to get money from the devil, amongst others.

I am not sure i would ever meet such friends in my lifetime.

Before i forgot, Anra means B”reast, Nwanyi means Woman, and Asaba is the same Asaba you know as the capital of Delta state.

Tega wanted to go sU-Ckle the b”reast of a priestess in Asaba so his Yahoo-yahoo business would blossom. And money would p’ump in. That was his belief.

Rumour had it when i was in school that a guy in my department sU-Ckled the b”reast of the priestess and succeeded in yahoo-yahooing his way to own an expensive car at 22. The guy was the talk of the town as girls clustered around him like bee to nectar.

Legend has it that sU-Ckling the gigantic b”reast of the priestess would make one succeed in whatever he does. But Flow has it that; “the devil gives with the right hand and takes with the left”.

“Baba jay na you dey sleep for ground today, why you com cancel your name com put my name” Man said as he was staring at the sleeping timetable on top of the table.

“guy make you no talk that thing oh, that day wey i come back from church late wey na you suppose sleep for ground, i meet you dey sleep for bed, i no talk anything, i just sleep for ground” Baba jay explained.

“forget that day oh, that day don pass, today na you dey sleep for ground” Man said.
“guy make you no try me me oh, i dey warn you oh” Baba jay said pointing a finiger at Man.

What i thought wouldn’t get to an extent of quarelling, as tempers were boiling, i could tell a quarel was knocking. Or even a fight.

“who you dey warn?” Man queried. “na you, i no be your mate oh” Baba jay said.

“guy, you be old man but you no dey respect yourself” Man thundered.

“guy i go just beat you like small pekin” Baba jay threatened.

“even if hundred of your type fight me, them no go fit beat me” Man threatened.

“make una come warn Man oh, i go beat am oh” Baba jay said as he moved closer to Man with his fist clenched.

“guy you no go fit beat Man oh” I nearly whispered to Baba jay as i held him.

The next thing i saw, Man was with a knife threatening to stab Baba jay. “make una hold Man oh” I yelled, as Snoop and Brainbox held Man firmly.

So if Man was left, he would had stabbed Baba jay with the knife? God forbid bad thing!! That would had been my last night in Nekede, i would had taken the next available Flight, sorry, Bus to Lagos.

As i held Baba jay firmly, i noticed his whole body was vibrating. “leave me, make i teach am lesson” Baba jay said.

“make i leave you make you teach person wey hold Knife lesson abi? You wan die be that oh” I nearly said.

Legend has it that Northerners loves fighting with sharp objects like Knife and daggar. And Man grew up in the North, so i blamed him not.

I couldn’t tell whether it was “Jaz” or “voodoo” that Man used on Brainbox and Snoop that they let go of him and he dashed towards Baba jay with the knife.

I could tell his mission was to divide Baba jay’s “Ishi Ukwu” to two equal halves with the knife he held.

Ishi Ukwu means Big head. Of course Baba jay had a Big head. His head was also square in shape like a Tv screen.

Suddenly, Pkc rushed into the room to save the day by pushing Man away. And MOG quickly collected the knife from him.

That night i promised myself not to sleep by the side of Man, so he wouldn’t mistake me for Baba jay and stab me in the middle of the night.

“Mama Ejima i dey greet oh” I greeted Mama Ejima the next morning.

Her response to my greeting was an eyeball. She eyeballed and hissed.

“if you like make you no answer me as i dey greet you, wetin i know be say you go pay us the money” I almost said.

“but wait oh, this woman fit poison me and Man oh” I said to myself.

On our way to work, i stopped over at Florence’s boutique to collect the money she had sold, and i told her i wanted to go get more Jewelleries at Kpatalico Jewellery marketing company, a company located at Number 1 Kponkpon street, Nekede Owerri.

Mama Calabar canteen was open that morning. “Mama Calabar why you no open yesterday na?” I asked. “my pekin no well, i carry her go hospital, but i open in the evening” She informed.

“give us our usual” Man ordered. Our usual was Rice and Beans, with two Kpormor. Point of correction, the Rice and Beans wasn’t Cement and Gravel, also the Kpormor wasn’t that thing found in between a Lady’s legs.

As i ate the delicious Rice and Beans, in my mind i was saying; “nothing like Mama’s food”. Not my Biological Mother, but Mama Calabar.

Romour had it that Mama Calabar always used the water she made use of in washing her Kpormor to prepare her meals, i guess you know the Kpormor i mean here? If you no know, na you sabi.

If the rumour was anything to go by, then it was certain Man, Flow and Brainbox would change their States of Origin to become Cross Riverians soonest. Because they were long lost in Mama Calabar’s food charm.

Sometimes, i usually eat Mama Calabar’s food all the way to my dreams.

You wouldn’t blame me, would you? When her food was not only Mouth watering, it was also Nose watering, and even Stomach watering.

They say; “you don’t know what you have until it is gone”. For just a day that Mama Calabar was gone, i really missed her food.

“Man my hand dey pain me oh, you sure say we go fit dig another pit today?” I complained on our way to the site. “guy no talk that r’ubbish oh, we must dig one pit oh” Man replied.

“take Tramadol, drink am make e give you power” Man offered me two capsules of Tramadol. I collected it and swallowed without thinking twice. I never knew the same Tramadol would almost rob me of my heart.

We got to the site to meet Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie already digging. “guy na for here una sleep?” Brainbox teased.

“yes, we sleep here, we dey dig where we go bury you make you sef sleep, make you sleep go meet Baba God” Igbakwambo said.

“which kin play be that na? Na you go die” Brainbox responded.
“guy your trouser don tear for n.yash oh” I told Igbakwambo.

“leave am like that, i dey collect breeze from there” He answered.

Maybe he thought the hole was small that was why he answered me that way. He never knew the hole was Map of the world, revealing practically his whole a”ss.

“guys make we start work, them Ochagbuorie don go far” Man said.

“today work, na small small oh, see, the work wey i work yesterday don give me Koko for my head” I complained showing my guys the Koko.

The Koko grew over-night, and soon my head would look like that of Papa Ajasco.

“guy even if the Koko for your head grow big like tree, we must dig one pit today oh” Man said.

I must dig for sure, even if the Koko grew as tall as an Iroko tree. Afterall they say; “make money or die trying”.

As we were changing to our Kponkpon suits, my phone rang, it was my Dad.

The first question he asked me was; “where are you?” i initially wanted to answer; “church” but i thought otherwise and answered; “school”. School of Kponkpon i guess.

He also asked me if i needed some money, “No” ran ahead of “Yes” as my answer. The last time he sent me money was 6months ago. I needed his prayers more than his money. I was living a Jungle life of Independence.

We had started digging and Madam Ifeoma wasn’t around.

We had dug about 2ft when she came with her Television a”ss and became a “bad belle” to our work.

Una want make i interpret “bad belle” sef?