Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 38

Episode 8 years ago

Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 38

We started digging our graves. Or so i tot.
Man and Brainbox were digging with shovels, while I was offloading the sand.

Albeit i placed an “Oshuka” on my head, i still felt the heaviness of the sand. My neck was practically lost in my head, or better still, i was “neckless”.

I know say una no go know wetin be “Oshuka”. Well, Oshuka is a name given to a clothe that is placed on the head before a load is carried, it is a Pidgin slang. Oshuka sometimes act as shock absorber to prevent stunted growth, or to prevent what is called “Koko”.

Koko is a Pidgin English slang for the swollen part of your body, especially head, that is struck on a hard surface. There are of two types: Ripe Koko, and Unripe Koko. The Unripe Koko is the type of Koko that comes out of a Son’s head when he recieves a “konck” on the head from his Dad. Unripe Koko is temporary unlike Ripe Koko which in some cases are permanent.

Must i tell you guys everything? Must i tell you guys also that “Konck” means “Knock”. Just that Konck is Pidgin and Knock is English. And the difference is just inter-changing the “o” and “n”.

“Man why you no tell us say na 15ft we go dig na” I cried as i saw what was written on the paper Madam Ifeoma gave Man.

“na everything i go tell you?” Man answered.

Instead of the “Oshuka” i placed on my head to serve it’s purpose, it was giving me a haircut, not a trendy haircut but a haircut by the name “Rat chop”. I was gradually losing my hair.

“Brainbox come carry sand small na” I cried.

“no worry, i go carry, wait small” Brainbox replied.

Carrying the sand was a herculean task because i had to climb a poorly constructed ladder. A ladder constructed by Man. Man the “Jack of all trade”. Carpentry was one of his laurels. “Man this ladder no good oh” I complained.

“e good, no worry e no go fall you” Man assured.

As i climbed up the ladder for the umpteenth time, i noticed that the pit Ochagbuorie and Igbakwambo had dug was far deeper than ours. I was surprised.

“why two people go get power pass three people?” I asked myself.

The answer to that question was staring at me from a corner. Ike Nwoke.

“bad boys! So na this thing una dey drink wey make una don dig go far” I said.

“naso na, you no know say we want finish one pit today, so we go get 50k” Ochagbuorie said.

I grabbed the bottle of Ike Nwoke and gulped without thinking. I thought it would instantly make me as strong as the Legendary Superman.

I needed not to see a big “S” crested on my chest before i would be convinced i was stronger.

As i got close to where our pit was, Man said, “Flow make we rest small, make we go chop”

“i be Mumu oh, me wey never chop go dey drink Ike Nwoke” I cursed myself.
We walked and walked, but never saw a canteen, not even half a canteen. It seemed Mama Calabar had Monopolized the business.

Lucky enough, we saw a Ghana Man.

Of course Majid Michel and John Dumelo are Ghanian Men, am not talking of a “Ghanian Man” but a “Ghana Man”.

A Ghana Man is a Man that sells “Bons” in a glass box that he carries on his head. I don’t know if i would be right by interpreting a “Bons” as fried flour.

Legend has it that Ghanians were the first set of people that started producing and selling Bons in Nigeria. That was how the name “Ghana Man” came to be.

“Ghana Man we wan buy Bons” Man Ordered.

I looked at the face of the Ghana Man and saw that he looked more like an Ibo Man than a Ghana Man.

Ibos!! When it comes to money, an Ibo Man can become not only Ghanian but Togolese, Senegalese, Spanish or even Saudi Arabian.

“how much own?” The Ghana Man asked.

“five hundred naira own” Man replied.

“five hundred naira own too much na” I said.

“guy e no too much oh, you no know the kin work wey we dey work” said Brainbox.

Suddenly, i started sweating, i was fidgety.

My eyes were spinning. My right eye was spinning clockwise, while my left eye was spinning anti clockwise.

“wetin dey happen to me na?” I asked myself, “ok na that Ike Nwoke wey i drink” the same me answered myself.

My legs were failing me gradually. But what i tried to do was to prevent my friends from noticing.

In my ears i was hearing the sound of a Keyboard playing. My Six were in Sevens.

“behave urself oh, no fall my hand oh” I told the Ike Nwoke.

Maybe it was because i wasn’t working with the Ike Nwoke i drank, or maybe not.

At that moment, i lost Four of my Five senses namely; i was longsighted, i couldn’t even percieve the Bons, my saliva tasted like coffee, in my ears a Keyboard was playing the National anthem. The sense that was still alive was the sense of feeling, as i could feel the cool breeze that blew, all thanks to the trees around.

We bought almost all the Ghana Man’s Bons, sorry, Bonses.

If the Singular form is Bons, then the Plural form would be Bonses. Abi no be so?

As I and Man waited for Brainbox who went to buy sachet water that we would use to send home the Bonses, we chewed three b’alls of Bonses each, chewing it made me found my lost sense of taste.

“see the water oh” Brainbox said as he kept the sachet water on the floor, and we started the munching competition.

“wetin dey ur pocket na?” I asked Brainbox after i noticed his pocket bulged.

“na Squadron oh, na Squadron wey i thief” Brainbox brought out a bottle of Squadron dry gin.

Just when i was saying the Ike Nwoke i drank was shutting down my Nervous system, Squadron the devil came.

I promised myself never to drink a drop of it.
“Flow wetin make you com get power to dig well well like this na? And you no follow us drink that Squadron oh” Man said as we continued digging.

“na the handwork of Ike Nwoke oh” I nearly said.

This time around, Brainbox was offloading the sand while I and Man were digging.

Although it was sunny, we dug to an extent that water started gushing from the ground. Soon, it got to my knee.

“Man you sure say we go fit finish this work today so?” I inquired. “no talk that r’ubbish oh, we must finish am oh, because tomorrow we go dig another pit” Man warned.

If the price of digging a pit was 50,000naira, and we succeeded in digging two pits in two days, that meant we were rich, we were Big boys.

The thought of investing the money in the proposed barber’s shop energized me to work harder.

As we were digging, we were also measuring the depth of the pit with a tape.

Since non of us worked more than the others, in my mind i was thinking Man would want to take the Lion share of the pay as our boss. “ehnnn! Make him no try am oh” I told myself.

Unless he wanted me to prove to him that i had a belt in Taekwondo. I would beat s’hit off him.

Who was i saying i would beat? Man? The Babalawo? God forbid!! Even if he paid me to fight him, i would reject the offer.

“my waist dey pain me oh, e don break” Brainbox complained.

“no worry, we don dey reach the end, we go soon stop” Man assured.

An hour later, Madam Ifeoma arrived.

She didn’t come alone, she came with Old Solja, or rather Young Solja.

As Old Solja alighted from Madam Ifeoma’s car, i noticed he was looking younger and kept unlike the last time i saw him about a month ago.

“Old Solja!! Old Solja!!” we cheered. “my boys! How unu dey” He smiled revealing his rotten teeth. The kind of teeth no toothpaste in the whole wide world could clean. The only remedy to bring the sparkling back to his teeth was if he tried brushing with a mixture of Ogogoro, Brukutu, Omo, Jik, and Kerosene. And an Iron sponge would do the “dirty job” of scrubbing.
Ogogoro is spirit, alcoholic spirit, while Brukutu is a native alcoholic drink that is sometimes reddish. Why i prefered Ogogoro to Brukutu is because, the first day i drank Ogogoro to stupor, i saw the Sun and the Moon dancing round my head.

Before i throw more light on Brukutu, be warned, never you drink Brukutu alone, never!! It is best enjoyed with friends.

As for Brukutu, since i was born, the one and only day i ate my poo was the day i drank Brukutu to stupor at Mammy market in the Barracks. That day, i saw the heap of my poo as a heap of Moi Moi, so i took just a chunk, and then one for the road(those of una wey dey vex say i dey talk about s’hit, make una no vex i dey talk am as e happen). I was just Twelve then, and it was a juvenile adventure i embarked on. After taking about three cups of “BK” as it is popularly known, i went to a nearby bush, pood and ate half of it. I smelt of poo as i walked home that night.

I know you would be asking why i ate poo when i wasn’t mad?

The answer to that is simple; that was the first day i tasted anything alcohol, so i had planned taking it alone. Brukutu commisioned my drinking career. What happened when i got home that day is a story for another day.

“Old Solja wetin you dey chop na?” I asked Old Solja who walked towards where we sat resting. “na Kola” Old Solja replied.

Kola is a short form for Kolanut, and Kolawole. Legend has it that Kolanut is an express way to having rotten teeth. And also, the moment you eat Kolanut, you have murdered sleep, sleep will be so far from you.

“unu want Kola?” Old Solja offered. “i no want” I and Brainbox said at the same time. But Man accepted it. Why?

Because he was a Mallam. And Kolanut was like Candy to a typical Mallam.

An hour later and we were through digging the “bottomless” pit, that was 30minutes after Igbakwambo and Ochabuorie finished digging theirs.

Madam Ifeoma ordered us to perfect the work by showing us some places we had to dig, which we did, albeit reluctantly. She was just searching for our mistakes.

Why wouldn’t she? Considering the amount of money involved. 50K.

After painstakingly checking what we had done, and it was well, Madam Ifeoma handed Team Igbakwambo and Team Man a huge bunch of money each, and she asked us if we would be able to dig another pit the next day, of which Man answered “Yes”, likewise Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie. Left to me, i would had answered “No” because i wasn’t feeling my both hands at all.

As i held the huge bunch of money Madam Ifeoma gave me as our pay, i almost cried.

Tears of Joy, because the last time i held such huge amount of money was when i went to pay my final year school fees.
Where else would we head to after such hard work but Soroagwa’s canteen.

Soroagwa’s canteen was empty of customers that evening. What kept him company was the plate of Isiewu and the bottle of Gulder beer he was enjoying.

“Soroagwa you dey enjoy oh” Man complimented. “na God oh” Soroagwa responded.

“shey na God dey chop the Isiewu, abi na Him dey drink the beer?” I nearly said.

“wetin i go bring for una?” Soroagwa asked after he had finished his “dialogue” with Isiewu and Gulder.

“Ogbono soup dey?” Man asked. “yes e dey” answered Soroagwa.

“okay give me Ogbono soup, and put four meat, two kpomor and one fish” Man ordered.

I almost gave him a round of applause for ordering like a Vampire would, but i thought twice because the money was there.

“Akpu dey?” Man asked again. “yes e dey” Sorogwa answered.

“give me four Akpu make i use start first, i fit need extra later” Man ordered.

This time, i almost shouted “Hallelujah” because of his wierd order.

On a normal Kponkpon day, i wouldn’t be able to finish two wraps of Akpu, not to talk of three, but here was Man demanding for Four wraps.

“the Four Akpu wey you say make Soroagwa bring na for three of us?” Brainbox inquired.

“which kin three of us, na for only me jor” Man replied. “e be like say una no dey hungry oh, since morning na only Bons dey my belle, upon the work wey we work” He further said.

Were the Four wraps of Akpu for three of us, there would still had been leftover, because one wrap was as big as the head of a New born baby.

“make i bring the same thing for una two?” Soroagwa was refering to I and Brainbox.

I thought of it for a while and said, “no oh, me na two Akpu i go chop oh”. “na two Akpu me sef want oh” Brainbox said.

Even if i wanted to commit suicide, not with Akpu. There were a hundred and one better ways of committing suicide.

“Brainbox, as you don pay your money for the barbing salon wey we wan open, i want make you borrow me your share of this money” Man said as he was sharing the money.

“how Brainbox go borrow you money, Brainbox wey like money pass himself” I said within.

To my greatest surprise, Brainbox said, “no wahala, i go borrow you”.

“Baba Brain!! You be correct Man, no worry i go give you back if we dig another pit tomorrow” Man assured.

Man handed me a bunch of money and said, “na 16k-16k we share am, so the remaining 2k we go use am pay for the food wey we wan chop so”.
Soroagwa brought two plates, each containing two big wraps of Akpu and said, “that one na for Man, i dey come make i bring una own”. Why he used two plates to dish the Akpu was because a plate could contain only two wraps.

Even if Man wasn’t ashamed of himself, i was ashamed of him.

As Soroagwa brought my two wraps of Akpu, i was wondering if the two wraps would seat conviniently in my stomach, or an explosion would occur.

“Soroagwa why your Akpu big today na?” Man cried out.

“you dey fear? You must finish am oh” I almost told Man.

“na for another place i buy this one, this one na 50naira for one, but the former one na 40naira for one” Soroagwa answered and left.

Legend has it that why Ibos are one of the strongest people in Nigeria is because of the kind of food they eat. Strong Akpu, strong Pounded Yam, even the Eba of a typical Ibo man is as strong as a rock. Little wonder a typical Ibo man is always muscular. Their muscular nature isn’t because they work out alot, but because of the strong things they swallow.

The plates of Ogbono soup were “meat-full”. A butcher wouldn’t even eat that much pieces of meat.

“Soroagwa this meat too much oh” I nearly said.

The Ogbono soup looked delicious. It was also hot. Pipping hot.

Research has it that hot Ogbono soup when taken in a haste could kill.

So i slowly swallowed.

The Ogbono soup acted as a lubricant that made the b’alls of Akpu smoothly ran into my stomach.

Before i knew it i was on my second wrap.

And Man was on his third wrap.

“Man wey dey reason!!” I hailed.

“Soroagwa bring me one bottle of Gulder make i take step down this food” Man ordered as we continued eating.

Soroagwa brought it and asked, “make i bring for una two?”. “yes, bring Udeme for me” I ordered.

“the Junior brother of Udeme no dey oh, na the senior brother nahim dey” Soroagwa informed.

I wanted to say, “no worry, leave am, i no go fit drink the senior brother finish”.

But before i could say that, Brainbox had already said, “Bring two bottle of the senior brother for me and Flow”