Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 40

Episode 8 years ago

Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 40

MMake sure you dig here, dig it wide up to this point” Madam Ifeoma begane.

It seemed she wanted us to really work hard for our 50k.

I saw Madam Ifeoma’s eyes from time to time gazed at the Map of the World in Igbakwambo’s a..ss. To make matters worse, Igbakwambo wore no underwear. Albeit he was fair in complexion, his a..ss was as dark as charcoal. He was the perfect description of “yellow body, black nyash”.

As we continued digging, the Sun came from the skies to join us.

It was so hot that Madam Ifeoma was sweating all over her body. I saw wetness gathered in the T.oto area of the trouser she wore. As if she peed on herself.

Talking of T.oto, i remember when i was in primary Four and i saw; “T.oto is good” written boldly in the frontpage of my exercise book. When i showed it to my class teacher Miss Bola, she changed the “T.oto” to “Togo”, so it became, “Togo is good”. She even went further to explain that “Togo” was the name of a country, and that it was because Togo was the most beautiful country in the world that was why whoever wrote it did so.

The believe that Togo was the most beautiful country in the world stuck to my brain until i got to JSS2 when my friends were mentioning different countries like; USA, England, Brazil, France and Spain as the Countries they would love to go to. I told them i would love to go to Togo, and they laughed so hard at me. That fetched me the nickname “Togo” althrough the academic session of JSS2.

When the nickname “Togo” stopped was when i got to SS1 and got another nickname “Beans”. That was because my friend found raw Beans in my school bag. I know by now you would be asking how the raw Beans got there.

Well, as funny as it sounds, i was reading my books one night and my Mum gave me beans to pick out the dirts, i mistakenly poured a handful of the beans into my school bag instead of the bowl beside me. I was immediately sent on an urgent errand by my Mum, and when i returned from the stressful errand, i had forgotten there was beans in my bag. The next day in school my friend saw the beans, and the nickname “Beans” spread like Staphylococus in the school, even my teachers called me Beans.

I changed Nicknames like i changed clothes, i just don’t know why. From “Fish boy” to “Codo” to “Togo” to “Beans” to “Repo” to “Fanta” to “High tension” to “Flow”(this nickname never died) to “Ugo Flow” to “Ekun”(its Yoruba, and it means Tiger) to “The Governor”, and still counting.

I got each of these nicknames in a funny way is an understatement, i got them in the funniest of ways, especially the nickname “High tension”. Don’t worry as the story continues you would get to know how i got the nickname “High tension” and other nicknames. But make sure you go buy a brand new set of ribs because it promises to be a rib cracker.

“make sure you measure the width, and depth accurately oh, i will be at Old Solja’s room, this Sun is too much” Madam Ifeoma said and she left.

“instead of you to talk say you wan go make Old Solja wayah you, you dey talk say Sun too much” I almost said.

As i continued packing the sand, all of a sudden my heart started beating faster.

“wetin dey happen na?” I asked myself as i sat to rest. As i rested for about 2minutes, it stopped beating fast and was beating normally, making me feel drowsy.

“Flow come continue to dey pack dis sand oh, no resting oh” Man yelled.

“so make i get heart attack where i dey work abi” I said.

“Flow come na, Old Solja don bring wheelbarrow wey go make the work easy for you” Brainbox informed.

As i stood up and walked, i felt my heart beating even faster than before. Not only that, my whole body was vibrating.

“Man you sure say na Tramadol you give me make i drink?” I cried. “yes na, na Tramadol” Man replied.

“why my body dey shake na?” I inquired. “naso e dey do na, if you drink Tramadol before you start work, you no go rest, you go just continue to dey work, if you rest na sleep be that oh” Man informed.

Igbakwambo hurriedly too k the wheelbarrow and raced towards their end, and i chase him. As i chased him, grasses held my right leg and i fell.

I heard so many laughs.

I also heard Man said, “Flow Old Solja don bring another Wheelbarrow, stand up”.

“you dey mad oh, why you no tell me say Old Solja go bring another wheelbarrow, you com make me dey pursue dis Igbakwambo wey him nyash black like Monkey nyash” I said.
After work.

I walked home like an I’mbecile. Infact, we all walked home like a combination of I’mbecility and Albinism.

I was so tired and weak.

I would go to work the next day for sure, only if Sokoto became the capital of France and New York the capital of Senegal.

“Madam Ifeoma say we no go work tomorrow wey be Friday, she say she want make them the welders weld the tank wey them go put inside the pit wey we don dig, say na welders go work Friday and Saturday” Man informed.

“make we enter Obele place go take Indomie and Egg with Custard na” Man suggested.

“for this kin hot Sun nahim we go take hot custard” Brainbox said.

“ehen, nahim good pass na, Obele go put enough milk for the Custard, so our blood wey don dry go come back” Man said.

Of a truth, my blood was dried up, all thanks to Tramadol a.k.a Tea.

“guy see your zip dey open oh, see ur p’rick dey show sef, why you no dey like to wear boxers sef” I told Man.

“my boxers dem don tear finish, i go buy new ones” Man said as he zipped up.

“why ur boxers no go tear, no be that your big p’rick dey tear am?” I almost told him.

“Obele give us Indomie and Egg with Custard, milk go plenty for the Custard oh” Man ordered.

As we sat in a round table of brotherhood, Man brought out the 50k and started counting it. He gave me my share, and gave Brainbox the rest. That meant he had reimbursed Brainbox the money he collected from him the previous day.

Obele saw Man giving Brainbox the money as he came to serve us the plates of Indomie, and he yelled, “Chineke mi eeeeee! See money eee!! My guys don hamma eeee!!” with his mouth ajar.

“Obele behave yourself oh, this money na my school fees oh” Brainbox said.

School fees indeed!! School fees for Kpokpon state University, Faculty of Madam Ifeoma, Department of pit digging.

“But incase una hamma, i wan sell my shop oh, if una go fit buy am, i wan sell everything wey dey inside the shop” Obele informed.

“why you wan sell am na?” I asked. “I wan travel go America” Obele replied smiling. His smile reminded me of the smile of “Paw paw” in the famous “Aki and Paw paw” movie.

“e get one America wey dey for this Imo state oh, dem dey call am Amalarica, shey na that one you wan travel go?” I said, and everybody in the canteen laughed.

“na una sabi, i don tell una finish, i wan travel go America” Obele said.

“where dem the egg na?” Man asked Obele.

“i dey come, i go bring them now” Obele replied.

“na six egg you go bring oh” said Man. “i know na, i know una usual na” Obele answered.

As we started eating our meal, i noticed that a Guy and a Lady sat behind me. I concluded they were on a date because i saw how the guy was whispering sweet words to the ears of the Lady who was laughing like the Fat f’oul she was. Wow! What a romantic place to go on a date, Obele’s canteen, or better still Obele’s eatery.

We were enjoying our delicious indomie “jejely” when i heard, “broaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” i knew a fart just came out of the Fat a”ss of the Fat f’oul that sat behind me, because that was where the sound came from.

“Flow you dey mad oh, we dey chop, you dey mess” Man accused me of what i never did.

“you dey mad sef, no be me mess, how i go disgrace myself for public” I replied.

We continued eating, oweing to the fact that the fart was a “Neat fart”.

A neat fart is a fart without smell.

Obele brought the boiled eggs we ordered and decorated them on our plates.

A minute later, i heard, “broaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!” again. I initially thought my phone was Vibrating, because it was on Vibrate mode, and it was in the character of making a scary noise when vibrating.

I touched my pocket to confirm it wasn’t my phone.

With so much fury, i stood up. My eyes gradually turned red courtsey of the stench of the fart.

My eyes always turns red when my anger reaches boiling point.

“e no go better for person wey mess, that person go continue to dey mess every 30seconds, that person body go dey smell mess forever and ever” I cursed.

“Amen!!” My friend s chorused.

“Bros take am easy dey curse na” The fat f’oul spoke out. And i saw that her face was as deadly as her fart.

“make i take am easy? if na you mess, talk na, so i no go curse again” I said.

The stench was too much. Damn too much.

“abeg i no get appetite to chop again, Obele take your money” Man paid Obele.

As we were about leaving, Brainbox hurriedly took the six boiled eggs from our plates and said, “the mess no reach the egg na”

As we got close to our gate, we noticed that Baba jay had brought the Container and it had already been painted. It was positioned on a nice spot.

“Tega you don come back from Nwanyi Asaba?” I almost asked Tega as i saw him operating his laptop on getting home.

“Tega you don come back from Asaba?” Man asked, omitting the “Nwanyi” from what i almost said.

Tega looked different that evening, he was bald. His head was like a desert. Maybe Kalahari desert.

The haircut he wore is called “Gbadagba” in Ibo and “Afarikorodo” in Yoruba.

“Tega why you barb this kin haircut na, person die for una house?” Man asked.

“person no die, leave am for me, i like am like that” Tega replied.

“abi na this haircut Nwanyi Asaba say make you barb?” I nearly said.

Talking of such haircut, i will never forget the day i was bald to school. That day i came face to face with my worst nightmare.

I never planned to go to school bald, but like they say in Pidgin; “na condition make crayfish bend”.

I went to cut my hair in the barber’s shop one evening, when i got there, the crowd was too much, so i went back home. At home, i slept off, and woke up by 10pm.

I hurriedly went back to the barber’s shop and discovered the place was locked, they had closed for the day.

I had to cut my hair by all means, so i opted for the lost cause of searching for a barber’s shop that was open. I found none, they had all closed for the day.

Why i had to cut my hair by all means was because a Soldier(i went to a military school) had warned me not to come to school the following day with my bushy hair. To make matters worse, we were writing our exams, and there was no way i could miss going to school.

Corporal Ibrahim was dreaded by all, no student could survive just five strokes of his cane. And he was always on duty at the gate. Always.

I thought of what to do for my hair not to remain the same. Then i concluded i would use the combination of Scissors, Razor blade and Comb.

Scissors was first used to reduce the hair to an extent, then Razor blade and Comb took over.

We would had stopped at using Scissors alone, but it would had been a “rat chop” haircut. And a “rat chop” haircut was too bad for a handsome SS2 boy like me, so we went further using Razor blade and Comb to do the dirty job of “Afarikorodo”.

The Razor was new, so it was sharp and it cut some part of my head, making me bleed seriously. Maybe it was because the person that cut the hair wasn’t skilled at using Razor blade and Comb.
That person was Cosmos my friend. Albeit he made use of a lantern to see properly, he was so blind that he was practically bisecting my head. I was injured in so many parts of my big head.

I never took my bath that night, i just poured water on my head, rubbed off the water with a wrapper and went to bed. The next morning as i was taking my bath, that was when it dawned on me the damage Cosmos had done. I cried like a baby in the bathroom because soap resting on the injuries caused me great pain.

I got to school and my friends couldn’t hold their laughter. One of them even named the haircut or rather hairdamage “High tension”. His reason for naming the hairdamage “High tension” was because according to him, my head could generate electricity, he further said the lines on my head were like high tension wires.

That was how i got the nickname “High tension”.

“where Pkc na?” I asked. “him dey kitchen dey cook” Snoop answered.

“Flow i don pay my money for the salon finish” Snoop said. “how you take do am na?” I inquired.

“I chop Tupac and Bigie for gamble today, i chop them plenty money” Snoop said.

“me sef don pay my own oh, i don give Baba jay” Tega informed.

“everybody don pay finish, Flow na only you remain to complete your own” Baba jay said.

I gave Baba jay some money, he nodded after counting, then he said, “i go go buy the things wey we go put inside the shop tomorrow, but the problem be say, wetin we go give the name of the barbing salon sef?”.

You need to hear the funny names my guys brought as suggestions.

And you also need to hear the funny name we ended up giving the Barber’s shop.