Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 37

Episode 8 years ago

Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 37

“Guy i no know how i go do am oh, i no know how i go get my own 33thousand naira for the business wey we wan start oh, e be like say i no go follow una do am oh, I never pay Tupac him necklace money finish sef, guy i get so many wahala for my head oh” Man complained as both of us sat under the Mango tree the next morning.

“guy shebi we go start kponkpon work tomorrow, tell Madam Ifeoma make she borrow you the 33k na, say she go dey collect am small small if you dey work” I suggested. “na true talk oh” Man agreed.

Me that was suggesting, i had not even thought of how my thirty three thousand naira would come.

“guy make we go see how much them go give us as our share for that yesterday money” Man suggested and we walked towards Bigie’s room.

We got there at the nick of the time, when they had finished sharing the money.

“Flow na your own share be this, na 5k” Tupac offered me my share.

“Man na ur own be this, na 5k sef” He also offered Man his share.

I was filled with joy as i counted the money. Because i did little or nothing to earn it.

“But the problem now be say, how we go share dem this phone?” Brainbox said.

“na true oh, and if to say Ade dey, we for sell them” said Bigie.

“ehnnnn Brainbox since na you thief am, you go take one of the phone, Bigie go take one, Me I go take one, Man and Flow go share the last one” said Tupac.

That was cheating. As if it was possible for two persons to share a phone.

But i complained not, neither did Man, afterall our hands weren’t the hands that stole it.

All the phones were expensive, that i wondered how those motor park touts operated such expensive phones. Well, they weren’t the real owners, neither were we. The real owners weren’t those that bought the phones at first, the real owners were to come. Infact the real ownership is unending. Until it gets to the “final looter”.

Untill then, the owners of the Nokia camera phone were Man and Flow.

“una wicked oh, see as una take better phone com give me and Man this r’ubbish camera phone, e no good oh” I complained. What i never knew was that that phone would be the Goose that would lay us a Golden egg in the nearest future.

“Tupac take this 5k, minus am for the money wey i dey owe your” Man offered Tupac.

“make we gamble na” Brainbox suggested and they started gambling.

I knew somebody’s share of the loot would soon go down the drain. My prayer was that it shouldn’t be my crony Brainbox. On a second thought, it would be better for him to lose it, afterall he had paid his 33k.

Knowing that gambling was tempting, i hurriedly left the room to avoid Super story. Man joined me.

“guy the phone get bluetooth oh” Man noticed as he accessed the phone.

I cared not whether the phone had greentooth or yellowtooth, or even if it was toothless, all i cared about at that moment was that i needed some weed.

“make we go Paapa place na” I suggested.

“guy no worry, i carry weed for my pocket, make we go backyard go smoke am” Man said.

We got to the dirty backyard, sat down and started wrapping our weed.

Suddenly i heard, “sutu uwe gi”, it was a female voice. A familiar one at that.

“sutu uwe gi” i could now figure that it was Kate’s voice.

My brain was sharp enough to know that “Sutu uwe gi” literally means “remove your clothes”.

That meant a man was about to remove his clothes, or so i tot.

I was anxious to know who the man was, and how the f”ucking would look like, so i tiptoed towards Kate’s window, Man followed behind.

To our greatest surprise, we saw no man but two women.

Mama Ejima and Kate.

Mama Ejima was kneeling down. Maybe she was pleading for something as i could see she wore a “pity” face. Or maybe not.

“anunam nunu, sutu uwe gi” Kate said. That was when it dawned on me that Mama Ejima was actually pleading.

“anunam nunu” means “i have heard you”. Kate was an indigene of Owerri North local government, so was Mama Ejima, that was why they both loved conversing with Owerri dialet. A dialet that sounded like Efik.

As Mama Ejima started u’ndressing, i was wondering what her offence was that would warant her to u’ndress before she would be pardoned.

The drama started.

Mama Ejima was n’aked, and as Kate stood up, i saw that she too was n’aked.

They started making love.

Had my d’ick rose, i would had punished it later.

Instead of it to rise, it shrunk.

It shrunk because i so much hated watching L’esbians do their thing. Even g’ays. I prefered watching the real thing.

I watched the Movie keenly for about two minutes. Keenly, because that was my first time of seeing such.

I was feed up, and as i turned to leave, i saw what surprised me.

Man was silently videoing them with our Nokia phone all this while.

Blackmail read in my mind.
“guy you video that thing well so? You zoom am?” I asked as I and Man sat under the tree. “i zoom am na, make i play am for you” Man replied and started playing the B’lue film. Or rather L’esbian film.

As i watched the film for a while, suddenly my d’ick rose unlike when i was watching it Live. Maybe it was because Man played it with a high volume. Or maybe not.

We were watching so keenly that we never saw someone coming.

“what are you guys watching?” It was Pkc.

The Movie, or rather Action film was still playing loudly.

“nothing” I answered.

Nothing, but the m’oaning from the phone was loudly heard.

“why dis phone volume loud like this na?” I said to myself.

“I say what are you watching?” He asked again.

As i remembered what Pkc preached to us at the morning devotion that morning about telling the truth always, i told myself it was best i told him the truth.

“B’lue ………………….” I wanted to say B’lue film, but Man tapped me at my back signaling me not to. So i said; “Blue band” Instead.

“what is blue band?” Pkc asked. And i prayed for a lie to instantly fall from heaven. The best lie.

I initially thought of saying i needed to eat Bread and Blue band. But that wasn’t an award winning lie, i needed an award winning lie.

“ehnnnnn, I love the blue band of your boxers” I stammered.

Lucky enough, his boxers had this fine blue elastic waist band.

“Pkc we dey watch Champions league for phone” Man lied without thinking. Or better still, his a’nus did the thinking.

“you are watching Champions league and am hearing that sound, is that the sound of Champions league match?” Pkc queried.

“yes Pkc, na Chinese Champions league” Man answered.

“Man!! Which one be Chinese Champions league again?” I nearly said.

“and what is this thing swollen in your trouser” Pkc pointed at my d’ick that was at attention.

“which kin question be this na? Okay na Fish, na Big fish” I nearly said.

“Pkc naso the trouser dey, naso dem design am” I answered.

And Pkc laughed his way out saying; “may God save you people from I’mmorality”.

“Amen oh!!” we chorused.

“but why you no stop the video to dey play na?” I said to Man after Pkc left.

“i dey press am e no gree stop to play na” Man replied and we continued watching the Movie.

As we saw Mama Ejima left Kate’s room walking towards her room, we stopped watching the Movie and started whistling. I think i was whistling a Rap song while Man was whistling Hip hop.

She eyeballed us and walked into her room.

“r’ubbish woman, so your husband wey be Boxer no fit f”uck you well, mumu woman, na ur fellow woman you see to F”uck” I was beginning to dislike her. And Kate also.

About 2minutes later, i saw her walked towards us.

“go give me that phone” she said as she stood in front of me.

“yawa don gas oh, but how she take know say we video them na” I said to myself.

“no be me hold the phone oh” I cried out.
“na who com hold am?” She queried, as i tried moving my legs to see if they were still alive or dead, incase i needed them to run. Or raned.

“na Man oh” I pointed at Man.

“your Father Flow, Mama Ejima no be me hold any phone oh, Flow you dey mad” Man attacked.

“that mean say this woman na w’itch oh, how she take know say we dey video them?” I asked myself as i stood up to run. Man stood up also.

“where una wan go?” Mama Ejima queried.

“nowhere, we wan stretch our leg, because we don sidon since, so we no go get muscle pull” I answered.

I was now scared of Mama Ejima because W’itchcraft read in her eyes. I saw fire in her eyes also. Or so i tot.

Suddenly, Man ran, and as i was about to run, she grabbed my shirt saying; “u no dey go anywhere, una don go sell my phone abi, una must bring my phone oh”.

The beautiful Mama Ejima was more beautiful when angry. So beautiful that i almost k’issed her sweet lips.

“but na you i give the phone na, you be thief oh” she was blessing me with her Saliva as she yelled at me.

The Saliva of such a beautiful lady could serve as Honey to my Tea. A Tea i would gladly drink to stupor.

A closer view of her beautiful face reminded me of the portrait of “The Mona Lisa” by Leonardo Da Vinci.

“which phone you give me?” I inquired.

“my Phone wey i give you make you charge for una house na” She answered.

That was when my dull brain recalled she had earlier given me her phone to charge in our room, oweing to the fact that the electrical Junction box in their room was faulty.

“see as you let me fear, i think say na another thing you dey talk, leave my shirt jor, your phone dey, make i go bring am” I said and she let go of me.
I had called Nas the previous day, and he told me why he called me late the other night was because he wanted to inform me that the result of PHY411 was out.

And that the “411” of PHY411 was that i scored a “B” and he scored a “C”.

I was happy i passed by studying hard, sorry, by Mgboing hard.

“guy we go chop money with that video well well oh” I said, as I and Man stood outside waiting for Brainbox who went to buy groundnut that we would chew on our way to work the next day, “guy we need to use our head well well oh” Man warned.

“use our head for wetin?” Brainbox who just came asked. “use our head for this kponkpon work wey we wan start today” I replied.

“na true talk oh, we need to work and save money oh, because e no go tay that work go finish” Brainbox said.

As we chewed the groundnut and walked slowly, i felt like going back home, because to me, the Jewelleries business fetched me enough money.

I chewed the groundnut as if my life depended on my chewing. Without shame.

Legend has it that a man that eats anything while walking on the road, that man is irresponsible.

Three irresponsible men walked that morning chewing like f’ouls. The biggest F’oul was Flow.

“the groundnut make sense oh, Brainbox bring the one wey dey ur pocket na” I said. “na ur Papa put am for my pocket?” He replied. “abeg bring groundnut make we chop jor” said Man.

Brainbox reluctantly brought out the groundnut he hid in his pocket and we continued chewing.

Suddenly, Man tapped me saying; “see that girl dey greet you”. “no be me she dey greet, i no know her” I replied. The Lady was in a bus and still continued waving as the bus drove pass us.

“i know her oh, na Florence oh” I stammered. “you be mumu oh, groundnut wey you dey chop don block ur brain” Brainbox said.

My problem wasn’t that i couldn’t recognise Florence, my problem was that she saw me chewing groundnut like a Goat, and that i was dressed like a well brought up thug.

A worn out shirt, a wishy washy Jeans trousers, an over-size slippers, that was how i was dressed. Infact, we were all dressed as if that day was declared United Nation’s World Shabby Day. Like it was Rag day in the Federal University of Kponkpon.

Commercial bike riders were on strike so we had to make use of our “commercial” legs. Not that we loved to, but because the few available commercial buses were not enough to carry the crowd.

We got to Mama Calabar canteen, and saw that it was locked. Or was she on strike also? I asked myself.

We waited for 30minutes and she was nowhere to be found. “Man call her number na?” Brainbox said. “so na me like food pass for this World wey i go dey hold number of people wey dey sell food” Replied Man.

“guy so we no go chop before we start work?” I asked the obvious. “no, we go chop” Man answered, “wetin we go chop?” I anxiously asked.

“we go chop Sand sand” Man answered.

Sand sand interpreted to English is simply removing one “Sand” leaving just one “Sand”. Pidgin English is a language of repetition. Example of such repetition is making such statement: “see as you dey look look my Garri, abi e too water water? The Garri sweet oh, but e be like say small sand sand dey am”

“which kin play be that one, you no go serious abi” I said.

“as you dey ask nonesense question na, you know say na Mama Calabar be the only place wey people dey chop here, and no other place, but you still dey ask me r’ubbish question” Man said.
“this woman dey fine everyday oh, see as she be like 20years babe” I said to myself as i saw Madam Ifeoma that morning.

We changed to our Kponkpon traditional attire and waited for Madam Ifeoma to instruct us on what to do.

“today you are to start digging the big pits where the underground tanks would be placed” She informed.

“this is the measurement of the pit, the price for each pit is also there” She handed over a paper to Man.

When Man finished reading the information therein and smiled, that was when i knew all was well.

“so can you guys do it?” Madam Ifeoma asked. “yes we can” Man, Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie chorused. I and Brainbox just stared at them like two I’diots.

“Madam Ifeoma no worry, na me be Man wey dey dig Well the time wey i dey Sokoto, we fit dig two pit today sef” Man assured.

Madam Ifeoma told us she needed to go withdraw money from the bank, she showed us where to dig the pits, and she left. “go withdraw our money come oh” I said within.

“Man na how much to dig one pit?” Brainbox asked.

“na 50 oh” Man answered. “how we go dig that kin big pit for 50naira” Brainbox said.

“i mean 50,000naira” Man said. “yeeeekpa! na Big money oh” I yelled.

We formed two teams. Team Man and Team Igbkwambo. Team Man started digging a pit, while team Igbakwambo was digging another.

I suddenly heard a rumble in my stomach, “and we never chop oh” I told myself.