“guys, na dem the necklace be this, i don divide am into three, na the same amount of necklace dey for the three of them, i count them, so i know the amount wey all of una carry” Tupac was showing us the assorted Jewelleries he wanted us to market.
“make i tell una the price wey i buy am, one GL necklace na 500naira, one CC necklace na 300naira, one bangle na 200naira, and one earring na 100naira, but una fit sell them any amount wey una like, even if una like una fit sell GL wey i buy 500naira for 1million naira, that na una toror” Tupac narrated.
Toror is a Pidgin English slang meaning Concern.
“dis business go make sense pass Kponkpon oh” said Brainbox.
“yes na, but na if you get the mouth to market well oh” Tupac said, “i get the mouth na, na me be Flow, my mouth dey flow like Ogbono soup” I teased and they all laughed.
Jokes apart, i had a sugar coated mouth. Infact, i could even sell Snow to an Eskimo.
I arranged my wares in my bag, so did my friends, and we hit the street. “Man, where we go sell this necklace sef?” I asked Man, “when we reach there you go know” He answered and Brainbox laughed.
The first place we entered was a provision store. “yes! Can i help you?” An Anya 4:30 lady said.
Anya 4:30 is an Ibo slang said to reffer to people with impaired vision. The kind of Albino vision. The kind of vision whereby you would be looking at Mr A but talking to Mr B.
“i said can i help you?” She repeated. I thought she was talking to the standing fan, as she actually focused her eyes on the standing fan. Since it was just us that stood in front of her and it wasn’t possible she was talking to the standing fan, except she was mad, i concluded she was talking to us, so i answered, “we are from a Jewellery marketing company, we are here to market some of our products to you”.
I would have replaced “we” with “I”, because i turned to see that Man and Brainbox were separately cajoling two customers that came to buy something at the provision store. They left me alone with love from OYO.
Why wouldn’t they leave me to fend for myself? Afterall, we live in an OYO world.
OYO– On Your Own.
All Man For Himself.
I handed over some of the Jewelleries to the Lady, she admired them for a while, and asked, “what is the name of your company?”.
“Company” sounded like “Commander” to me. “which one be commander again, na Tupac nahim be our commander na” I said within.
“ehnn! Tupac” I said.
“so the name of ur company is Tupac?” She inquired, “sorry, i mean, Tupaco, Tupaco is the name of my company” I stammered.
“so where is this Tupaco company located?”. That question came too fast that the only place in Nigeria that came to my mind was Ondo.
“Ondo!” I answered.
“so you are saying all these Jewelleries are from Ondo state?” She was beginning to ask too many questions. At that moment, i quickly recall that Tupac had previously told us that he bought the Jewelleries from Onitsha, so i said, “no, they are actually from Onitsha, we have a branch in Onitsha”.
For 10minutes, she admired my beautiful Jewelleries and said, “i like them all, but just that i don’t have money to buy any of them”. “you dey mad, after u don look-look am finish, u com dey tell me say u no get money to buy am” I cursed within.
After 2hours of walking in the scorching sun, we made no sale, save just one Bangle Brainbox sold at the rate of 400naira.
We decided it was time to go home.
“guy Kponkpon business better pass this business oh” Brainbox confessed, as we walked home. “if no be say Madam Ifeoma say na till next month we go continue work for site, i for no do this r’ubbish business wey Tupac introduce us to” said Man.
“make una forget that thing abeg, today na our first day, naso first day dey be, tomorrow e go better” I asssured.
“una don forget say dem no dey use rush-rush chop Okro soup wey hot?” I said.
I was sure this “Okro soup” needed nothing but Patience. And i would sure wait until the hotness of the Okro soup reduces, before eating. Or so i tot.
“make we enter this hostel” Man suggested as we hit the street the next day.
We entered the gigantic hostel with my liver turned Lily. “i dey fear oh, wetin i go talk, e be like say na Female hostel be this oh” I said to myself as i knocked at the door of a room. With the number of flip flops i saw outside, i concluded the number of Ladies i would meet inside would be much.
I took a sip of the Chelsea dry gin Man adviced me to buy in other to give me the confidence to speak boldly. I wasn’t the only one that bought the Chelsea, we all bought a small bottle of Chelsea each.
The Chelsea dry gin ran so fast to seat on my left ventricle, making my heart beat faster.
“come in, the door is open” someone said from inside. I saw from the corner of my eyes that Brainbox took a sip of his own Chelsea dry gin before knocking at the door by my left.
I entered to meet not four or five ladies, but seven ladies. “ehenn! what do you want?” One of them queried.
“are you deaf, what do you want?” Another Lady yelled. I totally forgot what i came for.
“tell them wetin you come for na” the Chelsea i drank told me.
“i came to tell you Ladies that you are all beautiful” I said.
I had hit the Jugular. Because ladies so love a guy telling them they a beautiful, especially when they are more than one, and especially when the guy is as handsome as yours truely Flow. I read that in a book.
“thank you!! Thats so kind of you!! You are handsome too!! Thank you!!” Was what i heard from them that my head was swollen.
“we have heard you, we know we are beautiful, so what is ur mission?” A fair lady said, “ehnnn! My mission was formerly Catholic, but now my mission is Dominion City church” I said and they raised the roof with Laughter.
Since i had entered their Box 18, what was left was for me to strike the ball to the net.
“i am the Marketing Manager of Tupaco Jewellery marketing company, we have so many branches all over Nigeria, but i am in charge of our branch in Owerri” I introduced myself.
As i introduced myself that way, those of them that were keenly watching Home movie on the Tv suddenly turned to listen to what the Marketing Manager of Tupaco company had to offer. I really looked like a Marketing Manager the way i was dressed, except for my unpolished old shoes. One of the ladies stared keenly at my shoes as if it was the Home movie she was watching.
Home movie!! What else could keep seven Ladies in a room if not Home movie.
“Ladies, i have goodies you would love” I said bringing out the Jewelleries.
“i like this one!! I love this bangle!! How much is this Necklace? How much is this earring?” Were the noise that followed.
“Flow u don hamma!!” The Chelsea i drank told me.
“but guy shine your eye make dem no thief ur necklace oh” Chelsea warned me.
My eyes shone more than the Sun.
I Inflated the price to three times the cost price in other to put more money in my pocket.
Women and their materialistic nature. Even though i inflated the price, i still made sales bigtime. Or was it because i told them i was a Marketing Manager?
After much bargaining, i sold Five necklace, Four earrings and Three bangles.
The hotness of my Okro soup was reducing gradually, i could tell.
As I walked the street one afternoon, an Idea dropped, “Flow why you no go give Florence make she help you market some of this necklace” that was the Idea.
As i walked towards Florence’s Boutique, i was rehearsing in my mind how my conversation with her would be like.
Florence: “who are you?”
Flow: “don’t you remember me? I am Flowey”.(abi i resemble Micheal Jackson wey go do Plastic surgery?)
Florence: “i don’t know anybody by that name”.
Flow: “u don’t remember me? I am the guy you saw stealing, sorry, buying Akara the other day. I came here to buy boxers with my friend, remember?”
Florence: “Pls leave my boutique, i don’t know you”.
That could never happen, how would she deny ever knowing me?
“good afternoon, Florence” I greeted as i entered her boutique, “yes, how may i be of help to you?” Florence said. “don’t you remember me? I am Flowey” I said what i had earlier rehearsed. “yes i remember you, the guy i saw buying Akara at the Akara joint few weeks ago” She said.
I thought she said, “yes i remember you, the guy i saw stealing Akara at the Akara joint few weeks ago”, so i said, “i wasn’t stealing Akara oh, i was buying Akara”. “who said you stole Akara?” She said laughing. I laughed also and said, “i said that to make you laugh, that was on a lighter note”.
I had struck the Jugular. I had lighten up the atmosphere.
“so what are you here for?” She asked. “am here to introduce a lucrative business to you” I said, “you see, i am the marketing manager of a Jewellery marketing company here in Owerri, i came to show you some of our products for sale” I explained showing her the Jewelleries.
She was taking a look at the beautiful Jewelleries, and forgot she had opened her expressway. Her legs were wide open revealing her blue p’anties.
“so what is the name of your company?” She asked. I wasn’t paying attention to what she said, i was paying attention to her expressway. My d’ick stood wanting to zoom into her expressway.
“oboy see kpata oh” I said to myself.
“i said, what is the name of ur company?” She asked again. “Kpata” I responded without thinking straight. “the name of ur company is Kpata?” She inquired. “no, Kpatalico, Kpatalico is the name of my company” I said.
Kpata is Yoruba language means p’anties. What a name for a company? Kpatalico!!!
Kpatanla would had been better, because it means Mighty p’anties in Yoruba language.
“i want you to help me market some of these products in your boutique” I went straight to the point. “it depends on how much my percentage would be?” She said. “see ur mouth like percentage” I almost said.
We agreed at a percentage for her, and also a percentage for myself. As a “sharp” guy, i inflated the cost price of each brand of Jewellery, telling her that that was the company price.
I finally gave her about half of the Jewelleries i brought saying, “lemme go back to Kpatalico to get more Jewelleries”. “ok, its nice doing business with you” She said as she shook hands with me. As she shook my hand, i saw that her eyes went straight to my blood sU-Cking shoes. Vampire shoes.
I left her boutique happily. I also concluded to head straight to a Male boutique to get myself a pair of shoes.
Because appearance matters, especially since i had automatically turned Marketing Manager of Two companies. Tupaco and Kpatalico.
“oboy how far na?” I greeted Man who i saw on my way to the Boutique. “where you dey go na?” Man asked me. “Follow me na, when we reach there you go know” I answered.
“you dey sell so?” I asked Man. “guy na only two necklace i don sell since we start this business oh” Man said with a frown. “how you go do am na? and Tupac say na next tomorrow him go go market, and him go like make we give am the money of the one wey we don sell” I said. “i go give am the money of the one wey i don sell na” Man said.
As we walked ahead, we say Brainbox, “Brainbox!! Brainbox!!” I called. Immediately the Ladies walking behind us heard me shouting Brainbox, they started Laughing. “why are u Ladies laughing?” i asked. “what kind of name is that?” One of them said. “its a Chinese name” I replied.
Truely, Brainbox really looked Chinese except for his Oblong head.
“how your market na?” I asked Brainbox as he came close. “oboy i don sell well well oh, i enter one female hostel, guy the girls for there just dey rush me, sotey some of them no even know when them begin touch my p’rick” Brainbox said.
“so as them dey touch ur p’rick, wetin you com do?” I inquired. “guy i no do anything oh, u know say na business i com for na, i no com for play” Brainbox replied. “you sure?” Man queried, “i sure na, but only say my p’rick stand small” Brainbox replied and we laughed.
As we entered the boutique, we met this hefty hunk, “Chiarman we wan buy shoe” I said. “whick kin shoe be that?” He asked. “choose any one you like here” he gestured.
I saw a fine shoe that was written “Kedu” “made in Italy”. The kedu sounded like an Italian name, so i asked for the price and paid.
After i had paid, it instantly dawned on me that there was a place called Aba. Spiritually, i saw “made in Italy” changed to “made in Aba”.
Spiritually also, i interpreted “Kedu” as “How are you” in Ibo Language.
I had played the sU-Cker. The shoe was made in the Federal Republic of Aba. It was even given an Ibo name. KEDU.
“e be like say me sef go buy shoe oh, i no get shoe, since that day wey those MOPO come pack all our shoe, na Tupac shoe i just dey wear since” Brainbox said.
He too picked a fine shoe.
When i saw the name of the Shoe he picked, i realized my case was far better than his.
The name of the shoe he picked was Abania and it was made in Abania.
As we waited for change after paying, I saw from the corner of my eyes that Brainbox was admiring the beautiful wrist watches on display.
I heard Man cajoling the Boutique owner to help him market his jewelleries.
Before i could say Jack Robinson, the Boutique owner agreed to help him market the Jewelleries.
From the corner of my eyes, i saw something went into Brainbox’s mouth.
Suddenly, “hmmmmmmm, moke weeeeh deeeey go” Brainbox tapped me and said what i could hardly hear.
I used my Brain to figure that Brainbox wanted us to go home, so i rushed to collect our change.
As Brainbox continued gesturing for us to leave, i was pondering why he was so much in a haste to leave. Not until i saw how his cheeks bulged.
That was when i realized a wrist watch was in his mouth.