Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 31

6 years ago

“Flow i go like join this una business oh” Baba jay said as we sat in a bar drinking one evening. “you go fit do dis kin business?” Man queried. “i go fit do am na” Baba jay assured.

I was imagining Baba jay selling necklace to a customer and suddenly Epilepsy attack struck. The customer would either run, ran or raned. Or all of the above.

After we had taken 4bottles each, some of us still took one for the road.

As we staggered home, our discussions were mainly r’ubbish. Some were building castle in the air of how they would be the richest man in Nigeria come what may, while others were building castle on land without foundation of how they would be the Nigerian Snoop Dogg.

“guys i go be the best musician for Nigeria, check me out, Snoop Black for life” Snoop said. “Snoop Black nahim be ur stage name?” Tupac asked. “yes na, na correct name na” Snoop replied.

“guys make we chop ABC this night na” Man suggested. “so only four bottles of Gulder wey you drink nahim make u wan mad, dem dey chop ABC?” Brainbox said. “no mind am, him no know ABC when him dey Nursery school nahim make him wan chop ABC now wey him don grow” I said.

“una no understand wetin ABC mean? ABC mean Akara, Bread and Coke” Snoop explained.

Akara, Bread and Coke. A perfect blend indeed.

“ok i go pay for the Akara” I volunteered. “me go pay for the Bread” Tupac volunteered. “i go pay for the Coke” Brainbox volunteered.

I was sure the A and B would come, but i wasn’t sure the C would complete the alphabetical meal. Because, Brainbox would not possibly pay for Seven bottles of Coca Cola. Unless his name wasn’t Brainbox but Doolina.

We bought the Akara and Bread from Mama Chigbo, not by L107, but Legally.

As we headed straight to Nkiru’s shop to buy or rather L107 the Coke, my liver was turning Lily gradually.

I walked in Front boldly. Inspired by Five bottles of Udeme.

“Nkiru how market?” Brainbox said “as i take fine naso my market fine” Nkiru answered. “who dey decieve you say you fine? Your face wey be like s’hit wey dem fire catapult” I almost said.

Meanwhile, Tupac was loudly playing “Califonia Love” by Tupac Amaru Shakur on his phone.

“you be fine woman na” Baba jay who was dancing to the music said.

“make i help you hold this ur fine pekin” I offered. As she handed her baby to me, i closed my eyes praying to God for the Baby not to infect me with u’gliness.

“make we dance na” Baba jay said grabbing Nkiru. I couldn’t tell the kind of dance Baba jay and Nkiru were dancing, if it was Salsa or Atilogu. We all cheered their funny dance step. Not we all, Brainbox was cheering something else. Mischief.
I felt something cold slid into my pocket. I looked and saw that it was a bottle of Coca cola.

Brainbox was at it again.

I watched keenly as he slid a bottle each into everybody’s pocket, except for Bigie that he slid Four bottles because his trousers had so many pockets.

Baba jay continued dancing with Nkiru without thinking of the consequencies of his action. Maybe it wasn’t him dancing, but the Star beer he drank.

The Boss suddenly came from nowhere. Haruna the Boss.

“walahi talai!! I don die today” He yelled. He never meant he was dead, he meant Baba jay was dead. “I” in Hausa intonation was mostly replaced by “You” and vice versa.

As he grabbed Baba jay by his shirt firmly, i prayed for Baba jay. My prayer was for his punishment to be mild.

“I dey dance with my wife ba? I dey mad?” Haruna thundered. “your own don finish today” Haruna threatened.

The next sound i heard was, “gbooooooaaaaaaaa!!” Haruna smashed a bottle on Baba jay’s head.

I turned to see that the other guys had disappeared. They ran with the speed of light because they knew what Haruna was capable of.

Why i couldn’t run was because of the baby or rather monkey i held.

“Nkiru abeg take dis ur monkey” i couldn’t caution my mouth not to say that.

As i handed over the Monkey to her Ape mother, i saw that the Bottle Haruna smashed on Baba jay’s head created little or no injury to his head.

Maybe it was because his head was as hard as rock.

“abeg sir, abeg oga Haruna, na play i just dey play with ur wife” i heard Baba jay pleading as i ran.

Or rather, I raned.
One afternoon.

Snoop, Tupac and Bigie were gambling in our room.

I, Man and Brainbox were taking account of our sales, as well as counting the Jewelleries left with us.

Tega was surfing the internet with his laptop.

Pkc and Baba jay were in church.

We sat peacefully minding our business “jejely”.

Tega was gisting us of how the wind fell last year on his business.

His business was “yahoo-yahoo”. What he never knew was that he would bring us all a wind fall in a negative way that afternoon.

Suddenly i heard a car zoomed into the compound. I concluded it could be Papa Ejima, maybe he just returned from work. If it was him, then he came back early.

Within few seconds, i heard a knock at the door. I concluded it could be Baba jay, Maybe Papa Ejima gave him a lift, because our church was close to Papa Ejima’s Place of work or rather place of business.

“Baba jay you be Mumu oh, why you go dey knock for your own door? Abi you drink? enter house na” I yelled.

It wasn’t Baba jay that entered but “Baba dem”.

Baba dem a.k.a Ekelebe if you are from Warri, a.k.a Olokpa if you are Yoruba, a.k.a Ndi uwe ojii if you are Ibo, a.k.a Sanko if you are from South-South. If you don’t understand these names, then you are not Nigerian.

I saw Three Policemen entered the room, not forcefully but silently because the door was partially open. Two of the Policemen were with guns. Hunter guns.

Since i was closer to door, i quickly hid my Jewelleries. The others continued with what they were doing, because they never noticed the Policemen.

“so you are gambling!!” yelled a policeman bringing everyone to pause mode. “you even deal on fake Gold” one of the Policemen noticed. “to crown it all up, you are a yahoo-yahoo boy” Another Polieman said looking at Tega’s Laptop screen.

“no Officer, we no dey gambling, we are dey play card” Tupac spoke Pidgin English garnished with English Language. “no oh Officer, no be Gold be this oh, na GL” Brainbox cried.

“who is Tega here?” One of the Policemen asked.

The “Tega” the Policeman said sounded like “Tiger” to me. “go Zoo, you go see Tiger” I almost said.

The room was silent for some seconds. “i said who is Tega?” the Policeman thundered.

“he is Tega” Tega suddenly said pointing at me.

“who be Tega?” I queried.

“Officer na him be Tega oh” Tega pointed at me again.

Before i could alter a word, one of the Policemen landed me a hot slap that my head went round and round like a Mary go round.

“you be Tega and you no wan talk abi!!” the Policeman thundered.
“i no be Tega oh, my name na Ugochukwu” I cried.

In such situation, the name Flow was bad luck, so it was better i said Ugochukwu. So that “Chukwu” would come to my aid.

“shut up!!” Another Policeman yelled. “infact all of una dey under arrest” He said. “oya make una move!!” One of them yelled.

What marvelled me was how the other guys kept mute, and why they couldn’t defend me that i wasn’t Tega.

I tried moving, but my both legs failed me.

“you no go move abi!” one of them yelled at me stricking his hunter gun on my a”ss.

That made me fart uncontrollably.

“so you dey mess abi? I go shot that your nyash wey you take mess” He pointed the gun towards my a”sshole.

“Officer abeg no vex, na mistake, i no go mess again” I pleaded.

“move jor!” He ordered.

“i go move Office, i go move” I tried moving.

“move jor!” He pointed his gun at my neck. The gun pointed at my neck acted as a remote control that made me moved.

I noticed i wasn’t walking normally, i was walking as if i had bow legs. “so you get bow leg?” The Policeman yelled.

“yes Officer!” I answered and i heard Brainbox giggled in front.

As we got outside, i saw that the vehicle i initially heard drove in was a Police van.

As i came close to the van, i saw a Female Officer seated in front smiling. She looked familiar.

Oh my world!! She was Officer Bimpe. The O”femmanu Officer.

It instantly dawned on me why the Policemen asked for Tega.

But i wasn’t Tega. Why me? “i go kill Tega” I promised.
“Flow follow me make i go that boutique wey i drop my necklace go see how much dem don sell” Man said to me one cool morning. “ok make we go” I replied. “i go follow una oh” Brainbox said.

As we walked to the boutique, i was reminiscing with Nostalgia the fun memories of Kponkponization Ab initio, so i said,
“guy i miss Kponkpon oh, i miss rice and beans oh, my miss sugar baby and choping of biscuit oh”. “me sef oh” Brainbox said. “i phone Madam Ifeoma yesterday, she say na next two weeks we go start work again” Man informed.

We got to the boutique to meet a u’gly scene, the boutique was scanty, i initially thought we were in the wrong boutique. “wetin happen here?” Man asked the hefty guy we saw the other day.

With a gloomy face, the hefty guy said, “guy them rob us last night oh, dem break door com pack almost everything we dey boutique oh”. “hope say dem no carry my necklace?” Man asked the obvious.

“them carry am oh” the hefty guy replied with both hands on the back of his head. “i don die oh!!! Necklace wey reach 20k, i don Kpemeh oh” Man screemed.

Kpemeh is not French, it is a pidgin English slang for Die.

Man wept.

“guy, no worry i get one idea wey you go take recover your money back” I said as we walked home. “wetin be the idea?” Man asked with tears clouding his eyes.

“shebi your necklace still remain small for house?” i asked. “yes e remain but na small” Man said. “run go house go bring am, e get where i go carry you go” I said. “where be that?” He asked. “when we reach there you go know” I answered.

As I and Brainbox waited for Man to go bring the Jewelleries, all of a sudden, an Ikebe super Lady came catwalking passed us, “nne imara mma” I complimented and she couldn’t even say thank you. “eeh pretty! I have a gift for you” Brainbox said and immediately she heard “gift”, she stopped abruptly.

“Nne imara mma” is not Swahili but Ibo, and it means “you are Beautifully beautiful”. (na everything i go translate for una?).

As Brainbox was showing her his glowing Jewelleries, i was looking at her glowing Ikebe with my mouth ajar, despite the fact that where i stood was dirty and flies flew around.

When i said “Nne imara mma”, i never meant she was beautiful facially, but i meant she was beautiful “Ikebely”. Facially, she was nothing to write home about, Manchesterly, she was an eyesore. But Ikebely, she was “Caterpillar”, even surpassed Madam Ifeoma’s Television shaped Ikebe.

That goes a long way to explain the saying; “you can’t have it all”.

My mouth was still ajar when i heard Man coming. “Man you don come” I said.

As i said that, i felt something in my mouth with my tongue. Initially, it tasted sweet, but as i savoured further, it began to taste salty. “wetin dey my mouth na” I asked myself.
As i savoured even further, it tasted like blood. That was when it dawned on me that my bad breath had commited murder.

I had murdered two flies.

Maybe my bad breath weaken their wings that the couldn’t fly away, so they died in my mouth. Or maybe not.

If there is one thing i hate so much right from when i was born till this moment am typing this, that thing is not brushing my teeth before leaving home.

I so hate the stench someone’s bad breath sends to my nose when conversing that i could even give the person a dirty slap, no matter who the person is, even if he/she is the president of Nigeria.

It is better you fart in my mouth than for you to converse with me having bad breath.

Infact, i hated bad breath with a passion that it always caused misunderstanding between I and My room mate in school back then. The guy saw brushing his teeth as an herculean task. He could go as far as two weeks without brushing, still all his Department b’abes were head over heels in Love with him.

Maybe his bad breath was his goodluck charm. So i tot.

Irritated, I quickly spat out the two flies.

And successively spat saliva. Saliva that could fill two buckets.

“Flow why you dey pour spit like this na” Man asked. “him get belle” Brainbox who just came said. “ehnnnnnn, i get belle, na your papa give me the belle” I said and Man laughed.

As we walked to where i promised Man i would take him to, something in me kept assuring me Man’s sorrow would soon be over.

Don’t ask me where we were walking to, because my answer would be, “when we reach there you go know”.

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Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 32

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