“Tupac so this kin business you dey do, nahim u no tell us since” Man said as we sat in Tupac’s Room, “nahim i dey do oh, u know say no be everybody dey sabi dis kin bussiness na, nahim make me no tell una” Tupac said, “guy na me be Flow, e no get any job wey i no go fit do, i no be Doolina na” I said.
“guys dis business make sense oh, if u buy on necklace for like 500naira, u go sell am for like 1200naira, but na if you fit yan wella make people buy” Tupac added. “guy i don tell you say we no be Doolina, we go fit do am” I said.
Doolina was a slang we said back then in school to reffer to a Dullard. If someone was a dullard, we would say the person was not a Chelsea Fc fan or a Manchester united fan but a Doolina Fc fan.
“make una no worry if i go Onitsha go buy more market, i go introduce una to the business” Tupac informed.
We left Tupac’s room to meet Tega drinking Dry gin in our room. He and Baba jay were very high, i could tell. High on 501.
Legend has it that dry gin reduces one’s lifespan and makes one looks older than his/her age. But in Tega’s case, the reverse was the case, he was growing younger with every passing day. And more handsome also.
“guy you just drink Tramadol and you wan still drink dry gin, e be like say you no like ur heart?” I told Man who was already gulping the dry gin as if it was ordinary water. “guy bone dat thing, you no know say na the dry gin go make the Tramadol work well” Man said.
Before i knew it, all my friends were drinking the dry gin. i was really tempted to take a sip. just a sip.
30minutes later, they were on their second bottle, “make i just follow una drink small na” I said and joined them.
Small soon turned Big, Big soon turned Bigger, Bigger soon turned Biggest, I was soon drinking with the Biggest cup.
What i never knew was that, inasmuch as we would all run mad, i would be the Biggest mad man.
“So u dey smoke Cigar?” Brainbox suddenly said as we continued drinking.
I initially thought he was reffering to me, because alcohol could cause one to create imaginary things. “u see cigar for my hand, abi dis 501 wey u dey drink dey make u see double?” I said to him.
He wasn’t reffering to me, he was reffering to Tega who just lit a stick of Cigarette. Dor chester to be precise.
“so Tega you dey smoke Cigar?” Man said, “ehen, na bad thing?” Tega replied. “i no like cigar, Igboh better pass cigar” Snoop stated. “na lie, Cigar better pass Igboh” Tega argued. So began a debate.
A debate inspired by dry gin.
Tega was the Chief speaker opposing the motion that said; “cigarette is more dangerous to the health than igboh”, Baba jay was his supporting speaker.
Man was the Chief speaker supporting the motion that said; “cigarette is more dangerous to the health than igboh”, I was his supporting speaker.
Since Brainbox wasn’t a smoker of neither cigarette nor Igboh, he was the Moderator.
“if Igboh no better pass cigar why dem com dey write say cigar smokers go die young for the body of cigar” Man gave a good point.
“The Federal ministry of health warns that smokers are liable to die young” was the Cliche written in every pack of Cigerette to warn smokers of the dangers of smoking cigerette.
Suddenly a fart that sounded like a drum beat came out of my a”sshole.
“u no see am? naso people wey dey smoke Igboh dey do, them no dey get sense, their sense dey dey for their nyash” Tega pointed out.
“u dey mad, make i no mess? abi u no dey mess?” I said.
My fart smelt uniquely, it smelt more like air freshener.
Or was it the dry gin we were drinking that beautified our sense of smell? because my fart had never smelt that nice all my life.
“but na true oh, Igboh smokers their brain no dey correct, but cigar smokers na correct people” Baba jay the supporting speaker said. “na ur papa no get correct brain” Snoop attacked. “no curse my papa oh, no curse my papa oh” Baba jay warned.
What baffled me wasn’t because Snoop insulted Baba jay’s father, but how Baba jay who wasn’t a smoker of Cigarette supported cigarette smoking. Or was he a secret smoker? Even if he was, like they say; “there is nothing new under the sun”.
“make i no lie for una oh, i dey taste Igboh sometimes, but no be everytime oh” Tega gave up the debate.
We won the debate. We the debaters from Igboh Secondary School, Nekede, Owerri.
Tega said the fact. because, Statistics has it that 65% of Cigarette smokers usually ends up as Igboh smokers due to their urge to get more “highness”.
“guys, i wan yan una something oh” Tega suddenly said. “wetin be the thing na” I inquired, “those things wey i bring come house wey all of us chop that morning ehnnnn” Tega added. “ehenn, wetin do the things, poison dey am?” Brainbox asked a f’oolish question.
“no, na that Officer Bimpe na she give me” Tega said, “why she give u na, u do work for her?” Snoop asked.
“ehnnn, i do work for her na, i do work for her on top bed” Tega replied.
I instantly understood what Tega was driving at. He had started eating Kpormor, not Ibo Kpormor, but the Kpormor in between Officer Bimpe’s Leg.
Even though i was drunk, i was still able to comprehend what Tega meant. But the ever Dull or rather Dollina Baba jay couldn’t comprehend what Tega meant, so he asked, “which kin work you dey do for her on top bed? shey u dey help her arrange her bedsheet?”.
We came back from work early the next day, so we decided to go work out.
“Floooooooow uuuuuuuuu get muscle oh” Tony complimented my well crafted bicets and triceps, “no be today thing na” I said.
Truely, I had been working out for long, i had been working out since i was as young as 12. Born in a military Barracks where you could find a gym in every nooks and crannies was as authomatic ticket to bacome a weightlifter, if you so wish.
“Flow how far?” someone suddenly called me afar. I turned to see it was Nas.
Nas was a guy in my deparment who had spill over like me. His Birth name was Nosike, but he changed it to a more t’ush name Nas. Nas was the opposite of the American rapper Nas. He was a shadow of the rapper in terms of looks, he was as u’gly as his bass voice. Nas was very U’gly was a known fact, but he wasn’t U’gly at heart because he had been helping me with atttendance and assignments in the first semester course i was spilling over. He too had carry over not in just two courses like me, but in so many courses. Infact he had a Trailer load of carry overs. One thing that Baffled me was that Nas was very Brilliant back then, but he still bagged home carry overs every semester.
“guy Exam na next week oh” Nas informed me. The information brought cold sweat out of my body because i couldn’t recall the last time i opened a book to read, not to talk of a Physics book. “mehn, nawa oh, how we go do am na? na ur side i dey oh?” I said. “guy me no sabi Quantum Mechnics oh” Nas replied, “guy na Mgbo we go do for the Quantum mechanics exam oh” I concluded.
Quantum mechanics is a Branch of Physics that is as hard as building a castle in the air. It is written mostly in signs. Signs that i couldn’t tell if they originated from French, Spanish, Chinese, Swahili, Yoruba, Ibo, or Hausa. I hated the course with so much passion, maybe that was why i failed it. Or maybe not.
Mgbo was a slang we said back then in school to reffer to micro chips. Micro chips are tiny sheet of papers that contained tiny written cheats taken into the exam hall, not only as a cheat but also as a reminded. Some people preffered calling it Mgbo reminder, while some others preffered calling it Expo. Expo is the National recognised name for Examination malpractice. So if i called it Expo, i would be understood all over the Cardinal points of Nigeria.
“guy i just say make i come tell u say Exam go start Next week, and Phy411 na Next week Tuesday” Nas said. “ok, you don do well, i go read na, if i no fit read, i go carry Mgbo enter the Exam” i said to Nas as i walked him out of Tony’s Compound.
Although i wasn’t a Doolina when i was in School, i was averagely sound academically or rather “physicsically”, Mgbo was not only my reminder but my helper in the exam hall.
“make we enter Paapa place go smoke na” Man suggested as we were returning from work the next day. “make una dey go make i go house to baf” Brainbox said and left us.
We got to Paapa’s place to meet Tupac and Bigie.
“how far, una just dey come from work?” They both shook hands with us. “yes oh, we say make we reach here na, e don tay” Man said and we sat down.
Smoke your pains away, people often said. I had a pain waiting ahead, that pain was Quantun Mechnics. Such a pain couldn’t just fly with the flames even if i smoked 50 jumbo wraps.
“guy u go fit stop to dey smoke igboh so?” Tupac asked Bigie, “i no go fit oh, i like igboh well well” Bigie replied. “guy, me i go soon stop Igboh oh, Igboh no get gain, i no say e no go tay before i go stop am” I said, “abeg bone that thing jor, once a smoker, always a smoker” Man said.
He was right, “once a smoker, always a smoker”. Only if that smoker is unrepentant.
I believe in one thing in Life; a bad habit you started yourself, no one on earth would successfully help you stop it but yourself. And when the time is ripe for you to stop, no Jupiter could hinder you from stopping.
In my case, my time was almost ripe, i could tell. I knew i wouldn’t spend more than 2years in Igboh Secondary School before i graduate.
“make we buy small Igboh wey we go put for the Spagetti and Beans wey Baba jay say him go cook dis night” Man suggested. “no wahala, buy like 500naira own na” I said offering Man 200naira.
As we left Paapa’s place, Tupac said, “guys, una don hear this Tupac song, the name na Keep ya head up”. “we never hear am oh” Man answered. Tupac started playing the song on his phone.
Suddenly Bigie said, “abeg wetin Tupac dey sing, Tupac na r’ubbish musician jor”. “i don hear, Bigie wey no get mind, shey him fit collect 5 bullets for him chest and still survive?” Tupac said. So began a roof raising argument.
Inasmuch as my friends Tupac and Bigie took the names after the late American rappers, they were also die hard fans of the rappers. They mastered the lyrics of every of their songs, they behaved like them, they dressed like them, infact they practically worshiped them as they had two Big wallpapers of Lesane Paris Crooks a.k.a Tupac Amaru Shakur and Christopher Wallace a.k.a Bigie Smalls hung on their wall.
One thing that baffled me about these two guys were their countless Verbal attacks on each other just because of their mini-gods; Tupac and Bigie. Their arguments were mainly; who sang better between the two late rappers?
If i was to say, Tupac was a better rapper than Bigie. Tupac was more hard knocks than Bigie. I loved Tupac’s songs than the songs of Bigie. But just that Igboh a.k.a m’arijuana was part of what ruined their promising singing careers.
Legend has it that when Igboh is eaten along with any food, it could be very medicinal.
Medicinal, and also it could do wonders to non smokers, it could ruin their careers/ministries.
But in Pkc’s case, it was his ministry. Spagetti and Beans garnished with Igboh almost ruined his ministry.
“Man go put the Igboh for the food before e go done” I whispered to Man as we entered the room.
It was a full house, Pkc was around. He was studying the word of God.
Spagetti and Beans was the Menu.
Spagetti and Beans!! What a combination. When it was Baba jay’s turn to cook, we were sure of such combinations as; Rice and Bread, Noodles and soup, Yam and Rice, and Spagetti and Beans.
Man returned from the kitchen with a smile, that meant he had added the whole 500naira Igboh to the food. “wetin you go do for kitchen? Hope say u no go chop small of the food?” Baba jay said to Man. “no, i go drink water” Man replied.
It was time. Time to eat. Time for highness.
Legend has it that Igboh in a food adds sweetness.
“guy dis food sweet oh” Snoop said. “yeah, its very Delicious” Pkc said. At that moment, i felt remorseful for the evil I and Man had done, not to every other person, but to Pkc. The beloved Pkc.
As we continued eating, Man lit a candle to light up the dark room. Brainbox instantly shouted, “up NEPA!!”. We laughed an unending laugh. The Igboh in the food had started telling on him, because only such could make one call candle light electricity supply.
As usual, Pkc was eating alone, while the rest of us ate in twos.
I and Tega was eating from the same plate, when all of a sudden, he said, “Flow pepper plenty for this food oh”. “na Igboh dey pepper you, no be pepper” I almost said.
Drama was unfolding gradually.
From the corner of my eyes i saw Pkc took off his singlet, and said, “dis place is hot”. “e no hot, na Igboh make am hot for you” I almost said. Hot indeed. Hot when the night was cold.
A cloud of Dizziness clouded the room.
Baba jay was first to fall asleep, followed by Tega.
Next was Mr Brain, I guessed his brain wasn’t strong enough to go any further.
It seemed the Igboh Man added to the food was much. 500naira Igboh was like 1000naira Igboh.
Pkc was still eating. Eating, smiling and at the same time studying the Bible.
I was about taking my last spoon, when i saw Pkc removed his boxers and stood up. He was totally n”aked.
I initially tot he wanted to go take his bath.
But he wasn’t walking towards the bathroom, he was walking towards the door.
“make him go baf outside na, wetin concern me” I told myself.
Not until he said, “let me go and preach the gospel to people, i want to tell them the n”aked truth”.
“Flow make una come make we hold am oh, him don dey run mad oh” Man yelled as he clung to Pkc.
“make una bring water oh, bring water make we pour for him head” Man yelled.
Snoop joined Man to firmly hold Pkc while i ran to the bathroom to get water.
I wasn’t thinking straight, so i grabbed the nearest bucket i saw in the bathroom. And i hurried out without looking at the content of the bucket.
I splashed the content of the bucket on not only Pkc, but Man and Snoop also
Yes, the content of the bucket was water. Bad water and Boxers.
It was the same bucket Baba jay soaked his boxers on. His old rugged boxers.
The water was very dirty wasn’t what made me laughed.
What made me laughed was how three boxers hung on their heads.
They were crowned Kings. Crown with boxers. Pkc looked more like Oba of Benin with a brown boxers on his head. Man looked more like Oba of Lagos with a yellowish white boxers on his head. Snoop looked more like Sultan of Sokoto with a Blue torn boxers on his head.