The skies cried heavily on us the next morning. From morning up until about 5pm.
So no Kpokponism. We stayed indoors chating. Chating with a friend, the bottle of dry gin Tega brought the previous night.
“guy A square go make sense for dis cold weather oh” Man said.
“wetin be A square?” i asked. I tot he would respond his usually way.
“A square na Akara and Akamu” He replied.
“e go make sense na, make we go buy am, take money, buy plenty oh” Tega offered Brainbox 1k. He offered Brainbox clean 1k. Tega’s life style had changed lately, he was beginning to live Large. I assured myself i would find out why.
I and someone hit the road to buy the A square. I and Brainbox of course. The perfect two.
“guy make ur head straight oh” Brainbox said as we walked out of the compound. “how my head go straight? My head round like ball na” I f’oolishly replied because i didn’t get his slangs. “i say make ur head straight oh, na L102 we dey so oh” He informed.
Brainbox!! Always up to mischief. We were on an L102 mission and my “looting brain” had gone with the dry gin i drank.
That wasn’t the problem, the problem was that the person we were to cheat with L102 was very Observant and sharp.
By name Mama Chigbo.
“Tupac where you dey come from with bag?” I saw Tupac, “i go do my business na” Tupac replied and we shook hands. “wetin be ur business sef?” Brainbox inquired. “my business na GL and CC, I dey market GL and CC” Tupac replied. “wetin be GL and CC?” Brainbox asked.
I interpreted in my mind that GL and CC could be a code name for “Groundnut league” and “Concentrated corn”. Maybe Tupac was a marketer of gùgúru àti èpá.
In Yoruba language gùgúru àti èpà means Corn and Groundnut when fried together. “how fine boy like u go dey market guguru and epa? Abi u no well?” I almost said.
“GL and CC na type of necklace, if una come house i go show una, na dem full dis bag” Tupac said and left.
As I and Brainbox walked towards Mama Chigbo Akara joint, i wished we were walking one step forward and two steps backwards. because i was scared Mama Chigbo would get our L102 con.
Why would i be scared, when i was with the most dangerous con artist in the world. Brainbox!
“Mama Chigbo we wan buy Akara” Brainbox ordered as we got to Mama Chigbo’s joint. “Akara how much?” Mama Chigbo asked. “Akara 500naira” Brainbox replied.
“eeeeh! The Akara wey dey here no go reach 500naira oh, make una wait make i do more” Mama Chigbo said.
“ok we go wait, we fit taste am?” Brainbox asked wanting to take one Akara ball. “we no dey gree people taste here oh” Mama Chigbo bluntly said. “no wahala” Brainbox said and we sat on a bench waiting.
As we were seated, Brainbox began humming softly. I listened attentively to hear he was humming a song by the gospel singer Don Moen titled “God is Good”.
“dis one wey u dey sing God is good? Abi L102 no go happen again? Abi u dey fear?” I almost said.
“make una wait for me make i go house go bring beans wey i grind, e dey house, the one wey dey here don finish” Mama Chigbo said and she hurried to her house which was just a stone throw.
The coast was clear. War started. L102 war.
“Flow hold dis nylon” Brainbox gave me the nylon bag we came with.
As we were loading or rather looting the Akara into the nylon bag, a customer walked towards us. And we stopped abruptly, even before she came close.
The customer came closer and i saw that her face was familiar.
She was Florence.
Florence the boutique owner.
“i want to buy Akara?” She said.
“hello!! u remember me?” I said offering her my hand for a hanshake.
How f’oolish of me offering her a hand “flooded” with oil from the Akara we were stealing. She took a quick glimpse at my hand and smiled, refusing to stretch out her hand to join mine.
“yeah i remember you, you are……… Flowan” She said. “no Flowey” I replied. “who u dey form for, u remember my name jor, u just dey pretend, no be only Flowan, na Florida” I almost said.
We exchanged the usually pleasantaries and had a little chat. I told her why i haven’t called since the past one week was because my phone was stolen. And i took her number.
“where is Mama Chigbo?” She asked me. “ehnnn she went home to bring more grinded beans” I replied.
“what is ur friend doing close to the Akara basket?” She was reffering to Brainbox who was seated on the seat Mama Chigbo sat. “he is watching over the Akara, Mama Chigbo instructed him to do so” Lie number one.
“what of you, why is oil all over your hand?” She was beginning to be too inquisitive for my liking. “ehnnn, i was helping Mama Chigbo fry Akara before she left” Lie number two.
She fell for both lies.
About 2minutes later, she said, “i can’t wait for her any longer, i will come back later”.
And she left. I thanked my stars she never saw us stealing the Akara balls. She was only suspicious.
About 30minutes later, Mama Chigbo came.
Brainbox already hid the Akara we stole somewhere in the bush.
Mama Chigbo stared at her Akara basket with suspicion written all over her face because the Akara she met was about half of what she left, so she asked, “anybody come buy Akara as i comot?”. “nobody come oh” We chorused.
Yet she was still suspicious. I was praying for God to come save the day.
God of Looting, if there was any such God.
“Mama Chigbo, we no go fit wait again, give us all the Akara wey dey the basket make we dey go” Brainy Brainbox save the day.
She sold what was left of the Akara to us at 200naira, albeit reluctantly.
And we left.
Brainbox secretly went to the busy to collect the Akara he hid.
On our way home, i reminded Brainbox that we had forgotten to buy Akamu at Mama Chigbo’s place. He smiled and said, “Akamu dey here na, i thief Akamu join”.
Wow! I never saw him stole Akamu. Was he a magician also.
I was dazzled at Brainbox’s looting skills. He was Numero uno in looting. Such skills i had never seen in the past, and i was sure i would never see in the future.
Like he was humming earlier, “God is Good”. Of course, God is really good. The Looting God.
Next day, we were getting set for work, “Man, wetin we go work today sef?” Brainbox asked. “when we reach site you go know” I responded on Man’s behalf.
We got to Mama Calabar canteen. “Mama Calabar give me rice and beans, with two meat” Man ordered. “bring the same thing for me” I also ordered. “bring the same thing for me but no put meat, doctor say make i no dey chop meat” Brainbox the miser said.
Miser could be interpreted in pidgin English to mean “Money miss road”. True talk, any money that found its way to Brainbox wallet had really missed way.
“Mama Calabar, dis meat don spoil oh” Man complained as he munched the huge chunk of meat he was served. “na true oh” I said.
“e no spoil, naso Ibo Kpormor dey taste” Mama Calabar informed. A customer that sat close to me also complained.
Kpormor means Cow hide in English.
Legend has it that Kpormor has no nutritional value. Even at that, Kpormor was still my favourite, any time! any day! But what i had never tasted before was Ibo Kpormor. To the best of my knowledge, Kpormor was Yoruba by origin.
Was Mama Calabar the inventor of Ibo Kporkpor? Or was she just trying to cover up her lapses? Were the questions i asked myself as i continued chewing the spoilt meat or rather Ibo Kpormor.
What i never knew was that the Ibo Kpormor would bring disaster in vivo in the nearest future.
We left Mama Calabar canteen and we got to the site in no time.
Madam Ifeoma was already there, likewise Ochagbuorie and Igbakwambo.
The Jeans mini Skirt Madam Ifeoma wore could be named Kùsà dé bàrki.
In Hausa Language, Kùsà dé bàrki literary means Close to the mouth.
Madam Ifeoma’s Skirt was really close to the mouth. It was really close to her poolsize honey well. If Madam Ifeoma’s poolsize honey well were to be a mouth, then it was the widest mouth in planet earth, i must say.
She told us we would start casting the outside floor of the Filling Station to be. That was the most difficult Rice and beans work in the doctrine of Kponkpon.
She also told us that if we knew it would be very difficult for us to finish the casting within days, she could hire more labourers.
Man told her not to bother, that we would finish the work perfectly even if it took us several days or weeks.
Like the pidgin English adage goes: “chop alone and die alone”. We wanted to “chop” alone. My prayer was that we wouldn’t “die alone” mixing rice and beans that day.
The ratio was; One bag of cement is to Eleven head pans of sand is to Twelve head pans of huge gravel. My problem was neither the cement nor the sand, my problem was the gravel. They were mighty gravel.
Since the size of the gravel was bigger than the size of a conventional gravel, the price of mixing and pouring a bag was increased to 800naira. A handsome pay, if i must say.
We started work.
Man was mixing by my left, Brainbox was mixing by my right. Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie were to dress the work, that was the agreement.
I wished i drank Tea IN before the work started.
To finish mixing and pouring a bag was a herculean task. A serious task. A killing task.
An hour later, and i was still on my first bag, so were my friends.
Suddenly, I saw Man staring at Madam Ifeoma’s Television size a”ss. He was staring and at the same time mixing rice and beans. I too was staring but i wasn’t mixing.
All of a sudden, i felt something hite my left leg.
It was Man’s shovel. He had injured me.
“aaaaaaaah!!!” i cried.
Blood came gushing out of my leg forming a mighty ocean.
“aaaaaaaaaah! Man because u dey look big Ikebe, u don wound me” I cried.
It seemed Madam Ifeoma heard what i said.
What i said made Brainbox laughed, and surprisingly Madam Ifeoma laughed also.
On our way home, “Man make we enter Okada, dis my leg dey pain me” I cried bitterly.
Not only was my leg hurting, my stomach was running also.
“Flow i dey pulge oh, e get as my belle dey do me oh” Man complained. “me sef oh” I added. “how una belle no go do una anyhow, when una dey chop Ibo Kpormor una no know” Brainbox said.
“guy make we enter bush go sh’it na” I suggested. “but wetin we go use clean nyash na?” Man queried. “no worry we go use leaf” I assured.
I and Man walked, or rather I limped and Man walked into the bush while Brainbox stood at the roadside waiting for us. “make una do quick oh” Brainbox said.
Since the bush we entered was a bit far from our place of work, so it would be rare for anybody we knew to see us. Or so i tot.
Albeit, it wasn’t a thick but a shallow bush. Shallow that passers by would easily sight us from a distance.
But we cared not. Let them see, as far as we were doing ourselves the good of freeing ourselves of the troubles in vivo.
I got a spot to poo in no time. Since the poo was almost coming out of my a’nus, i quickly brought down my trousers and the watery poo came running down.
Running down like water from a tap. It was running down, and i cared not to know where it rested.
“mehn dis my s’hit dey smell no be small” I said. Man heard what i said from a distance and replied, “me sef oh, my own dey smell, Mama Calabar don finish us oh”.
My poo suddenly stopped coming out, so i pushed hard like a pregnant woman delivering, it came out, but it seemed it was dragging my Large intestine along.
Throughout the “exercise” i never thought it right to take a glimpse at the mountain that came out of my system.
Not until i was about standing up to leave.
I tried standing up, but something dragged me back.
I turned to meet an u’gly sight.
All the while, my trousers had been my toilet.
I had pood on my trousers.
Not an ordinary poo. But a “sky scrapper” poo.
Part of my poo on the floor formed a bungalow, while the rest on my trousers formed a sky scrapper.
“Man!! Man!!” i yelled at the top of my voice. “wetin na?” he responded.
“i don s’hit for my trouser eeh” I cried out.
“guy u go go house with only boxers be that oh” Man stated as he came to see the funny sight. Funny, yet he never laughed.
I was to go home with just boxers wasn’t the problem, the problem was that my boxers was torn.
“and me i no wear boxers here, i for give you, i no dey like wear boxers come do kponkpon” Man said.
We left the bush, leaving my designers jeans trouser and the sky scrapper poo.
“guy where ur trouser na?” Brainbox asked me as we came out. “guy i s’hit on top am, i don leave am there” I replied. Brainbox almost laughed his way into the express way.
“guy make we enter bike dey go house, i no want make anybody see me with this boxers oh” I said.
In no time, we waved at a bike and it stopped. Three of us were to enter just one bike. Man sat on the bike first, Brainbox was next.
And as i raised my right leg up to seat on the bike, my worst nightmare came to pass.
“braaaaaaaa!!” i initially tot it was the sound of my fart. Not until my d’ick came dangling out of a hole.
It was then i realized my boxers had turned a Skirt.