How we were able to heal Pkc of his near madness was God’s intervention. If not for God, how would the Garri and Palm oil we feed him had worked?
“guy which shoe person go wear go church sef” I said that morning as i was preparing for Church. “no wear my shoe oh” Tega warned. “no wear my shoe oh” Snoop also warned.
“guy make we go tell Tupac and Bigie make dem find us shoe” Man said to me. And we left to their room.
We came back with two pairs of u’gly, shabby, old shoes.
Man polished both shoes while i took my bath.
Soon we were off to church. Lucky enough, as we stood at the bus stop waiting for a bus, a church member of ours stopped and gave us a lift in his Armanda jeep. Mehn! I felt the journey to church should continue forever, because the car air conditioner gave me a heavenly pleasure.
Luck shone on me in church that day. Gabriella sat by my side. I wondered why she didn’t sing in Choir that Sunday. Maybe it was because she came late, or maybe she couldn’t make it to the Choir rehearsals, or both.
Just when i said i was glad i sat by the side of Angel Gabriella, a Demon came to seat by my right side. Baba jay the Demon of fart.
As the Preacher began the sermon, from time to time i turned left to stare at the beautiful face of Gabriella. From time to time i also turned to ask her for the Bible passages the Preacher said, just for me to admire her the more.
I dared not turned right to meet the u’gly face of Baba jay. His face was bad luck.
The church was as silent as a graveyard, as everybody listened keenly to the interesting sermon.
I was gladly listening to the interesting sermon when i heard a sound, “braaaaa braaaaaa prooooo!!”. I initially tot it was the drummer that hit the drum set.
“braaaaa braaaaaa braaaaaa!!” the sound broke the silence again. This time, Gabriella turned to me, i tot she was admiring me just the way i admired her, so i smiled.
I was on cloud nine. She was falling for me, so i tot.
She returned my smile with an eyeball. “wetin i do na?” I said to myself.
People seated around started staring at me. In their faces were written fury. “wetin i do una na” I said to myself.
Suddenly a stench started radiating around me. I initially tot i had mistakenly fart, not until i heard, “praaaa praaaaaaa proooooo!!” agian.
It instantly dawned on me that Baba jay had done his worse.
The Guiness book of record holder for best fart.
Gabriella and some other people that sat close to me had concluded it was no one else but me that gave out the fart, with the way they stared at me, and the way they placed their hands to cover their nose.
I also covered my nose with my hands so as not to arose any further suspicion. It was of no use because Gabriella already believed i did it. The look on her face was as if she should give me a dirty slap.
As she continued staring at me, i was pointing a finger at Baba jay indicating he did it and not me. But Gabriella still thought i did it.
As service ended, before i knew it, Gabriella dashed out of my sight as if i had a contagious disease. “i go kill Baba jay today” I said to myself.
I quickly turned right to see that Baba jay had fled.
I wept bitterly.
Just when i thought that was enough weeping for the day.
Weeping came to me like Bee to nectar.
As i took a step, i realised my right leg was lighter than my left leg. Maybe Baba jay’s fart had paralysed my right leg, or so i tot.
Not until i took another step with my right leg and it still persist. I practically limped. I quickly glanced at my right leg.
And i saw the problem wasn’t my leg but my shoes.
The sole of my right shoe had pulled out. I quickly turned and saw it on the floor close to the seat i sat.
That was a Sunday too many.
Next day was Monday.
I couldn’t imagine myself going to do Kponkpon when i had exam the next day.
“make una dey go, today i no go go because i get exam to write tomorrow, make i read by book small” I said to Man.
They left without me for the first time since we started the Kponkpon job.
At about 11am, i started reading or rather i started Mgboing. I tore paper into tiny pieces and i started writing the Mgbo in tiny hand writing.
“guy wetin you dey write like dis?” Baba jay asked me what i considered a s’tupid question. “omo, i register for Arabic school oh, na my Arabic assignment i dey do so” I gave him the best answer.
What i was writing really looked like Arabic combined with Latin.
Snoop laughed and said, “so Baba jay you no know the thing wey him dey write, so u wan tell me say u no write dis kin thing when you dey school?”. “i no write am oh, i know book na, why i go cheat?” Baba jay replied. “u no write am, u know book, nahim u no follow your mate go service ehnn” I said. “abeg make we hear word jor, na una wey dey do holy holy, na una dey bad pass” Snoop said.
True talk, those that put up the holier than thou attitude always did worse things.
I continued writing Mgbo for about 3hours.
Although, I wasn’t confortable writing on the floor, but what was i to do? We had no reading table, so i had to improvise.
I was really straining my neck, so i thought it right to rest a bit.
Soon I was off to Tupac’s room to continue watching the interesting American Movie we started watching the previous night. Before i left, I kept my Mgbo under the mattress for safety reasons.
There was power supply althrough, so i stayed long in Tupac’s room watching the movie.
Sleep came, and i fell asleep.
I woke up at about 7pm.
I hurriedly walked back to our room to meet a full house, except for Pkc. “how work today na?” I asked Brainbox. “work make sense oh, Madam Ifeoma even ask of you sef” Brainbox said. “why she dey ask of me na? Abi she want make i come wayah her?” I said to myself.
I noticed that Tega came home with his girlfriend Lydia, “whats up Flow?” Lydia greeted. “am fine” i gave her a cold response. “wetin make dis one dey ask me whats up? abi dis time na my p’rick she go touch? R’ubbish Akunakuna” I almost said.
Akunakuna is the Ibo interpretation of a H”arlot.
H”arlot was how best Lydia could be described.
I lit a candle and reached for my Mgbo under the mattress, in other to continue from where i stopped.
I couldn’t find it. It was gone.
“Baba jay u carry my Mgbo wey i keep under bed?” I queried Baba jay thinking he might try pulling a prank on me. “wetin be Mgbo?” He asked me. “Mgbo na ur Papa name” I answered him and continued searching for my Mgbo. “Mgbo nahim be that thing wey him dey write in the afternoon” Snoop told Baba jay. “no oh, i no carry am oh, u know say since that afternoon i go church, na now i just dey come back from church” Baba jay said.
Without my Mgbo, there was no way i could write Quantum Mechnics, even if i was Herbert Einstein himself.
I was shaking like a Jelly fish. I was mad. “una don kill me, na my hope be that Mgbo, wetin una want make i write, i don die eeeeeh!!” I cried out.
I was confused, as there was no way i would start writing afresh, i wouldn’t cover up. The Mgbo i had written was much. Very much.
“is it those tiny papers that something tiny was written on them?” Lydia asked. “yes, did you see them?” I queried her at the top of my voice.
“yes, i tot they were not important, so i swept them as i was sweeping the whole house” Lydia responded. Before she finished saying that, i had already dashed to where our dustbin was.
But the dustbin was empty.
“Lydia, e no dey here na” I thundered.
“yeah, i had thrown alway the content of the dustbin in the refuse dump, because the dustbin was full” She said.
“yeeeeeeh!! I don die eeeeeeh!! My Mgbo don swim go for Otammiri oh, Otammiri don carry my Mgbo go eeeeh!!” I cried.
Close to the bank of Otammiri river lied our refuse dump.
Sometimes sea breeze blew some of the refuse into the river. That was my fear.
“guy your Mgbo go still dey there, make we go look for am” Brainbox assured me as he put on the torch light.
“come go show us where you troway the dirty jor” I yelled at Lydia.
As Brainbox, Lydia and I walked, or rather i crawled towards the river, i was saying a prayer in my mind for us to find the Mgbo safe and sound.
If not, Doom would be my Surname in the Quantum Mechanics exam.
God forbid for me to spill over twice. God forbid.
Same old Imo State University. Or rather Imo Stress University.
As i walked into the School, all i was thinking was the stress i would go through writing an exam i had already written last year.
Imo State University! A not too beautiful school but with the most beautiful girls. The school hardly grows, same old buildings, except for a handful of new ones.
I came a bit late for the exam, due to the Traffic jam i experienced.
“Flow how far? Find stool sidon na” Nas who was already seated said. A fruitless search for a stool began.
I searched for a stool for about 10minutes, until i finally got one in the Chemistry Lab downstairs.
Stools were used in seating because that was the kind of seat meant for the Lab.
How i so hated writing exams in the Lab. I had no choice because majority of our exams were written in the Lab. The Lab was big enough to contain all the students in the department.
Big enough for a deadly spacing. 2 persons to 1 gigantic table that was as big as a table tennis board.
Since i found a stool late, i sat alone at the extreme, close to the window.
I wasn’t alone, someone sat quitely by my side. Mgbo.
This was the arrangement of my Mgbo: Tied to my right l’ap was a paper containing Four solved calculations, tied to my left l’ap was a paper containing Two well explained Laws and four solved calculatons, and tied to my stomach like an atomic bomb was a paper containing about five calculations. I wore a three-quater short for the Mgbo sake.
As luck would have it, answers to majority of the questions asked were in my Mgbo.
I observed to know if Prof Nwosu was watching, he wasn’t watching so i brought out the Mgbo on my right l’ap, and i started copying and pasting as fast as my hand could go, wishing i had more hands.
I was observing Prof Nwosu with an eye, and looking at what i was writing with the other eye, wishing i had more eyes.
More eyes was what i needed because the Invigilators were increasing in numbers.
Soon they were four in numbers. Four of them mounted tight surveillance. My Mgbo at that moment was under my answer sheet.
“you!! What are you chewing?” One of the Invigilators asked me, by name Mr Mike. “ehhnnnnn, Chewing gum” I replied him. “are you suppose to chew chewing gum in the exam hall?” He asked me. “sir, Chewing gum is my goodluck charm whenever i am in an exam” I told him, he smiled and said, “lets see how ur goodluck charm would help you pass the dreaded Quantum Mechnics”, “i think you are a spill over student?” Mr Mike asked. “yes sir” I replied. “even all the charms in India can’t stop you from failing this course, i assure you” Mr Mike said.
If Men were God!! How could Mr Mike tell tomorrow from today?
Chewing gum was indeed my goodluck charm in exams. It was most of the time my saviour.
1hour later and i had finished downloading the Mgbo on my both l’aps. And discarded them also.
I looked and saw that the coast was clear, so i carefully brought out the Mgbo or rather Atomic bomb i tied to my stomach. I placed it under my answer sheet and started to download it word for word.
I was happy i would be the first to finish writing the exam and submit as i was answering my last question. When all of a sudden someone yelled, “you behind!! Stand up!! So u are cheating”. It was Prof Nwosu himself.
As he walked towards me, i thought of what to do with the Mgbo under my answer sheet.
How my hand grabbed the Mgbo was a miracle. How my hand sq££zed the Mgbo to be as tiny as a chewing gum was also a miracle.
The Mgbo went straight into my mouth, thanks to my ever fast and active right hand. It went into my mouth as another make of chewing gum. So there were two makes of chewing gum in my mouth. The make of the first chewing gum was Sprint, what else would i had called the other chewing gum that just joined the Sprint than Mgbo chewing gum. A perfect name.
“where is that paper u were copying from?” Prof Nwosu thundered as he came to my table. “sir…….. I am not copying from any paper oh” I answered.
“what are you chewing? So u are chewing the paper you were copying from, bring it out” Prof Nwosu ordered. “sir, its chewing gum” I cried out letting out a silent fart. “i say bring it out!” He thundered.
I brought out not the Mgbo chewing gum but the Sprint Chewing gum.
“something is still in ur mouth, bring it out” Prof Nwosu yelled, making me fart loudly. Fart that i intially tot came out from the Prof’s a’nus.
I did the best thing to rescue the situation. I swallowed the Mgbo chewing gum, without thinking what it might do to my digestive system.
My goodluck charm saved me.
Next day, it was just Man, Brainbox and I that attended Rice and Beans lecture. Igbkwambo and Ochagbuorie couldn’t make it. Old soulja told us they called him on phone informing him they wouldn’t come to work because they were ill.
Illness was one of the negative results of mixing Rice and Beans. I prayed i wouldn’t fall ill soon.
Madam Ifeoma wore a moody face that day. I just couldn’t tell why. “why dis one dey vex? Abi na because i no come work for 2days? Abi na Koboko she want make i wayah her?” I said to myself.
Maybe she wasn’t in the mood for my Koboko, or was a bigger Koboko already satisfying her? I just had to wait for Time to answer my question.
We finished work tired. Very tired and weak.
“guy make we go drink for one bar, so we go get ourself” Man suggested as we walked home. “ok, which bar we go go?” I asked, already knowing what his answer would be. “na for one bar wey dey near Kalakuta Republic” Man replied such a question responsibly for the first time.. “eeeeeeeh!! I dey fear Kalakuta Republic oh” Brainbox said.
Kalakuta Republic was a hostel. The head quater of Igboh. I had never been there for once. But i had always had sad news of the Republic. A den for Thieves and Cultist.
Albeit, we weren’t heading to Kalakuta Republic precisely, but just coming close to the Republic was very risky. As the Police might show up anytime to comb the street to arrest both the truants and the Innocent.
“guy we go buy Tea wey we go put for our beer oh” Man suggested. “why we go drink beer and Tramadol?” I yelled. “ssshhh! No dey call am Tramadol, na Tea, u want make People dey think say we be drug addict?” Man whispered.
Drug addict was a perfect defination of each of us.
“u no know say if u put Tea inside ur beer, e go make ur body strong, and e go even make ur brain sharp” Man explained. I saw from the corner of my eyes that Brainbox was keenly paying attention to what Man said. “so my brain go sharp, and i go fit chop people for 419?” Brainbox asked Man. “yes na, if you dey drink am everyday, u go be the best 419 for Nigeria” Man assured him.
How f’oolish of Brainbox to think a drug could boost his brain power.
Even if a gun was put to my head, i was sure i wouldn’t drink Tea and Beer.
As we sat in the bar, Man dropped four tablets of Tea into his Gulder beer, Brainbox did the same. I just stared at the tablets dissolving in both bottles of beer.
As they both drank, i was 85% sure they would soon catch Seizure or Amnesia, or both.
About 1hour later, we were on our third and Final bottle.
When Brainbox suddenly removed his shirt, i initially tot he was feeling hot, not until he removed his trousers also.
Next, he pulled down his boxers half way.
While he did all these, i thought he only wanted to prank us.
Next thing i saw he started to poo on the floor. An irritating sight indeed.
He was pooing and smiling.
It instantly dawned on me that, “ara abiala oh” if you understand Ibo.
“were ni oh” if u understand Yoruba.
“Brainbox!! Stop this thing na” I yelled as i saw that other customers had started laughing. Laughing loudly even though they were irritated by the poo.
Suddenly Brainbox ran into a nearby bush putting on just boxers. Man ran after him.
“una must pack the s’hit oh” the bar owner shouted.
“my friend don Mad, u dey say make i pack s’hit” I responded and ran after Man.
As i ran out of the bar, i heard the bar owner shouting, “una never pay me oh”, “no worry, my grand Papa go pay you” I replied in my mind.