The next morning, after praise and worship Pkc said, “Man pray for us”.
Oh! Not again. Not Man again.
“Baba God, we praise ur name oh, na u be Chairman wey dey heaven, Baba God i wan tell u say u too much, nahim make me want make you send fire make e burn those Mumu wey come kill Chief. Baba i no wan ask you too much, i just want make u do dis ones wey i don ask……………. In Jesus name” Man prayed. “AMEN” we chorused.
“Flow we go reach site today oh, my mind dey tell me say work don start, u know say our phone no dey, maybe Madam Ifeoma don dey try our number” Man said that morning. “i go follow una go oh” Baba jay said suddenly. “Follow who? Abeg we no want person wey go die for our hand oh” I said.
As usual, after taking breakfast at Mama Calabar canteen, we walked slowly to the site.
We met Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie. “Man why una no come work yesterday?” Ochagbuorie asked, “work dey yesterday?” Brainbox asked. “work dey na, Madam Ifeoma even say she don dey try una number since but e no dey go” Igbakwambo said. “na those mumu thief wey come our house come thief our phone oh” Man said.
“but sha we no do too much work, na just the body work we do, we don do the body reach window and door lintel, carpenter don nak plywood for the lintel and him nak plywood for the pillar sef, Madam Ifeoma say today we go cast rice and beans pour for inside the plywood wey the carpenter nak” Ochagbuorie informed.
Madam Ifeoma came and we explained to her why we were absent from work the previous day.
As we headed for the changing room to change to our kponkpon clothes, we met Old solja, “how unu dey” He greeted, “Old solja we dey fine oh, how ur body?” I said, “my body dey strong oh, that na because i dey drink Ike Nwoke” Old solja said.
“wetin be Ike Nwoke?” Man asked, “nahim be dis thing wey dey dis bottle” Old Solja pointed at a big bottle containing a brownish liquid.
“dis Ike Nwoke na powerful drink oh, if unu dey drink am, unu go dey do unu work well well, and unu go fit do plenty bag of kpokpon, nahim i dey drink wey make me dey get power to do my security work for night” Old solja explained. “Old solja, u sure of dis thing wey u dey talk” Brainbox inquired, “i sure na, u no know say if i wan dey follow unu do kponkpon i fit follow unu do for dis my age, i be 75years but i get strenght pass unu” Old solja said.
True talk!! he never looked 75 to me, he looked more like 35. All thanks to Ike Nwoke.
Ike Nwoke in Ibo language means Man Power in English.
“Make unu try am, and unu go see as unu go work well well today” Old solja offered the container to Man.
Man stared at it for a moment, and collected a cup from Old solja and poured out half of the liquid into the cup, he drank it reluctantly, he passed it to Brainbox who drank little or nothing. From the look in their faces, i concluded the drink wasn’t bitter.
When it was my turn to drink, Old solja said, “Flowa drink all, i go go buy another one dis evening”. So i gulped down a cup. A full cup.
“even sef, na Ike Nwoke make all dis small small girls no gree me rest sef, because my thing strong like bamboo” Old solja said.
“why u no talk like that before i drink am, i for no drink am, i no want my thing to strong like bamboo, me wey i no get babe wey i go wayah with the bamboo” I almost said.
After we finished changing, Old solja said, “make unu go work, unu go work well well”.
Yes, i wanted to mix thousands of Rice and beans. But i never wanted a bamboo-like d’ick.
How i wished i could turn back the hands of time.
We started mixing Rice and Beans.
The Ike Nwoke drink i drank gave me excess strength. Within 30minutes i was on my second bag.
And within 1hour i was on my fourth bag. Even the Legendary Igbakwambo could not meet up my pace.
“Flow, dis one wey you and Man dey work well well, wetin una take?” Igbakwambo asked me. “na Tea we take oh” I responded, “which kin Tea una take today wey una never take before? We sef dey take Tea oh” Ochagbuorie said. “na Japanese Tea we take, the name of the Japanese Tea na Tea IN” Man said and i laughed.
I guess he meant Tramadol Ike Nwoke. A new code name for Old Solja’s Elixir. A code name that sure sounded Japanese.
I was on my Tenth bag within some hours, Man followed with Nine bags. Brainbox was progressing in a Snail pace with just Four bags. “u think say you wise? when we dey drink planty Ike Nwoke, u just drink only small, how you think say e go work” I almost said to Brainbox.
As i started my Eleventh bag, something started happening.
My volcano started erupting.
My third leg started growing.
It instantly dawned on me that the other side of Ike Nwoke or rather Tea IN had started manifesting.
My kpokpon trouser was torn in between the legs, so my John Thomas was growing so fast to reach the Big hole, maybe to catch photosynthesis, just maybe.
I changed my walking step because the number of legs i had were increased from two to three. Another leg had being created.
Suddenly, the third leg popped its u’gly head out through the big hole in my trouser.
“which kin wahala be dis na” i tot as i sent it back with my hand. It went in, after it was “painted” unknowingly with the cement in my hand.
I was glad nobody saw it popped out, not even the ever vigilant Madam Ifeoma. Or so i tot.
At that moment, I remembered the day i saw Old solja’s huge s’crotal sack, and his bamboo-like p”enis through his torn trouser. “no wonder Old solja p”rick big well well, na because of Ike Nwoke” i told myself.
If my d’ick was that huge, what about Man’s d’ick, how would it look like? Maybe it would look like a tree stem? Maybe. As i took a quick glimpse at what was in between Man’s leg, i was right, it looked like he was carrying a tree stem in between his leg. And he wore a look that seemed he was in pains, that the load was too much for him to carry.
I hurriedly finished the bag i started. And as i was walking to a shade to rest a bit, and also think of how to maybe tie my third leg to either the first or the second leg, Madam Ifeoma came close to me and whispered, “why don’t you put that thing to work, it is hungry and needs food, don’t keep me waiting”.
I understood what she meant. It was time for “Jangolova”.
My third leg sure needed food. But not a swimming pool-like food.
I was sure it would perform well this time and it wouldn’t swim in Madam Ifeoma’s extra large Honey well like the last time.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!! Nwayo Nwayo Nwayo!!” Madam Ifeoma m’oaned as loud as a bedside Alarm clock.
Nwayo means Gently in English.
Gently my foot!! How would i perform gently when my horse power was raised to power ten?
As i inserted my sledge hammer into her Honey pot for the kick off of round two, it was as if my sledge hammer had increased in height, it was as if her Honey pot gave my sledge hammer the required photosynthesis to grow. I felt it was touching either her heart or her liver, or both.
“aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!! Charankpasatgehe!!” She begane to speak in tongues. It was then i realized i was gradually killing someone’s Mum, so i reduced the level at which i inserted my sledge hammer, in other for it not to pluck out her heart.
“A lobourer in Nekede killed his Employer while having sex with her” would be what the tabloid would flash the next day as headline. “e no fit happen jor” i assured myself.
I rolled her over to resume Season three. And I instantly percieved that Old solja’s bed smelt not like s’kunk but like Urine. “abi dis old man dey piss for bed?” i asked myself.
“but why be say dis woman no dey smell the bad smell wey i dey smell? And why she like dis Old solja room well well? abi Old solja dey wayah her for dis room?” I was asking myself as she lay pliant in my arms.
Suddenly she moved her hand to caress my sledge hammer and said, “i like dis big thing, it reminds me of my late husband”. “wetin be dis one na? Why u dey compare my p’rick with the p’rick of person wey don die na?” i almost said.
“ur husband is dead?” I asked, “yeah, he died 10years ago, leaving me with three children, a boy and two girls” She said, and i could see cloud of tears in her eyes, so i concluded i wouldn’t ask further questions.
She stood up to dress up, and i lay watching her n”aked Television size Ikebe as it bounced as if it wanted to fall off. “Seventeen! Eighteen! Nineteen! Seventeen! Eighteen! Nineteen” I sang in my mind. But one thing i noticed was that, though she was a bit fair in complexion, her Ikebe was black, as black as charcoal, “wetin cause am na?” I asked myself.
As i stood up to get dressed also, i noticed something.
My sledge hammer had gone down. Even less than its normal size. I tot it wasn’t mine, maybe someone stole mine, or did it drown in Madam Ifeoma’s swimming pool? It was looking more like “Kuli Kuli”. “so naso Ike Nwoke dey work? If person don use him p’rick finish, the thing go com small” i tot.
It was looking so tiny, that i quickly wore my trousers in other for Madam Ifeoma not to see my Sledge hammer or rather Toy hammer and scream that she just made Love to a magician.
I got to the site and saw that Man had meet up with me, he was mixing his Eleventh bag.
As i was about to resume work, Old solja came close to me and whispered, “Flowa make u no work again, go rest, u no go get power to work as you don go do that thing”.
So many questions were running in my mind.
Questions like; How come Old solja knew i was f”ucking Madam Ifeoma? How come he offered me and my friends Ike Nwoke that morning? Why didn’t he Offer Ike Nwoke to Ochabuorie and Igbakwambo? Was Madam Ifeoma aware i drank Ike Nwoke earlier?
And last but not the least; Was Old solja F”ucking Madam Ifeoma?
If he was, then it only meant he wanted to die at 75.
Obele’s place was the place to be after a hectic work and a handsome pay.
“Obele how far?” Man greeted, “i dey oh, how una want am na?” Obele asked. “na our usual oh, Indomie and Egg, the egg go plenty oh” Man ordered.
“MAN United get match today oh, we get match with Everton” I said, “omoh that Match go make sence oh, shebi na by 7:45?” Brainbox asked, “yes na 7:45, guy we need to win that match so we go still remain for top of table oh” I said.
“Obele do the Indomie quick quick oh, before hungry go finish us here” Man yelled. “guys, how una see am, make we buy Zobo take nak dis indomie and egg na” Brainbox suggested, “na true oh, e go make sense oh, e go bring back our blood wey don comot for our body” I said, “ok, Flow take money go buy the Zobo come from that shop before Obele go finish to do the Indomie” Man offered me 500naira note.
Man was beginning to be too benevolent for confort.
Zobo is a reddish drink that is made from a plant. The plant is mostly grown in the Northern part of Nigeria.
As i walked down to get the Zobo drink, an idea dropped.
“shebi u know say dem no dey seal the Zobo container? try make u piss for Brainbox Zobo, shebi u know wetin him do you” my evil mind suggested.
It was pay back time.
But the problem was how i would pee into Brainbox’s Zobo without someone seeing me. And also how i would make sure Brainbox drank from the Zobo i peed into.
“Madam, where i go fit piss abeg? piss dey catch me well well” I asked the Zobo seller after she gave me the drinks, “go for the back of that shop, piss for there, na there people dey piss” She replied pointing at a shop. I paid her and left.
As i got there, i was glad nobody was urinating there, it was just me.
I quickly grabbed one of the Zobo container, opened it, drank out of it to reduce the content, then as i started to pee into the container, someone walked in. A chubby Man.
“Good morning sir” I greeted when it was Evening. The Man saw what i was doing and he stared at me in a strange way, maybe he tot i was mad.
“na doctor say make i piss for container come, say him wan do lab test” I said to the Chubby man with a smile. He strayed his eyes to the other two containers i kept on the floor, “those ones na dem my friends piss” I said without thinking.
Without thinking that, how on earth would our urine be as reddish as Zobo, unless of course we were Vampires. And how on earth would the pee of I and my friends fill half litre containers each, unless of course we were horses.
It seemed the Chubby man fell for my lies, because he didn’t mention a word until he left, or was he d’umb?
Legend has it that Zobo gives blood. Brainbox would sure get blood to the fullest. Zobo mixed with Urine? Maybe he would get Goat blood.
“Brainbox na ur own Zobo be dis” I stamped the mixture in front of Brainbox as he continued eating the Indomie and egg. “Man na ur own Zobo be dis” i gave Man his.
We were half way through the Indomie and egg when, “Flow u dey mad oh, u give Brainbox the Zobo wey cold abi?” Man said swapping his Zobo drink with Brainbox’s Urine/Zobo mixture, “Man all of them cold na” I said, “But Brainbox own cold pass jor” Man replied and opened it to drink.
Maybe the Urine in the Zobo drink made it more chilled. Maybe.
“Man!! No drink am, i piss inside” I almost shouted.
But it was too late, he already drank it.
“why the Zobo dey taste like dis na? E no sweat” Man complained wearing a poo face.
“why e go sweat, when u don drink piss, Mumu boy” I almost said.
“but my own sweat oh” Brainbox said.
I had hit the wrong target. Brainbox’s Guardian angels were really vigilant.
Maybe i would get better luck next time. Only if such opportunity comes again.