Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 21

5 years ago

“We were sleeping momentarily and joyously, when the inconsiderate touts of the criminal underworld came calling, we all welcomed them to our humble abode with a bow and a pustrate as the King they were. They asked us if we had legal tenders to offer them, and we told them that a fardin wasn’t with us. Althrough we remained unflappable and predictably silent even after my necklace and wrist watch went to the Real owners. Until all of a sudden, a trigger was pulled at the next room as the crow fly. After the gentlemen on black had gone, with so much stampede we rushed out to meet the gruesome, unholy and unfathomable murder of Chief, it was indeed a gory sight” Tega narrated what caused me headache instantly.

I couldn’t tell what controled my both hands to come together to produce a clap. Others joined me clapping.

“stop clapping!!” Officer Tunde yelled at us and we stopped clapping.

At that moment, i suddenly noticed Officer Bimpe winked. I tot she was winking at me, so i winked back.

“wow! You can speak” Officer Bimpe said and winked again. I instantly realized she initially didn’t wink at me, but at Tega who was seating behind me. “why dis one dey cut eye for Tega na, abi na because of dat small english wey Tega scatter? I fit speak am abeg” i said to myself.

I just couldn’t tell why i hated her guts from that moment onward.

Maybe it was because i was envious of the fact that she was falling for Tega’s looks, his words and his intonation.

“so who else can tell us his own version of the incident?” Officer Ejunykpokpo said. “e be like say this Officer no understand the Big grammar wey Tega scatter oh” I mistakenly said with a low voice and my guys laughed.

I just couldn’t tell why my brain couldn’t control what came out of my mouth, i just couldn’t tell why.

“what did u just say?” Officer Ejunykpokpo queried.

My lie clock told me to say, “i said my friend here will tell you his own version of the incident” pointing at Man.

“ok, go ahead, lets hear you” Officer Ejonykpokpo said.

“ehen, Officer no be say i no fit speak English like Tega oh, but una gree make i use pidgin English nak una the tori?” Man asked. “go ahead” Officer Tunde said.

“mehn! As we dey wayah better sleep oh, naso dem the mumu come show face. Them ask us weda we get money, we say we no get. The two of them wey enter our room be long throat sotey dem chop our food, one of dem even give me slap wey make my head begin heavy me like say i carry four people head. The one wey pain me pass be say them the f”ool carry our fine fine shoe, them even carry my waka about shoe wey i bring from Sokoto” Man narrated the pidgin English version of what Tega narrated earlier and even more.

The Officers went to Mama and Papa
Ejima’s room to also question them.
After about 30minutes Officer Bimpe came to us and said, “i will like one of u to come with us to the station to make a written statement of the incident”.

Before she finished saying that, Man said, “make i follow una Officer”. “for where! make i com go station, make dem com say make i pay money to write statement, i no dey go anywhere” i said to myself.

“not you, we need someone that can write, i think you can come with us” Officer Bimpe said pointing at Tega.

As Tega left with her, “yeeeeeeeh!! Man see as the Officer yab you, oboy na big insult oh” Snoop said and we laughed at Man.

“Snoop, you wey dey talk, you know English pass me?” Man said. “why i no go know English pass you, me wey na English i read for IMSU” Snoop replied. “Ok if na true say you read English for IMSU, tell me the past tense of Run?” Man asked. “that na primary two question na, the answer na Ran” Snoop replied.

“you no get am, na before before the answer be Ran, the answer don change, you no know say English dey change everyday” Man said, “so if him no get am, wetin com be the answer?” I asked anxiously.

“the answer no be Ran, the answer na Raned” Man said.

Man wey dey reason!! Man wey dey reason!!
Man wey dey reason!! We made a roof raising cheer.
“Man i wan buy phone wey i go dey manage oh, where i go fit buy am na?” I asked Man as we sat under the Mango tree, “no wahala, e get where i go carry you go, u go buy am cheap” Man responded. “where be that?” I inquired.

“when we reach there you go know” Man answered how best he knew how to answer such question.

As I and Man were about leaving the compound, we saw Bigie also going out holding a laptop. “Bigie where you dey go na?” Man asked Bigie, “i dey go Ade place, i wan go sell dis laptop” Bigie answered. “we sef na Ade place we dey go, Flow say him wan buy small cheap phone wey him go dey manage” Man informed.

As the three of us walked to Ade’s barbers shop, i was wondering if Ade’s barbers shop had a section where they sold phones and laptops. Or was it another Ade? I couldn’t ask Man because i already knew what his response would be, “when we reach there u go know”.

“wait oh, Bigie where you see laptop wey u wan go sell for Ade shop?” Man asked Bigie. “na person dash me” Bigie replied.

“Oleh!! How person go dash you laptop. U don go thief laptop, u wan com sell am, God dey watch you oh” I held my tongue from mentioning that.

It reminded me of what Man told I and Brainbox while we were kpokponing in the site one day. Very funny but true.

It was about the addictive life style of pilfering and womanizing Bigie and Tupac lived.

He said Tupac and Bigie went for a Job interview to occupy two positions in a newly constructed Big Hotel. The positions were Hotel Manager and Hotel Accountant. It was very certain that they would get the job because they were friends with a friend of the owner of the hotel.

As Bigie was interviewed, the beautiful pen of his interviewer developed wings and flew into his pocket. Just because of that singular act, he was disqualified instantly. How could a robber become a Hotel Accountant?

As for Tupac, his interviewer was a lady putting on a mini skit. The lady sat close to Tupac that her fresh laps were smiling at Tupac. Tupac answered all her questions correctly, not until he stretched out his hand to c’aress the lady’s laps. The lady gave him a dirty slap, and called the guards that dragged him out. How could a womanizer become a Hotel Manager?

So that was how they lost such mouth watering opportunity. Despite the fact that they had been looking for such a handsome pay job since they finished serving for more than two years.

Even at that, Tupac was still womanizing. He had even graduated to visiting “Azu Nepa” regularly.

Azu Nepa was a place were sex was sold. It was a p”rostitute house. Their motto was: “it is cool to f”uck”. The name Azu Nepa came to be because the p”rostitute house was located at the back of Nepa office.

As for Bigie, if he told me the Legendary highway robber Lawrence Anini was his role model, i would believe him. Bigie’s kleptomaniac attitude to life was really alarming. He needed deliverance. My prayer for him was that he shouldn’t graduate to become a MOPO.

“Ade how far, we wan buy phone, come arrange us anyhow phone” Man said as we got to Ade’s Barbars shop.

It was the same Ade we had a hair cut in his shop last week, but what i wanted to know was how he became a phone dealer.

“which type una want na, the ones wey be 1500 or 1000, abi na the ones wey be 500?” Ade said. “So 500naira phone dey? Abi na charger him mean?” I asked myself.

“Ade bring 1000naira own for dis my friend, me na 500naira own i wan arrange” Man said to Ade.

Ade went in and came out with two bags, “dis na the 1000naira own, dis na the 500naira own, make una choose the one wey una want” Ade handed us the bags.

I tot the phones for 1000naira would all be an eyesaw. They weren’t that bad. They were the kind of phone I could get for 3000naira in the market. My question was, where Ade got all these phones from. A question i promised myself i would ask Man after we might had left Ade’s shop, atleast he wouldn’t respond his usual way.

I selected a Nokia torch phone, so did Man, but Man’s own was held together with a rubber band. Apart from that, no much difference between our phones, or so i tot.

“Oga Ade, give me 50k for dis Laptop, na Hp laptop be dis oh” Bigie was bargaining with Ade. “i don tell you say na 40k i go give you, one guy don come dis morning na 35k i buy dis type laptop for him hand, na because u be my customer nahim make me put the price for 40k, if not na 35k i for buy am” Ade said.

Wow!! I was swept off my foot. How on earth could such a “clean” laptop be sold for 40k or even 50k? Was i dreaming? Ade was really a good business man, little wonder he had a Volk wagen Golf car parked outside.

“Man where Ade dey get all these phones na?” I asked as we left Ade’s shop. “na people dey come sell them the phone to am na, see ehen, e no get anything for dis life wey u no fit buy for Ade shop, even if u wan buy motor sef him go sell for you” Man explained.

“Bigie as you don get 40k for your pocket, carry us go drink na, no be bad thing na” Man said, “no be 40k Ade give me, na 30k, him say if him sell the laptop him go give me the remaining 10k, but anyhow sha i go carry una go drink, una be my correct guys na” Bigie said. “Bigie yor!!” “Bigie yor!!” We hailed.

That was one thing i loved Bigie for. Though he was a notorious pilferer, he had a open hands, he gives to people in need. Maybe that was the reason why he was hardly caught in the stealing act. Man had told I and Brainbox few days ago that whenever we are in need of money, we should go to Bigie, he never lacked money. He was like the Bank amongst us. “when u don owe am money for long time, him go dash u the money, him no go collect am again” were the exact words Man used in describing how Bigie was benevolent in nature. No wonder he never lacked, Nature’s law must stand: “blessed is the hands that giveth”, even if the hands giveth a stolen money.

We were on our third bottle, when all of a sudden Bigie counted out some of the money and stamped it on the table, i initially tot the money was for the drinks, until he said, “make una two manage this money”. “Bigie yor!! Bigie yor!!” we cheered.

We were on our fifth bottle and it was getting dark, when all of a sudden a guy came walking towards us, i initially tot he was the waiter, maybe it was because i was very high. “ehen, wetin u want? We never drink finish, if we drink finish we go pay you” I said.

“u dey mad? i resemble bar man for you eye” the guy replied me.

All of a sudden, the guy grabbed Bigie by his shirt and said, “God don catch u today, where my laptop?”. “i no take ur laptop, go find who take ur laptop” Bigie replied as i could see fear in his eyes.

“bros him don tell u say him no take ur laptop, leave am na” Man said.
Before i could say Jack Robinson, the guy smashed a bottle on the floor and said, “i go chok u dis bottle if u no mind ur business” he was reffering to Man.

Before i could say another Jack Robinson, the guy’s friends came to join him speaking language.

We were doomed.

I tried my best not to say another Jack Robinson before i ran or rather “raned” according to Man.

Man raned also.

We left the benevolent Bigie to carry his cross, afterall we weren’t there when he stole the Laptop.
We got home to meet Pkc. Just Pkc and Baba jay.

“Pkc u no sleep for church today?” Man asked a n’onesense question.

“i was told u guys were robbed, and Chief Ogbonna was killed” Pkc said, “naso we see am oh, dem those M’umu come kill that good man oh” Man said. “what a pity, may his Soul rest in peace” Pkc said.

“Since i came back something had been smelling in this room, a very bad Odour” Pkc said.

For real, the room was smelling.

“hmnnnnn Abi rat don die?” Man said, “if na rat die make we look for am na” Baba jay said.

As we begane searching, Man said, “how rat go die when we no put rat poison?” “you no know say some of the rubbish food wey we dey chop for dis house, if rat chop am, the rat go die?” I said.

“but wait oh, the thing no dey smell like rat wey die oh, e dey smell like s’hit, abi person s’hit for toilet wey no flush am?” Man said. “i have checked the toilet, it is well flushed” Pkc responded.

As we continued searching what seemed like a fruitless search, Man suddenly said, “Flow na for inside ur Bag the rat die, na from there the smell dey come from”. “Man u dey mad, how rat go die for my bag na? na ur bag nahim rat go die, no be my bag” I cursed.

“Flow na true oh, na from ur bag the smell dey come from” Baba jay confirmed.

I came closer and dragged my bag with the tip of my finger.

At that moment, Pkc walked out, maybe he ran for his dear Lungs. because the smell in the room could damage not only the Lungs but the Kidney also.

“hmnnnnnn!!!” “hmnnnnnnn!!” was the noise Man and Baba jay made trying to catch their breathe.

“why you pour spit for my body na?” I yelled at Man who spat on me. “no vex abeg, na because of the smell” Man replied. “so my body nahim be the thing wey dey smell? So na my body the rat wey die dey abi?” I queried Man. “e be like say your body sef don follow dey smell oh” Man said, and i quickly percieved my cloth to comfirm if what he said was true.

“my cloth no dey smell like rat wey die abeg, me wey i spray Tega perfume for dis shirt” I said.

“Flow open the bag na, make we know wetin dey smell for inside” Baba said.

“nahim i wan open so” I replied and my hand went for the zip of the bag.

As i opened the bag, the stench that flew to my nose was the kind of stench that could not only damage one’s Lungs and Kidney, but shutdown one’s entire symtem.

I couldn’t tell the bad spirit that made me hurriedly dipped my hand into the bag without thinking.

My hand came in contact with something that i assumed could be Eba or over done Beans.

I brought out my hand to see it wasn’t Eba, neither was it over done Beans.

It was poo.

Fresh poo.
Someone had pood on my bag.

Who else could it be if not Brainbox.

Wonderful Brainbox.

Brainbox, the King of mischief.

Man and Baba jay laughed their way out of the room.

I instantly recalled Brainbox threat, “Flow i go show you”. He had done his worse.

Like a pidgin English Adage goes: “first to do, e no dey pain, last to do nahim dey pain”. And the English version of the same Adage goes: “He who laughs last, laughs best”

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Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 22

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