Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 13

Episode 8 years ago

Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 13

“Make we dey go, make we leave Brainbox, him go come meet us” Bigie said.

“i dey come make i go see wetin him dey do for Nkiru shop” Man said as he walked towards Nkiru’s shop.

“make una wait for me, make i go house go carry my phone” Snoop said leaving us to go get his phone at home.

I kept my eyes on Bigie althrough. because all hell would be let losed if he dare tampered with the money Chief gave us.

Few seconds later, Man returned informing us that Brainbox was on a “looting” mission, that one of us should go to the back of the Shop, that Brainbox would soon start throwing “loots” over the fence.

How f’oolish of us, instead of one person to go, we all went to the back of the shop. We stood there for about a minute, and no “looting message” from Brainbox.

“abi him don forget say we dey here?” i said.

Before i finished saying that, a 10naira pack of groundnut landed on my head and fell to the ground.

Next was a 50naira loaf of bread. I picked them both and transferred to Bigie who transferred them to his pocket.

Then came two 10naira packs of ground. I picked them both, transferred them to Bigie who tranferred them to his pocket.

Two 50naira loaf of bread fell to the ground after few seconds. I picked them both, transferred to Bigie who transferred them to his pocket.

“e don do na” i said oweing to the fact that Bigie’s pocket had no more space to contain the groundnut and bread. Although Bigie’s combat trouser had several pockets, we still needed “reinforcement”.

We waited for a minute, and Brainbox didn’t throw anything, “e be like say him don stop oh” i told Bigie. Before i finished saying that, “pooooooaaaaaaaah” it was raining on me from Above, not of water but of groundnut.

“Man!! Come follow us pack dis plenty groundnut oh” i said to Man who was standing at a corner watching if someone was coming.

We picked all the 10naira packs of groundnut and Man’s pocket couldn’t contain any more groundnut, so Bigie removed the money Chief gave us from his pocket and gave it to me, and we forcefully put in more groundnut to his pocket.

Since the Three quarter short i was putting on had no pocket, in just left the money hanging in the waist band of my boxers.

Before i could say Jack Robinson, i heard a voice, “who dey there!!” Haruna shouted from a corner.

Bigie and Man madly dashed to a nearby bush to hide.

I was instantly crippled.

I couldn’t find my legs.

“i say who dey there!!” Haruna shouted again.

“na me oh, na Flow” i replied him.

“Wetin u dey do there?” he asked, “i dey piss” i lied.

“Why you no piss for toilet?” he was beginning to ask too much questions, “piss dey catch me and i no wan go house, nahim make me dey piss here” i replied.

Just when i tot we were free, that we weren’t victims but victors of L105 or rather L104, i heard, “thief oh!! Thief!!, e don thief my groundnut finish oh!!” it was Nkiru shouting.

I was sure it wasn’t Bigie, neither was it Man that Nkiru was calling thief because i could see them both where they were hiding from where i stood. Who then could it be?

Oh my world!! Brainbox.
I came out and saw Haruna giving Brainbox a hard chase.

Brainbox ran so fast that his legs weren’t even touching the ground.

Brainbox ran towards the road unknown to him that there was a bike coming to his direction.

“Brainbox!!!!” I shouted, thinking he would hear my voice and stopped running. He did stop, but that was after he stumbled on something on the floor, and fell.

The distance between where he was lying and where the bike halted wasn’t up to 2metres, “u wan die abi? If u die na hell fire straight oh” the bike man shouted.

Brainbox wasn’t even moving, or like the Bike man said, had he landed in Hell fire already?

Since the Holy Bible says: “it is appointed onto man, once to die, and after this, the judgement”.

Why was Brainbox’s judgement so fast? Or was his sins so numerous that the Devil just had a walkover? All these were questions i asked myself as i walked towards where his body was lying.

“Haruna, see wetin u cause, my friend no gree wake again, u don kill am oh” i said, sending shivers down Haruna’s Spine. “i no kill am oh, him thief my wife groundnut nahim make me dey pursue am” Haruna cried out. “but u see groundnut for him hand?” I queried. At that moment, Haruna was practically crying revealing his rotten teeth.

“wetin we go do na to rush am go hospital” i said. At that moment, Snoop came to meet the u’gly scene. “make we rush am go hospital, before him go die” Snoop said.

Like the cliche goes: “like minds, reason alike”. It was glaring to me that Brainbox was okay. He was just faking unconsciousness. because i could see him wearing a light smile.

“ehnnn Haruna we wan rush am go hospital but, we no get money wey we go take pay doctor oh” i said. “like how much una go take pay Doctor?” Haruna asked panicing. “like 15000naira, but just bring 10000naira make we beg the doctor weda him go collect am” i replied with my “419” talent. Snoop wanted to say something, i winked at him and he kept mute. “10000naira to much na” Haruna cried out. “ok, no worry i go go report u for police say u don kill person” I threatened. “no oh, e never reach police case na” Haruna replied walking slowly to go fetch the money. “do quick oh, u know say e remain small wey him go die” i said and Haruna increased his pace.

“Snoop, go tell Man and Bigie make dem never come out oh, say after 20minutes, make dem come meet us for where dem dey watch ball” I told Snoop. “where dem dey?” Snoop asked. “dem dey dat bush wey dey back of Nkiru shop, dem dey hide there” i replied. Though Snoop never understood what was going on, he still obeyed me.

After about ten minutes, Haruna came back with the 10k and gave it to me. “where the motor wey u go take carry am go hospital?” Haruna asked. “no worry i go carry am for my shoulder” i replied.

Though Brainbox was a bit heavy, but the tot of the 10k Haruna gave me energized me to carry him on my shoulder without feeling the pains.

As i walked far from the sight of Haruna, i heard, GOAL!!!! “MAN U don score” i tot.

But the most important goal at that moment was the goal i scored Haruna the Illiterate.
“how we go take share the 10k?” Brainbox asked me after he resurrected from my shoulder. “how u want make we share am?” i inquired, “ok, ehnnn we go tell them say na 8k Haruna give u, and na 3k be my share, 2k be ur share, all of them go share the remaining 3k” Brainbox informed. “what of the 2k wey go remain, wetin we go do with am?” I asked Brainbox.

I tot he would say the 2k was tithe. Tithe that would end up in his pocket. Or was tithe paid for 419 money? Brainbox was fund of cheating when it comes to sharing money.

He never mentioned that it was for tithe, rather he said, “the remaining 2k, i go take 1k, u go take 1k, because na we work pass”. “BRAINBOX!!!!” I hailed, “u get correct brain”

“the money wey Haruna give me get plenty change, make i go one corner go count the 2k comot, stay here, if other guys dey come, them go meet u here, u go tell dem say make dem wait i go piss” i suggested. “no wahala, enter that bush for there” Brainbox said pointing at a bush path.

What he never knew was that i had something up my sleeve.

Like they say: “show me your friends, and i will tell you who you are”. The Brainy Brainbox was my friend. Lemme leave you to be the judge of who i was. Brainbox had for a while tutored me on the act of artifice.

It was about 7:30pm so the bushy place i stood was a bit dark, and i wasn’t even scared that an animal like Snake might eat me up for dinner. What i was interested in was cheating.

Big time cheating.

The money Haruna gave me was hanging at the right hand side of my boxers waist band and the money Chief gave us was hanging at the left hand side of my boxers waist band.

My hands went straight to remove the money at the left hand side. I counted it with the help of my phone torch light, to my surprise it was 30k. “una never know anything sef, i go cheat una today” i tot.

I quickly counted 10k out of the 30k, dug a hole on the ground, and buried it. I had concluded that i would tell my guys that the money Chief gave us was 20k.

I quickly kept the 20k back to the left side of my boxers waist band, and i removed the money Haruna gave me.

It took me so long a time to finish counting the money because it was full of lower currency denominations. After i finished counting, i discovered the money wasn’t complete. It wasn’t 10,000naira but, 9,855naira. “Haruna nawa for you oh, see as you pack 5naira and 10naira full dis money, e no even complete sef” i tot.

I seperated the 2k Brainbox told me to seperate and kept it hanging at the centre of my boxers waist band.

My boxers waist band was beginning to slack because it held three bunch of money. At the right side was 7,855naira, at the left was 20,000naira, and at the centre touching my d’ick was 2,000naira.

I promised myself that none of these money would fall off, a promise i was sure gonna keep.

The same way i promised myself i would return to collect the money i planted on the ground, that is if the money wouldn’t have germinated, grow tall, and produced “fruits” for harvest.

“Flow u never piss finish? come make we dey go watch match na” i heard Bigie’s voice.

As i walked to go join my guys, i suddenly noticed i had automatically changed walking step. I was walking like a suicide bomber who had a bomb planted in his waist.

My prayer was that none of the three bomb should detonate soon.
Full time scores: Man u 2 – Fulham 1.

“ehen make we enter Riverside na” Brainbox said as we walked home after the match. “no wahala, na there we dey go now” Man said.

As we walked, we were munching groundnut with large chunks of bread. It was as if the bread and groundnut were multiplying as we ate.

In Ibo Language, Ozommiri means Riverside. So Riveside hotel was coined out from Ozommiri River that was behind our house.

The hotel wasn’t that gigantic but it had a gigantic bush bar.

“na the money wey Chief give us be dis, Brainbox count am” i said as i kept the 20k on our drinking table. Brainbox counted it to confirm it was 20k. “dis one na the one wey Haruna give me, Brainbox count am” i said dropping the other money. Brainbox counted and cofirmed it to be 7,855naira.

“Make we use dis Haruna money pay for everything wey we go drink, but the Chief money, we go share am” Snoop suggested. We all aggreed to Snoop’s Suggestion.

Equity was what Snoop’s suggestion was all about, and Equity was what Brainbox kicked against when he suggested i removed 2k from Haruna’s Money. 2k that was beginning to hurt my most precious d’ick.

I drank “only” three bottles of Udeme alongside one plate of Nkwobi. “Make we dey go house na, s’hit dey catch me, e be like say my belle dey turn” Brainbox suddenly said. “how ur belle no go turn, when u chop 2 rounds of concoction soup” i tot.

I was thinking since i only ate 1round of the concoction soup, i was safe from running stomach. Only time would tell.

We were discussing the match as we walked home. As we got close to the place i planted the 10k, i said, “make una wait for me, make i piss”. While others were urinating at the hotel toilet, i held back my urine because i had plans of urinating in my “farm”. The farm i planted not maize seed but “10k seed”. My bladder had held so much urine, it was about exploding.

“Flow do quick oh, s’hit dey worry me oh” i heard Brainbox said. I was still urinating the one bucket full of urine when i heard Bigie said, “Brainbox, enter bush go s’hit na, abi u dey fear the bush?”. As i heard Brainbox coming towards my direction, i quickly tried to dig out my 10k. But i wasn’t fast enough.

“wetin u dey dig for ground?” Brainbox asked. “ehn ehn ehn i wan s’hit inside the hole wey i dey dig” i stammered. Brainbox also dug a hole close to mine, not minding that we would be percieving the “fragnance” of each other’s poo.

We were so close that Brainbox would notice if i removed the 10k from the hole. I could see the 10k, but i dared not take it, because Brainbox’s phone torch light gave our “s’hiting” spot a glow.

“Flow s’hit na, abi s’hit no dey catch you?” Brainbox said, “s’hit dey catch me na, my s’hit dey come small small” i replied. My stomach that was initially not running, instantly begane to run.

“proooa proaaaoh proooo poooroh” i had poo on my 10k. Maybe it was a manure that would make my “10k seed” grow well, just maybe.

After 5minutes of inhaling the “fragnance” of both Brainbox’s poo and my poo, it was time to go. What was on my mind was how i would remove my 10k from the “manure”. “Flow u no go cover ur s’hit? I don dey go oh” Brainbox said walking out of the bush. “i dey come make i cover am” i responded.

I knew it was irritating, but what was i to do? I had no choice (if na u wetin u for do?)

I dipped my hands into the poo, removed my 10k, rubbed the poo off the money with leaves, and placed the money at the left hand side of my boxer’s waist band. And also used leaves to rub off the poo on my hands.

TBC…….

cc Flow1957