Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 11

8 years ago

Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 11

We arrived the compound to meet a cheerful atmosphere.

Daniel and David were playing football, Haruna and his “Miss World” wife were watching over their wares against any Evil plan of L101 and L102, i suppose. Not knowing that the L101 and L102 thieves would always take them unaware.

As we stood close to the compound’s gate gisting with Bigie, someone came in. That someone came in with an Ape.

What made me realized the “thing” Tupac came in with wasn’t an Ape was when she said, “hello” to nobody in particular, “hi” Bigie responded.

As the name “Bigie” was to Stealing, so was the name “Tupac” to Womanizing.

He could go after anything on skirt, trouser, b’ombshot and even wrapper.

He could sleep with anyone carrying two “Oranges” in the chest. Whether the Oranges are Big or Small, ripe or unripe.

S’ex was the most valueable word in his dictionary. But not S’ex with an Ape na?

The lady, or rather the Ape Tupac came in with was very short. She was as dark as my grandmum’s cooking pot, no “manchester”, no “backassi”.

To crown the whole thing up, she was practically limping.

“so naso Tupac dey carry anyhow woman?” i said to Bigie after Tupac left with his Ape, “no oh, him dey carry fine fine ones sef oh, him wan just thief the girl Kpomoh chop” Bigie replied with a smile.

Talking of “thiefing” Kpomoh, i hope the Kpomoh i kept in my bag haven’t been “thiefed”? I just hope so.

As we walked to our room, i silently muttered a prayer to God that my 1500naira should still be in my bag.

The room was rather silent to our surprise.

We met “the kind” Pkc studying the Bible.

“Pkc where everybody na?” Brainbox asked, “i met only Baba jay at home when i came, he just left now, he went to buy drugs for his headache and body pains” Pkc replied.

“how him no go get headache and body pain, when Opopo don beat s’hit comot for him body” i thought with the left side of my brain.

While the right side of my brain told me to quickly confirm if my money was still in the bag.

I grabbed my bag to confirm. Lo and behold the money was gone. Bigie had done his worst.
He tore my bag open.

Maybe he was on a revenge mission for the 3k i stole, or rather, i found in my trouser pocket, just maybe.

But if you ask me i would say he stole the change left of his 3k.

Penny wise, Pounds f’oolish.

SCORES: Flow 1 – Bigie 1
“Flow dis one wey ur face dey like dis, any wahala?” Snoop asked as we sat under the mango tree, “no problem oh, i just no dey happy” I replied.

“guy make we no dey let Bigie enter our room again, dat guy na big thief” I said with a frown. “shey him thief ur money?” Snoop inquired. “no oh, dem no born am well make him thief my money na” i lied.

“guy MAN U get match with Fulham today oh” Snoop informed, ” ok, na which time the match be?” I asked, “e go soon start sef” Snoop replied.

“Man, u go follow us go watch MAN U match?” I asked Man as he came to join us.

“even if i no be MAN U fan, i go follow una go watch una match, so i go fit laugh una when una lose the match” Man said. “no wahala make we see weda Fulham go fit win us for our home” i said.

Just then, the talented pilferer, the skillful pick pocket and the world best robber came in. No other person than Bigie smalls.

“make una come make we go watch match, i go buy one bottle of beer for everybody if we win the match” Bigie said.

“you be thief, na the money wey u thief for my bag nahim u wan take buy us beer, thunder go fire u” i almost said

“B I G!!! U be correct man” Man hailed “where we go stay drink the beer na?” Brainbox asked an irrelevant question, “even if we go stay inside toilet drink am, that one no matter, my own be say i wan drink one big Udeme” I said and they all laughed.

When i said Udeme, i meant Guinness, a.k.a Big bros, a.k.a 1759. Udeme was coined out from a Guinness advert on Tv, an advert i would say was the best advert on Tv at that time. The starting line of the advert i would never forget, it read: “My friend Udeme is a great man, when he was a boy his teacher asked him where he would love working, up there!! he said”. And the concluding line read: “at the end of the day friendly light would guide him home. And on a table of men, he would say; let the beer see the skies but not for too long”.

“make una no worry we go drink for Riverside after the Match” Man said. “where be Riverside na?” i asked.

“when we reach there u go see am” Man answered his usual way.

I, Brainbox, Man, Bigie and Snoop set off to the football viewing centre. What we never knew was that a friend of ours would almost kick the bucket because of L102, or rather L105.

That friend of ours was Brainbox.
“make we collect groundnut wey we go chop na, i dey come make i collect am for Nkiru place” Brainbox suggested walking towards Nkiru’s shop.

Little did i know he was on a L102 mission. L102 that would graduate to L105.

As we stood by the gate gisting on how the match would be, at the same time waiting for Brainbox to come, a car came towards us with its head-lights on Full beam.

“who be dis big f’ool wey dey shine us light for eye” Man cursed “oga abeg off ur light jor” Bigie yelled.

Two hefty men on suit came out, bodyguards i suppose. Next, a chubby pot bellied man came out. Also a beautiful princess came out, Kate of course. She looked different because she was wearing a different hairdo.

At the sight of the pot bellied man, one would concluded he was a titled Man, because he was putting on an “eshi agu” ibo attire.

“chief!! Chief my darling” Kate said giving Chief a peck on his fleshy cheek.

We all stared at Kate and “her darling” as they were showing public display of Love. At that moment, i wasn’t responsible for controling my eyes but my eyes control itself to Kate’s l’aps, and my d’ick responded to the stimuli.

No wonder guys went on a bet for Kate’s “honey well”. I was sure no guy in the compound would taste Kate’s Honey well, even in dreamland, or so i tot.

“ehn Chief, these are the guys i was telling u about” Kate said pointing to our direction. As kate said that, the two hefty men came closer to us.

My mind had already displayed that i was shot on my right leg by one of the hefty men.

“wetin we do na” my spirit left my body and my body was gathering momentum to run.
“chief these are the guys i have been telling u about, they are my hostel mates” Kate repeated.

At that moment, i had already imagined the direction i would flee through. But it seemed my right leg instantly caught muscle pull.

A look at the hefty bodyguards made me almost cried. One of them was bringing out something from his suit inner pocket, i tot it was gun.

My “fear-fear” mind had already played a video of me been shot on the right leg.

“but wetin we do na? Abi Kate see my face that day wey we dey watch as dem dey f”uck her?” i tot.

I gathered momentum to run, despite the fact that my right leg had caught muscle pull. The same right leg that had been shot in my mind. Mehn! My legs were in jitters.

Even if i tried running, i wouldn’t go far before the hefty bodyguards would catch me.

My heartbeat didn’t only increase, my heart was melting as i was sweeting profusely. I was in a limbo.

As the bodyguards came closer, i gather momentum, and decided i would flee with gear five, because woe betide me if i use gear one, it would be too slow.

“these are my beloved hostel mates” Kate said.

I tot i had “behead” in place of “beloved”. “so naso my head go take go!!” i tot.
If i die now, hell would sure welcome a visitor, i was sure of that.

“these are my hostel mates, i love them so much” Kate said with a smile on her face.

This time, i heard her right.

The bodyguards weren’t even heading to our direction at the first place, they were going to meet their boss.

See wetin fear dey cause. I don already get heart attack.
“how are u!! How are u!! How are u!!” was what Chief said as he shook hands with us, one after the other.

As i shook his hand, i felt how chilled his hand was. “mehn!! big man good oh, see as dis man hand cold like pure water” i tot.

“ehen, lemme give u guys something na, something for refreshment” Chief said.

On hearing “refreshment”, i was refreshed internally and the muscle pull instantly ceased.

Chief brought out a bunch of 500naira note and gave to Bigie. “chief chief!! Chief chief!!” we hailed.

As chief gave the money to Bigie, i counted the money from a distance with my eyes, and i concluded it to be 20k. “Bigie na 20k dey there oh, if u thief any money for there ehn, i go know oh” i almost said.

“chief chief!! Chief chief!!” we cheered as Chief and his “darling” Kate walked into the compound. The bodyguards also followed.

Just when i was crying to God to provide money for me, oweing to the fact that the Notorious BIG robbed me, God heard my cry. Atleast my pocket would be enriched with not less than 3500naira in the near future, or so i tot.

“wetin Brainbox still dey do for Nkiru shop na” Snoop suddenly said.

Like the pidgin English adage our Mum always told us when we were younger goes; “pesin wey no dey house when Papa come back from work no go chop wetin Papa bring come from work”.

True talk!! Since Brainbox wasn’t around when we recieved the money, he wouldn’t partake of it, so my selfish mind tot.

Not knowing the same Brainbox was “looting” for us all, a looting that would almost land all of us in trouble, and a looting that would almost cost him his life.

TBC……