Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 9

8 years ago

Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 9

Sunday came with the thought of church service.

In our bathroom door lies a pin hole. A pinhole that guys used to have a glimpse of the n’aked body of female visitors. The code name of this act was “flatscreen”. because when you peep through the pin hole, u could get a view that was as clear as watching a b’lue f’ilm in a flatscreen Tv.

“why u dey flatscreen my babe, u dey mad?” Tega queried pushing Man very hard. “ehen, u no dey flatscreen another person babe?” Man attacked. They argued in a low vioce for a while. “make una no dey argue, make the babe no hear una from inside oh” i cautioned.

One thing about our house was that we lived in brotherly love. We shared shirts, trousers, even shoes.

Every other person had gone to the bus stop to wait for the bus MOG told us of, except Me and Man. We were the last to visit the bathroom. We were rushing up in other for us to meet up the bus.

“Man, see wahala oh, one person don wear my trouser wey i wash and iron oh” i complained after searching all nooks and crannies for my black trouser. “that mean say u go look for another trouser wey u go do Wet soul na” Man responded.

Wet soul was a code name for pouring water and brushing the dirts off a dirty cloth(trouser or shirt). So immediately you finish doing that, you would wear the cloth no matter how wet it was. Your hope would be that the cloth would be dried by the breeze on your way going out. The name Wet soul was gotten from the name of the American designer shirt “Dirty Soul”. Wet soul was first done by Man on a Dirty soul designer shirt. So that was how the code name was coined out

“me sef oh, dem don wear my shoe oh” Man noticed. “u go wear that Waka about shoe na” i suggested.

Waka about shoe was a shabby looking timberland shoe we had. The shoe was the kind of shoe a dog could bark at when it sees it. Man even told me there was a day he wore the Waka about shoe to do kponkpon work.

So with my Wet soul designers trousers, and Man’s Waka about designers shoe, we walked fast to meet the others at the bus stop.
“Baba jay, so na u wear my trouser wey i dey find, u don kolo oh” I cursed as we stood at the bus stop waiting for other members. “you dey mad, you fit tell ur elder brother say him don Kolo?” Baba jay said and the other guys laughed. “i no get elder brother, even if i get, my elder brother no fit be like u” i said.

True talk! No one would pray to have an elder brother like Baba jay. I aggree, we were all poor boys, but Baba jay was as poor as a church rat. He couldn’t boast of owning any property in the house. The best word to describe him was “Parasite”. He lived at the mercies of others. He had finished from FUTO since last year, but he had not paid his school fees from 200level to final year, so he came to stay in Nekede waiting for mannar to fall from above. If i were him, i wouldn’t have turned down the offer made by Man to join the Kponkpon “business”. You never can tell, he could have gradually saved up the money for his fees.

“Bus wan move oh, make una come enter oh” Brainbox said. The number of people to board the bus was much, it was as if the bus wouldn’t contain us all, or so i thought.

I was trying my best to enter so i wouldn’t be left behind but the F’at a’ss girl in front of me hindered me with her a’ss.

Alas! I was the last to enter but there was still a seat left, for an angel of God to seat on and watch over us as we journeyed.

Yes, an angel came to occupy the seat, not an angel of God but an angel in Human flesh.

The name of that angel wasn’t Angel Gabriel but Angel Gabriella. The beautiful Grabriella.

Saying Gabriella was the most beautiful choir member was an understatement, she was the most beautiful girl in the church. She wasn’t only beautiful facially, her voice was also beautiful because whenever she leads praise and worship, she brings Heaven down with her sonorous voice.

“good morning all” she greeted taking her seat by my side.

Mehn! She was more beautiful than i thought as i could see her well arranged set of teeth as she smiled. If there was one lady i had a huge crush on in church, that lady was Gabriella. I had a crush on her but i had never spoken a word to her since i started attending that church.

“u are looking good” i spoke to her for the first time. “thank u” she replied.

As the bus moved, i quickly remembered i was wearing a Wet soul designers trouser, so i adjusted a bit for Gabriella not to feel the Wetness of my Wet soul.
“will you be singing in church today?” i asked what seemed like a f’oolish question. “yeah!” Gabriella replied looking away.

Why she looked away was what i couldn’t tell. Oh my world!! She looked away because i had bad breathe. “mehn! I no brush my teeth dis morning oh, how i go forget to brush my teeth na” i almost said.

Due to the bad breathe i had, i didn’t say a word to Gabriella althrough the rest of the journey.

We arrived Dominion City Church Owerri at about 8am. Church service had just kicked off. I was staring at Gabriella althrough the praise and worship section. In my mind i was painting a picture of me playing cupid with her. “Flow if u marry this kin girl, na to dey padlock her T’oto oh, because many men go wan sleep with her” i tot.

Talking of padlocking “T’oto”, it reminded me of a guy called “Superglue T’oto”. When i was in sch, this guy called Uche in my hostel was asking a very pretty lady out. The lady gave Uche a tough time making him lavished his money on her.

After a year, Uche couldn’t even get to see the “Honey well” in between the lady’s legs, not to talk of tasting it.

So one night, Uche took the lady out and got her drunk, he brought her home and slept with her.

After sleeping with her, he applied Superglue to her “T’oto” while she was sleeping. To cut the long story short, Uche ran to his village early the next morning leaving the lady in his room. The lady was rushed to the hospital after she was found in Uche’s room crying in pains.

Uche came back to the hostel two weeks later thinking the case might have died down, not knowing the Police was in search of him.

The police got him after 2days. He was locked up. But because his parents were wealthy, they bailed him out and cleared the medical bills of the Lady.

When we asked Uche why he did such devilish act, he simply said; “since e hard for me to enter that place, as i finally enter nobody go enter that place again, that na why i superglue the place”.

Since then, his name changed from Uche to Superglue T’oto.
“and Peter was Walking on water, when Peter started loosing faith, he started sinking” the preacher was preaching.

It reminded me of the rugged days of my schooling. It reminded me of the Baggar’s Anthem.

Oh sons of Odin!!
Sail on Aro.
Sail on, as Captains of every ship.
Be it river, be it ocean. With your canoe, or with your ship.
If the Water be tempest, Sail on Aro.
If your ship fail to sail, Like Peter, Aro walk on water.
And you will not sink until you get to iceland.
Wosky brothers sail on, no Matter the turbulence,
Sail on Aro.

That was our Anthem. It wasn’t the anthem of Baggars Nationwide, rather it was the anthem of baggars in my sch, composed by a member.

The name of that member was Rugged Aro Flow.

Yes, i composed it, read it out to my fraternal brothers and they loved it, so they accepted for it to be read at gatherings.

“Offering time!!” Pkc said from the pulpit, “Blessing time” the congregation responded. That was Pkc’s department. He was the Pastor in charge of offering collection.

“Flow u get change?” Man whispered to me, “how much change?” i inquired. “na 50naira i get, and u know say na two offering them dey give, i wan change the 50naira so i go give 20naira for the first offering, and 30naira for the second offering” Man informed. “u no dey fear God oh, upon all the things wey God dey do for u, na 20naira u wan take thank am” I said.

“forget that thing, no be wetin person get him go give?” Man said. “God wey provide Kponkpon Job for u, na 20naira u wan give am, no let God vex for u oh” I cautioned.

Our church was the kind of church you would see people giving 1000naira as offering, not even workers, but university students. Not to talk of those that were workers. There was a sunday, i saw a guy seating by my side bringing out 3000naira as offering. 3000naira that could feed me for a week.

As we danced to where the offering basket was, i clinged to my offering with all the muscles in my palm so nobody could see the “handsome” amount i was giving. I couldn’t tell the kind of devil that made me lose grip of my offering when i was about dropping it in the offering basket. Maybe i was carried away by the nice song the choir sang, just Maybe

And the 100naira i held as offering fell to the ground for everyone to see including Gabriella.
“Flow, shey u see any money inside the pocket of that your trouser wey i return?” Bigie asked me as i was seating under the mango tree after returning from church. “i no see money oh” i lied.

It was meal time.
“Flow food don ready oh” Baba jay informed.

The ravenous Baba jay was paired with Snoop. While i paired with another revenous creature, Brainbox.

The food was Ogbono soup and Eba. The “elasticity” of the Ogbono soup was Superb. The taste was amazing.

“guy them no dey rush hot Ogbono soup oh” i cautioned, “e concern you” Brainbox replied.

We were all enjoying the delicious meal until, “pupurupu pupoooo” Baba jay let out a thundering fart.

Tega’s friend Opopo unaware that we had a Guiness book of record holder for best fart said, “that person wey mess no get sense, him no know say we dey eat”. That statement brought out the vampire in Baba jay.

“you dey Mad, na me u dey curse, i go chawus you oh” Baba jay said giving Opopo a hard punch to the chest. First attack!!

Chawus was a Barrack slang or rather a military slang that could be interpreted to mean “serious beating” in English or “chop jollof rice” in Baggar’s slang.

Baba jay was a Barrack boy like me. But the toughness and doggedness of Barrack boys could not be found in him. Maybe northern Barrack boys wasn’t as tough as western Barrack boys, just Maybe.

Opopo replied Baba jay with a “Mohammed Ali” kind of punch to his cheek, causing chaos in the room. “dis guy think say na boxing ring we dey, that kin punch fit kill person oh” i tot. Before Baba jay could recover, Opopo sent another punch to Baba jay’s nose. I saw Blood dripped out of his nose instanta.

“Opopo leave am na!! E don do!! U go kill am oh!!” was the noise clouding the room, that wasn’t only what clouded the room, the “fragnance” of Baba jay’s fart also clouded the room. Man tried to hold Opopo, yet Opopo let out another punch to Baba jay’s bleeding nose. SCORES: 3-1 (full time)

Knock Out!!!

Baba jay fell to the ground. I thought he was dead because he wasn’t moving. There was commotion in the room. Tega’s girlfriend Lydia was already crying as if we were at Baba jay’s funeral.

“give him mouth to mouth resuscitation” Lydia suggested. “make i kiss Baba jay, i dey mad? Baba jay wey no dey brush teeth, e better make i go kiss toilet wey s’hit dey than make i kiss Baba jay” i said. “Flow we no dey play here, Baba Jay go soon die oh, who go put him mouth for Baba jay mouth na” Tega said with an uneven panic. “make una bring water!!” Man ordered.

At that moment, my mind strayed away from the “Baba jay commotion” to the mighty pieces of meat staring at me from the various plates of soup.

Like they say; “like minds, reason alike”. It was as if Brainbox had intention of grabbing some of the pieces of meat.

Brainbox eyeballed me, i eyeballed him back. He eyeballed me, i eyeballed him back.

And all of a sudden we jolted to the plates of soup at the same time, struggling roughly like two Rugby players.

TBC……