Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 7

8 years ago

Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 7

We arrived ilya du Neked wire on time, karid entities were so much “made in Fulani”.
“Barnabas i know, Solomon, i know, who are wa?” a fair guy asked me as i was about seating down. “i am that kpokponti entity that was trans Egbu, trans Amadi, trans Ekulobia, trans Ekulu, trans ife nine, on that day D, time T, that day holy water was so much made in fulani, when i was librated from an animalee to an entity by my chiefo, chief Eze goes to School of Lake Nwebere, my baptizimal name is Ab Flow because i am so much jambraha” I vibrated. The fair guy “shine me his golden falangis” and i sat down.
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As we continued drinking holy water, i said, “entities make una days be long oh, una know say na me be the only entity wey get uku I uku wey big like plantain?”. They all laughed.
Uku in ibo means leg. I is an English alphabet. So uku I uku was a kegit slang for that thing that is in between a man’s legs, that is like letter I (the d’ick).
The fair guy wanted to test how well i could understand vibration so he came close to me and asked, “Baba Daysis oh, if i say pigeon solidify enter my ohambele local government before i migrate nasarawaly here, wetin i mean?” “u think say i be small boy for kegit? U are trying to kowachiate that rice is the food that is in your stomach” i explained.
“police oh, one cloth u dey wear oh, police eeh, one cloth u dey wear eeh, everyday na one baret one cloth u dey wear eeeh, everyday na one baret one cloth u dey wear eeh. Police eeh, go Bayelsa eeh, Police ooh, go Bayelsa oh, if Port Harcout no favour u, go Bayelsa, if Port Harcout no Favour u, go Bayelsa eeh” We all sang dancing round a table in Ilya du Neked wire Joint. Mehn! Tupac was a good Dancer, a better holy water drinker and a best Romance-Machine.
His Brother from another mother; Bigie, didn’t dance but sat smiling and watching us. We never knew he was up to mischief.
After i had taken 5litres of Holy water, i was saturated. I was in Cloud nine. I whispered to Brainbox for us to start leaving. He in turn informed others.
As we walked down the road, “Flow see that babe nyash oh! See as the nyash big” Brainbox said pointing at a lady. “omo mehn, the nyash na earthquake oh” Tupac added. The holy water i drank made me long-sighted, as i could see the big a’ss closer than any other person, it was as if the lady was walking in front of me, when she was a bit far from me. The holy water didn’t only enhance my sight, it enhanced my thinking faculty. It communicated with me.
“Flow, go press that girl nyash” Holy water commanded. I instantly walked towards the lady like i was under a spell. “e be like say Flow wan go press the girl nyash oh” i heard Brainbox said from behind me. “Flow, u no fit abeg, if u press the girl nyash, come collect 1k for my hand” i heard Bigie said. I turned and gave Bigie a bright smile, “i don chop dat 1k today be dat oh” I thought.
Legend has it that Holy water has more Alcoholic content than beer, also that one 1litre of Holy water was approximately 1 jumbo wrap of weed. If we were to go by that account, that means i had taken 5 jumbo wraps of weed. When i couldn’t even finish 4 wraps of weed on a normal day, unless of course i wanted a “direct ticket” to running mad.
I was gradually going nuts, because no normal guy could think of tapping a lady by her a’ss in an open street.
“waka fast before the babe go go na” Holy water told me, and i increase my pace.
As was getting close to her, i saw a guy on red shirt also walking towards her, “abi dis guy wan press her nyash sef?” i asked myself. “make u first dat guy press the girl nyash oh” Holy water said to me. I never knew Holy water was decieving me, the guy on red never had an intention of Tapping the lady’s a’ss.
As i and the guy on red walked almost hand in hand behind the lady, i quickly f’ondled the lady’s a’ss. “mission accomplished” i tot as i quickly returned my hands pretending i did nothing.
She turned back and yelled, “who did that?”. “talk say na that guy do am” Holy water suggested. “is him” i said pointing at the guy on red. The next sound i heard was two hot slaps, not on my cheek, but on the bony cheek of the guy on red. The two “beautiful” slaps made the guy fell to the ground.
“mumu!! U no go run” Holy water suggested. I ran as fast as my legs could go, wishing the guy on red wouldn’t recover from the beautiful slap soon.
“wetin dey pursue you wey make u dey run enter compound like that?” Man asked as i ran into the compound huffing and puffing. “nothing oh, i just dey jog, i dey exercise my body” i replied with a fat lie.

The other guys came in few minutes later laughing at me beyond control, “Flow u get mind oh, see as u go press that babe nyash” Tupac said. “see as u go put that guy for wahala wey no concern am, but that two slap hot oh” Snoop added.

“ehen, Bigie where the 1k wey u say u go give me if i press the nyash?” i queried. “i dey come make i give u” Bigie said reaching for his wallet in the back pocket of his trousers. I tot he wanted to bring out just one wallet. He brought out five Wallets.

“chei! Bigie, wetin u carry all dis wallet dey do, u dey sell wallet?” i said. When Tupac glanced at the wallets, he smiled and said, “Bigie, so u thief all dis wallet from those guys wey dey drink with us for Ilya du Neked wire? Nawa for u oh, which day u go stop dis u pick pocket and looting, anywhere u enter, something must miss, y na?”. Instantly, i deeped my right hand into my back pocket to confirm if my wallet was still there. It was there.
While we were chanting kegite songs and dancing, the “Notorious BIG” was busy picking pockets. Notorious BIG indeed, notorious for stealing. “dis thing wey u dey do no good oh, see how many wallet u thief, Five wallet, so all that time wey u dey do like say u dey dance, wey u dey come stand for back of people wey dey dance, na their wallet u dey collect?” Brainbox said.

Those guys were really insensitive and f’oolish, because i couldn’t imagine someone taking my wallet without my noticing. Well, u wouldn’t blame them, they were “under the influence” of alcohol.

The painful part of the whole thing was that Bigie wasn’t even remorseful, he was smiling like he just hite Jackpot.
Well, i guess it was Jackpot to him, but for the five guys he stole their wallets, it would be like a horror movie to them. because it was certain some of them would work as bar attendants at Ilya du Neked wire that night, oweing to the fact that they wouldn’t be able to fort the bill for the several litres of Holy water they drank, while some others would pay with their phones, that is if Bigie didn’t steal phones also, “him even steal two phone sef” Tupac confirmed. Oh my world!! he stole phones also.

Aggreement was Aggreement, so i nevertheless collected my 1k from Bigie, afterall i worked hard to earn it.
“Flow u go follow me go buy that Cardinal boxers for Snoop” Brainbox said to me as we both sat under the Mango tree. “where u go see am buy?” i queried. “No worry na, na me be Brainbox na, i go use my brain” Brainbox replied.

“wetin u carry for nylon sef?” i asked Brainbox as we walked out of the compound. “No worry when we reach where we dey go, u go see am” Brainbox sounded like Man.

I wasn’t really curious to know what was in the nylon bag, rather i was curious to know where we were going to. Or were we boarding the next available flight to USA to go ask Snoop dogg to give us his Cardinal Boxers? Only time could tell.
“i wan buy Perry cole boxers, how much?” Brainbox inquired as we entered a boutique. “why u wan buy Perry cole boxers na, na Cardinal boxers u suppose buy na” I whispered to Brainbox.

“Perry cole is 250, choose from any of these” An Angelic, Delectable, Ebony, Charming, Drop dead Gorgeous, Damsel said offering Brainbox several boxers.
Brainbox selected a boxers that looked almost like Snoop’s Cardinal boxers. I couldn’t help but admire the Beautiful Damsel as she sold the boxers to Brainbox. I forgot my mouth was ajar. She looked more like an angel sent from up above.
“Flow make we dey go na, i don buy finish” Brainbox said. Carried away by the beauty of the Damsel i was admiring, i totally forgot my name was Flow.
So i instantly changed my name to Flowey.

“who u dey call Flow, my name no be Flow, my name na Flowey, how many times i go tell u” I said to Brainbox. Brainbox was surprised at how i instantly changed my name.

“don’t mind my friend, he is this naughty sometimes, my name is Flowey, i am half American and half Nigerian, what is ur name?” I said to the Damsel offering her my hands. She gave me a warm handshake and said, “ehnn My name is Florence”.
“wow! What a coincidence, Flowey and Florence, what a picture perfect combination” I teased. “you own this place?” i asked taking a glimpse at the beautiful boutique, “yeah” Florence responded. “so can i come keep u company any time soon?” I inquired. “yeah, any time soon” Florence replied.
“Flow u wey never even go Abuja wey dey for dis Nigeria before, u com dey tell babe say u be half Nigeria, half America, why u sabi lie like dis? U even change ur name sef” Brainbox said as we walked out of Florence’s boutique. “u no know say if woman thing don reach like dis, i go turn to Chief LIEnus? U no know say Flow no be like American name? Nahim make me change am to Flowey” I explained.

“where we dey go now?” i asked. “when we reach there, u go know” Brainbox sounded like MAN wey dey reason.

“oga Joe, i wan sew something oh” Brainbox said as we entered the shop of Oga Joe the Tailor. “wetin u wan sew?” Oga Joe inquired. “u go help me comot the label of dis boxers put for dis other boxers, u go try make u put am the same way wey e dey for dis one oh” Brainbox explained to Oga Joe how he was to swap both labels.

“u think say Snoop no go know?” i said. “unless u carry dis ur sharp amebo mouth tell am, na that time him go know” Brainbox said, “u dey mad, na ur family members get sharp mouth” i cursed.

As we waited for Oga Joe to finish sewing, all i was thinking was Florence, “that girl fine oh, but i go fit chyke her so? me wey no get money, shey na Kpokpon money i go use take care of her? The girl wey get money, na she get that boutique oh, abeg na high class girl jor” i thought.
Woe betide me if i made use of my kponkpon earnings to fort any lady’s bill when i was barely feeding from hand to mouth. And morealso such “hard earned money” should be spent on oneself and not on a female, or so i tot.

I was still lost in my thoughts when the scary ringtone of my phone brought me back to reality. It was Tega.
He wanted us to come home immediately, that he was having a mini birthday party at home.

As we left Oga Joe’s Shop walking home. i told Brainbox that we should board a bike so that we wouldn’t miss the fun of the party. I was on a euphoria mood. I tot it was a normal birthday party, i never knew we were in for a dangerous drinking spree.

TBC………..