Deal With The Devil - S01 E99

2 years ago

Deal With The Devil - S01 E99

Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 99

❝Confused but know what to do❞

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Apparently Colt is just as bad at chess as he is at making things not awkward and both Sebastian and I actually took great pleasure in winning the chess game that we're playing with Colt and it was actually kind of fun and over the next couple of days I have been teaching him to play chess and even when he isn't getting anything better at chess but at least it was kind of fun trying to teach him at least but today is a day that I feel nervous about. The day that I have to make the choice of a lifetime.

My heart has been pounding from the moment that I woke up and I've had a hard time even trying to calm down. It's pretty hard when you have to make a choice to either betray your heart or betray your soul. That choice I've been met with is hard for me to do and I'm at a crossroad with that I can do, and in what direction I should go to and how I should do this. Perhaps I will just have to face the fact that I've already lost the deal.

The deal that I swore to myself that I would not lose but on the other hand I would be losing my freedom if I were to do that and I want my freedom. I want to be out in the world and travel to wherever I want and not just wherever he is going or takes me. That isn't what I want. I want to have freedom and perhaps I will be choosing that or perhaps not, I don't know and I don't know what I should be doing. This is the last day of the year and tomorrow I will either be still married or free to go wherever I want. 5

And be free in general but at the same time I would be breaking my heart, leaving the man that I love more than anything in the world and it is kind of strange to think that I would be doing that. I stand in front of the window, watching the snow softly fall down. My legs are better and I can walk without anyone's help now but that doesn't mean that it is all well. There are times that the pain is just so much for me but the doctor said that it is normal for me.

Especially since I'm working so hard to make sure that I will be able to walk normally again and I will do whatever it takes to walk normally again and have my life turn out the way that it was before all of this happened and perhaps soon I will be able to do that but perhaps not. The more I think about this, the more I get unsure of everything, my feelings and my heart and my soul and just about everything in my life.

The thoughts in my mind are hard to make sense of as these are thoughts that are swirling around and the tornado inside my mind is just making me want to go insane because of it and perhaps I will go insane. "You look deep in thoughts" Colt says as he comes over to me and stands beside me. "You know why" I say to him but he puts his hands on my shoulders and makes me turn to look at him and he does have a serious look on his face and I'm not sure if I have ever seen this look on him.

"Just pick whatever you want but make sure that this ship snails as I need to have this ship and it will not sink. I would never allow it to sink, it will never sink. That I am sure of and I will literally undress the both of you and lock you in a room until you've banged it out. Or I could tape you use that dildo and show him the tape and I'm sure he will love that and the ship float" He says but he only makes me roll my eyes at him.

"Colt, it doesn't work like that and that is just gross. You seriously need to stop thinking about that and need to think about something else, anything else" I tell him but he just shakes his head at me and raises an eyebrow. "Why deny who I am when I can be the best me?" He asks but I don't think I understand the question nor do I think that I should answer that at all or if that is something that anyone can answer, unless perhaps Colt can answer that question as his mind works in mysterious ways that I don't think anyone can understand.

"I don't know what I'm going to do" I tell him. Tears are forming in my eyes as I am met with something that is most likely the hardest thing that I've ever had to do in my entire life, this is just too much for me to handle right now but I know that I've been trying to avoid it for so long but now it's here and I can't avoid it anymore. Perhaps I always knew that it was coming and I just wanted it to go away. Maybe because I don't want this.

God. This is so confusing. I can barely make sense of my own feelings and thoughts. I'm confusing myself and while Colt has been speaking something beside me and looking at me, I've barely been able to hear it, in fact I've not heard a word that he has said to me for a couple of minutes and it's weird but then again my mind is somewhere else. I turn back to watch outside the window at the snow and suddenly I know exactly what I want and what I'm going to choose and I have accepted what I may never have again.