Diary of a broke Naija playboy - S01 E37

2 years ago

Diary of a broke Naija playboy - S01 E37

Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 37

I handed my list over to my father. He was of the opinion that it was the excess money that he was giving me that made me keep my girlfriend in my lodge and be getting her pregnant anyhow. So he decided I was going to break every expenses down on paper, that way I won’t have change to feed any girl. “Excess money”, Imagine.

“What do you need 6 packs of toilet rolls for? Do you run a public toilet?” he asked me, observing me over the rims of his eyeglasses.

“And see this one, 2 towels? What for?”

“Dad, it’s for the remaining 3 years I have in school.”

“So you want to use 2 towels over a period of 3 years, so that you will come and be spreading disease everywhere?”

Hian, daddy sef.

“One carton of Indomie,” he read out. “Where do you even get the strength to be impregnating girls when all you eat is indomie?”

Willie who was busy with his laptop and had headphones over his head giggled, That MOTHERFUCKER!

“Papa Willie!” my mom yelled and eyed him. He hissed and continued.

“And look at this one, he can’t even spell knickers,” he said and shot me his eyes again.

“Which one?” I asked, going closer to take a peep at the list.

“Ar ar, Daddy is sneakers nah not knickers.”

“What is sneakers?”

“A types of shoe.”

He shook his head and continued, if only he would just give me the money and f--k the list. It reminded me of my elder sister’s days in the dormitory. She would bring him her list and he will be like.

“Why 5 sanirary pads? Are you marketing them in school?” and when she decides to save herself the interview and remove sanitary pads from the list, he would be like.

“Why no pads? Come Oluchukwu Rita, are you pregnant?”

And my mom will always be there to intervene but my popsy no send anybody.

“And you should include condoms in this list because I am now afraid of you, Chinecherem, your fear is catching me.”

And after everything, he broke the whole expenses into 2. My father never liked maths and he hardly stressed us each time we flunked in any maths exam. My mom will be scolding and he would just be like.

“Leave this Children, how many times have you applied X and Y in that your small office? If he knows how many 500 nairas can give him 1 million, he is ok, that is the basic thing.” My mother will only shake her head.

So when it came to money, Chike Obi has nothing on my Popsy.

He divided my 21,525 naira into 2 and divided one part into 2 again. He added a half of the whole money to one part of the the other divided half and gave me 16,145. He probably knew I wasn’t going to buy one quarter of those things on that list. So I was still rich anyway.

“Ehe willie, when are you going back or have they expelled you?” he asked my brother.

“Daddy nooo, I’m going back next week.”

“It’s your last semester in that school, so you won’t buy anything naa.”

“No sir, I’m not buying anything, it’s just that I need small money to fix some things.”

“I know, you are always needing money, how much?”

“Just 50k,” he said with a wide grin.

“Are you mad? Did you put JUST before that 50k?”

My father actually removed his lenses to ask him if he was mad. It was my turn to giggle at him.

“Daddy no, I mean It’s only 50k that I need. Nothing else.”

“What are you even doing with that type of money? Are you sorting your VC?”

“Daddy noo, We are, I mean my department people, we are hosting a graduation part and I need a pair of tuxedos to shine dad. You know it’s once in a life time.” he was grinning ear to ear again.

“Party kwa? Are you graduating from Quilox that you will each contribute 50k for it?”

“What is Quilox?” My mother asked.

“A Church in Onitsha,” My father replied so casually, I would have believed him if I didn’t know what Quilox is. My mother only nodded and continued pressing her phone.

“Daddy, the money is for tuxedo, party and other things.”

“I don’t even understand the language you are speaking, maybe when the sun reduces, I will understand,” my father said and ran into his room before Willie will remember any other dues.

I cat walked into Naza’s room and met her kneeling on her bed, saying the divine mercy prayer. A miracle. I was going to slowly sneak out of the room before she caught me. She didn’t talk. She just pointed at the floor beside her. I can’t argue, I just jejely joined her. Luckily enough, she was rounding up. Her mother peeped into the room and saw us. I was able to notice the smile on her face. Yepaa, I have scored a positive point on her score card.

“So by what time are we leaving?” she asked after the prayer.

“Ermm, 3pm.”

“I hope your lodge mates would be back by then, that your logde that looks like graveyard.”

“See, I want to buy some things,” I said, standing up.

“Come first before you go.”

She held my hand and I was expecting her to order for fried rice or any other impossible food. She eyed me with a wicked smile on her face

“Don’t worry, I just want you to rub your baby’s head.”

I smiled and stroke her belly. The bulge was still small. I kissed her forehead and turned to go.

“Peel those oranges for me before you go.”

My father dropped us at the park and made sure we both took different buses back to school. One going to Anambra State University and the other going to unizik. He needed no further stories. He even bought our tickets with his money. My brother was just spicing my anger with laughter. I swear he would have followed my bus to my school if he didn’t have an appointment.

As I dragged my bag into my my lodge, James wasn’t back yet but shape and her sister was. Even Chinaza was already chatting away with Shape in my room. That girl is a magician.

So she has her head on my shoulder, her eyes shut as I was scribbling this down. The idea for a post decided to bump into my head at this point in time and I was thinking. What if someday, my babe wakes up and finds out that I am running an account here and she goes through my profile to see the stories I have written about her and goes on to find out that most of it were actually true. I doubt if Chinaza is capable of killing or poisoning me but I also know that she is capable of asking someone else to do it for her. Lol.

So we beat our father, like Chinaza just stopped on the way and redirected her bearing to my lodge, getting there before me sef. Nice thing that we were surrounded by students who aren’t better than any of us.

I got in and we hugged like we were just meeting again after 3 years. Shape came and dropped her sexy ass on me, I gave her the side hug, I was trying to pass the message to her that I was so f-----g pissed at her.

“I missed you love,” she said, sounding all sweet. I replied her like I was diabetic, I didn’t need her sugar.

“Really?”

She nodded and tugged at my shirt while Naza took in my bags. I am unofficially married like this.

I watched shape for something, trying to figure out if I should prolong my anger or just let it fly. She had this body that will make you forget your sorrows talk less of anger. But denying me a very good p---y was a big crime to me, a felony maybe.

“Are you not happy to see me?” she asked.

“I am happy but I am angry with you and you know why.”

She frowned and looked at my face, clutching my hand in a romantic way.

“Boo what did I do?”

“Call him Chinecherem, that is his name. Only me can call him boo,” Chinaza shouted from inside and we laughed.

“Ok, Chinecherem, what did I do?” she asked again. Chinaza was already back with us, waiting for me to share her offense. She was giving me the inquisitive look already, very nosy of her.

“What did she do?” Chinaza asked. How could I tell her that shape’s offense was lying to me that she was a virgin. How is that my business?.

“It’s between us Naza,” I replied her.

“She is my friend and you are my something something. So am involved too.”

Chinaza will just wake up and start looking for trouble. Imagine.

“Don’t worry, it’s April fool, I am not angry at her,” I said and ran into my room.

“It’s April 19,” Chinaza called after me.

“April is April, whether April 1 or April 33,” I replied.

Chinaza managed to take her bath without inviting me in, it was even better rather than watch things that I can’t access, I rather not watch at all.

So me and shape was on my bed discussing her crime. She smiled after I told her it was all about the virginity.

“But I told you I got a boyfriend during the Xmas period,” she said.

“The one with Venza?” I asked and she nodded.

“So he VENZAD your p---y?” I asked and she hit me playfully.

“You are silly.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

“You didn’t ask naa or I should have used Microphone to announce that I am not a virgin anymore.”

“Well, you knew I was standing in line, waiting and you just stood me up.”

“Sorry boo, you didn’t ask again.”

“Must I ask before you give me what I want, eh shape?”

“Do you still want it?”

Imagine, she was asking me. I gave it a little thought tho. I remembered to my dismay that once Willie drops a grip on a hottie like shape, he hardly likes to let go and I can share my food, my clothes, my surname with Willie but definitely not a girl. After all, even among thieves, there is honor.

I shook my head and replied.

“No, you can’t be with Willie and be banging me at the same time.”

“I knew you are smart,” she said and rubbed my ear. I was going to rub her chest in return when Chinaza walked out of the bathroom, looking all wet and sexy. Chinaza being Chinaza, she chased us out of the room because she wanted to dress up. I wonder what she was hiding, is it the things that shape already has that she is hiding away from her or the ones I have already seen that that she is hiding away from me.

We shaa walked outside and continued our chats in whispers.

“So when you see a girl, the first thing that comes into your mind is to fuvk her?”

Shape was asking me.

“No, the first thing that comes into my mind is that I like her, then I like her body, then I realize I want to f--k her. So you see, it’s the third thing that comes into my mind.”

I love my girls, you could discus almost anything with them and they won’t start forming Holy. Shape burst out laughing. Just when she was about finishing her laughter, a car screeched to a stop at our gate. I took a peep and my it father’s car. I can’t remember if I actually urinated on my knicker or not because I can’t find the knicker right now. As I was trying to figure out how to hide Chinaza in my Ghana must go bag, Willie popped into our gate, smiling sheepishly.