The Heartbroken - S01 E180

Story 2 years ago

The Heartbroken - S01 E180

Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 180

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

I knew this didn’t matter, not

anymore, so I tried my best not to

dwell on it.

“Did you plan to do it like that?” I

asked him. “On your birthday.”

The plate of fries lay mostly

untouched on the table so I felt

compelled to reach for some and at

least pretend this whole

conversation wasn’t almost

breaking me in half.

He nodded. “Not at first,” he said. “I

didn’t—I couldn’t even make myself

think of breaking up with you, so

none of it was really planned.” He

dropped his gaze on the white

table that lay between us. It seemed

bigger than it really was.. “The

thought had been in my mind for

two weeks, but I didn’t want to

acknowledge it, so when it

happened, it just did.”

“Do you… do you regret it?”

He lifted his eyes to mine and,

quietly, he said, “Every day.”

I took in a sharp breath.

The weight of his reply settled over

me like a thick blanket and I

realized, perhaps for the first time,

that maybe he really meant it when

he said the reason behind our

breakup wasn’t as simple as I

thought it was.

“I force myself not to regret it,” he

continued. “And I have to

constantly remind myself it’s for the

best.”

I dared a glance at him and if the

stiffness in his shoulders was any

indication, this must be hard for

him to.

All this time, I thought he had

walked away unscathed. It was

jarring to hear him speak as

though the breakup had affected

him just as much as it affected me.

“When Hail called me that night to

fetch you from the party, and I saw

you acting like that, knowing it was

my fault, I wanted so badly to take

you back.”

“Then why didn’t you?” I snapped

before I could stop myself.

“I couldn’t. I forced myself to stay

away,” he said, “but it was difficult.

It was so f-----g difficult to stay

away, Kyla. The parties, the new

clothes, the new friends.” He shook

his head, never once looking away

from me. “You changed, and it was

so difficult to watch from a

distance when all I wanted was to

be part of this new life of yours.”

What he didn’t know was that he

was part of it. He had always been

part of my life and there was no

way for me to fully remove him. He

was there in my thoughts and in

the things I’d chosen to do. He was

always there.

“I loved you, Kyla,” he said. “I still

do.”

My eyes snapped to his.

I wasn’t sure if I heard him right or

if I’d somehow imagined the whole

exchange. I searched his face,

looking for signs that he was only

lying, but his brown eyes held mine

with a sincerity that took my breath

away.

“Every day,” he said, “I keep

reminding myself that I have to stay

away; that I have to let go and

leave, even if it makes me feel

miserable because I still f-----g

love you.”

Everything was so goddamned

tangled. My feelings, his feelings,

the way my heart seemed to long

for two vastly different things.

Everything was a f-----g mess and

none of it made sense.

I opened my mouth to say

something, but the words were lost

on my throat.

“You told me you like him,” he said,

shielding his eyes from mine. “And

I was finally starting to let go—to

really try to let go—knowing that

you were happy and you were fine

and you were better off without

me, but now you broke up and I’m

f-----g back to square one.”