Must Read: The Non-Traditional Church… [Completed] Season 1

Season 7 years ago

Must Read: The Non-Traditional Church… [Completed] Season 1

Prologue:
Apologies to anyone that might see this as annoying. I’m just airing my experience about an interesting topic…winkie, and please bear with the loads of vernacular entailed in this piece…So enjoy
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EPISODE 1: MAMA ULAI AND HER PEOPLE
#deep_thought… telling a story is quite difficult especially this kind. The trouble of where to start and where to end, anyways that’s none of what you wanna read…lolll, sorry. Now I’ll start, winks.

Ibadan has always been a great city and will always be. I enjoyed my secondary education there which was filled with Onifade [from: I think me a F**king priest] and others. Not that I am omo esu or whatever but churches as it were had been always fun and frustrating.

Had [CAC Ulai] ourselves this pastor, not that I remember his name though…I sha know he’s ebira or something like it. He’s got a large family, the wife refused to stop giving birth, it can be irritating at times especially if you wanna buy cassava pancake [the burnt cake left after making foo foo] from her; as there are these small creatures crawling and drooling around |nyama|. Before I knew whatsup, he’s been relieved of his pastoral job ooo, ahn an, just like that… yes ooo, “they” said mama ulai [founder of the church] caught him using local charms…eeyah.

New boy who just came from Akure was drafted into the choir, without any interview as such…so easy. Anyways, been a chorister is sweet especially when it’s not for the voice,
Na sha to dey disturb the congregation with our funny renditions especially during anniversaries. I remember a particular anniversary as such, after all the noise making, we sha stopped. Mama brought up one of the guest ministers.

He looked funny, but it’s not like I would make fun of an old man just yet. We sha all kept mum waiting for the holy words. He said a lot, out of which was that he dreamt of being the chosen man from God to lead the church henceforth. It was all cool, at least i was feeling him till the talk of him and the hole on Jesus’ body. That man ehn, he said “Ni gbogbo ara jesu, ko si ibi kan ti enikenikeni le gbamu ooo, opo eniyan loti gbiyanju, sugbon paabo nigbogbo re nbo si, emi gbamu ooo, iwo kekeere kan nbe nibi owo re, mo gbamu nibe”. I was like ahn an…so everybody before him had been blinded and couldn’t see that hole…and pastors don’t lie ooo.

Pastor Joel sha started his tenure, I enjoyed his tenure |a little above just sha|, with that his funny dance style, you know like sliding on a surface like KSA, only that he’ll close his eyes, raise his heads, and then start moving his fingers as though to warn you the end is near |hehehe|. Then there was his stories…ah that man, according to him ooo, he was once a pal of the late Orlando, they drank together, that he can drink a drum of alcohol, he travelled on motorbike from his hometown |only God knows where| to Jos. Wetin concern guys, we sha dey listen all the same.

It would have been all conquering and interesting, if not for that her wife, she can kill persin will only one look…and she will now be forming kind when the parents are around, hypocrite ayeraye. Pastor Joel tried ooo, he taught us different songs from the CAC hymn book, just that his daughter dupe always complained that he was humming all of it wrongly, the funny part is where he’ll give the comment “iya re ni ko morin nko” |lol|.
Of all things, Pastor Joel is hardworking and I respect him for that. Which kind of work can’t he do, he was a carpenter, a bricklayer, a plumber, electrician, in fact everything, good husband that man.

Pastor Omokunnu nitie, he’ll be playing war games and listening to “Orin aye” as they call it. There was a time like that me and my cousin collected his phone hoping to pass time with boring games and stuffs, he was like; I know what you like, then he started playing faze “kolomental”, before hin go play saint Janet join, we stop am play game jeje. He can lie…he had a book that he wrote all the ladies he’s slept with, he once brought home a lady that had tail, everything you can think of, he’s done…if he placed his head on a barren woman’s thighs, she’ll bore twins…ahn an, iwo nikan!!!

Yeah, there’s this third pastor, can’t even remember his name when na only bad news hin dey always see tell. Every Sunday after praise and worship, intercessory prayer lasan ooo…he’ll start “eyin woyin, e o more ooo, bi mo se nbo laaro yii, ni mori iya yii, aso o ba omoye re mo, ihoho lo wo, omo e nikan loku ninu accident idi-ayunre”. The only time I enjoyed was when he told the story behind his bent mouth…|hehehe|, according to him ni ooo, ehn en; he was looking out the window of a car while travelling, suddenly from nowhere, another bus just brushed his mouth…lolll. I was happy inside, why motor no go brush hin mouth, na bad tin hin kuku dey see take am talk. My joy was at the peak when he was later transferred to podo, new garage [our new branch], I can only shake head for what’s in store for those guys |won ni sun|.