Must Read: Confessions of a Funaab Yahoo Boy - Season 1 - Episode 11

Episode 7 years ago

Must Read: Confessions of a Funaab Yahoo Boy - Season 1 - Episode 11

A week later, Na so we follow G-money go Osogbo oo. Abisoko took us in his car, I, G-money, Uchenna. When we got there, it was totally and out sketch of the town. We
dropped the car at a mango tree and used our legs to complete the journey. When we got there, I even thought I would see a big mansion but it was an uncompleted building. That made me began wondering why native doctors don’t live in good houses, and the rags they wear. As I was wondering, some watery fluid splashed on my head. Na so fear come catch me. I looked up and saw that it was a bird. The thing dey splash s--t for up as e dey fly. I almost thought the gods wanted to embarrass me for mocking the building of the babalawo.
As we got to the building, an old woman sat on a chair close to the corridor. We greeted her as G-money was in front and the three of us followed. We went to the back of the building and there was another uncompleted one story building that we entered. As we were entering, suddenly I heard someone shouted my name and spoke in Yoruba language, “Gbadebo Alaba! Aye e ti dobale.” Meaning my life has bowed down. Immediately I became afraid. “Who was that?” I thought to myself.




G-money told me to stand still where I was and don’t move. Likewise other guys. We stood there and an old man came out from a room wearing a blue ankara with white substance rubbed across his eye lids. As he came closer to us, G-money asked the 3 of us to kneel and we did. He used the feather from a c--k he was holding to touch our heads. I was very scared oo. I was just wishing the things he would do won’t demand for ritual sacrifices. The old man asked us to stand up which and we did. He asked us to follow him and we did. He took us into a big room with different types of fetish materials. He sat down on a stool near a big calabash. He said the gods had told him why we came so we don’t need to explain our presence. He spoke in Yoruba. He stood up and called my name. He began speaking in proverbs. He said my house will stand again.


One other reason Uchenna, Abisoko and I came on the journey was for us to make more money and get more customers in our Yahoo yahoo business. “There was this particular deal we are into. We created a website and placed pictures of household utensils, electronics and so many items for sale. The website had an area for selling and input for credit card. And we targeted Americans and Europeans to fall for the scam. After inputting their credit cards, we empty the card by withdrawing money from it using Paypal with one of our agents in US and send the money to Nigeria. So we wanted the business to be very successful.” All that was part of the reasons my two guys came so the babalawo will give us success.
As the baba stood up, he entered a room. He was making incantations, speaking unknown languages. Immediately, he called Uchenna’s name. Uchenna was surprised. G-money told Uchenna to go and meet the babalowo inside the room, the call he called him was for him to come and meet him inside. Uchenna walked confidently to the room. Barely 2 minutes he entered. I heard screams from inside the room.



It was uchenna’s voice oo. Na so fear come begin catch me ooo. I began wondering what was happening inside the room. After the screams, everywhere was silent for a while till the babalawo called Abisoko. “But where is uchenna,” I thought to myself. “Uchenna no come out again!” G-money encouraged Abisoko to go and not to be afraid. “Me sef no know Say my guy, Abisoko dey fear like this ooo.” My guy just melo with all the hard man wey he dey do. He sluggishly went into the room. Immediately he went into the room to join the man. I was hearing some incantation. Barely some few seconds I was hearing the incantation, Abisoko screamed and shouted, “Yaaaaayyyyy !!!!! Gbadebo! Gbadebo.” Immediately I heard that, I was so scared. I wondered what must be going on. What was happening to my guys and why was abisoko shouting my name. I was beginning to move backwards. I just hoped G-money didn’t trick us to the place to use us for money rituals.”



As abisoko screamed, I shouted his name, “Abisoko.” As I shouted his name, everywhere was just silent. I shouted his name again and what I heard was, “Oti lo niyen,” meaning, “he had gone.” I began wondering what was happening, “who gone?” Where has he gone to? And to what end. I was just moving backwards when G-money looked at me. “Guy relax nah,” he said. He said I should stop behaving like a baby. “Nobody wants to kill you or use you for money rituals,” he said to me. He said it was just a normal routine to fortify us. As he was still explaining some few things to me, the babalawo called my name, “Gbadeb Alaba, omo iya Ayo.” G-money asked me to to. With fear in me I walked towards the room, thinking about my life and what will happen to my mom if anything bad happens to me. I just hoped am not been used for money rituals. As I entered the room, I couldn’t find my 2 guys who went in there before me. Suddenly, the man said I shouldn’t waste his time. I should walk fast to him. He asked me to stretch my hands and I did. There was a hole so wide, which looked like an underground. He said when I get in there inside a room, I will find a cola nut on the floor. That I should take the cola nut and eat. Na so I talk “okay oo.” With my two hands stretched, he asked me to close my eyes in which I did. Immediately, I heard a very loud bang that was so heavy that I didn’t know when I began to scream, “mo ku oooo.” Meaning, “am dead ooo.” Suddenly, a whirl wind just took me away into a room. As I saw myself inside the room, I was very scared. I saw a wooden caved deity, a c--k, bird inside the room. I couldn’t see any cola nut. Na so I begin wonder wetin I wan do. The room was even scary with everything in it looking like 18 centuries stuff.



As I was still standing with my eyes wondering about to see were to find the Kolanut. A voice asked me to look behind me. I turned my back and saw something round in shape which looked like a cola nut glued to the wall. Na so I stretch my hand come take am. Pilled off the s---t and began chewing it. As I was chewing it, I began feeling sleepy. Before I knew what was happening again, my eyes were closed. Opening it again, I saw myself under the tree we parked our car with my two guys (Uchenna and Abisoko) inside the car, G-money was not there. Immediately I realized were I was, na so I jump up in surprise. I nearly wanted to run when Uchenna asked Abisoko to hold me. Dem come hold me. I asked if we were done with everything, they said “almost.” But still waiting for G-money. Na so we begin narrate each of our experiences inside the room the babalawo take us into.


Few minutes later, G-money came out. He said the babalawo has asked me to go back to the land that my building was always collapsing. That I should go and urinate there the next 2 days’ time. After that, everything would be fine. We left.

I did as babalawo told me to. Couple of weeks later, it seemed things was beginning to turn around. We have started scamming people’s credit card online. Our (Abisoko Uchenna, and i) our popularity in school was swearing. We were referred to as the biggest boys in school.


My guys don get 2 cars each but I never buy any. I was hoping to finish up our house in Ilorin before getting a car. I struggle hard to make people believe that I am not into Yahoo yahoo.


So many people believed me because I always organize trainings/seminars on online business in school. Since forex was fading away due to economic recession, I really focused on doing mini importation of mobile phones, wrist watches and some other accessories. I just use it to cover up the bigger dirty things I do.
I was so happy that our building in Ilorin was almost completed. Since after the babalawo asked me to do what I did. I visited the place and painters were doing their job very well. My mom was impressed. At first she was scared the building would collapse but I told her that I went for prayers and deliverance in school which over turned everything. “See as my mama dey jolificate say everything don over.”


The other side of the compound, we built four flats (upstairs).


I was with funke in the parlour, preparing to submit my documents for industrial training (IT). My phone rang and I checked who it was Adaobi. Adaobi my former neighbor. We talked and it has been a while we saw and spoke. She said she just got a new laptop and would want to go into the online business I had been preaching about. After talking for a while, I teased her and told her that I would come to her place and she should cook ooo. After I dropped the call, funke’s face was looking “killing.” I guessed she was jealous because of the way I spoke with Adaobi. She was threatening to know who I spoke with. Well, I told her but she was still squeezing her face. Na so I come dey pet her. “Adaobi was not just any girl. I like her so much.” I could remember that she helped me so much when I just gained admission. “All the free food and transport fare. She’s endearing”. As I was still with funke, Uchenna came in to give me a bad news. He took me to a corner. He said that G-money called to tell him that the babalawo that did our charm in Osogbo was dead. “Hhmm,” na so me shout. I asked hope his death will not affect what he did for us.


He said it wasn’t going to have any effect on us only that he said that before the man died,

he said all the people he worked for must come and pay tribute to his copse. “Dat one no be problem nah,” I told him. After all that, I and funke spent more time together.
In the evening I went to Adaobi’s house. Abisoko took me in his car and dropped me at their gate. “They now have a gate and house fenced.” Na so people for the compound just dey hail me. Adaobi came out of the house to come and hug me. “See as people wey dey pass, some others at their compound were just watching. Na prestige for were Adaobi dey say he know someone like me. That I came there to look for her.” I entered the compound come see bola dey wash cloth. She come dey joke come say make I no great her. She complained that since I left there I had not even think of coming to see them. Na so I come dey beg ooo.


I was even seeing new faces in the compound.

Adaobi took me into her room while Bola came to join us. Bola asked why I was yet to get a car because I was worth it. I told them that I didn’t have money for car. They laughed and said I was lying. After much talk, there was a knock on the door and Adaobi asked the person to come in. Behold, its Nuella. She was looking very beautiful. I hadn’t seen her since I left the compound. She smiled and said I was wicked. That I didn’t even bother to ask after her when I came to the compound. I was so surprised. “Nuella don change!” “Was this not the same Nuella that chased me away from her room and called me wretched fool and poverty envisaged scum. Now money don come. Levels don change. She wan come mingle with one of the most popular dude on campus.” As Nuella said I didn’t bother to ask after her when I came to the house. I apologized to her. I tell her make she no vex. She sat down on one of the shares in Adaobi’s room. After much talk and tutoring. It was getting late at about 9pm. I told them I was going. Na so them escort me ooo. They said they really enjoyed my company and they would love to see me come the next day. I know Adaobi just want me to come the next day. I told them that I can’t come, they are in their final year so I don’t want to disturb them. Na so Adaobi come seize my wallet oo. She said I must come the next day. Well I agreed. The next day was a Sunday. I accepted their demands and left.


The next day while I was returning from church at about 11:30am, I branched to Adaobi’s place. When I got there, the whole compound was quiet. Adaobi and bola’s room were locked with key. As I was about to leave, Nuella’s room door opened. Infact I even forgot that she was even part of the people I wanted to see. Immediately she saw me, “Hmmmm, so you didn’t see Bola and Adaobi and you want to leave. Don’t care about me nah,” she said. I have to tell her I was sorry that I thought all of them went to church. She said she didn’t go to church that she was a little bit weak. I told her sorry as she opened her door and we entered. I asked if she has taken drugs. She said she would soon go and do that. She said she was in her monthly cycle and she guessed it was menstrual pain.


Na so I pity her ooo. She wasn’t even ashamed to open up to me. Na so we begin chat oooo. We talked about so many things from politics to sports till we entered relationship issues. Na so she tell me say she just recently broke up with her boyfriend. Me tell her say I was in a relationship. I began finding Nuella interesting. Unlike the Nuella of the previous years that doesn’t even want to set her eyes on me. We were just chatting and joking. She even cooked rice with good fish. As the food just dey done for fire, na so Bola and Adaobi come back from church. Na so dem serve food for plate. I no even form big boy sef.



Them be my person. Nuella served her own and mine on the same plate. The other girls (bola and Adaobi) had to share the remaining one inside the pot. Them talk say them dey hungry. We ate and I even gave them money to get soft drinks for us. After spending much time and helping out in Adaobi’s computer. When I was leaving, Nuella collected my number.


When I got home, nuella called me. She said she called to know if I had gotten home. Na so I tell am say I don reach oo. That was how things between I and Nuella changed. We talked more often on the phone. Sometimes she calls me more than 5 times in a day. Sometimes she would call me up in school to know where I was. She would come to meet me there. Funke had been noticing this for some time. She had been angry and confronts me often but I will always deny that there was nothing going on between us and indeed, nothing was going on between us. I felt that Nuella was just a friend and she just liked me. Tongues were wagging. I didn’t really blame funke because people, her friends has been seeing us (I and nuella) together and many people know that funke was the first lady.


This particular Friday afternoon, I and my guys (Uchenna and Abisoko) went to one of the eateries in school. Funke came to join us as we ate. Barely 30 minutes time, funke took my phone and was playing game on it. My phone rang. As she saw it, her facial expression changed. She put up a straight face. “Shebi she’s still call you again?” Funke said as she gave me the phone. I checked and it was Nuella that was calling. Funke was busy shouting and raining curses when I picked the call. Nuella asked where I was. I knew if I tell her, she will definitely come over. Since funke was around and I didn’t want to create a scene. I asked Nuella if there was any problem and she said she found a script which has my name on it on the floor of their lecture room. “I guessed it was the small test we did which had been marked.” So she said she wants to bring the script to me. I told her where I was so she could bring the script. Because I was so anxious to see what I had. I tried asking her but she refused telling me on the phone.


When Nuella came and met us, she greeted everyone. “My two guys had come to like her more than even funke.” They teased her as she took a chair and sat with us. She greeted funke, but funke snubbed her. When she gave me my script, I was so disappointed I scored 7 all over 30. “Kaii.. I was really going down academically.” Nuella sef wasn’t happy. Her project supervisor was the one taking us the course. I was bitter in my mind. Nuella started advising me to buckle up that my score was too low. As she talked, I could see funke looking at her in a weird manner. She expected Nuella to leave but she wasn’t. She stayed back. Nuella touched my cheeks and told me not to think about the score. As she was touching my cheeks, she said my beards had grown. She asked me to shave my beards and goatee. As she was touching my goatee, na so Funke come shout. “What is the meaning of all these. Don’t you know he’s someone’s boyfriend?” Funke screamed at Nuella. Funke come dey para for their, saying that I had always been frolicking around women and Nuella. She told Nuella to stay away from me. I was trying to calm her down but she no gree.


The water I was sipping, she took it and poured it on me as she began crying. Nuella stood up and left the place. I went to funke to try and console her, but she flipped my hands away. My guys were just watching and couldn’t do anything. Funke walked away from the place.


Come see as my guys just dey laugh me. They were calling me a celebrity, say girls dey die for me. I felt like following Funke but I relaxed myself, feeling that the issue would be settled later.

2 hours later, I got a call from Bola, Nuella’s friend.

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