Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 - Episode 48

Episode 8 years ago

Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 - Episode 48

Obele looked shorter to me as we arrived. I measured that my knee was a bit below his shoulder.

As we sat, i was wondering the amount of food that would fill our tanks, maybe a pyramid of Noodles would do.

“Obele give us Indomie and fried Egg, and Bread and Custard” Guess who ordered for that? Man!! Man wey dey reason out food.

“abi una no go like chop Hamburger and S’.perm?” He added.

“which one be Hamburger and S’.perm again?” asked Bigie.

“Hamburger na when you open your Agege Bread, com put Indomie and Fried Egg inside, com close am” Man explained.

“S’.perm na Custard wey them put plenty powder Milk inside” He further explained.

“na wetin me and my friends dey call am that time wey i dey Sok town” He added.

Man was a man of so many code names, nicknames, and guynames. He could give Kulikuli and Garri a palatable name that would make it sound like a continental dish.

Don’t try checking up “guyname”, you wouldn’t find a word like that in the English dictionary. Unless of course you check it up in an Oxford Advanced learner’s Pidgin dictionary. “Guyname” is a pidgin word that is said to refer to a funny name given to a Noun.

A Noun is the name of a person, animal, place or thing. Abi you no go primary school?

That means “Obj” is the guyname of Chief Olusegun Obasanjo, “GEJ” is the guyname of Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, and “High Tension” was the former guyname of Eke Ugochukwu Peter.

“Obele na powder Milk you go put for the Custard oh, and you no go let the Egg over fry oh” Man ordered.

“Flow i go need that memory card wey i give you that day, i don buy another phone” Tupac said.

“guy make i tell you true oh, i no see the memory card again, e don lost” I said expecting him to yell or bark at me, or both.

“you don jonz oh, memory card wey that B’.itches over B’.itches video dey nahim you go lost” He said.

Jonz is not the name of a French Footballer, it sometimes means someone has messed up, and it sometimes means someone is being s’.tupid, it depends on the statement it is used.

“and we for use that video chop more money from Mama Ejima oh” Man said.

“no worry, you know wetin dem dey write for the end of film wey be part one na” I said.

“wetin?” Brainbox asked.

“them go write WATCH OUT FOR PART TWO” I said and they all laughed.

I was sure there would be a part two to the movie B’.itches over B’.itches. Or so i tot.

Hamburger and S’.perm was served after i had Salivated so much. The Custard really looked like S’.perm, but the Noodles, fried Egg and Bread was not yet Hamburger, unless they go through the “combination” process Man explained.
We all watched keenly as Man divided his Bread into two almost equal halves, took almost half of his Egg and several spoons of his Noodles, placed them carefully on one half of the Bread, and said; “as e don dey like this, the next thing na to clap your hand”.

“which one be clap your hand again na?” Tupac asked.

“see wetin be clap your hand here” He replied, as he placed the other half of the Bread on the half with the Noodles and Fried Egg, he did that with so much dexterity.

That was really a “clap” that gave life to a Hamburger. Man’s Hamburger.

“Man how you take sabi to do Hamburger? e make sense oh” Brainbox said after we had all clapped out our Hamburgers.

“you no know say i don do Mai shai that time wey i dey Sok Town” He answered.

Mai shai is not a Korean name, neither is it the name of a place in China, it is what Hausas call someone that prepares Tea(not Tramadol oh!) for commercial consumption. Noodles, Fried Egg and S’.perm or rather Custard is always in the Menu of most Mai shai(Hausa people, i spell am well abi?).

Hamburger and S’.perm was really an unending meal, i couldn’t finish it, the more i ate the more it multiplied, i was practically pleading with the food to finish. That day was the first day in a long while that i left a delicious meal unfinished.

“Remnant” was a word that could not be found in my dictionary, and would never be.

I was a perfect description of the Ibo saying; “kàmá ó gà dó n’ité, ká ó dóró nà àfò”.

I no go interpret that one oh!! Ask the next Ibo person you see.

Instead of the food to be saved in the Pot, let it be saved in the Stomach. Na wetin e mean.
“my electric socket is no more working, pls one of you should come and help me fix it” Kate said to those that sat under the Mango tree the next morning, amongst them was the ever cheerful Flow.

“Flow shebi na Physics you study for University?” Man inquired.

“yes na, i studied Physics and i graduated with first class” I said to Kate’s hearing, make she know say i no be “O-O” when i dey school.

O-0 is not the scores in a table tennis match, it is what is said to refer to someone that is an Olodo, someone that came to pass time in school, a person that is not studious. O-O is an acronym for “Ogbu Oge” in Ibo. And Ogbu Oge literally means a Lazy person.

“since you graduate with first class, go help her repair her socket na” Brainbox said.

“i just dey shine for Kate una no know, how i go graduate with first class for Physics? I wan run mad?” I nearly said.

True talk. It was almost impossible to graduate with a first class in Physics in my school, since time immemorial only one student had achieved the feat. I saw Physics as the hardest course in the whole wide World. The course was for mad men.

Little wonder a lecturer in our department then told us he wasn’t normal, that he was mad, and that everybody that studied Physics in one way or the other was mad.

Sorry to say, he meant Schrodinger was mad, Isaac Newton was “madder”, Herbert Einstein was “maddest”. Maybe the vehicle of madness drove these great “Maddist” or rather Physicist to their graves, or maybe not.

Kate’s room was a convention female room; make-up kit here and there, about a million shoes, pyramid of dirty clothes, unkept wardrobe, lack of cross ventillation, ecetera.

Even if i was blind, i would know i was in a female room because of the smell, it really smelled nice.

“here is the screw driver” Kate offered, as i tried to pray my d’ick down after it stood up immediately i saw two G’-strings dangling at her wardrobe directly above my head. I did my possible best for her not to see my “screw driver” as it stood while she offered me the screw driver.

The aroma of the fried Chicken i was percieving gave me the strength i needed to unscrew the nut of the socket.

“i go chop chicken oh” I nearly said.

As i opened the socket, i discovered that it was burnt, and i informed her.

“how much will it cost me to get a new one?” She asked.

“five thousand naira” my tongue slipped.
“five thousand naira is too much for an ordinary socket na” She said.

“sorry! ehnnnnn! I mean five hundred naira” i stammered.

Why i was saying crap at that moment was because i saw her tied a Towel round her s’exy body, it seemed she wanted to go take her bath.

At that moment, my screw driver started screwing it’s way out of my boxers heading to my trouser.

“the original of it is one thousand naira, while the fake is five hundred naira” I informed.

“i will go for the original” She said.

“here is the money, use the rest for transport” She offered me 1500naira.

“i don play this one wayo, socket wey i go buy 300naira nahim i tell her say na 1k” I said to myself.

“why don’t you couple back the spoilt one for now, when you buy the new one you will remove it” She suggested.

“i will” I said, but my eyes were on her a’.ss as she walked to the bathroom.

“if you are through, pls help me close the door” She said as she walked into the bathroom.

I thought she was referring to the bathroom door, so i said, “i will gladly do so”.

When i knew she wasn’t referring to the bathroom door was when she shut it.

I thought of “Flatscreening” but there was no pinhole.

I had totally forgotten i had exposed the n’.aked wires, and without looking, i placed my hand on them.

The shock wasn’t child’s play, my whole body shook unevenly.

Suddenly, something landed on my head, something like a rope.

I removed the “crown” on my head, and saw that it was one of the G’-strings that was initially dangling above my head, the blue one to be precise.

I had seen G’-strings on Tv, but that was the first day i saw it in reality.

“this thing really be like Catapult oh” I said within, as i held the Catapult or rather G’-string with my left hand.

“how this thing go take enter Kate sef, e too small na” I thought i said that within, not knowing i said it out.

“Flow! Who are you talking to?” Kate asked from the bathroom.

“Catapult!!” I mistakenly responded.

“who is Catapult?” She asked.

“Catapult is the make of the socket, i am just saying it so i wouldn’t forget the make and buy another make” I lied.

As i tried raising my hand to hang the Catapult or rather G’-string back to where it fell from, i mistakenly touched the n’.aked wires again, this time i felt heavy breeze blew me to the ground.

“Flow! What is the problem!” Kate was shocked at the noise my falling made.

“nothing, i saw a Cockroach” I answered.
She bent down to pick up the rope and i caught a pictorial view of her a’.ss.

“help me tie it here pls” she pleaded.

As i collected the rope from her, the warmth of her hand increased my blood pressure, my cholesterol level also increased.

I don already full my pocket with c’.ondom, because i had been noticing the “Green light” she always beamed anytime i came around.

She stood close to me, backing me, as i tied the rope, my erected d’ick was evenly stroking her soft a’.ss.

“pls take it easy” she said.

“wetin i go take easy? Na the rope wey i dey tie for up, abi na as my p’rick dey rub you bakassi” I almost said.

“i will” I muttered.

At that moment, i was already losing grip of the rope because of the sweet s£nsat!on my brain was recieving.

I took a panoramic view to see her neat c’.leavage staring at me smiling. I smiled back and assured myself; “am coming for you”.

From all indications, she was ready to give it to me just how i wanted it. If not for anything, but for the cold weather.

“are you through” She muttered.

The perfume she wore smelled nicely that it made my d’ick stood harder.

“almost!” I replied. I was 75% sure i was “almost” close to taking her clothes off.

From above, my hand moved to touch her b’,reast, i thought she would make a statement like; “why did you do that”, instead I heard her giggled.

That was an approval, so i f’,ondled first with my right hand, and then with both hands.

She gave me a hand as i fumbled to remove her gown.

At the sight of her huge b’.reast, i muttered, “my oh my!!”.

My mouth watered for a kiss. I did kissed. I kissed and was lost in the kiss.

The blue light that shone on us made me saw nothing but B’.reast! B’.reast!! B’.reast!!. I saw so many b’.reast like i was seeing double.

I moved a finger to her n’.ipple and tickle it a bit, she m0aned in response, and i removed my T-shirt to reveal my thick chest. And also my seven-packs, which she c’aressed with so much dexterity.
She was neatly shaved down there, while i was a Sahara desert. Her p’.ussy looked so juicy and inviting.

As i removed my trouser, my erected d’ick hurried out of my boxers like a Spring.

As she c’aressed my d’ick, i couldn’t hold back, so i quickly removed a pack of C.’ondom from my trouser pocket and wore it. I no know whether na me dey wear C’.ondon, abi na C’.ondom dey wear me oh.

At that moment, my d’.ick was about 10inches long, and i saw that it seemed her p’.ussy was Speaking Swahili.

She c’aressed my d’ick again as i moved to her, hungry for action. She pushed me, and i lazily landed on a table by the corner.

It was as if i went to the Gym to work out my d’ick before i came to see her that evening, the muscles in my d’ick was as hard as Aso rock.

She climbed me and i held her l’.aps with my both hands so she wouldn’t fall off, breaking my d’ick in the process.

She pounded me like a Yoruba woman would do to Iyan.

Iyan means Pounded Yam. If you think say i dey lie, ask anybody from Ekiti state.

Up and down, she went m0an!ng so loud that i thought someone passing by might hear us.

Nobody would pass by, i was sure, unless of course that person was with an Unbrella because it was raining heavily.

She continued pounding, not minding that the table i sat on was shaky.

I glanced at the door to see that it wasn’t locked, that was less a problem, the main problem at that moment was that i was on the verge of falling off the table.

Her huge pair of b’.reast jumped up and down as she pounded harder, so i thought it right to hold them from pulling off. I started f’.ondling them.

But it seemed my f’.ondling was really hurting her unlike before, she removed my both hands, holding them, making it looked like she was riding a Power Bike.

Her holding my both hands and riding was fun, but i feared that i might fall off the shaky plastic table and one of the high-heel shoes on the floor might pierce through my a’.sshole.

From the table, we moved to the floor. If i was Manchester United and she was Chelsea Fc, the floor was my Old Tradford. Her striker Torres scored a goal on the table because i wasn’t comfortable, while my striker Roney scored a hat-trick on the floor. I won the UEFA Champions league.

My trophy was the bulk of clothes she gave me. Jeans, T-shirts, long sleeves, short sleeves, and even face caps filled the bag.

I collected my Tupaco and Kpatalico Jewelleries money from her and left her Boutique after the rain stopped.

I thought of not taking the clothes home to my stingy friends, but i thought otherwise because there was enough to go round, and because the clothes were strictly “Osho free”.

Osho free means Free of charge.

On my way, i stopped over at an electrical equipment store to buy Kate’s socket.

I know say una been dey think say na Kate i wayah, so i for win the money wey guys bet for her head. Well, sorry to disappoint you guys. That was how it went.