Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 - Episode 47

8 years ago

Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 - Episode 47

As I and Man entered the compound, Mama Ejima and Kate ran into their rooms with a great speed.

“why dem this one dey run na?” I asked Man.

“when we reach house you know” He answered.

“i no blame una, that una Video still dey oh, na this jeans pocket i put the memory card wey the video dey” I dipped my hand into my pocket. To my greatest surprise, the memory card wasn’t in it.

“how this memory card take disappear na? E been dey for my pocket before police arrest me na ” I was sure of that.

“abi e fall comot when those Policemen say make we comot our cloth?” I asked myself.

It was certain Tupac would eat me for breakfast for misplacing his memory card, what wasn’t certain was whether he would eat me raw or cooked.

As i was about stepping into our room, i heard; “Flowey!! Flowey!!” it was a female voice. I initially thought what i heard was; “Flour!! Flour!!” maybe the person was calling a Flour seller.

“i never see where them dey kiri flour before oh” I said to myself. And i turned to see what a Flour seller would look like.

Kiri is not the short form for the name of the prison Kirikiri, it is the Pidgin word said to refer to someone hawking wares on his/her head. That means a Pure water hawker would be referred to as a Pure water “Kirier”, also a Beans hawker would be referred to as Beans “Kirier”.

The person i saw was too beautiful to be a Flour dealer not to talk of a Flour Kirier.

It was the ever b’.reastful Florence.

“how this one take know where i dey stay?” I asked myself, as she walked towards me, she wasn’t walking alone, she walked side by side with her two mighty b’.reast, one on her left and one on her right.

“omoh mehn! This one dey come for wrong time oh” I said within.

She really came at the wrong time. My breath was smelling like soak-away because i had not brushed my teeth for three days, my face was unkept because there was a forest of beard in it, my body was smelling like that of a He-goat, not only that, my skin looked like the skin of someone infected with Chicken pox, the marks of mosquito bites in my skin looked like i had Tatoo all over my body.

“howdy Florence!” I greeted.

“am fine, and u?” She said.

“am fine” I replied.

“am not fine oh” I nearly said.

She smiled and said; “i was calling you before you entered into the compound but you didn’t hear me”.

“why i go hear? You no know say my ear don block” I nearly said.

The kind of heavy slaps Commando landed on my head in the cell not just made me deaf, it made me dumb also.

“you are looking drop dead gorgeous” I complimented.

“thank you, you are looking good too” She said.
“Me wey just dey comot for Police station nahim you dey say i am looking good, clap for yourself” I nearly said.

“i just want to know when you will be bringing more Jewelleries, i have sold almost all the ones with me” She informed.

“am sorry i haven’t come to see you all this while, my company workers are on strike, the workers of my company are on strike over none payment of salary” I said a Big fat lie. Call me Linus Sulieman the Manufacturer of Lies.

“okay, when will you guys call off the strike na?” She fell for my lie.

“we called it off today” I said.

“okay, thats good” She said.

“so i will come see you today, i will supply you today” She caught my eyes staring at her B’.reast.

“pls give me a hug, pls, pls, pls” I nearly said.

“okay, see you in the evening” She turned to leave without giving me the much awaited hug.

Her parting frame was the direct opposite of her B’.reast, it was as flat as my Technical drawing board when i was in secondary school.

“bye bye!” I waved her.

“Flow that your babe fine oh” Tupac walked towards me.

“guy she no fine like that for my eye oh” I responded.

“you blind na” He said.

“na your Papa first blind” I cursed.

“ehennnn! Tupac you don bring another market for necklace abi?” I inquired.

“yes i don bring plenty market, fine fine ones, na yesterday i bring am” He replied.

“okay i go come after make i come take my own necklace” I said as i walked into our room.

All eyes were on me. I saw Brainbox hurriedly left were he sat to seat elsewhere.

“una wicked oh, una no see Me and Man for three days, and una no ask wetin happen to us” I angrily said.

“guy we think say una don die na” Brainbox said.

“na all of una go die, no be us” Man who just came out of the bathroom said.

“guy na true oh, Tupac and Bigie tell us say Policemen shot una gun, una com die, them the Policemen com carry una dead-body go” Baba jay said.

“we dey morn una nahim make we no open Barbing salon for two days” Snoop said.

“you no see say all of us wear black shirt?” Brainbox said.

“yeeeeeeeh! I go kill Tupac and Bigie today” I and Man yelled as we dashed out of the room.

“Bigie e no go better for your Papa? Na you go die” I grabbed his shirt firmly.

“wetin i do na?” He shouted.

“why you tell them Snoop say we don die” I queried.

“na Tupac say make we tell them like that oh, na play na” Bigie cried.

“which kin play be that? Them dey use death play?” I queried.

“God save una say i dey happy today, i for show una wetin make them dey call me Flow” I freed him.

“wetin make them dey call you Flow sef?” I asked myself.

“na because i be strong man na” I told myself.

“dey there dey decieve yourself, you no get Talley like Man, you dey say you be strong man” I heard a voice. I thought it was Bigie’s voice.

“wetin you talk? You dey curse me abi?” I yelled at him.

“i no talk anything oh? How i go curse you” He answered.

Who said that then? I asked myself. Maybe an Angel did. Angel of Talley.

Just then, i saw Man walked towards where we stood.

“so na only me stand here dey hala for Bigie since, this mumu Man no even follow me” I said within.

“but wetin we tell them na true na, una two be like people wey don die” Bigie said and ran.

“na your Papa go die” Man chased him.

“Man leave am na, no pursue am” Immediately i said that, an Iroko tree fell.

Man fell “yakata” to the ground.

Yakata is not a Chinese Name, neither is it the name of a Chinese meal, it is the word said in Pidgin to refer to someone that falls flat to the ground.

I laughed so hard that me too almost fell to the ground.

He turned, and when i saw sand all over his face, my laughter increased. He looked like Lagbaja.

The ringing of my phone brought my laughter to a stop. It was Nas calling.

He told me that second semester had started and that i needed to go register the course i was spilling over.

Before i finished recieving the call, i saw Man walking towards the gate and rubbing off his sandy face.

“Man where you dey go na?” I asked him.

“them say JAMB result don comot, make i go check my own” He answered.

“you baf so?” I needed to ask.

“i no baf, that time wey i enter bathroom, you know wetin i go do there?” Man said.

“wetin you go do there?” I was curious.

“i s’hit for toilet, pack the s’hit with my hand, com rub am for my body, i baf with s’hit” Man said smiling.

“oyibo people dey call am s’hit bath” He laughed.

“i don answer you na? As you sabi ask r’ubbish question, if i no baf e concern you?” He queried.

I asked that not to make a jest of him, but to confirm if what i had about him was true.
Baba Jay once told me that Man hardly took his bath. That the day he took his bath once a day could be regarded as his Birthday. He told me that were it not because Man worked as a Kponkponist, he would had been following his former routine of taking his bath once in two days.

That was true, since we went on Kponkpon break, i noticed he had only taken his bath twice.

Well, Man was an Northerner, partial Northerner though, and Northerners are known enemies of Sponge, Soap and Water. Show me an Northerner that is fair in complexion and i will prove to you that Queen Elizabeth of England is an Ibo woman. An ibo woman from Enugu, with her Ibo name as Elinwamma.

“guy make e be say you pass this JAMB oh, because your mate don finish University oh” Brainbox said.

“if i no pass am nkor? shey na your Papa go pay my school fees?” Man replied.

As Man walked majestically to the gate, i admired his Afarikorodo haircut from behind. What i never knew was that a bottle would be smashed on that head within seconds.

All of a sudden, we saw two people struggled into the compound like Rugby players. One of them was with a bottle, the other was with something that looked like dagger.

“i go shok you dis dagger today” That was Haruna.

“them no born you well, unless you wan die” That was Papa Ejima.

They had torn each other’s cloth, and i saw blood stains on Papa Ejima’s singlet.

They continued fighting like two puppies while I and Brainbox watched like we were watching UEFA Champions league final. Man the “good Samaritan” went to separate them.

Haruna held Papa Ejima firmly not giving him the chance to send his Killer punch to his face and send him to his untimely grave.

Papa Ejima managed to free himself and instead of sending a Killer punch to Haruna’s face, i saw him raised his hand wanting to smash the bottle he held on Haruna’s head.

The bottle wasn’t smashed on Haruna’s head but on Man’s head.

Make una come see Film trick oh! I saw no blood gushing out of Man’s head, neither did i see any wound. My eyes went straight to his thumb, Mr Talley ring seated comfortably there.

Make una see wahala oh! Person wey dem burst bottle for him head begin dey laugh oh.

I was f’.ucking scared. S’hit nearly comot for my nyash. Infact e comot.

Nna mehn!! People wey dey fight sef stop fight dey look Man as him dey laugh.

I had lost a friend to M.adness. Or so i tot.
“Man you bad oh, see as you use your Taley stop that fight wey Papa Ejima and Haruna dey fight that day, guy you get sense no be small” I said to Man two days later.

I was beginning to Love Man, no g’.ayism pls. He could be best described as my brother from another Mother. He had done it all, he had seen it all, and he had also said it all. What more can i say, he was numero uno in all and Sundry. At 24 he had done what a 94years old had not done.

“i just want make them stop the fight nahim make me dey laugh as that bottle land for my head” Man replied.

“but guy i think say you don mad oh, i swear” I said.

“how i go mad?” He answered.

“ehen! wetin you say you score for JAMB sef?” Brainbox asked Man.

“oboy i score 600 oh” He answered.

“ehennn! this your big head nahim you use write JAMB com score 600 out of 400? That means say JAMB dey owe you 200” Brainbox tapped Man on the head.

“guy no ever slap my head again, unless you wan turn to Lizard” Man warned.

“which one be say if person slap you small for head him go turn to Lizard na? Abi your head na Gold?” I queried.

His head really shone like Gold. It was Pure Gold and Egg-shaped. Walking with him, one wouldn’t need to look for a mirror, his head was mirror. Walking with him, one wouldn’t need to also look for a Map, his head was Map of the World.

Man was really scaring me like a wild animal by the day. I saw him as a devil incanate. To make matters worse, he wore a new bald look.

My people make una imagine say person wey him skin black like back of Pot com go barb Afarikorodo style, and that same person na Talley Master, shey you no go dream bad dream if you sleep near the person for night?

So i promised myself i wouldn’t sleep by the side of Man no matter what. It was better i slept outside the room than for me to sleep by the side of a Lord Spiritual.

“I don tell you oh, if you slap my head again, anything wey happen to you, take am like that oh” Man warned.

“okay we don hear, wetin you get for JAMB na?” Tupac asked.

“na my JAMB result be this” He brought out a sheet of paper from his pocket and handed it over to Tupac.

“wetin be him score?” I curiously asked.

“na my JAMB result be this” He brought out a sheet of paper from his pocket and handed it over to Tupac.

“wetin be him score?” I curiously asked.

Tupac smiled and said; “him score na two ninety”. I thought i heard ninety, so i started laughing.

“why you dey laugh na? No be better result?” Man asked.

“you get 90 out of 400 and you dey ask me whether na better result, e be like say you get malaria oh” I said with all the part of my body laughing.

“na your Papa nahim get 90, no be me” He cursed.

“my Papa no write JAMB na” I answered.

“no be 90 you get?” I queried.

“Flow no be 90 him get oh, na 290” Tupac corrected me.

“okay 290, i think say na 90 you talk oh” I said.

“Flow so your prayer na make i get 90 for JAMB abi? you no want my progress, You be my enemy ba?” Man mentioned.

“no na, i no hear wetin Tupac talk well, how i go be your enemy” I said.

How would i find enemity in no one else but Man. Man the “Dibia”. Unless of course i would love to see how life is in the animal world of a Lizard.

Dibia is not referring to a short form of the Surname of the Nigerian Musician Tuface Idibia. What the Yorubas call Babalawo is what the Ibos call Dibia.

“guy you try oh, which school you choose sef?” Bigie asked.

“na FUTO oh” Man answered.

“FUTO na my former school na, me and Tupac rugged that school no be small” Bigie said.

“try make you play Egede oh, na the Game wey we play that time wey we dey there” Tupac advised.

Egede here is not referring to “plaintain” which is “Ogede” in Yoruba language. It is the name members call themselves. What i so loved about members was how they start a conversation when they call themselves on phone, they replace saying “Hello!!” with saying “Egede melody!!”.

“how i go join cult, i dey craze?” Man said.

I was sure he wouldn’t join a cult, he would own a cult. With his Talley talent, he could easily get followers. Or so i tot.

“i wan do all of una well oh” Tupac announced.

He never meant he wanted to dig us a Well, he meant he wanted to buy us food. That was the slang He and Bigie manufactured.

“you be correct man, i dey hungry well well sef” Brainbox said.

“Brainbox you be Natty, you too like food” I said.

Natty isn’t a short form for the name of the American musician Nate Dog(of blessed memory), it was gotten from the name of the award winning glutton Natty in the comedy soap opera; “The Masquerade” featuring Chief Zebrudia.

“make we go chop for Obele eatery na” Man made it sounded like Obele canteen was as beautiful as Crunchies Owerri. Or like it was a Chinese restaurant.

“where be Obele eatery?” Tupac asked.

“when we reach there you go know” was Man’s answer.