Story: Man Wey Dey Reason

Episode 8 years ago

Story: Man Wey Dey Reason

“make we give the salon Masflobtebap cutz, all of us name dey there” Man suggested a name that sound like latin.

“no, make we give am Brain cutz” Brainbox suggested. “which kin name be that one? Na Brain we go dey cut abi na hair” I attacked.

“why don’t we name it Divine favour cutz” Pkc suggested.

“Pkc that one na church name na, no be church we wan open na” Man said.

Left to our selfish suggestions, we would had written a Dictionary that night. Because Baba jay for instance would want the name of the Barber’s shop to be “Baba the Baba”, while Snoop certainly would want it to be named “Snoop Dogg”.

We all sat trying to figure out the best name for our Barber’s shop. In my mind i was thinking of “Flow cutz” as a picture perfect name for the Barber’s shop, i never mentioned it out, because it was centered on the name Flow.

Snoop who had been quiet althrough came up with the most peferred name when he said, “since na all of us join money start the business, and all of us na big boys, make we call am Big Boys cutz”.

The name sounded perfect to me, and i was sure it also sounded perfect to everyone save Pkc. What i wanted hearing from Pkc was “Divine Big Boys cutz”. Yes, we needed Divine prosperity in the business, but we must not add “Divine” to the name for this to come to past.

“ehnnnnn! Thats a nice name” Pkc said what stunned me.

“Pkc you like the name?” I needed to confirm.

“yeah! Its a nice name” He nodded.

“who go dey barb hair for the barbing salon sef?” Man asked.

“na me na!” Baba jay and Snoop said at the same time.

“the two of you can barb well?” Pkc asked.

“i be expert barber, na for barbing salon my Mama born me na” Baba jay said.

Born in the Barber’s shop indeed! And born with epilepsy.

At that moment, i was imagining Baba jay cutting someone’s hair and epilepsy attack struck. There would be two things involved; either customers would stop coming to our Barber’s shop because they would think the owners are demonic, or customers would from that day refuse Baba jay from cutting their hair, i think the latter would be milder.

“what of you Snoop, can you cut hair well?” Pkc asked.

“na for barbing salon i do my six months IT that time wey i dey school na” Snoop answered.

Very funny!! Snoop had previously told us he did his six months Student Industrial Work Experience Scheme(SIWES) in his Cousin’s Barber’s shop at Onitsha.

Talking of funny places one could be attached to for IT, back then in the barracks, our neighbour Brother Wale did his IT not in Zenith bank or Guinness Nigeria but in his mother’s Akara joint.

Brother Wale fried Akara for his mum with so much gusto. He was so humble, and that made him our role model when we were younger. Young boys wanted to be like Brother Wale when they grow up, that was why we added the title “Brother” to his name.

Another reason why we added the title “Brother” to his name was because record had it that he was the first guy in the neighbourhood to be admitted into the University. And he was very brilliant.

If you grew up in the Barracks you will agree with me that everyone is called by his/her name, without respect. Even those that are 15years younger than you will call you by your name, without adding the title “Brother”.

But Brother Wale was an exception because unlike guys of his age that were mostly J.unkies, he was a household name, as parents always used him as an example in advising their s’tubborn children. My mum would never fail to say; “na your mate be Brother Wale oh”, when Brother Wale was 15years older.

Brother Wale works and lives in South Africa as we speak, sorry, as i write.

And don’t ever think Snoop wrote how he cut hair in his Cousin’s Barber’s shop in his Log book, he wasn’t that d.umb.

Brother Wale too wasn’t that d’umb to had written details of how he fried Akara in his Log book.

My bad!! A Log book is a book given to students going on IT to record the daily activities at their place of attachment.

“okay, the both of you will be cutting hair at the barbing salon” Pkc declared.

When two enemies were chosen to cut in the same Barber’s shop, Nsogbu would for sure be the case.

Sorry, i think say na all of una be Ibo, Nsogbu na Wahala, Wahala na Yawa, Yawa na …………………….? Fill in the blank space with the interpretation of Nsogbu in your dialet.

Next morning, at the backyard.

“make una take, na the complete money be this” Mama Ejima handed over what i initially thought was Paper to Man.

“make una delete the video oh, na now i want make una delete am sef” Mama Ejima stated.

“but before we go delete am, i wan tell you one thing oh” I said. “wetin be that?” She asked.

“this thing wey you dey do no good oh, stop am, you get husband for house, if your husband thing no big, you for talk, Man own big well well” I said pointing at Man’s d!ckson.

“e no concern you” She attacked.

“Flow you dey mad oh, my thing and your thing which one big pass?” Man said.

“my p.rick na under 17, your own dey play World Cup” I teased.

“i dey tell you this thing because i like you oh” I said to Mama Ejima.

“Like” wasn’t the right word, “Love” was. I was madly in Love with her. If it was posible for a woman to marry two husbands, i wouldn’t mind being her second husband.

But my problem with her was that she found no handsome hunk amongst us to have f.lings with but a woman like herself.

That reminded me of a female soldier in the barracks that was caught sleeping with a soldier’s wife. The female soldier was dismissed from the Army within 24hours. She was Bianca by name. Bianca was added in the barracks dictionary, it became a slang to refer to L.esbians.

Since i was just 10 then, i never knew any word like L.esbian existed, the word i knew was Bianca. The slang “Bianca” so stuck that i couldn’t believe it when i heard it was a female name.

The name Bianca Eze, i will never forget.

“go and call me Bianca Eze, she is your classmate” Our Maths teacher said to me in his office when i was in JSS1. And i started laughing, laughing like i had inhaled excess laughing gas. To cut the long story short, i recieved 6strokes of cane from the dreaded Maths teacher for laughing at him.

After recieving the 6strokes of cane, he still ordered that i go fetch Bianca Eze. The funniest part of the whole thing is that; although the strokes of cane almost gave me hunchback, i couldn’t hold myself from laughing as i told the class captain that the Maths teacher wanted Bianca Eze in his office.

Even till now as i write, although i now know better, i still find the name “Bianca” funny. No pun intended, if i meet a Lady now and she tells me her name is Bianca, i will first let out a Big Fat laugh, and if she ask why i laughed, the first question i will ask her will be; “Are you a L.esbian?”

Thank God i haven’t met a Lady by that name yet, because she might not find what i will say to her funny at all.

“i dey wait you na, delete the video make i see” Mama Ejima said.
“Man before you go delete the video, first look whether na complete money she give you, confirm whether the money na fake” I said.

While Man counted the money, i moved my hands to c.aress Mama Ejima’s Ikebe.

“remove your hand, you no know say i be married woman?” She struck my hand, almost dislocating my wrist.

“you dey craze, you no know say you be married woman before you go dey sleep with woman like you abi?” I cursed. “Ssssss!! you dey shout, my husband dey around” Mama Ejima cautioned.

“guy the money no complete oh, e remain 1k” Man announced.

“woman you dey joke with us abi, where the remaining 1k?” I queried.

“abeg make una take am like that, na borrow i borrow the money abeg, i no get any money again” Mama Ejima pleaded.

“nahim i wan touch your nyash you dey comot my hand abi?” I said.

“no vex, come touch am, abeg touch am na” She pleaded.

“I no dey touch again, Man make we dey go jor” I said walking away.

“abeg na, make una no vex, abeg una be my broses” Mama Ejima panicked.

Pls don’t look for the word “Broses” in the the English dictionary. If you have a Pidgin dictionary, look for it there. If “Bros” is singular, since we were two, she had to call us “Broses”. You understand?

“una no go delete the Video again?” She cried.

“when your money complete we go delete am” Man answered as we left.

We were feeling on top of the world. What we never knew was that we would soon go through hell.
That evening “Big boys cutz” was commissioned, all thanks to the zealous Baba jay who ran helter-skelter to put things in place.

A heavy Revival was held during the commissioning of the Barber’s shop, all thanks to Pastor Kc and Pastor MOG.

“make una come make we go drink beer to celebrate the Barbing salon wey we open” Man suggested.

“you mean am?” said Bigie. “him mean am na, me and him wan shayo all of una” I said.

Shayo is Yoruba and it means to drink to stupor. The kind of drinking that your five senses would stop working.

“where are you going to dressed like this?” Pkc asked me as i came to change clothes.

“Pkc, i have been called to bar” I answered.

“you never told me you studied Law?” Pkc said.

“Pkc na drinking bar i dey talk, i wan go celebrate the Barbing salon wey we open” I said.

“i thought you are now a Barrister” Pkc said. “yes na, he is a Barrister of drinking bar” MOG teased, and Tega who was operating his laptop laughed.

Of a truth, i looked like a Barrister, as my old face cap looked more like the wig worn by judges in the court of Law.

“drinking responsibly oh” Pkc warned. “yes i will” I answered as i walked out of the room.

Far be it from me to jest about the advert of most beer manufacturers but, is there anything responsible about Drinking? As the last line of their advert would say “Drink Responsibly”. Drinking beer to me is the most irresponsible thing to do. As far as am concern, a bottle will lead to two bottles, two bottles to three, three to four, and after four you would still be tempted to take one for the road, as far as the money is available, and as far as the beer is the Legendary “my friend Udeme”.

We were soon off to the nearest drinking bar, all of us save Tega, and of course Pkc and MOG.

Seated at a bar along the roadside, I ordered, i guess as the Barrister i was.

“Snoop make you and Baba jay try for this Barbing salon, so we go gain oh” Brainbox advised.

“we go try” Snoop assured.

“na tomorrow morning we go start to dey barb, and we go first barb all of una hair” Baba jay informed.

That night Udeme tasted like Honey, so i drank with all dexterity.

If i was a Barrister, then Man was a Senior Advocate of Nigeria(SAN) because he was a bottle ahead of me.

If Man was a SAN, then Snoop was a Chief Justice of a Federal High Court because he was a bottle ahead of him.

If Snoop was a Chief Justice, then Baba jay was a Chief Justice of the Federation because he was a bottle ahead of him.

Brainbox, Tupac and Bigie were all Barristers like me, we were all on our third bottles.

So was the hierarchy.
I think i went to pee at a nearby bush Twelve times that night, or even more.

The Barristers ended up drinking Four bottles each, and one for the road. So you should do the Maths to know how many bottles a SAN, a Chief Justice, and a Chief Justice of the Federation drank.

We staggered home, not as irresponsible Men, but as irresponsible F’ouls. With the Chief Justice of the Federation as the Biggest F’oul. Infact, it would be better calling him Chief Justice of F’ouls.

As we got close to our gate, my phone vibrated, it was a message from Tega.

I could barely read the words, as my eyes saw them upside down. “Man, help me read this message abeg” I gave Man the phone.

“Tega say make me and you no come house say the point 1 of Buccaneers for PolyNekede dey find us, say yawa don gas for me and you” Man told me. I was about laughing, but when i saw the seriousness in Man’s face, i asked, “you serious?”.

“i serious na, make we call Tega” Man said.

Man called Tega albeit severally to confirm that the Point 1 and his boys were in the compound.

point 1 is a slang referring to the head of a cult.

“Mama Ejima and Kate nahim call them for us, we go smell pepper today” I said to myself.

“but wetin una do na?” Brainbox asked. “forget wetin we do, na wetin we go do now you suppose to dey ask” I panicked.

“and Ade no dey, una for go sleep for him house, where una go sleep now?” Baba jay said.

“okay, Baba jay shebi you hold the key of the barbing salon” Man asked. “yes, i hold am, e dey for my pocket” Baba jay answered.

“give me, na for inside the salon me and Flow go stay until dem go, and if dem no gree go, we go sleep there” Man said.

“God forbid! How i go sleep for inside container” I almost said.

“if them ask una where Flow and Man dey, make una tell them say we don travel” I whispered.

Baba jay gave Man the key, and I and Man tiptoed towards the Barber’s shop.

Tega had saved us a big deal. Albeit he was a top Buccaneer member, he loved us more than his fratanal Brothers. Or so i tot.
“Who be Flow, na you be Flow” A voice that sounded like the roaring of a Lion yelled.

“no, no be him be Flow” I heard Kate said.

“guy Kate Brother nahim be the point 1 of Buccaneers” Man whispered as we stayed tranquil in the Barber’s shop.

“na you be Man abi?” The voice yelled. “ehen na the guy voice be that, na Kate brother wey Kate call wey beat Papa Ejima that time wey una never come stay with us” Man said.

“wetin Papa Ejima do Kate na?” I asked. “Him slap Kate, because Kate beat him Children” Man answered.

“we no go leave this place until we see Man and Flow, two of them dey threaten my sister abi?” I heard the same voice said.

“how we go threaten your sister, we dey Mad?” I almost said.

Buccaneer fratanity!! Why i so much disliked the cult was because unlike Baggers, they were mainly spoilt brats, guys that could hardly hurt a fly. But they had access to guns than any other cult, maybe it was because they were connected to the Creme de la Creme of the society.

The first “Chicken lap” i held was given to me by a buccaneer friend of mine back in school.

If you are a glutton, you would be salivating at the mention of “Chicken lap”. It is not food, but Pistol.

I had seen stainless Chicken laps only on TV, but that day i held it live. That day i felt like shooting anything, be it a Dog or a Goat, but never a human being. because i so much believed in the adage; “He that lives by the gun will surely go by the gun”.

Don’t get it twisted, why you see so many “acidental discharge” that kills people, is because many of the people that fires these acidental discharges are people their parents never bought toy guns for when they were kids, people like me.

Talking of toys, the only toy my Dad bought me when i was a kid was an Ape. The toy was so u’gly and old that i wondered if it was a Legacy passed from his Dad to him, and he passed it on to me. Woe betide me to pass it to my kids, i thank God the never say die toy had been long lost.

“Alora!!” was what several voices were saying. Alora!! It sounded like Aloe Vera.

The barber’s shop was hot, very hot. So hot that my sweat could full a bucket.

It wasn’t just hot, it was dark.

I glanced at my phone and saw that it was 10pm. Sleep was around the corner.

“guy wetin we go do na, them no gree go oh” I said. “make we wait small, them go go” Man assured.

Why i so much liked Man was because he always remained hopeful is all situations, if he tells you the Queen of England would celebrate her birthday in Nekede, believe him.
What if these Buccaneer boys discovered we were in this barber’s shop and brought us out? I asked myself. The answer to that is Optional; Option A would be for them to use our flesh for Suya, Option B is for them to Crucify us just like the two thieves that were Crucified by the side of Jesus.

“Man wetin we go do with the video na? Make we delete am abi?” I said to Man.

Not knowing i was talking to the air.

“guy e better make we delete the Video, and make Mama Ejima see say we don delete am, if not, this Buccaneer boys go use us do Kulikuli oh” I said to Man.

Not knowing i was still talking to the air.

When i knew i was actually talking the air was when i heard Man snoring.

“guy you don sleep?” I asked a rheotorical question.

As i put on the screen light of my phone, i saw Man sleeping on the floor with his mouth wide open and saliva dripping out.

“see this mumu don sleep, shey na for here you go sleep” I said.

You see, that was another evident to show that drinking speaks Irresponsibility.

My irresponsible friend Man was asleep, and i was feeling sleepy too.

But the Buccaneers were still much around.

I decided i must sleep, be it as it may. But before i would sleep, i would say a prayer that would protect me from the Buccaneers.

I recited the Lord’s prayer four times, and still made mistakes while reciting it for the fifth time.

Then i prayed; “Angel East, Angel West, Angel North and South, do your best to watch and guard me while i rest” “Amen” I answered.

My eyes saw two mattresses on the floor, Man was lying on one, while the other one awaited me to lie on it.

“who buy two foam put for this shop” I asked myself.

As i landed on the mattress reserved for me, it turned cemented floor miraculously.

“Ahhhhhh!! My head oh my leg oh” I cried, as i fell to the cemented floor like an elephant.

I thanked my stars the Baccaneers never heard me cry.
The ringing of my phone woke me, i recieved the call. It was Pkc asking me where we were, since i dreamt i was sailing in a Ship that was as big as the famous Titanic Ship, and the container we slept in looked like the Ship, i almost told Pkc we were sailing in Titanic Ship.

I could feel the pains of the bruise on my forehead as i stood up. With Man still irresponsibly lying like a log of Iloko tree on the floor. His mouth was still wide open and i saw a Sugar Ant almost crawled into it.

“mumu you no go wake up, Ant go just waka enter your mouth” I tapped him.

I had totally forgotten there was a big mirror in the Barber’s shop, as i turned, the Mirror Image of myself almost made be shouted, “Blood of Jesus”.

The u’gly Image of myself reminded me of “the Beast” in the movie “Beauty and the Beast”.

Legend has it that it is normal for one to be u’gly early in the morning.

So the most beautiful girl in the world would definately be a shadow of herself when she wakes up in the morning. Or so i tot.

“fine boy like me nahim this mirror make me worwor like pig, this mirror dey lie, na fake mirror, i go tell Baba jay make him go change am” I told myself.

I was wondering if “Hang over” was the twin brother to “U.gliness”, because i could feel i had hang over.

I was still baffled at my u’gliness when i heard footsteps walking towards the shop, i heard someone asked, “na inside the shop them dey?”.

“yes na inside the shop i put them” the other voice replied, which was a female voice.

“who put us inside this shop na? na we waka with our leg enter the shop na” i told myself as i looked for where i would hide.

Since the voices weren’t the voices of my guys, i concluded they were the Buccaneers coming to get us.

And maybe offer us as a sacrifice to their gods. Or so i tot.