Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 34

6 years ago

Ade was in the business of miraculously turning those that came to steal money or phones from his shop to either a Goat or a tuber of Yam, depending on which would be best for the person. As for Brainbox, a Goat would be best for him, considering the fact that his gootee gave him a He-Goat look. But one thing was sure, the same Ade that turned someone into a Goat or a tuber of Yam, was the same Ade that would reverse the action.

Ade had gone half way cutting my hair when Judgement day came.

Plural of Ekelebe is Elelebes.

So many Ekelebes stormed the shop.

I felt my heart melting.

“if you move, I shot!!” One of the Policemen brought everybody to a standstill.

“Adewale, you are under arrest for having a hand in the murder of Chief Ogbonna, you have the right to remain silent as anything you say or do will be used against you in the court of law” A Policeman quoted.

One of the Policemen handcuffed Ade.

“Are you all his friends?” A Policeman asked. “no oh!!” We all chorused. “no oh, since wey my Mama born me, na today be the first day wey i dey enter dis barbing salon” Man said fidgety.

I saw from the corner of my eyes that Brainbox drew closer to Ade’s Money drawer. Since i knew what Brainbox was capable of, i concluded that all the money in the drawer were as good as gone.

“All of you leave this shop now, the shop will be locked” One of the Policemen ordered. “but Officer, Ade never barb my hair finish na” I almost said.

I looked at myself in the Mirror, a beast looked back at me. I looked more like Papa Ajasco.

As the shop was locked by one of the Policemen, i cried bitterly because of my funny haircut. “i no fit go house with dis r’ubbish rat chop haircut oh” I said to myself.

“Rat chop” indeed, it really looked like where Rats feasted. I never knew my problem was the least compared to the problems of my friends.

As the Police van zoomed off, i heard, “yeeeeeeh!! my phone dey with Ade and them don arrest am”, That was Bigie.

“yeeeeeeh!! All my Necklace dey inside the shop”, That was Man.
“Brainbox who give you laptop wey you carry?” Man asked. I had totally forgotten Brainbox was with us. I turned toward Brainbox to see that he was holding a very beautiful HP laptop.

“shebi una dey fear Police, me i just carry this laptop for Ade shop, dem the police think say na my laptop wey i dey charge, even sef all the money wey dey Ade shop, i don pack all of them” Brainbox said tapping his pocket lightly.

I noticed how his pocket bulged, with my mouth ajar, I concluded that the money in his both pockets would be enough for each of us to get atleast 5k as tip.

“Brainbox! Brainbox!! Brainbox!!!” we all cheered.
“Brainbox!! But how this boy take thief this kin plenty money, com thief laptop sef, and those Ekelebe no see am” I tot.

If Brainbox were to be in the era of the Notorious robber Lawrence Anini, he would had given Anini a run for his money. Or so i tot.

The sorrows that was formerly read on the faces of Man and Bigie suddenly turned Joy.

“make we enter one beer parlour make i give una una share of the money” Brainbox said.

We got to a Beer parlour to see someone i never expected we would see there. Kate.

Kate and her s’ugar daddy. Non other than the owner of the Block Industry and cement depot close to our site, Chief Levinus.

Very stingy Chief Levinus. He owes his workers salary arrears and still yells at them. He is the perfect description of “Aka gum”. Aka gum means a hand that hardly gives. Little wonder Madam Ifeoma said over her dead body for her to buy cement from his cement depot. He was also a cheat.

We never bothered to say hello to them, because we no wan fall our hand..

We sat down and Brainbox immediately started sharing the money.

We all got 4,500naira each, while Brainbox had about 10k to himself, in addition to the Laptop.

To me, the money was shared perfectly, after all it was an L101 and not an L104. We drank a bottle of beer each, paid and left.

“thank God for this money wey Brainbox give me oh, i go go give Tupac, and i go give am the remaining necklace wey dey with me, i go tell am say i no dey do the business again, say any money wey i owe am make him calculate am, i go dey pay am small small if we start kponkpon work” Man stated.

When i was saying i had saved enough money from the Jeweleries business than from Kponkponeries business, Man’s was saying the opposite.

Man preffered Kponkponeries business to Jeweleries business, i could tell. Well, like they say; “one Man’s meat is another Man’s poison”, or better still; “one Man’s meat is another Flow’s poison”.
We got home to meet a full house, including MOG.

“ehen we have been waiting for you guys” Pkc said. “hope no problem Pkc?” I was surprised.

“no problem, seat down, we just need to talk about something important” Pkc said. “if na house rent una want make we contribute money, i no get money oh, after all e remain 6months wey i go stay here” I tot as i sat down.

“you see, we are brothers, and as brothers, we should do things for our betterment generally and not individually” Pkc begane.

“there is this business idea Baba jay suggested to me few weeks ago, the business is for us to open a barbing salon” Pkc informed.

“how possible is that?” Snoop asked what i wanted asking. “yes it is possible, Baba jay had made inquiries and he will tell us how much it will cost us to start the business” Pkc responded.

“i have prayed over it, and God has approved of the business, so now Baba jay will tell us how much it will cost us and how much each of us is to contribute to the business, we will gain alot from this business i assure you, it is very lucrative” Pkc added. “and one more thing, it is not a must oh, if u are not interested, just back out” Pkc informed.

“Construction and painting of Container: 150,000naira, furnishing of the shop: 35,000naira, buying of other materials in the shop, such as clippers and sound system: 45,000naira” Baba jay read out. “what of Generator na?” Man asked.

“MOG has promised us a Generator” Pkc answered. “what about the rentage of the land we would place the Container?” Tega asked. “we don talk to Haruna, him don tell Landlord, him say make we put the container for near Nkiru shop, free of charge” Baba jay answered.

“so who is in and who is out? If u are in just raise your hand up” Pkc said.

First to raise his hand was Pkc, followed by Baba jay, next was Man, Snoop and Tega raised their hands almost immediately.

I and Brainbox stared at each other for about a minute.

And we finally raised our hands up.

“make una calculate how much wey i go contribute for the business, i wan pay my own now” Brainbox suddenly said as he stood up heading towards the toilet.

I was surprised at the bold steps he took to the Toilet. What i never knew was that the toilet had been his Central Bank lately.
“Brainbox wetin dey that nylon bag?” I asked Brainbox as he came out of the toilet. “na money” He replied as he untied the nylon bag.

“na money wey i don dey save since we start this necklace business” Brainbox said. “na for inside toilet you dey save the money?” Man asked. “yes na” Brainbox answered.

I asked myself where in the toilet his bank might be that nobody ever saw the huge amount of money. So i asked, “where for toilet wey you put the money?”. “na inside that place wey water wey dem dey use flush dey store” He meant the closet where water for flushing is stored.

“as una don know where i dey save money now, i go change to another place” Brainbox added. “na because of Bigie nahim make me hide the money there, i no say nobody for this house be thief” Brainbox said with a smile.

True talk, nobody in the compound steals other than the Notorious BIG and the Brainy Brainbox.

“so Baba jay how much be the total money wey i go contribute for the business?” Brainbox asked. “seven of us go contribute the same amount, so na 33,000naira you go contribute” said Baba jay.

To the surprise of everyone, Brainbox counted 33k out of the toilet money and handed it over to Baba jay. He put the rest into his pocket. The applaud that followed was deafening.

“so one person has paid his complete money, the rest of us has 7days to raise ours” Pkc stated.

“Up NEPA!!” Power was restored. “yeeeeh! Flow which kin rubbish haircut them barb you” Snoop said. Due to how events were unfolding so fast, and due to the fact that it was dark, I had totally forgotten i was still on the rat chop haircut.

“omoh, as Ade dey barb me, naso Police come arrest am say him follow people wey come kill Chief that day” I informed.

“so Ade na MOPO? Nawa oh! Who go send them to kill Chief sef?” Snoop asked the air.
“good! The spirit of Chief is arresting them one by one” said Pkc.

“if we open this barbing salon wey we wan open, who go dey barb people sef?” Brainbox asked as we both walked to Paco’s barber’s shop to finish what Ade started. “i no know oh, wetin i know be say e no fit be Me, or You, or Man, because we go soon go back to our Kponkpon job” I replied.
“Omoh see as customers full Paco salon, that guy dey use Jaz oh” I informed everyone as we got home. “we go fit make am so? Unless we go use Jaz like am oh” Brainbox said. “we are not using any Jaz, God is our Jaz” Pkc said.

“Jaz” here is not reffering to the music genre that originated from the Western world. It means Juju. And “Juju” is also not reffering to the music genre “Afro Juju” that is popular in South western Nigeria. Jaz from the context means using Voodoo to gain customers.

Sleep came. And i fell asleep. I slept on the floor because it was my turn to do so.

I dreamt i married the crowned Most beautiful girl in Nigeria, but as i was about to “enter the place”, someone woke me.

“aaaaah! Tega e no go better for you, na now wey i wan arrange my fine Miss Nigeria wife for my dream, nahim you wake me, you be enemy of progress oh” I cursed.

“guy you don get Malaria be that oh, na person wey get Malaria nahim dey dream dat kin dream, stand up make we pray jor” Tega said, and the whole house laughed at me.

We prayed for about 2hours. Guess what our prayers were centered on? Our proposed business.

To every “Amen” we said, Baba jay responded with a hot fart. I just couldn’t tell if that was his way of saying Amen. Or if his mouth was his a”ss and vice versa.

What i could tell was that the stench the fart produced caused a royal rumble in my stomach.

As we sat under the mango tree, “nna mehn! Baba jay we dey pray you dey mess, u no dey respect God oh” Man suddenly said. “i think say na only me hear the mess wey him scatter oh” I said. “guy, Baba jay finish me with mess no be small, u know say na me sidon near am, him mess make my eye red like person wey smoke Igboh” Brainbox said. “the mess even make Pkc forget prayer point wey him wan talk” I said that because Pkc wasn’t close by.

“all of una for come sellotape my nyash make i no mess na” Baba jay said.

“even if we sellotape your nyash, your mess go tear the sellotape” Snoop said and we laughed beyond control.

From talking about Baba jay’s messopotania, we started arguing about how expensive Chief Levinus’s car that was parked outside could be.

What we never knew was that, the windscreen of the car would be smashed in a matter of minutes, not only that, we never knew we would all watch a live b’lue film in a matter of minutes also.

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