A Lady walked into the compound. Rather a woman walked into the compound.
I said so because there are some females that are better called Women than Ladies. What would you call a wrapper tying female? A Lady?
Little wonder Fela of blessed memory sang that African women would prefer being called Ladies than Women.
The wrinkles all around the face of the Woman or rather Lady reminded me of my grandmum.
If the opposite of Catwalk is Elephantwalk. Then she Elephantwalked into the compound with a pale look.
For a moment, i looked towards Mama Ejima who was keenly watching the Lady as she walked in.
Mehn! How i wished Mama Ejima wasn’t married to a boxer, i would had married her. She was my picture perfect dream wife.
I could still win her heart. Or so i tot.
I could win her heart after beating Papa Ejima in the boxing ring. That would never happen even if the great Mohammed Ali were to be my coach.
I was still admiring Mama Ejima when i heard, “graaaaaaagauuuuun”, i turned to see that the fine Lexus Jeep was now a shadow of itself.
As the Lady dashed into Kate’s room, We all wondered who she might be. I noticed Mama Ejima was laughing noisily. “wetin funny wey make this one dey laugh?” I asked myself.
Before i could say Wale Adenuga, i saw the Lady dragged Kate outside with Kate wearing just a B’ra and a b’ombshot. Kate was initially pleading with the Lady, but as she saw that we were watching them like a movie, she started yelling and raining abuses on her.
If abuses were Rain, then it was raining Cat and Dog. I heard Kate calling the Lady a p”rostitute, when it was clear Kate was the cat’s whiskers in the p”rostitution world.
At that moment, it dawned on me that the Lady was Chief Levinus’s Wife.
One thing lead to another, and they started fighting. Baba jay stood to go seperate the fight, but Man dragged him back saying, “wetin concern you, leave them make them fight make we watch jor”.
Daniel and David that were playing football close to where they were fighting ran towards us, I held Daniel and Man held David.
All of a sudden, the Finger or rather the Claws of Chief’s wife grabbed and tore Kate’s B’ra to reveal her standing B”reast.
I saw that coming, because the claws of most ladies are far longer than that of a Cat, or even a Lion.
Kids will always be Kids. As David saw Kate’s B”reast that stood at attention, he asked Man, “Uncle what is that?”. “those are Oranges” Man answered the kid.
As Mama Ejima heard that, she yelled at her kids and they ran in.
Before i could say Wale Adenuga again, i saw that Kate had reciprocated by tearing Chief’s wife blouse and B’ra and exposing her B”reast.
Was it a B”reast show? Or was it their plan to entertain us? I asked myself as we were laughing like we were being entertained by Mr Bean.
Had David saw Chief’s wife b”reast and asked what they were, i would had answered that there were two seeds of Groundnut. They really looked like seeds of Groundnut, the fried one.
Chief’s wife fumbled as she held her wrapper firmly. My prayer was for her wrapper not to unwrap and expose what i never planned seeing. because i never wanted to see what would cause me a nightmare.
Suddenly, Pkc and MOG came out, and Pkc said, “so you guys are here watching them fight?”. “Pkc wetin you want make we do na” Man said.
As Pkc and MOG ran to seperate the fight, i saw that Tupac joined them. And Tega too.
I knew that the reason behind Tupac and Tega joining them to seperate the fight wasn’t to seperate the fight per se, but to tap current. Electric current.
My eyes swayed to the car, what i saw surprised me.
Brainbox was inside the car, while Bigie stood by the door of the car.
It instantly dawned on me that they had something up their sleeves. They were L102ing Chief’s car.
How on earth did Brainbox enter the car?
Oh my world!! I recalled that Bigie had told us some days back that he bought this glass cutter that could cut the glass of a car without making a noise.
Bigie was measuring up to international standards, you know.
I looked keenly and saw that they had cut the glass. Maybe they opened the door from inside by passing their hand through the opening they made. But my question was; wouldn’t the glass injure them?
Injury was what Brainbox could go through to make money. Afterall they say; “make money or die trying”.
Within split of a second, they were through with their L102 and they left.
I saw Chief Levinus dashed out of Kate’s room, entered his car and drove off without even looking at the damages his wife and the L102ers had done to his precious car.
My question at that moment was; who informed Chief’s wife that he passed the night with Kate’s? Maybe there was an informant.
Mama Ejima brought a wrapper to cover Chief’s wife n’akedness and said, “na a’shawo she be, naso she go dey sleep with people wife”. I concluded she was the informant— abi wetin una think?
“Man see money wey dem this bad guys thief for Chief motor oh, Dollars!” I said, as I, Man, Tupac, Bigie, and Brainbox sat in Bigie’s room admiring the Dollar notes that evening.
“but guy una bad oh, how una take open the motor sef?” Tupac asked. “na God do am oh” Bigie answered.
“haba! shey God dey help person thief?” I queried.
My eyes were totally fixed on the Dollar notes.
I so much admired the Dollar notes because since i was born, that was the first day i saw Dollar notes live.
I had seen it on Tv severally, but that was my first day of seeing it Live and Direct. I took one of the notes to feel its texture for the first time in my life.
“guy see as you dey look the money, abi you never see Dollar before?” Bigie said, smiling to reveal his gap teeth. That was my first day of noticing Bigie had slight gap teeth.
“me wey i don see Dollar tayah, my papa dey give us Dollar make we take buy biscuit when we small” I teased.
I wasn’t even sure my Dad had seen Dollar since he was born. Okay, he had seen it once, when he went for United Nation peace keeping in Liberia. He not only saw it, he owned it.
I know as you read this, you would say; “Flow is from a poor home!”. Well, you are not far from the truth.
We were so poor that we had two TVs; one for picture, one for sound. And when the TV that produced picture spoilt, we had to make do with the TV that produced sound.
We were so poor that when my rich friends asked me what my favorite food was, my answer was Beans and Bread(B and B).
We were so poor that i thought munching soaked Garri was the same as taking Corn Flakes.
We were so poor that Lunch was Dinner.
We were so poor that i grew pot belly at age seven.
But now Levels don change sha. Baba God noni.
“guys na to enter Ama Hausa go change this Dollar to Naira oh” Tupac suggested, “make una go wear cloth make all of us go na” said Bigie.
Ama Hausa! Oh Ama Hausa!! Ama Hausa literally means Home for Hausas or Northerners.
In Ama Hausa, you could change Dollar to Naira. Infact, you could change to any currency in the world. Bureau de Change was it.
If that was all, the place wouldn’t had been dreaded. In Ama Hausa, you could buy and sell anything in the world, even human head.
You could buy things ranging from Suya, to Wrapper, to Phone, to laptop, to Igboh, to human tongue, to human s’crotum, just name it. Infact sometimes i wondered if their delicious Suya was human parts.
One thing for sure, in every State in Nigeria, there must be an Ama Hausa. Maybe it is not known by that name, but i assure you, there must be an Ama Hausa.
Infact, i can categorically say that, in every Country in the World, there must be an Ama Hausa, be it Jamaica, be it Russia. Because like they say; “Northerner dey everywhere”.
On our way to the bus stop to board a bus that would take us to Ama Hausa, “guy i don f”uck up oh, how i go carry my phone dey go Ama Hausa, i dey craze?” Tupac said. “na true oh, me too i carry my wallet and phone” I said. And I and Tupac ran to keep our phones and wallets at home.
We going to keep our phones and wallets at home, was a very wise decision.
Infact, if it were to be possible to keep my S’crotum at home, i would had done so, because Ama Hausa had a history of magnetizing people’s S’crotum and P’enis.
Many S’crotum and P’enis had gone, more would sure join, but not mine.
“The sun rises in the East and set in the West” goes the cliche. The town of Owerri shone like the Sun just rose that Evening.
“make una leave me make i speak Hausa with them the Mallam oh” Man cautioned.
As we crossed to the other side of the road to meet the Northerner or rather Mallam that did bureau de change, i said a little prayer for the P’enis of any of us not to fly away.
“okay, Bigie bring the Dollars” Man collected the Dollar notes from Bigie and handed it over to a Mallam.
“guy you go chop Suya? Make we go buy Suya na” Brainbox suggested. “guy make we go, i dey like Ama Hausa Suya” I agreed.
“guy una no know where una dey so? Una go find una p’rick oh, e be like say una no like una p’rick oh” Tupac warned. Tupac unlike the Notorious BIG was so lily livered.
“so because we dey Ama Hausa, make we no chop Suya again” Brainbox said and we both walked to the Suya Stand.
If there were “double-decker” Suya stands anywhere in the world, then it could be found only in Ama Hausa.
There were so many beautiful double-decker Suya stands that just staring at them filled my stomach.
“Mallam we wan buy suya” Brainbox said, “how much Suya I wan buy?” The Mallam asked. “no be you wan buy Suya, na us” I almost said.
“300naira own” Brainbox answered.
“we fit taste am?” he asked further.
As Brainbox asked that, i saw the face of the Mallam clearly for the first time. His beard was very scary. He look more like Osama Bin Ladin. Infact, his beard was longer and bushier than that of Osama, that i wondered if it could contain wild animals.
He offered us two chunks of meat to taste. Mine looked more like a Fallopian tube.
The meat was so delicious that i almost chewed my tongue along with it.
“Brainbox make am 500naira own, i go give you 200naira” I said, contemplating of even telling him to order for a 1000naira meat; 500naira for me, 500naira for him.
“Mallam make am 500naira own” Brainbox ordered.
He gave us the 500naira Suya, we paid and left.
There was no way we could possibly share 500naira Suya with our friends, so Brainbox suggested we sat in a nearby shop where soft drinks were sold.
The shop we entered was an eyesore.
The surrounding was so dirty that, if the population of the flies that flew around were taken, it would amount to over One million. The floor of the shop was also flooded with what looked like Urine.
Nevertheless, we sat in the shop and Brainbox ordered for two bottles of the Legendary Coca cola.
Since the shop reeked of urine, the Legendary Coca cola tasted like urine as i drank.
As we started munching the chunks of meat, i saw a cockroach crawling towards my chair. “why Hausa people dirty like dis?” I asked myself, as i ignored the cockroach.
I never knew my ignoring the cockroach would bag me sorrows and pains.
“guy pepper full this Suya oh” Brainbox noticed. “na true, the Malam pack plenty pepper full am” I agreed.
The Suya was peppery and hot.
I loved the sweetness of the pepper, so i took a lot of pepper with every chunk.
Soon my right hand was infested with pepper, it was as if i wore a glove.
Suddenly, i felt something tingling in my l’ap. I concluded it was my imagination, so i ignored it.
The tingling feelings moved to my b’alls, and it was hurting me this time around.
“yeeeeeh, my p’rick oh, my p’rick” I cried bitterly as i dipped my right hand into my trouser to know what was causing me such pain.
After moving my hand to the cardinal points of my P’enis, lo and behold my hand held a cockroach. I quickly crushed the cockroach without thinking twice.
“na dis mumu cockroach oh” I said, as i threw away the remains of the cockroach. “the cockroach no get respect for elders” Brainbox teased.
I realized Brianbox was two pieces of meat ahead of me, so i hastily grabbed two mighty chunks and threw it into my mouth.
As i was about sending home the pieces of meat i was chewing with a sip from my bottle of Coca cola, i noticed there was a whitish liquid on my index finger.
I concluded the whitish liquid could be from the Suya, so my tongue did the job of rubbing the liquid off.
The liquid tasted like phlegm.
I glanced at the floor to notice that the cockroach was moving partially.
I also noticed that the cockroach had a whitish liquid in it’s a’nus area.
That was when it dawned on me that i just swallowed either cockroach poo or cockroach pee, or a combination of both.
Suddenly i begane to feel something peppery in my b’alls.
My b’alls were responding to the pepper i had baptized it with. Not only my b’alls, my entire thigh.
“aaaaaaaaaaaaah! My p’rick oh, my p’rick oh” I cried bitterly.
I felt a vibration in my b’alls that i thought the pepper had c’astrated me.
I couldn’t hold the pain any longer, so i was shaking on my chair like a Jelly fish.
And it seemed my chair also couldn’t hold my shaking any longer, so it sent me landing to the floor.
Had i landed on a mattress, i would had been glad. But i landed on a urine flooded floor.