Karma - S01 E24

6 months ago

Karma - S01 E24

Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 24

I was already regretting being here. It had been years of absence. I feel lost as I watch everyone move around, trying to help and console, but all I feel is bone-deep numbness. Like a tent pole with all the ropes cut. I can’t move without feeling wobbling. Guilt is eating me up for what was left unsaid or unmended with my grandmother.

She was more than my grandmother, she took the role of a mother after my biological mother left. She loved me and held my hand when i felt lost. She was there after my divorce, didn’t judge or love me less. I miss her, i wish i could hear her voice again and hold her hand. The only relieve i have are the people that fill the room, at least even in my absence she was surrounded by her people.

“I remember you,” Bella steps in front of me, “What are you doing here?”

“Katerina!” My aunt, She is the eldest daughter, then my mother and three boys.

I am surprised to see her, She looks so much different compared to the last time i saw her. She is thinner and seems like life hasn’t been good to her.

“Hi, aunt.” I answer.

“Aunt? You know her?” Bella asks.

“Do you know each other?” My aunt asks in confusion.

“We have crossed paths severally, can someone explain to me.” Bella insists.

“She is your mother’s daughter.” My aunt finally says.

I see Bella’s eyes widen, she is in total paralysis like the information that she has just received is lost on her, She blinks severally, unable to talk when she finally does she asks perplexed, “My mother doesn’t have another child, you must be lying. Is that why you were stalking me?”

“There is no one lying here except our mother.” It is long since i used that term, it is new and leaves a stale taste after.

Bella turns, her eyes frantically searching for someone and she finally settles on a slender woman dressed in a black dress. She has her back on us but i can tell it is her. I have never forgotten her form, her voice, laughter and the anger she always held towards me.

“Mum!” Bella calls out and when she finally turns i find it hard to breath. I turn my face away, anxious of what is about to happen, i will be face to face with my mother after twenty one years. I am conflicted, i want to escape and not face the pain i have carried all those year, and i also want to stay and be near her, see her again, hear her voice and i hope she acknowledges me. I hope, i have hoped for too long.

It feels like eternity as she walks to us, i wonder if she will recognize me, did i turn out as she expected? Did she ever wonder how i was? This moment feels so surreal, like a dream. Yet it pains me that it is happening and it turns to anger, that she left me and i remember cleaning my father’s room where i came across her article. She is a reporter and has a column in a national newspaper where she wrote about family and parenthood. I cried as i read what she had written about me before she left for good. This paragraph stuck with me.

I don’t want my daughter; she is a bother, a burden, and an unwelcome guest in my home. She’s like a sharp thorn in the sole of my foot. I can’t stand her; I don’t see her as my child and treat her the same as everyone else. I don’t love my daughter, and I’m sick of being hurt.

It was a lengthy article that elicited mixed reactions from readers. However, the only reaction I elicited was pain, hurt, and the feeling that I was so worthless that even my mother didn’t want me.

When i lift my head she is in front of us, her eyes glare at me before recognition takes over. She gasps and takes a step back to steady herself. She is as beautiful as i remember her. I wait for her to say something, an apology or even hug me. But the look on her face tells me that will never happen. I feel like i am in double funeral, with the sense of loss that comes with second rejection from my mother.

“Mum?” Bella calls out cautiously, “Who is she?” She asks.

“Why are you here?” My estranged mother asks and i feel a sting to my chest.

“I...” I am dumbfounded. “Why?” I get to ask the only thing that i have carried with me over the years.

She looks annoyed and enraged, it is a familiar expression. An expression that would make me hide under the bed if i ever did a mistake. She hated me and she would release her hate on me at any opportunity. And all those moments made me more needy, i would try harder for her approval, to get those rare hugs she gave me in her good days.

“Because you came from him,” She answers referring to my father.

“But i came from you too, why could you not love me for that?” I ask and wipe a tear. I don’t hide them, i no longer want to.

“I just can’t.” She states.

“That is not enough, mother.” I say slowly and painfully.

“That is all you are going to get. I see you turned out okay,” She answers.

“Mum how can you say all that to your daughter, my sister?” Bella asks.

“Stay out of this Bella, go to your brothers and don’t dare utter anything about this.” My mother warns my half sister.

Bella gives me a final sad glance and leaves.

“And you, stay away from my children,” She warns. Her soul has no remorse for abandoning me and i cannot understand what as an eight year old did to make her hate me this much. I wish there was something i could do just for her to love me for a second.

I turn and rush out with tears falling.