Take me Home - S01 E39

2 years ago

Take me Home - S01 E39

Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 39

A week had passed and not much had changed in Jade's life. She still wasn't talking to Marcus and she had stopped going to her OT appointment. She tried to keep busy but struggled day to day to find the motivation to do anything. She spent most of the week in bed. She did venture out for lunch with her father the other day, but even that was a struggle to find something to talk about in her life that was worth sharing.

So today she sat in the foyer and wrung her hands together waiting to be seen. Her heart was racing, and she felt like she was going to be sick. She tried to look indifferent as she waited so to pass the time she studied the foyer. She took note of the plant sitting in the corner and how the leaves looked to green to be real and how the leaves had the perfect amount of wilt to not seem dead or alive.

She took note of the reception lady who always seemed to be smiling as the soft sound of the radio played in the background. She took note of the light grey carpet and wondered what each fibre would feel like between her toes. Would it feel rough? Would it feel soft? Questions she knew she would never get answered.

"Jade." She looked up to see Helen smiling at her and she rolled herself into the office she had been in many times. Looking around the place was the same as last time, but it felt different. Jade didn't know if it was because she felt different or if space had changed much like everything in her life. She wasn't sure what it was, but she felt like she was entering a foreign place she had never been.

"I am glad to see you, Jade, a little surprised that you booked an appointment, but glad to see you." Jade tried to smile at Helen, she felt the corner of her mouth turn up, but it was a sad excuse of a smile and she knew it, but it was the best she could give.

"So, Jade, what bought you in today," Helen asked as she closed the door and took a seat across from Jade. She looked down at her damaged hands and sighed. She wasn't sure where to start. There was so much she wanted to say, but she felt like she couldn't say anything.

"I'm struggling." She all but whispered, scared to admit that she was having trouble adjusting. She felt like she was committing a crime by admitting it and felt as if she was waiting for someone anyone to strike her down for even voicing her concern.

"What is it you are struggling with Jade?" Helen put her pen and book on the table beside her and leant forward with a soft and encouraging smile on her face.

"Everything. I'm struggling with connecting, not just to people, but the world, me. I'm struggling with all this and everything inside." She pointed to her whole damaged body as she spoke so softly like the broken person she was.

"Struggling to connect is common with people with PTSD. Studies have found that war veterans especially, struggle to connect after tours." Jade nodded. She knew this, but she was still struggling. She felt like she was trying, but it took so much effort to do so.

"How about we start with people. What people in your life are you struggling to connect with?" Jade sighed and looked towards the ceiling running her hands through her long brown hair.

"My family, Marcus, my very few friends." Jade looked at Helen who nodded at her and hummed knowing she wanted Jade to elaborate a little.

"I feel so disconnected to my family. Before I left things were good and since I came back. I don't know. It feels like I don't know how to react around them. I find myself having nothing to talk about and when I do it's so tiring, trying to keep up a relationship, I wonder if it's better if I just cut them loose." Jade looked at Helen and shrugged not sure how to elaborate on how she was feeling.

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"Do you feel the same about Marcus? That it would be easier to cut him loose then try to work things out?" Jade roughly rubbed her hands over her face before lightly tugging at her hair.

"I don't know. Maybe. With Marcus its different than my family. My family, I feel like they don't know how to act around me. With Marcus he does, and he understands probably better than anyone, but I can't connect. I am always fighting with him and I'm struggling to find that connection again. I'm struggling to feel any emotions aside from guilt and extreme sadness. I feel like I'm not meant to be here, like this body isn't mine and this life isn't mine and I want it to end. It's like everything is bubbling and not like a simmer, but a full boil and everything just keeps spilling out and I feel like it is never going to end. I hate relying on so many things and my life is changing and I'm not keeping up."

Jade rubbed her eyes that were starting to tear up. Helen reached beside her to the box of tissues she kept handy and passed them to Jade who couldn't hold the tears back any longer as they began to flow and so did the words out of her mouth.

"Everything seems to take so much effort and I feel like everything would be easier if I was just gone. It's so fucking selfish I know. I know I would be hurting those who love me, but I want to be selfish, do you understand. I don't want to be suffering for the rest of my life. I can't see an end goal anymore. I don't see myself getting married, or having a job when I look to my future I see nothing, and I want it to end."

Helen reached forward and gently grabbed Jade's hands and gave them a reassuring squeeze. Jade took one hand away to rub her eyes again and then the other the blow she clogged up nose. Her upper body was shaking with sobs and she tried breathing to calm herself back down. Helen waited until Jade had settled before she began to talk.

"Jade what you are feeling is something we call survivors guilt. You feel guilty to be alive and that is okay. It is okay to be a bit broken Jade and it's not a sign of weakness to ask for help. Your struggle to connect might have something to do with your childhood and is being amplified now due to brain injuries and all the changes occurring. I suggest you find a constant. Something in your life that isn't going to change, and you work towards that to start. It could be something as small as cooking a meal each day, but you find something, and you make that your main focus. Forget everything else and focus on that one thing." Jade nodded her head as she tried to think of something. Helen reached over to her desk and grabbed a piece of paper and passed it to Jade.

"A list of idea's if you are struggling. I would also like to suggest maybe some family counselling. You don't have to decide today, but it might be helpful for your recovery if you and your family came in to have a talk. Try and help you connect with them again." Jade nodded her head and blew her nose again.

"I'll think about it." Helen wrote that down and tapped her pen on her paper as if she was thinking if she should ask the next question.

"With Marcus, would you like to work on your relationship with him." Jade frowned. She wasn't sure. It was confusing her. Some days she wished for more than anything that Marcus was around and other days she wished to never see him again. She felt like their whole relationship has been this up and down rollercoaster and she wasn't sure if she wanted to get off or not.

"I have another colleague who deals with relationships, particularly those struggling to connect with one another. It would be a conflict of interest for me to couple council you if you wanted as I both see you personally, but if it's something you want to work towards, here is his number." Jade accepted the card and flipped it over. 1

"Thank you," Jade said softly and looked up to Helen with sadness in her eyes. Helen always struggled to gauge Jades emotions, but today they were written all over her face. It made it easy for her as she could read Jade better.

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"How about we catch up in a few days? I can stop by for a home visit if you would like if it suited you better." Jade thought about it, but she would rather come in. Something about the office made her feel safe like she could express herself without judgement.

"I don't mind coming in." Helen nodded and walked towards the door and opened it up for Jade.

"We schedule for 3 days' time. Does that sound good." Jade nodded her head as she began to wheel herself out. She wheeled herself over to the reception lady who gave her a bright happy smile. She booked in another appointment and gave a small wave before adventuring outside. Jade called a taxi that had wheelchair access, so she didn't have to worry about trying to get in and out herself.

The whole ride home Jade was lost inside her head. She wasn't sure what she wanted with Marcus. She wasn't sure what she was feeling towards him. She knew she was attracted to him, but beyond those basic instincts, she was unsure. She tried hard to imagine what a life with him would be like and she came up with nothing because whenever she thought about the future she saw nothing, but darkness.

They arrived at her place and the driver pulled down the ramp and bid Jade farewell. She felt like smiling was a lot of effort, so she nodded her head and pushed herself inside her apartment. Someone was coming out and Jade was lucky as they held the door open for her. She rolled her way in and went to the lift and waited for it to arrive. As she caught the lift it didn't take long until she found herself at the front door of Marcus's place.

She was unsure if she should knock or just go home. She raised her hand but lowered it at the last minute. She looked down at her hands and the card in her pocket felt heavier than it was. She felt it was screaming at her to give it a try, but what was the point. When she couldn't see him in her future or anyone for that matter.

Marcus was at home working on some work papers when there was a knock at his door. He frowned because he knew Marco had a key and he wasn't expecting anyone. He stood up slowly and stretched his arms above his head trying to work out the sore tender muscles from training earlier that morning.

He walked over the door and when he opened it he was beyond surprised.

"Hi," Jade said softly, and Marcus had to blink a few times to make sure she was really in front of him.

"Hi. Is everything alright?" Jade looked up at him and he felt all his breath leave his body. She looked tired. She had dark purple circles under her sad and tired eyes. Her skin was pale and looked like she had lost weight. Her hair was tied up on her head in a messy bun that was falling out all over the place. She still looked beautiful in his eyes, but she was a beautiful mess.

"Can I come in?" She fidgeted with her hands and Marcus held the door wide open and let Jade wheel herself in. This past week Marcus had been busy with work. He had to go to base a few times during the week, but mostly he was working from home. He knew Jade was still pissed at him for not telling her he was going back to work so he kept his distance.

He had been meaning to check in on her, but he had been busy and when he finally did have a spare moment it was too late or too early in the morning even though he knew Jade was an early riser. He kept in touch with her father who had seen her during the week a few times, but other than that he hadn't heard or seen Jade.

He watched as Jade pushed herself slowly into the lounge room and put on her breaks in front of the tv. He walked around and sat on the couch and watched as Jade played with the ends of her t-shirt.

"I saw Helen today." She said still not looking at him and Marcus was glad because the look on his face was one of shock. He went to go say something but found that he had nothing to say. He was at lost for words so he swallowed the lump in his throat.

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"I wanted to say I'm sorry." Jade looked up at Marcus with tears in her eyes and Marcus thought this was it. This was the end. He wanted to say something, anything to tell Jade not to say her next few words, but he found himself unable to talk.

"What for?" He managed to crock out as he waited for the words that would break his heart. 1

"For putting you through so much trouble. I have been a bitch and I'm sorry. I was using you as an outlet for my anger and I was lashing out at you and I'm sorry." She wiped her eyes and Marcus took a deep breath.

"It's alright Jade. The last few months have been hard." She nodded her head and look down at her hands again. Jade started picking at her nails an old habit she used to have as a child.

"I want to try. I want to try us, but I'm having trouble you know, connecting. It not just you but people in general. I don't know how to be with people let alone a relationship." She dug into her pocket and Marcus waited as she passed him a card with a name and number on it.

"Helen said we could try couples therapy. If you don't want it's okay, don't feel pressured to do so." Jade finally looked at Marcus and she wasn't sure what she expected to see. He was still looking at the card as he turned it over in his hands. She knew this was probably a stupid idea, but even though she didn't see anything in her future, she knew she didn't want to be alone.

"Jade. I would love to try." He expected a smile from her instead he just got a blank expression and he knew something else was going on. So, he grabbed her hands and started gently giving them a squeeze hoping me could open up just a little.

"I don't see a future." She confessed. She wasn't sure why, but she felt like he needed to know if he was going to commit that despite all the help they might get it might be all for nothing.

"What do you mean?" He asked nervously about what it meant because with Jade it could mean anything.

"Exactly that. When I think about my future I don't see anything. All I see is blackness and it scares me. It scares me that I am going to become this lonely void, and I'm am tired of being alone." She started crying again and she couldn't stop it. Her emotions were all over the place. A combination of medication and a brain injury and she was a bubbling mess. She tried to breathe but found her nose clogging up again. Her eyes stung from the tears and her face became blotchy like it always did when she cried.

"Oh Jade, come here." Marcus picked Jade up and put her on the couch next to him and wrapped his arms around her shoulder and kissed the top of her head while she cried. Neither of them said anything as Jade cried.

Eventually Jade lied her head on his lap once she had calmed down. The tissue in her hand was wet with tears and snot and her skin was clammy. Marcus gently ran his fingers through her hair as she clutched that damp tissue to her chest.

"You okay Jade?" He asked as he continued to run his fingers through her hair. It needed a wash as he could feel the oils clinging to his fingers, but he didn't care. Jade didn't say anything, but Marcus felt her body start to relax and her eyes started to close.

"How about I run you a nice bath?" Jade rolled over, so she could see her face and nodded. Marcus lent down and placed a gentle kiss on the top of her forehead and gently moved and stood up. He watched as Jade curled back into the couch as he went to run a bath. As Jade waited she closed her eyes suddenly very tired with the emotional stress that the day had bought about. She tried to keep her eyes open, but they felt so heavy. She was unaware of how much time had passed and opened her eyes again when Marcus picked her up and carried her to the bathroom.

Her body was limp as Marcus helped her undress and put her in the warm bath. He noticed she had lost weight and knew once she had a bath he was going to cook her something that had a lot of carbs and protein in it. He went to leave and give Jade the space she needed when she reached out and grabbed his hand.

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"Please don't leave." She whispered as she gripped his hand tightly. She didn't want to be alone, she felt too raw to be left alone with her own thoughts. Marcus nodded his head and went to grab a stool, but Jade tugged his hand towards the bath. 1

"Jade." He groaned out knowing it was not a good idea if he got in as well.

"Please." She whispered again. She wanted to explain why she needed him, but she couldn't, so she tried to beg with her eyes that she needed human contact to make sure she was here, and she was grounded.

Marcus looked at Jade's pleading face and knew he would most likely regret this later, but he nodded his head taking a deep breath and started to think of dead puppies and kittens. Jade watched as his muscles rippled as he lifted his shirt up and over his head. Jade expected to feel a thrill of excitement to course through her body, instead, she felt nothing. The longer she stared at his chiselled tanned body and waited for that excitement to zip through her body the more disappointed she became. 10

"A picture would last longer." Marcus chuckled to himself as he stepped out of his pants. He stood there in nothing but his clad white underwear and scratched his head at the way Jade was staring at him. He wasn't self-conscious about his body because he knew he looked like a fucking god, but the way Jade was staring at him made him feel raw like she was staring into his soul.

"You sure this is a good idea." Jade nodded her head and looked at her hands skimming the water as Marcus shred the last of his clothing and stepped into the bath with Jade. Water rushed over the side at the extra body that had joined, and Marcus moved Jade around until she was sitting between his legs. 2

Jade again waited to feel something, anything as Marcus's wet skin pressed against hers, but she just felt this blankness.

Marcus was stiff, he didn't want to move or breathe. He wished for a moment like this thousands of times, but this was so much different then he imagined. Jade felt so detached that when she finally leaned her back into his chest he wasn't expecting the emotions he thought he would be. Jade continued to run her hands on top of the water and after some time Marcus finally relaxed into the bath with Jade.

Marcus was unsure of where to put his hands. He knew where he wanted to put them and knew all the soft spots of Jade he wanted to stroke, but he found himself placing his hands on the side of the bathtub. Jade ran her wet hands through her hair realising it needed a wash. She tried to conjure up any emotion, to feel anything, but all she felt was nothing and detachment.

Marcus leaned his head back and rested it on the lip of the bathtub and stiffened up when Jade grabbed his hands and placed them on her naked wet hips. He thought he was going to die of a heart attack as Jade kept her soft hands over his.

"Touch me please." She whispered in that soft delicate voice he knew he couldn't say no to.

"Jade I don't think it's a good idea." His head was thinking, but his other head had a completely different idea. 2

"Please." She whispered again and moved her hands, so they were floating on the of the water again. Jade closed her eyes and leaned her head back into his warm hard chest as his finger cautiously drew small circles on her hip bone. She focused on his hands as they so slowly and softly ran up the side of her body.

She waited for the sparks, the tingles, but they never came. Marcus with his feather like fingers stroked Jades sides lingering on the sides of her breast in the spot he knew were sensitive to delicate touch, but still Jade felt nothing. She tried to clear her head and focus on his skilful hands and still felt no ping of desire or any sort of feeling. 5

Marcus kept stroking Jade side's and knew something was wrong. Her body though relaxed wasn't responding the way it normally did. Her shoulders started to shake and not the way he wanted them too. Marcus stopped immediately as a soft sob Jade was trying to keep in escaped her.

"Jade." He sighed sadly and as desire, he felt vanished just like that.

"No please keep going I am fine." She sobbed again, and Marcus shifted not caring if more water fell onto the floor. 8

"Jade you're not fine. Hey, look at me." He gently placed his fingers under her chin and tilted her head backward, so she was looking at him. Her eyes were red, and her stare was blank as tears fell down her face again.

"Talk to me." Jade tilted her head back down and looked at the water again unable to look at Marcus's face scared of the disappointment that might be there.

"I can't feel anything." She sobbed, and Marcus wrapped his strong arms around her mid-section and pulled her as close as he could to his body.

"Oh, Jade. It alright." H placed a kiss to her semi-wet hair and whispered how everything was going to be alright as she cried in his arms.

"How about I was your hair okay. Then we can go for a nap." He said so softly as if he was talking to a child. Jade nodded her head and cried the whole time Marcus cared for her and washed her hair and body.

Marcus got out first and Jade watched water slide down his back to the back side and wished she felt something staring at his beautifully sculptured body, but there was only this blankness as if his naked body that once set her on fire was indifferent.

Marcus knew Jade was staring as he hung a white towel low on his waist and quickly dried his upper body. He smiled sadly at Jade as he got her out and dried her off before carrying her to his bedroom. He quickly dressed Jade and tucked her into his bed for he put on some shorts and jumped under the covers with her despite it only being 3 in the afternoon.

"Come here." He pulled Jade into him and she rested her head on his chest. They both lied there with Jade drawing circles on his stomach and tracing the contours of his abs. Marcus let Jade explore his body in a non-sexual way while she gathered her thoughts together.

"Everything feels so blank. Like a darkness has overcome my life. I don't feel anything, and I want to, I really do, but it feels so meh." She kept drawing circles and Marcus wrapped his arms tightly around her. 4

"We will work it out okay. You rest for now. We can think about it later okay." He kissed her head and Jade found herself falling asleep quicker then she thought with the steady beat of Marcus's heart softly beating in her ear.

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