Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 34
“Picky cat lady”
“So my brother wants to fück you. Congratulations.”
I took a long hard look at Kiera.
The woman was munching on potato chips, sitting cross legged in front of my TV watching reruns of Project Runway.
Because clearly there weren’t any other flatscreens in this huge äss house that would’ve put the Playboy mansion to shame.
“Gee.” I rolled my eyes, trying to pick a dress to wear tonight. “I should be
“Oh yeah.” She held up a chip in narration. “He’s very, um, picky.”
“Biscuit wouldn’t know ‘picky’ if it hit him over the head multiple times.”
Picky was me going through a hundred and six dresses in the last hour and still not have something to wear on a stupid little dinner date.
Perks of being a neurotic adult female.
I sighed in annoyance at the glaring lack of clothes here that didn’t have frills or satin or anything else I’d want to be buried in. Everything looked like it belonged to Jane Eyre’s great grandmother.
I gave up and joined Kiera on the sofa, watching a woman in a lime green patchwork dress walk down the runway.
I almost sobbed.
Unfortunately, even that monstrosity would’ve been acceptable.
Hell , a plastic bag would’ve been an upgrade to what I was working with.
“Why do I smell reeking desperation in the air?” Kiera asked, her eyes still glued to the screen.
“I don’t have anything to wear.”
Kiera looked at me.
“So what are we going for?” Her eyes lit up with excitement. Honestly, that terrified me. “Romantic, classy, modest, decent?”
“Raunchy.” I said, without hesitation. “See, your brother and I have a little bet going.”
I explained my terms to her. She kept her face strictly professional.
“I see.” She gave me a once over, pulling her dark hair into a bun. “You want to give him something to talk dirty about.”
“I want to give Mr. Picky a very hard time being holy tonight.”
Kiera got up, her eyes mischievous.
“I have just the thing.”
An hour later, I was in her room all ready, standing in front of the mirror. Kiera had exceeded all my expectations, going above and beyond the call of duty.
“One last thing.”
She put an oversized black coat over me, that covered every inch of my skin, except my fingers and my face.
I looked at the potato sack that I’d turned into. I almost groaned.
“This isn’t helping.”
“Trust me, it is.” Kiera’s tone was educational. “Don’t take off your coat until you get there, keep things light and don’t talk about sex.”
“Didn’t you hear me -”
“I did.” She said, all knowingly. “Honey, trust me when I say you can bring a man to his knees without saying one word.”
I nodded slowly, taking in her words of wisdom.
This was the almighty Biscuit’s sister after all.
“Thank you. If there’s nothing else, I’ll leave now.”
“Well, there is.” Kiera said, holding her door open. “He’s a piece of work but it’s only because he’s been through a lot.”
I put a hand on her shoulder.
“Biscuit and I are on the same boat : the SS fücked up. You know I won’t hurt him.”
She walked me to the foyer, where Biscuit was waiting in a black Aston Martin that looked more expensive than all my life’s earnings.
As I left, she was thinking about Biscuit in mock pity because I swear I heard her say this to herself.
“Oh, my poor, poor brother.”
Dear Virgin in Haven, please kill me if this woman ever shows up in a humongous black coat again.
It was the stuff of nightmares as I watched Victoria climb into the car looking like a redhead hybrid Death Eater.
The only part of her body that showed past that horrid black rectangle was her nails and I instantly knew I was screwed.
They were long, glossy and deep crimson.
Oh, she’ll feed on your soul alright.
“How are you this fine evening, milady?” I mustered up.
“Splendid.” Shortcake replied, all charming. “Nice suit, James Bond.”
On Kiera’s suggestion, I’d invested a lot of money into a black-on-black suit.
Also, on Kiera’s suggestion, I was to talk about kittens anytime things got a little too feisty.
I’d liked to believe my sister had my best interests at heart, but I was just a little suspicious seeing her at the door.
I waved at her. Kiera smiled back.
Come on, man. What could she possibly do?
“Well, I’ve got the car.” I answered Victoria, civil.
All I need now is the girl.
“Shall we begin?”
Victoria’s smile mirrored Kiera’s and I suddenly had a very bad feeling about this.
It was a short, comfortable drive to the restaurant. Victoria, oddly, didn’t bring up anything to tease me and we talked about silly things like politics and sports.
The only close call was when I noticed her shoes when I opened the door for her.
They were four inch white stilettos with inlaid diamonds that shone with every little turn.
“God dämn.” I whispered, as they disappeared under her coat again.
“Excuse me?” Victoria asked, confused.
“Kittens.” I said, swallowing.
She looked at me oddly.
“Kitten. Tiny cat child.” I pursed my lips. “Planning on getting one. They’re kind, gentle creatures, wouldn’t you agree?”
“Sure.” Victoria said. “They have claws and teeth entirely for kind and gentle purposes.”
I was still thinking about her shoes.
“I can live with that.” I managed to say. “Did you know that they lick themselves entirely clean?”
“Good luck with your self-cleaning animal.” Victoria said, as we headed for the restaurant. “Decided on a name yet?”
“Um, Diamond?” I said, lamely.
“Are you getting a kitten or a stripper, Biscuit?”
If I don’t get any action tonight, probably both.
“If I got one hypothetically, you can name it.” I said, solemnly. “My gift to you.”
She rolled her eyes.
“How hypothetically thoughtful.”
The restaurant was small and cosy, run by a local family who made the best pasta I’d ever had. I’d been here with my mother and Kiera once when I was younger. Nobody had recognised us here then but they’d treated us like we were part of their family.
“It’s not fancy.” I warned Victoria.
“No.” She said, as an old woman greeted us inside with a warm smile. “It’s perfect.”
We found a secluded booth in the back, and Victoria finally shrugged out of her coat.
I should note here that I’d never been into religion.
Victoria’s dress was ice white, sleek and tight, fitting her perfectly. There were no sleeves or even a back, just multiple pearl strings holding the whole thing together. The white lace straps that barely showed underneath screwed with any sense of sanity I had left.
Funny. Why then was it that all I wanted to do was worship this woman?
“Why are you doing this to me?” I muttered, mostly to the universe.
“Because I like winning.” Victoria answered instead, taking her time to walk around me, showing off her heels and taking my coat off too.
I caught her hand, taking a deep breath, going against my only instinct to pin her on that dinning table, and bite those straps off.
“Do you really, Victoria?”
“Careful there.” She looked at my hand around her wrist, her eyes dangerously dark. “Do I really what, Biscuit?”
I closed my eyes and counted to ten. When I opened them, unfortunately the dress was still there, the girl was still there and I was still very much fücked.
Get. Your. Head. In. The. Game.
“Do you really want a kitten, Shortcake?” I said, lamely.
Victoria laughed, knowing she had me wrapped around her little finger.
“Oh, don’t be silly, Biscuit. You’re the crazy cat lady.”
I realised there was a good chance my head would explode if I had to watch the way that dress danced around her body, not even bothering to conceal what waited underneath, for ten more minutes.
And we haven’t even ordered our food yet.
Victoria : “CRAZY CAT LADY NEEDS YOUR VOTE.” XD