Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 111
Subtitle: Fu*ck Fakers
Onyema: soup don finish for house, abeg run around come early so that I go cook small soup with the money wey dey my hand.
Uche: ehnn.. You fit help me with fifty naira, after I run around I go give you back the money.
Onyema: you dey always run around when money matter don enter, I no understand you oohh!
Ugochukwu and I went inside, I glanced back while we were walking on the hallway and saw Onyema pulling out fifty naira currency from his pocket and handing it over to his older brother.
I unlocked the door and pushed it wide open for both of us, Ugochukwu used that his dirty shoe and stepped in. I caught his leg and refused to let go.
Ugochukwu: why you dey hold my leg na?
Me: you don dey need help with your eyes, abi wetin? na my expensive mat you wan put this your dirty shoe on top.
Ugochukwu: so, the foot-mat cost pass my twenty thousand naira shoe?
Me: you dey find my mouth, I go throw you outside lock this door.
Ugochukwu: as if say you fit do am, my pity you before you go start to shed tears like tata.
He stepped backward and removed his shoe outside the room, I sat on my bed and my phone started ringing.
I picked my phone and I saw Veronica as the caller I.D, hope say no be that old man dey call again.
I picked the call and kept quiet waiting for the caller to speak first.
Veronica’s voice: my boo boo for life, how far?
Me: joy dey I swear yeye girlfriend, so na now you get my time bah
Veronica’s voice: awwnn… Nonsense boyfriend no vex. You know say your babe na correct babe, am missing you so much. How far my property?
Me: which property?
Veronica’s voice: wetin you dey use give me joy, hope you nodey share am with anybody or that person go hear am from me.
Me: na you sabi, when you dey come back. And you sef, after so many days na now you call me. You be real yeye girlfriend, aru!
Veronica’s voice: laughing hahahaha, am sorry my love. Meehh.. I just have to put things in order, mehhnn.. Gonna be touching down to Nigeria soon. Mehhn… These whites are a-----e. Mehnn..
Me: stop the mehhnn.. biko, before I go think say, them don turn you to goat. Your dad called me.
Veronica’s voice: what do you say?
Me: you hear me finish, your papa call me with your line.
Veronica’s voice: shit! am sorry, love. No listen to the old man, you know how old age dey worry head.
Me: you mean your papa head no….
Veronica’s voice: shut up jare laughing hahaha, I nofit wait to somersault with you on the bed..
Me: na the only thing wey dey your mind?
Veronica’s voice: I get plenty gists for you too, so you go like my buy chesse balls for you?
Me: wetin be chesse balls again?
Veronica’s voice: you skip childhood? or you just dey knack fufu upadan. Well there are lots of nice America chesse balls over here.
Me: keep am for our unborn children, when them cry mommy you give chesse balls. Leave me hand.
Veronica’s voice: children kwa? I no get strength to carry more than one pikin oh.
Me: but you get strength to dey somersault with me for bed every night, bah?
We went on and on discussing a lot of things, I felt like not disconnecting the call. That babe get big mouth I swear, and I love her flow.
I ended the call and saw Ugochukwu talking to someone on the phone, he ended his call also and looked at me.
Ugochukwu: them dey park now.
Me: make we dey go.
We both got up and went out of the room, I was busy locking the door when Ugochukwu called my attention.
Ugochukwu: na black shoe I drop here, how manage em turn to brown shoe?
I dropped my shoe I held in my hand on the floor and chuk my legs inside.
Ugochukwu: this thing no be my shoe, I know the color I carry come.
Me: you want make we go or you wan dey cry about your shoe.
Caleb ran inside the passage flying pass us calling Jojo.
Caleb: shouting Jojo, she don pass.
Jojo’s voice: who?
Jojo ran out of nowhere and ran pass us wearing his shirt as his hands worked frantically to put that on.
Ugochukwu managed the shoe and we went out of the yard to see Jojo getting ready to approach one fair girl like that.
Jojo: pawpaw, how far na?
Shade: Jojo, shebi I don warn you make you nodey call me pawpaw?
Jojo: my call you red toto, because as you fair like this. Your toto no go fit help but to red like tomatoes.
Shade: na your mama toto red, idiot. Useless boy.
For where Jojo still dey escort the girl, I come dey wonder if em go ever win the girl heart with the way he is doing the wooing.
The girl fit don reject am more than five times, and em wan just frustrate the girl anytime him see her.
Wetin I sabi?
We entered inside the car and drove to the car park, human beings were just walking front and back. Back and front, anywhere their belle face.
Me: where them dey na?
Ugochukwu: make I call them.
Ugochukwu dialed a number and one Igbo song started singing behind us, it must be someone’s ringing tone.
We both turned to face two elderly men and a woman, probably Ugochukwu’s mother.
The funny thing was the man holding walking stick and wearing deem up on his eyes, with one long chewing stick stuck in his mouth.
Me: na your uncle be this? I point at the man
The man with deem up and chewing stick, spoke.
Ugo’s uncle1: Ugogoro Igbo language eziokwu!
Laugh hold me.
To Be Continued...