Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 108
Subtitle: Fu*ck Fakers.
Teacher sat on a plastic chair under the dome of the porch his leg crossed as he stretched out his hand holding the novel, while his spectacle was placed on the bridge of his nose. Old Soldier was training around the field were my parents graves are.
Teacher: in the eighties and nineties, we crawl, cry, sweat while we were begging I wonder what kind of morals your teachers taught you when you were in school, unbelievable!
Me: my Chairman if you no wan kneel down, I go go inside oh!
Ugochukwu: only kneel down? haba.. you don fu-ck up na, crawl go back do wetin Teacher talk.
Mr. Okoye: I nofit do that kind thing, simple.
Me: you still dey get mouth.
Mr. Okoye: nonsense, I don beg you finish.
He turned and walked away, arrogant idiot! na just the beginning be this. When am done with you em go be like say trailer jam you forget your bones for road.
Ugochukwu: that man too dey proud.
Me: I swear, proud old man.
Teacher adjusted his spectacles and bent a little slightly making his eyeballs enlarge.
Teacher: has he left?
We never answer am oh..
Teacher: in the eighties and nineties while I was still serving my colonial master…
Ugochukwu: we hear you, but that one nodey bother me.
I waka go inside jejely enter kitchen picked chewing stick, I chewed it for sometime while I watched my Aunty and Joshua prepared the white rice and stew in the kitchen built behind the house.
The smoke coming out of the window, na wa oohh! I went inside and brushed my mouth.
I could hear loud voices in the frontage as all of them were there discussing.
I could even hear Rufus voice when I past through the sitting-room.
Rufus’s voice: the girl think say she sharp, I just carry am go one corner tidy am.
Voices: Rufu! Rufu!! you all are appraising cu-nt hunter nonsensical poppycock!
My head nofit carry noise so I just find my way to backyard go sit down for the plastic chair I kept on the pavement.
Joshua came and sat on the pavement slowly, because I dey give am sign with my eyes make em avoid any issues connecting to Ada.
Joshua: brother we thank God for you ohh!
Joshua: I don eat owuze tire I laugh a whole full goat, chaii.. I nofit remember when I smell goat that close talk more to eat am.
Me: as I don return like this, things go better.
He brought out a black waterproof from his short pocket and opened it, he kept it on the marbled floor by his side and started picking seeds of groundnuts from it. Cracked it and threw the ground-nut inside his mouth.
Anderson came out of the room yawning and stretching, I wonder if na now em wake. Abi, em dey busy dey check livescores through out last night.
Anderson: em no go better for Wolves Mad rid, food never done?
Joshua: na the stew remain.
Anderson: na groundnut you dey chew?
He bent and took a handful, he joined Joshua ministry.
Anderson: you attend groundnut secondary school apapa Local Government?
Joshua: no, where the school dey?
Anderson: I fear the way you dey chew the ground-nut.
My Aunty later announced to us that the food is ready for consumption, breakables plates were set for everyone and she dished the food. Everyone picked their own, but Old Soldier and Teacher were served them be our daddies in the house.
We sat around the dinning table as everyone consumed their plates of rice apart from Teacher who was staring at the rice like specimen in the laboratory.
Anderson: poverty mad oh! if my papa make mistake poor for next life, I swear na ritual I go use am do. Wetin em dey do when em mate dey hustle dey make money?
Ugochukwu: make your own na, hiaa! Teacher you no go eat.
Teachers: in the nineties and eighties we take tea for breakfast, I wonder what teachers are doing in our various school in between… he pick the meat and throw it inside his mouth delicious!
Rufus: Papa Jayjay, take am easy na before you go mistakenly swallow your spoon.
Papa Jayjay: what are you insinuating and deducing? I am miles ahead when it has to do with etiquette of reputable cadre.
Anderson: em don do, na just small advice.
Old Soldier: na this kind rice them dey serve us anytime we defeat Biafra soldiers.
Harry-P: make ona calm down, I wan release song after we eat finish.
After I cleared my rice on my breakable plate, I took it inside the kitchen and washed it. I came back to see them singing with Harry-P, I told them to go and take their baths so that we can make it to the village town hall.
Just then my Uncle Dede appeared at the doorpost and knocked, I opened the door and saw him.
Me: uncle?! good morning.
Dede: you don grow, collect hand he stretch out his hand
Me: ahh! I don stop to shake hand since.
Dede: you sure?
Me: I dey very sure.
Dede: em good to take Elders handshake so that you go grow like them.
Me: I know, Uncle come sit down.
The moment I turned to show him the chair that he should sit, I felt his hand on my shoulder.
He screamed and staggered backward with shock registered on his face, everyone appeared in the sitting-room staring at him.
Joshua: wetin this wicked man come do here?
My aunty: shut up! Joshua.
Joshua: but mommy em wicked na.
My Uncle Dede eyes bulged like he was seeing something human shouldn’t see, he raised his hands up in pleading manner.
Suddenly he started rolling on the marbled floor wailing.
Dede: aaahhh! don’t kill me oohh! I will confess, no floog me again ooohh! aaahhh!
Me: calm down na, for only two strokes you wan confess?
Dede: I will confess, aahah! ewwooohhh! chimmmooooo!! my waist oohh! I will confess.
Ugochukwu: be a man, collect more strokes before you confess joor.