Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 106
Subtitle: Fu*ck Fakers.
I turned and saw my aunt approaching us from behind, she tied a wrapper around her waist with a white top.
Me: aunty, good evening.
My Aunt: ehee! evening, you don grow like this finish. You no even gree come visit us again.
Ugochukwu: good evening, ma.
My aunt: evening oh, my pikin.
Me: aunt, I go explain later.
We went to the backyard and find my uncle Harry-P singing with earpiece covering his two ears.
He was so happy to see me and my aunt rushed to the kitchen to prepare fufu it have tay oh.
I told her we had lots of visitors for her to entertain. She complained of soup don finish blablabla.. I gave her some cash. It was getting late, I wanted to visit the village chief so that the town crier will go round and announce to everyone that their son is back home.
Ugochukwu: na only you fine for your lineage?
Me: I laugh hahaha, you dey look for my sisters, you have failed.
Ugochukwu asked me that question while we were walking alone to the sitting room after we entered the house through the back-door along the kitchen.
We got to the sitting-room and find Rufus and Papa Jayjay, while the other two is missing.
I no even see Joshua sef there, I come dey wonder why. I saw Rufus with entirely new out-fit and a wrist watch counting and dropping on the table.
Me: wey Joshua na?
Papa Jayjay: you meant the lad that called himself Josh? By now he will be in the West coast of the village.
By now Rufus has already arranged wads of cash on the table.
Rufus: five hundred for City ashewo, therefore three hundred naira for Village ashewo he drop the money on the table
Me: Ugo, come make we dey go abeg.
Ugochukwu: hope say we no go delay, hungry don dey catch me.
Rufus: I dey come oh!
I no gree wait, I rushed out and Ugochukwu followed with Rufus running after us.
We drove out of the house and asked people for direction to the village chief’s house, lots of people didn’t even recognize me again.
I don freshen up no be small, Balenciaga toto work winks. I drove to one block house without fence and parked under an apple tree in the vast compound, a man was sitting shirtless at the verandah with local gin on a stool before him.
We all came down and approached the man sitting in the frontage, we greeted him and he asked one of his daughters to bring out chairs for us. A young girl came out wearing a tight gown, her yansh no big oh! but the way Rufus was ogling her yansh till he even forgot to sit down make me wonder if na the same yansh we see.
We sat and the man asked us who we are, I told him who I am. He was so happy to see me, then and there I realized say the news of me contesting as the sole candidate for house assembly seat have spread everywhere.
Village chief: so my son no be me and you oh wetin you want my do for you?
Me: I want make you gather everybody for town hall tomorrow, I wan officially tell my people say I wan represent them and ask for their blessings with my mouth.
Village Chief: no be problem, you know say to gather everybody no be for free because the town crier go drink pure water. As tradition demands.
I gave him about twenty thousand naira and the man swing into action with immediate effect, see the way the old man dey call em daughter even my spirit wan jump out of my body.
His daughter came out the of the house, the one Rufus was admiring.
Village chief: check my shirt pocket, the one I dey keep money. Bring out fifty naira carry am go give village town crier.
His daughter: okay papa, papa what of this one? my carry am go drop?
Village chief: who send you? that one no need your help. I never too old to carry am go by myself.
We told him that we are running late we needed to leave, it was getting dark already. We got into the car that is when the man’s daughter came out of their house, I reversed and drove out of the compound.
Rufus: see fu-ck up! abeg, Honourable talk and do, park. I forget something.
Ugochukwu: ah ahh! Oga Rufus, we know say you no forget anything.
Me: wetin you say you forget?
Rufus: my heart, abeg park for here.
Ugochukwu: how manage you still dey alive?
I parked and he dropped off, he went back for his heart. Make yansh no kill am sha..
Ugochukwu: I don see person wey like woman pass you.
Me: abeg, I no like woman. I love money pass anything for this world.
My phone rang just when I was about igniting the car, I saw the caller I.D it was Profit calling. I picked the call.
Johannah’s voice: daddy, where are you let me come and bring you home right away!
Me: I laugh I dey heaven.
Johannah’s voice: which side in Heaven daddy?
Me: am in village, I go return tomorrow before you go come back from school.
Johannah’s voice: promise daddy.
Me: I promise.
Johannah’s voice: okay Daddy, mommy wants to talk to you.
She gave the phone to her mother.
Profit’s voice: hey, how are you doing, honey?
I removed the phone from my ear, this part of the acting no favour me.
Me: oh! sweetie, am fine. You?
Profit’s voice: am fine, sweetheart. Your daughter didn’t allow me to rest because you refused to return.
Johannah’s voice: yes, daddy. I almost killed mommy, I missed you!
This pikin get big mouth just dey talk anything wey enter her head. We talked on irrelevant stuffs before we hung up, I drove to the house and food was ready.
I just washed my hands and started eating with Ugochukwu, while Teacher and Old soldier were arguing about the 80s and 90s. Papa Jayjay was blowing the argument with grammar.
I finished eating and left the parlour for them to continue, I sat on the verandah with Ugochuwkwu enjoying the moonlight when Joshua came out of the house with low stool in his hands.
Joshua: brother, you still remember Ada?
Me: which Ada?
Ugochukwu was enjoying the direction the conversation was going, Joshua sat on a low stool by my side.
Joshua: ahh! ahh! you no remember your childhood babe? the one you promise say you go marry.
Me: that time I no get sense, now I get sense.
Ugochukwu: my man, you dey deny your village wife.
Joshua: she dey ask of you, she even tell me say she wan see you. She still love you very much and she no wan marry any other person apart from you.
Me: o shey! marriage councillor, deliver this message back to her. Tell her say I don marry two wives with ten children, you hear me.
Ugochukwu: the gods are confused laughing hahaha! this one you dey fear women, the more the better bro.
Joshua: but brother, where your wife and children them na?
Me: as my grandfather or my papa for blessing and confirmation to the family abi?
Joshua: Ada really love you bro, I see love in her eyes.
Me: stand up!
He got up from the low stool, I took it and placed it under my feet.
Me: go inside, sleep don dey catch you.