Must Read: Confessions of a Funaab Yahoo Boy - Season 1 - Episode 14

Episode 7 years ago

Must Read: Confessions of a Funaab Yahoo Boy - Season 1 - Episode 14

The next day, the painters came early and started the job. It took them 3 days to finish the job. I gave them their balance. My guys had already gone back to Ibadan. I felt everything had become okay, but with still little doubts on my mind. We moved back to the house. After the first night, it was only I and my mom slept in the house. We slept so freely. My mom recalled the housekeepers the next day. Night came, middle of the night was hell. The 3 of them were just screaming that they have started hearing the strange voices and sounds. Before we knew what was happening, one of them was shouting, “Ori mi ooo, Ori mi ooo.” (My head, my head). Before we could figure out what to do, the one screaming collapsed. Na so we rush her go hospital ooo. She went into coma and died that day. “Dat one na another problem entirely.” I called my guys (Uchenna and Abisoko) and told them what was on ground. They said they would go back to the Baba that told us to paint our building. The death of the house keeper was another problem that my mom asked the remaining two to go back to their families. The one that died, her family stormed the hospital with policemen.



They accused us of killing their daughter mysteriously. It seemed I had already known that they would try to arrest us. Na so I call G-money. Himself get connections and at that moment was in London. He had to call one of his relatives who was an Army officer. The Army officer had to do too many contacts and connections to get in touch with high ranking police chiefs in Kwara state. After everything, the police got an order not to arrest us. The hospital management had to send all of us out of the premises due to the commotion that we were causing. Na so I organize police that night ooo to protect me and my mom for the hotel wey we lodge.



The next morning we reached out to the late girl’s family to explain what happened but they were not ready to listen. My guys called me to tell me that they had gone to the Baba’s place in Apata. And he said the colour of the paint we used was not light magenta. That if it was, what happened would have not occured. So Uchenna said he asked someone on how to mix the colours to get white magenta and they said we should use orange colour and white paint. Na so I go paint market begin find orange colour and white paint. I got it and called the painters to do the job and they did and completed it. I was scared of calling some of my friends in Ilorin to come and sleep over.



Knowing fully well that I and my mom don’t hear all those weird sounds. Na only outsiders dey hear the sounds. I come dey think who I wan call again. I no wan just call somebody and same thing happens. It would look as if we were sacrificing human lives. And according to what Uchenna said that the Baba told them. “That if not that we left the house the day the house help died, the other two would have joined her.” I suggested if my mom would call one of her sales workers. She refused oo. She say she no wan endanger their lives. Na so I enter town go wait till 8:30pm and 9pm wey Prostitutes (Ashawos) dey come out. Na so I pack them 3 come house. I told them that I was expecting someone from Abuja that would do them good the next day. But I shah give them money, N5,000 each. I told them that my guys would come and service them the next day. As them enter the house, na so dem like am. I kept the three in my own personal room while I layed in the sitting room. Of course there was T.V and other electronic gadgets inside the room the Ashawos were. So it won’t be boring for them. Before I know wetin dey happen, sleep don carry me for parlour. I was awaken by a loud shouts and screams. The girls began shouting and screaming. My mom had to run out of her room.


The girls ran out of the room and asked if I wasn’t hearing any strange sounds. As they said it, “I realized that what we did was not successful.” Na so the girls tell me to open the door say dem wan go. That midnight I opened the gate for them as they ran out like mad people. “I hoped they had not gotten mad because the way they were running and scratching their bodies.” And that was the last time I ever saw them again. As I locked the gate, I went inside the house and to my room.


The girls no even carry their bags. In their bags were condoms and the money I gave to them.


Na so I sit down for my bed. Tears rolled down my eyes. I was so devastated. I don’t know what to do, who to talk to. I called my guys that moment to inform them of what was happening. They felt pity for me. “I have really lost money.” All the deals we had been having, I had not been participating due to all the house palava. But my guys have been kind enough to still be putting some few cash into my account.



The next morning, I had to relocate my mom to a hotel I paid for and went to Ibadan. I refused consulting the Baba at Apata. But my friends insisted we still go back to him. My mom called that she consulted with a prophet and he charged her N50,000. She willingly gave him. He said the prophet said he would go to the house with his prayer team and pray. And after the prayers everything would come back to normal
Two days later, my mom called that the thing didn’t work after the prophets’ prayers. She said she hired some people to go there and pass the night and they were still experiencing the strange voices and sounds. Everything come tire me. It was affecting me psychologically. No rest of mind. Our late former house keeper, their family still dey one side dey disturb. We were yet to settle with them. G-money was still in London with his new girlfriend. He was very aware of what was going on in my life. He even advised I go back to the Baba because he trusted him. He said Baba had done many works for him and none of them had failed him. Everyone close to me aware of the situation feels the problem was the paint and we were yet to get the true light magenta colour.


Na so I later agree. We (Uchenna and Abisoko) went back to the Baba. Even if he can give us another procedures we could use apart from the light magenta colour. Baba said there was none, unless I will get him the b----t milk of a lioness. And I would be the one to get the liquid. “Dat one na suicide mission nah. I no fit do dat.” When he first said it through his interpreter son, I thought he was just joking. But him pikin talk say Baba no joke oo. He was serious about it. He said the paint option was better and we should go and try and if we didn’t get it right, we should come back so he could refer us to someone. Na so me and my guys pack go Ilorin. This time, I used red and cream colour. I went back to the original painter that first painted our building. I told him to mix it very well oo. And they began work. “Na so people for street come dey ask questions say na every day we just dey paint our building!” And it was true. “I don’t blame them.” The stress is getting much. We now paint our building almost every day just to chase away evil spirits.
4 days later, me sef no know say my guys dey fear sef. They refused sleeping in the house. Na hotel dem and my mama go sleep. Na so I enter town with Abisoko car that evening go get Ashawo. I just wanted to find out if my guest would prostitute will experience the strange voices and sounds after we had painted it. I met one who caught my attention. She was relatively beautiful, huge and tall. She was very engaging and jovial. I was inside the car while she stood talking with me. No time to waste, na so I tell her make she enter car ooo. She entered and I drove. “I never had any plans to make out with her. Everything was just for experiment if what we did had worked.” She said her name was Mabel. Na so we just dey talk as we dey inside car. Mabel was very intelligent from Edo state. I stopped by to buy food from a buka.



Na so we reach house oo. Fear begin catch me. Too much doubt on my mind. Part of me was like, “this girl is too good. What if the thing didn’t work and midnight the strange voices come up to kill mabel?” Me sef no want make she die oo. “Looking at her, I was just feeling for her.” We got home and ate the food I bought. She really liked our house. From there we enter bathroom together. Before I no wetin dey happen, we were rolling on the sheets. Mabel had a waist bead on her waist. First, second, third rounds and I was tired and slept off, only to be woken up with a painful slap on my laps. I stood up immediately. Standing in front of me was Mabel. “So you want to use me for ritual? You want to use me for rituals abi?” She said shouted. Me sef come dey look am and dey wonder wetin dey happen. She


laughed telling me that I can never succeed. That what I had planned has just failed. I was just looking at her. I come dey wonder if she don mad! Na so she begin wear her clothes ooo. As I was about to ask what was going on with her, na so she shunned me. “Oya give me my money and let me go,” she said to me. “Me mabel! na im dem wan take do ritual,” she repeated again. She began talking on how she’s from Edo state and nobody can harm her. “Dat juju wey you put for this house no fit do me anything all,” she said. At that moment she said that, I began realizing that it seemed mabel knows that there was something in our house. She began shouting that I should give her her money and that is N20,000 or else she would expose me that I use people for money rituals. Na so I reached out to my pulse, bring out the complete money and gave to her in fear that midnight. Na so she just waka dey go. I was so scared. I called my guys and told them what happened.
The next morning they began explaining to me that many prostitutes I see are into diabolical powers. “Many of them dey go native doctors and babalawo places.” They said mabel wasn’t an exception and infact the girl knew that something was wrong. She knew that there was something about that our house, she felt it that was why she reacted that way, feeling it was done to use her for rituals. Me sef come dey wonder, “so our house keeper wey die, dat one na sacrifice.”


We went back to Baba in Apata and informed him that the last act wasn’t successful. He directed us to a man in Ogbomosho named Edun who is a renowned painter. He said Edun was also in tune with the things of the spirit and will help us do the job. “I just hoped and prayed this one worked.”
Na so we call Edun, he said we should come to Ogbomosho to come see him. We travelled to Ogbomosho and met with him. We negotiated and he agreed to come to Ilorin. We went back to Ibadan. Funke called me. I had already told her I was in Ibadan so she was in town to see her family. And me too don miss her. I gave her the directions to the place I was staying so she could come and see me.
When funke came to the place and address I gave to her, she saw me. Na so she screamed, throwing her small body on top of me and gave me a great mouth kiss. I was so surprised about the kiss oo. She was so excited to see me. When she realized she just gave me a deep kiss, she looked at me, “just ignore that,” she said. I had really missed her ooo. She opened her pulse and brought out a beautiful wrist watch and gave to me. She said she got it for me. I was so happy and thanked her. As I was walking Funke to the house, Nuella called my phone. Funke was holding my waist. “Thank God Funke was not looking at the screen of the phone.” “Hello, I will call you back later, abeg,” I said. I didn’t want funke to know anything. As we got to the sitting room and sat, Nuella was still adamant. She was still calling. Funke nearly caught me when she wanted to snoop. I switched off my phone immediately. I and Funke talked, joked. She asked me about my I.T, because I told her I was doing mine in Abeokuta but do come to Ibadan for some seminars on online business I teach people. We talked. After a while, I switched on my phone to make a call to someone. After the call, I left the phone on the table to go to the toilet. I forgot it was unlocked. Na when I return I come realize say my yansh don open.



As I got to the sitting room, I met funke standing with my phone on her right hand. Her countenance has really changed with the look on her face. She was just shaking her head. I asked what was wrong. “Gbadebo you have killed me,” she said. “Ahh whats the problem,” I said, thinking it was just a normal joke.



Funke— So someone is pregnant for you?
Me — Pregnant keh! Were you hear that one (said with a smiling face)
Funke — So Nuella is not pregnant for you abi? You are denying it.
Na so I come dey form James bond as if I no know wetin dey happen.
Me—Who told you that one? (I was still asking foolishly).
Before I knew what was happening, Funke smashed my phone on the floor and everything shattered. She began crying. It was dawned on me that she was aware but how she got to know! I went close to her with a pity spirit. I held her and she was like “Gbadebo leave me.” she spoke softly as she wept. Me sef come feel the thing come start to dey confess. “I guessed she read the text messages exchanged between I and Nuella on my phone.” That was how she got to know.



Efforts by me pleading with Funke, to even grant me an audience. The girl no gree. She told me it was over between us as she took her bag and left. I even followed her out of the compound. I had to turn back as I didn’t want people looking at the drama between us with tears all over her face. I went into the house, took the debris of the shattered phone away while I took the sim and inserted it into my other phone. As I was switching the phone on, Nuella’s call came in. Out of anger, I blocked the call. I tried calling Funke but her line was switched off. I was so devastated and weak. My guys were not helping matters at all. They even like it that Funke had broken up with me. Right from unset, they didn’t like her, even with the way they call her “Funke Kpomo lips.” If not for the journey we would be embarking the next day to Ilorin, I would have followed Funke oo.
Throughout that moment till night, I kept on trying Funke’s line but it was switched off. I sent her text messages.


The next morning, I woke up weak and sad. My guys were laughing at me. But I encouraged myself as we dressed up and went to Ogbomosho to pick Edun the painter. From there we went to Ilorin. When we got to Ilorin, I lodged Edun in a hotel, though not too expensive hotel. My guys were able to sort their own bills out. I later took Edun to were my mom was lodged to see her. After everything, we went to the market and got the paints we needed. Edun followed us to the market. We got a red and white coloured paints and returned.



The next day, we took Edun and materials to the house. He had earlier told us he would do the job alone. And he commenced work. I watched as he mixed the paints. He was just making incantations. Na so me leave oo. He started the painting. It took him 7 days to complete the job. After completion, He told us we can move back that everything had been done. Na so me sef dey fear. “No be so the other ones dey before the strange voices return!” He assured us that he has done the right thing and he had been in this kind of business for over 20 years. He has even seen evil spirits worse than the one we are experiencing. Na so I pay Edun and he left back to Ogbomosho. Na so me and my guys enter street oo. We got about 3 runz girls. I was still having little doubts on my mind but it changed the next day when they woke up sound without any complain of strange voices and sounds. I and the girls slept in the house. My mom slept out at the usual hotel.


The next day, I was yet to talk with Nuella. Funke had refused picking my calls. My friends encouraged me to try picking up Nuella’s call because she was carrying my baby. The mistake had been made and nothing could be done about it. But I was still adamant. I couldn’t get to hold it that I was about losing funke.


Few days later, it seemed things had returned to normal with the strange voices and sounds. My mum and the house keepers had moved back into the house. I and my guys had returned back to Ibadan. I had tried as much as possible to look for Funke’s place in Ibadan. She had couple of times told me that they stay in Bodija. I told my guys to accompany me but they refused. None of them want to accompany me to Bodija. I went on my own. I tried my possible best with the description of Funke’s street she once gave to me when things were good between us. After several hours of search, I finally found their building and flat but I was told funke had gone back to Lagos were she was doing her I.T. I was so disappointed. But I was ready to travel Lagos to find her. I knew the name of the food company but didn’t know where it was in Lagos. I didn’t want to start asking the young lady I presumed was her sister that I met at the house. I didn’t want to start asking numerous questions that would make her suspect me as a kidnapper.


After leaving the place, I tried making contacts with my friends who may know the food company. But dem no know. I was so tied that I left for my place.


When I got home (where I and my guys were staying in Ibadan), as I was about to enter the sitting room, a call came into my phone. It was Uchenna. Na so I pick am. He said Nuella was asking after me and they (he and Abisoko) told her that I was experiencing some family issues that was weighing me down, that was why I was not able to communicate with her. Infact they even told her that I nearly died sef if not for God’s intervention. Na so my guy come tell me say Nuella dey inside house dey wait for me. I began wondering how come! “How did she get to know this place?” “Who brought her here?” Or maybe my guys dey joke shah” I thought to myself. Not until I went into the sitting room and sitted on a chair was Nuella. I was shocked. As she saw me, she just stood up and came and gave me a deep hug. “Since you don’t want to come to tell me what was happening. I have come,” Nuella said to me.


She started asking me why I refused to tell her what was happening. That it took my friends (Abisoko and Uchenna) to call her to tell her what I was going through. By then, I knew it was my friends that brought her to the place we are. I was feeling so weak and behaving like a dummy. I couldn’t respond to her numerous questions. Tears rolled down my cheeks. “Baby you are crying. Is Ok,” she said to me. Only if she knew the pains she was causing me,” I wasn’t crying for her or problems. I was only crying for the love of my life that was gone. I struggled to hold myself but couldn’t. The tears were still rolling down from my eyes. “It’s okay, is okay nah. Do you want me to start crying too,” Nuella said again. He brought out handkerchief and whipped my face. As all that were going on, I was yet to alter any word. Me sef come dey form, she was even begging me to talk. Finally I talked. I appologized for not picking her calls.


Na “Is okay” she come dey tell me. I tried a little to explain to her concerning what I and my mom went through the previous days. Though I was able to choose my words. I never went deep to explain so many things to her. I just told her we were under spiritual attack just as how Uchenna must have told her. After everything, she said she wasn’t going back to Abeokuta that day. Well it was late. Even though I didn’t like the idea because it would give room for temptation. But I had no choice. The room I and my friends share in the house, they had to vacate it for both of us(I and Nuella) to stay. Even though I was still bitter with my friends for bringing Nuella without my consent. My worst fears came to pass because that night, I and Nuella had s-x. I couldn’t control myself. She was all over me, coupled with her emotional oppression.



The next morning, I was willing to follow Nuella to Abeokuta and come back to Ibadan the next day. She was so happy that I was following her to Abeokuta. Uchenna took Nuella and i to the park to board a bus going to Abeokuta. I was just angry, my friends would be willing to encourage and support me when it comes to anything about Nuella but Funke, dem no go gree. We boarded a car. Nuella sat beside me as she layed her head on my left shoulder, browsing with my phone. I was deeply engrossed In so many thoughts about Funke that I lost consciousness of the happenings inside the car. I was thinking about my life and what was really happening to me. “Gbade, don’t you think it’s high time you stop all this yahoo yahoo!” something said to me as we were still inside the car. I was even wondering on the thoughts when I was brought back to the present state by screams and shouts, “Yaaaahhh… Blood of Jesus, egbami ooooo. It was just like a dream. “Gbosaaaaaa,” was what I head. That was an accident. There was just silent


everywhere as I just went blank.


At a time I began hearing voices of people arguing. I was hearing “Na only one person die.” Another person was like, “She don die?” “No she never die.” I struggled to open my eyes but couldn’t. Finally I did open my eyes, only to discover that I was in the hospital with drip pipes connected to my body. Some people were around me. I tried lifting up my hands but couldn’t. I felt slight pain around my left arms. I began shouting “Nuella’s” name. One of the women in the room began calling the nurses. Na so nurse come come tell me say make I relax say I no fit make much moves due to my health status. I made an inquiry on Nuella and she said they were in another ward. And that she sustained slight injury. Before I knew what was happening, the doctor came in and sent the people inside the room away. Remaining only me and him. He said my mom and my friends would soon join me. Na so me begin wonder oo. “My mom and friends!” “How dem take know say I get accident?” “Who told them?” I couldn’t really figure out what was going on untill Uchenna and my mom came in. My mom hugged me so tightly as tears rolled down her cheeks. As she was hugging me, na so police with gun come inside and was like, “Madam Oya nah.” “Wetin dey happen?” I thought to myself. My mom told the man she was coming as she rushed to meet the man, Uchenna followed them too. Na so I look Abisoko, “Guy wetin dey happen?” I asked Abisoko. He said there was nothing. But the way he was smiling and responding shows there was something wrong. First, the last time I could recollect, I was with Nuella inside a car.



Opening my eyes I found myself in the hospital and I was about to ask how everything happened.” Na so Police dey call my mama. As I was trying to ask Abisoko what happened and how they got there, I began hearing my mom’s voice outside. She was arguing with some people. I began hearing her say, “they should leave me so I can recover first.” “Abi police wan arrest me,” I thought to myself. Na so begin ask after Nuella again. Abisoko tell me say she don go house. “Mba nu,” I thought to myself. First I was told she was at another ward. Now Abisoko dey tell me say she don go house. “Na so doctor say he no fit beg me to calm down say if I like make I lose the drip wey dem fix, jump from window.” But I was only filling slight pains on my arms and no were again. I felt I was okay.


My mom entered the room I was again. Na so three police come inside com handcuff my left hand to the bed. I began asking what was going on. Na there my mama begin para for them come dey say whether na me kill her. As I hear “kill her,” “kill who!” “Na who I kill?” As I dey ask, na so an elderly man and not so young woman come inside the room. “So this is the person,” the woman said. Na so security begin chase everybody out of the place to avoid catastrophy. My mom and my 2 friends were left with me, my hand still handcuffed to the bed. Na there my mama and friends come dey explain to me wetin happen ooo. “That Nuella was gone, she was dead.” My mom was not so happy with me. That someone was pregnant for me and I didn’t inform her and I was heading to hospital for abortion. I was unable to reply what my mom was saying, “no be dat one e dey me yet.” I was yet to recover from the shock when I was told Nuella was dead. ‘How come? what happened.’ Abisoko began telling me that she was the only one that died in the car accident. Others, nothing happened to them. Myself was just a slight injury on my left and right arms. Na so I begin cry ooo. My mom said that they alerted the deceased parents and they came.


Na dem(Nuella’s parents) tell the police to arrest me. They said we were returning from where we went for Nuella’s abortion. As my mom still said it, I looked at Uchenna and Abisoko. “Shey una no tell this people say no be abortion we go do?” I asked. They were trying to defend me that Nuella didn’t do any abortion or was planning to do that. Abisoko began regretting, that if he had known, he wouldn’t have called Nuella to come see us in Ibadan ooo. Na him come cause am. Infact I began wondering who even told them that Nuella wanted to abort the baby. But all that didn’t hit me much. The death of Nuella was a blow. It looked as if my head got swollen. I couldn’t speak much. Too many questions on my mind. How come she was the only one that died inside the car. And according to Uchenna, it was a trailer that hit our own car oo and there was no much damage to the car. At a time I just felt I was born with bad luck. “Problems here and there.” My 2 friends had told me that the gist had even spread to the whole school (FUNAAB), that I took my girlfriend for abortion and we were coming back and had an accident that took her life.


The next day I was discharged from hospital. By then the police had freed me. I and my friends went straight to Lagos, to Nuella’s place. We went there through the help of Adaobi who gave me Nuella’s address. Infact it was a big loss and blow to us. I wasn’t really interested in who told the deceased parents that she was pregnant. “I no get interest for that one.” Na to just vindicate myself of false accusations. “I had already asked my mom to go back to Ilorin when I was immediately discharged.” I suggested we went to Nuella’s place with police men but Uchenna said that won’t be proper that it would look as if I was guilty. As we went, we were also accompanied with 3 of our friends.
When we got to the deceased house, she had already been buried and they were holding a candle light session for her. Immediately we stepped into the compound. As the woman that came into my room at the hospital which I guessed was the deceased mom. As she saw me when we walked in, “Blood of Jesus. The Lord rebuke. The Almighty God rebuke you,” she shouted and pointing to me. There was a distraction. As other people turn come see me.



Na so them begin speak in tongues. They were shouting “the Lord rebuke you.” “Agent of the devil,” all of them shouted at me. Na so dem begin abuse me ooo. Some were calling me “satan,” some “evil spirit.” Na so fear come dey catch me. It was there and then I came to know that Nuella’s parents were pastors. A tall guy I presumed was a relative came and prevented us, most especially me from coming close to the candle light session.



Some people were even busy praying against us, calling fire from heaven to consume me. It looked as if I was not wanted there. They don’t want me in there as some guys asked me to leave. But my friends were still telling me to keep calm. “Those guys no want me.” They(Nuella’s parents) said I raped their daughter and forcefully impregnated her. The said I forcefully took her to Ibadan for Abortion. “Na dat one pain me. Me no want wahala.” ‘Even with the sight of the things I was seeing, I couldn’t hold back the tears coming down my eyes’. As the argument was still going on.


Some of the family members had prevented us from coming in. Na so one girl like that come carry Olive oil come they spray us ooo. She was screaming, “let fire consume you. Let fire consume you.” Na so I ask myself, “Na who fire wan consume.” Another one carry bottle water com dey sprinkle on us. Before I knew what was happening, this people had brought up a prayer point say we be demons. That God should destroy all demons in that arena. I looked at my friends, I was so weak and emotional. I can’t just go where I am not wanted. I told them I was going back to the car since the deceased parents didn’t want to see us, me to explain what really happened between Nuella and i. I told my friends to come so we leave. They still insisted we stay. Na so meleave them go sit down inside car. I cried so bitterly as I was seated in the car. Nuella was gone. Uchenna came to meet me inside the car. Na him come dey console me. Uchenna said we should leave and come bac the next day with an elderly person because they were not ready to listen to us. “Maybe by then, the deceased people would grant us an audience.” We left and came back with one of Uchenna’s elderly relative from his mother’s side who agreed to accompany us after much explanations. When we got to Nuella’s place, they didn’t even allow us to come inside their house except for Uchenna and his relative who were allowed in.
I sat on a chair at one corner of the building.


A tall man came out of the house while approaching towards my direction. He came to me and I greeted him. “You are the Gbadebo, right?” he asked. I no know whether make I say “yes” or “No.” me sef don confuse. He took an empty plastic chair close to me and sat. “Well, what happened?” The man asked. “Him sef don see as my eye red.” I told him how I and Nuella began but hid some vital things from him. After telling him, he said his name was Pastor Sam. The way he talked with me, I thought at least I had someone from the deceased family side who was listening to me, giving me audience. Not until after talking with him. He said I was cursed. That I should go for deliverance as soon as possible because if I don’t, what would happen to me in the next days would be worse. As the man was talking, e pain me. I felt it was an insult. If not because we were mourning, I for abuse the man. Na so e say make I collect him number incase I need counseling. Make e no be like say I stubborn.


And since we are still trying to make peace with the deceased family. Na im make I collect the man number as he call am. I saved it on my phone hoping to delete it later. Pastor Sam left me. “Na so I begin think about Nuella again ooo. Just some few weeks to her graduation from the university and she was gone.”
After about 2 hours, Uchenna and his relative came out of the deceased house.