Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 - Episode 46

Episode 8 years ago

Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 - Episode 46

Tony’s gym had increased in weight. The dumb-bells had become heavier, the barbell had also become heavier. Maybe it was because it had been long since i carried them last.

Tupac carried the barbell lying on the bench with so much dexterity, while i started coiling with the dumb-bell. That was what an experienced local “gymer” like me was suppose to start with. The program for local gym Nationwide was: Coiling with dumb-bell first, then benching with barbell, and finally pull-over with barbell.

Soon Brainbox joined Tupac benching, while i continued coiling.

“Brainbox why you dey shine your teeth na, shey na your teeth dey carry the gym?” I said to Brainbox.

“guy you no know say if i shine my teeth e go give me more strength to carry the gym well well” Brainbox said.

I will never forget my friend Akputu way back then. The guy’s teeth always worked out with him whenever he was working out. Little wonder he had mighty teeth. Him smiling in the dark could scare the living daylight off someone. He was the Vampire i had seen.

Working out was his best food, little wonder he had the manly curves of someone that works out regularly. His second best food was Akpu and Okro soup. That was how he got the nickname Akputu. What a funny nickname.

It is only in the barracks that you will hear funny nicknames like: Fishboy, Akputu, Itirebor, Bros Sanu, Messosis, Kpata nla, Loud speaker, Na lie, Old age, Dog head, Captain Akamu(CA for short), Piss and Kunu(twin brothers), KuliKuli For All(KFA for short), Agama, Mangala, amongst others.

“this bench no good oh, e dey shake” Brainbox complained as he lay on the bench carrying the barbell.

“guy bone that thing, e good, no be me and you dey gym on top am? instead of you to talk say you no get power to carry, you dey talk another thing” Tupac said and smiled.

His smile reminded me of the late American rapper Tupac Amaru Shakur, he was really his look-alike; bald head, well built, six-pack, and straight nose.

Seeing Tupac’s six-pack, i counted mine, and it was still seven-pack as it had always been since i started working out in my early teenage, three packs on the left and four packs on the right. Maybe the one pack that added to make it seven was “Jara” from God.

Jara isn’t a football club by the name Jara Fc or Jara United, neither is it a Television station by the name Jara Tv, it means an extra of anything paid for that is given free of charge for the asking.

“guy you resemble Tupac wey dey sing oh” I had to say.

“Tupac na my senior brother na, i wan even write 2pac as Tattoo for my right chest, just like the type wey Tupac write for him chest the time wey him dey alive” Tupac informed.

“and them go shot you five bullet for your chest just like them shot Tupac” I nearly said.

I had finished coiling, it was time for me to bench, both of them had also finished benching, so we swapped.

What Brainbox complained about the bench was true, it was shaky.

As i benched, i prayed the bench wouldn’t destroy leaving me and the barbell to sort ourselves. And what happened in 1999 wouldn’t repeat itself.

What happened in 1999? You would ask.

June 23 1999 was Agama’s first day at the gym, which happened to be my birthday, i was giving myself a birthday work out along with my friends. Then came the lanky Agama. He ordered us to serve him the heaviest of the barbells.

We were shocked.

But because Agama was our senior, we had to obey him, we never knew working out wasn’t done by seniority but by strength.

To our surprise, Agama carried it lying on the bench and we started counting 1.2..3…4….5…..6…… And the last straw that broke the Camel’s back or rather the last straw that broke the Camel’s chest was when he tried raising it for the 7th time.

The barbell landed on his chest.

We all ran with our feet touching the back of our head.

I thought Agama had died.

When i got home, i slept from 5pm till the following morning. That kin by force sleep na.

I woke up in the morning to hear that Agama was rushed to the hospital. Who removed the barbell from his chest? Is a story for another day. What happened the next day is also a story for another day.

The barbell created an indelible mark in Agama’s chest, making him have Nine-pack.

As Brainbox and Tupac continued coiling, i supervised them, correcting them where the need be.

As i stood close to Brainbox as he coiled, i heard; “craaaaaaaaaaak!!”.

“yeeeeeeeaaaaah! Flow! Flow!! my hand don break oh!!” He cried.

He hastily dropped the dumb-bell. Guess where it landed?

His left foot.

Like what happened in 1999, i ran. Tupac also ran.

But onlike in 1999 we ran home to call the others.

“make we enter Ilya du Neked wire na, e don tay wey i drink Pammy oh” Man said in the evening of the next day as we sat at Big boys cutz.

“i go follow una go drink oh” Brainbox said.

“na which leg you go use waka go? Abi you go enter Aeroplane go?” I said.

“Una go carry me for back go na” Brainbox said.

“who go carry you for back?” I needed to know.

“na you na” He answered.

“me? Carry you? Make i carry you for back make people think say i wan use you go do sacrifice, abi you no know say you resemble wetin them wan use do sacrifice” I said what made customers at Big boys cutz laughed.

Brainbox looked not like a sacrificial Lamb but like a sacrificial Goat. With Plaster of Paris on his swollen leg and Bandage tied around his broken wrist, he looked like a survivor of a plane crash.

“next time if you see gym you go run” Man said.

“no mind Brainbox, make we dey go drink jor” Tupac said.

We had barely taken Seven steps when we saw a Toyota spider car drove into our compound.

The two persons i saw in the car were Tochi and his elder sister Kate.

“so this Tochi get motor?” I asked.

“him get na, you no know say him be Yahoo boy” Bigie answered.

“so this kin small boy get motor, nawa oh” I said.

“Tochi no be small boy oh, him just get baby face” Bigie stated.

“abeg make we hear word, the boy na small boy jor” Tupac said almost immediately.

“no dey talk wetin, you no know abeg, i know the guy pass you, i say him no be small boy” Bigie attacked.

“boy wey no fit pass 22years nahim you say no be small boy, you no get sense oh” Tupac raised his voice.

“na you no get sense, i dey tell you about person wey i know you dey talk r’ubbish” they were arguing. Just like they always argued about their late role models; Lasane Paris Crooks and Cristopher Wallace.

To me, Tochi was a “small boy”.

If him be small boy, why you com dey fear am? You would ask.

Why i no go fear am, he was a cultist for pity’s sake.

You nkor you no be cultist? You would further ask.

I was a retired Cultist, while he was a point 1 of Buccaneer.

Him no be man like you? You would still further ask.

Him no be one man oh, only him na “mans”.
Oo Yes, “mans” is the plural of “man”. Oyibo people go just dey decieve us, if the plural of “mango” is not “mengo”, then why wouldn’t the plural of “man” be “mans”.

On a more serious note, one could hardly find Tochi alone without atleast two “mans” with him, because he was a cult leader.

If i was to Luckily find him alone without his “mans”, i would surely beat the hell out of him like his elder i was. After beating Tochi the Leader of Buccaneer, the next and best thing for me to do would be to pack my bags and leave Owerri, or better still leave Nigeria, infact leave the World, because Buccaneer Confraternity is a Worldwide cult. So many “mans” worldwide would surely chase me to Planet Mars.

“wetin i know be say Tochi na small boy” They were still arguing.

“make una stop to dey drag jor, una never hear tori for town” I brought the argument to a stop.

The word “drag” isn’t a mistake, it is the Pidgin interpretation of the English word “argue”.

“wetin be the tori?” Bigie curiously asked.

“Police don arrest Chief Livinus” I announced.

“why dem arrest am na?” Tupac asked.

“dem say na him send dem Ade make dem kill Chief Ogbonna” Man said.

“ehennn! Why him kill am na?” Bigie inquired.

“him and Chief Ogbonna wan contest for Local government Chairman election, and him know say Chief Ogbonna go win the election nahim make him kill am” I told the story. I told it how i heard it, without missing words.

“nawa oh! People wicked oh! But who tell una this things sef?” Tupac asked.

“na Baba jay and Snoop, you know say na them dey dey house na” Man said.

“who tell two of them sef” Bigie asked. “when you reach house make you ask them” Man answered.

We had barely drank for 2minutes at Ilya du Neked wire when i saw two Police Vans suddenly parked. My dull brain initially thought the Policemen came to drink Pammy.

Some guys ran, i tried running also, but when i needed my legs the most, it failed me.

The next place i saw myself was in one of the vans.

I wept.

I looked left, i looked right, and i saw none of my friends amongst the guys that were with me in the first van. I guessed their legs saved them, while mine failed me.

I wept bitterly like bitterleaf.

I noticed that amongst the guys in the first van, i was the only person not putting on Kegite regalia. I looked to the other van and saw that about five guys were also not putting on the regalia.

Amongst the guys not putting on Kegite regalia, i saw a familiar face, but i wasn’t seeing clearly, my eyes too were failing me.

I opened my eyes wide like the eyes of a Frog to see that the familiar face i saw was the face of my friend Man. Man wey dey reason.
I fasted for two days.

Fasting without prayers.

I broke my fast by 6pm with the Urine soaked Bread we were given.

Although the Bread smelled of Urine, it tasted nice. Maybe what i percieved wasn’t Urine but Jam.

That meant we ate Jam and Bread.

But i was sure those loaves of Bread were soaked in Urine and dried before they were given to us.

That was less a problem, the Sun stayed in the cell with us.

The cell was hot. Pipping hot.

The cell was crowded, so crowded that i could barely breathe.

That was less a problem, Mosquito chop my body like Suya.

Mosquitoes feasted on me like Bee to Nectar, they saw my skin as a Nightclub to club on.

That was less a problem, the cell smelled nice.

Fragrance of poo made the cell smelled heavenly.

That was less a problem, my back was a seat althrough. A seat for a guy named Commando.

Commando was the direct opposite of the Actor Arnold Swanchneiger(e be like say i no spell am well). He was Lanky, unkept, bushy hair, skinny, charcoal black teeth, burgundy red eyes, Elephant trunk-like Nose, Kpormor lips, Coke and Fanta skin. Thats all.

Thats not all oh, his fart was a Time bomb. It came within every 30seconds interval, and it came poco a poco.

Poco a poco means little by little. And don’t you ask me what Language it is, because me sef no know.

For two days, my back was Commando’s Cushion. Leather Cushion, because my back was gradually turning Leather.

Commando was an inmate that took leadership of the cell upon himself because he was there before us.

Why my back became his Leather Cushion was because i insulted him for stepping on me when we first came. Man supported me to insult him, so his punishment was to fan Commando the Commander.

I was his Cushion while my friend Man was his standing fan.

I woke up the third morning speaking in tongues. Not speaking in tongues because i was praying, but speaking in tongues because i was Cold. The combination of my shivering and gnashing of teeth sounded like i was speaking in tongues.

I gnashed my teeth because our release wasn’t forthcoming.

“why you dey pray? We no need noise here oh” Commando yelled at me that cold morning, i guessed that was his “good morning”.

“i no dey pray oh” I replied.

“wetin you com dey do so?” He yelled more shivers into my Lungs.

“i dey sing” I thought someone else said that. But when i knew i actually said it was when he said; “so you sabi sing sef”.

“i just dey praise God” I was saying all these without my brain, or rather with my brain shut down.

Why wouldn’t my brain shut down? When i could feel my spinal cord almost breaking to pieces.

Why wouldn’t my brain shut down? When i was dead famished.
“oh! So you dey praise God” He slapped me on my head. As he did that, i started hearing a tick-tock sound as if the World clock was in my head.

“make i no praise my God again?” I said with heavy lips.

I really needed to praise God so He would take me from “behind bars” to “in front of bars” just the way He did in the Bible to Paul and Silas, i think.

As Man continued fanning Commando, my eyes went to his fingers, what i saw shocked me. He wasn’t wearing his ring. He wasn’t wearing his magical Talley.

“so them those policemen remove Man ring and them no turn to Rat?” I asked myself.

“abi the Talley no dey work again? Why Man no disappear comot for here na? Abi them the policemen dey use Talley sef? Abi na Man remove the ring by himself? Abi Man no wan just disappear?” I asked myself uncountable questions.

I was still lost in my thoughts when i felt something penetrating into my a’.sshole. I turned and saw that it was a finger of one of the inmates. My boxers was torn and he passed his finger through the hole to my a’.sshole.

“guy stop that thing, abi you dey mad” I left where i was standing to stand elsewhere.

“but wetin tear my boxers for nyash sef?” I asked myself. The answer to that question was that i had farted about 200times since i came behind bars.

“nna mehn! Na my mess tear my boxers oh” I concluded because my boxers tore directly opposite my a’.sshole.

Why wouldn’t my fart tear my boxers? When my stomach was running because of the urine soaked bread i ate.

I continued shivering and gnashing my teeth or rather speaking in tongues, when i heard two Policemen walked to our cell and one of them said; “those boys wey be cultist, if una hear una name make una dey comot one by one” He opened the cell.

That was when it dawned on me that they arrested us because they thought we were cultist.

He mentioned Seven names, and i didn’t hear mine. He kept repeating a particular name; Ugochukwu Eke. My mind told me the name sounded familiar.

“present Oga officer!! na my name sir!!” I cried out.