Story: Man Wey Dey Reason

Episode 8 years ago

Story: Man Wey Dey Reason

The next Afternoon, we were off to work. Guess what our work was? Drinking.

Drinking became our proffesion since Opopo found riches.

Behind the Lady that came to serve us more drinks dangled two a’.sses, one at the Top and one Below. I was shocked. Or was i seeing double?

Seeing she resembled the Yoruba woman that owned the drinking bar, i concluded she was her daughter.

Yorubas are known for their arsenal of a’.sses. Their a’.sses could cause traffic congestion. Sorry to say, searching for an a’.ssless Yoruba Lady is like searching for Kuli Kuli in England.

I will never forget our neighbour back then in the barracks, albeit not our next door neighbour. The Family was a family of a’.sses. The Mother had an a’.ss that i would best describe as a Satellite dish. The first daughter had an a’.ss that i would best describe as a Travelling bag, the round type. The last daughter was so a’.ssful that one could barely see any other part of her body but a’.ss! a’.ss!! a’.ss. Her name was Sade.

Whenever Sade walked, she always dragged her feet on the floor because her a’.ss was too heavy for her to carry, and kids in Barracks always made jest of her singing the popular Barracks song with the first line as: “Ikebe no dey heavy the owner, eeeh! eeeh!! Ikebe no dey heavy the owner, eeeeh! eeeh!!…………………”

If there is a place in the world that is the worst place to raise a child, that place is the Barracks. Saying Barracks children were rascals was an understatement, they were wannabe thugs.

Talking of rascalism as a proffesion, i was the CEO of Rascals Nigeria limited when i was a kid. I will never forget what I and my friend Cosmos did to his elder brother. We poured watery Poo into his elder brother’s plate of Beans, and we steered vigorously with a spoon.

Since Beans and Poo are twin brothers, he did not only eat the mixture, he sent it home with chilled water. Our reason for such wicked act was because he refused Cosmos from playing with his mates.

Back to Sade. Oh Folasade!! I had a crush on her because she was beautiful both facially and Ikebely. But she had a problem.

She had Yoruba intonation wasn’t the main problem, the main problem was that her grammar was nothing to write home about.

I will never forget what she said when i was conversing with her one hot afternoon. The following conversation ensued:
Codo(that was my nickname then): I came to your house and you didn’t greet me, why?
Sade: I greeting you na. Didn’t you seeing me greeting you?
To her, the past tense of every English word was gotten by simply adding “ing” to the word. Little wonder i preferred conversing with her in Pidgin English.

I was 17 then, and Sade was a year older. It was I who d.isvirgined her. She also d.isvirgined me.

The F’.ucking happened one evening that i was watering our farm. She too was watering their farm which was just next to ours. They had no Well, so she came to our Well to fetch water.

The urge for s’ex got to boiling point when i stared at her a’.ss as she bent down to fetch.

I grabbed her from behind with my d’ick almost tearing my trouser and her wrapper to penetrate.

We fell not on Vitafoam bed but on Ugu bed.

I was ramming hard when suddenly she started shouting: “Mogbe oh! Tambolo oh! Mogbe oh! Tambolo oh!”, i thought she was shouting because she was enjoying it, or maybe she needed it harder.

What i never knew was that Soldier Ants had started doing their Job on our bodies.

At the second sting, i jumped up and started dancing Makossa. I saw some of the Ants holding Church meeting in my P’ubic hair.

Had anybody farming around had us shouting, the person would had thought Elephants were stampeding.

The roll in the hay or rather the roll in the Ant bed lasted 3minutes because it was our first time.

“My name is Flowey, I am a Medical Doctor, i am half Italian, half Nigerian, i own that Jeep parked outside, i just came to buy my friends drinks” I said to the Lady that came to serve us drinks as i stood with her a bit far from our drinking table. I knew i said that under the influence of alcohol, under the influence of a combination of Red wine and Beer. Had it been Opopo heard me said i owned his Jeep, i would had been a dead meat.

“what is your name?” I asked her.

“my name is Folakemi, i am a student of Futo” She said.

“who ask you the name of your school?” I nearly said.

“so i should call you Fola, or Lake, or Kemi, which one?” I teased.

Yorubas are known for names that are combination of several other names. True or False? For instance the name Akindayomi is Four names in one.

“just call me Kemi” She said.

Hey! I know the question running in your minds right now is; “Flow shey you collect her number? Well, when we reach there you go know.
We got home that evening to meet a visitor in our room. The visitor was Pastor Kel. The main pastor of our church.

Baba jay had informed us in the barber’s shop that Pastor Kel was in the room, but we never believed him, even after we saw his car parked outside.

The adage; “seen is believing” could be best applied when drunk. Maybe that was why we needed to see before we believed.

Lo and behold we saw the ever Elegant Pastor Kel in the room.

“Good morning sir” Man said. “na morning be this?” Brainbox corrected him.

“Sorry Good bye sir, Sorry, Good Afternoon sir” Man stammered. He still couldn’t get the correct greeting. One of the things alcohol could do to a man.

The Pastor laughed uncontrollably. So did Pkc and MOG.

We did our best for the Pastor not to smell that we were drunk by speaking less.

Within a twinkle of an eye, i heard Man and Brainbox brushing their teeth in the bathroom.

“una get sense abi? Una don go brush una teeth so Pastor no go smell say una don go drink abi?” I said in my mind.

If they so wish, they could wash their mouths with soap and sponge, the Pastor would still percieve the Alcohol.

I say so because i know as i know my name that Pastors all over the world has spiritual Nose. Or so i tot.

When Brainbox and Man came out of the bathroom, the Pastor suddenly said; “which of you drank alcohol?” pointing his finger at Brainbox and Man.

“Pastor no be me drink oh, come smell my mouth na” Man said.

“speak English” Pkc said to Man.

“Okay, Pastor it is not I that drunk alcohol, come and smelling my mouth” he said the English version of what he earlier said.

“Man you dey Mad oh, na Pastor you dey tell make him come smell your mouth, you no dey fear God?” I nearly said.

“Pastor don’t mind him, he likes being funny” Pkc said.

“he is really funny, i must say” said Pastor Kel. “this place is still smelling alcohol oh, or is it Urine?” He added.

“Pastor you well so? How you go say big boys like us go dey piss for bed?” I nearly said.

“Pastor what you are smelling is not Alcohol, it is the smell of my perfume, it smells like Alcohol” I saved the day with a Big fat lie.

“are you sure?” Pastol Kel asked. “i am sure Pastor, i am sure” I answered.

I hurried to the bathroom to brush my teeth also, so i wouldn’t end up being the Scapegoat.

When i came out, Man said; “Pastor i want you to pray for me, i will wrote JAMB next week”

“If you “wrote” JAMB with that kind of Grammatical error, you will definately score 15 out of 400″ I nearly said.
That reminds me of my childhood friend Cosmos. He checked his JAMB result and saw 31 as his score. He was shocked.

After he printed out his result, he neatly added “1” to the 31 with a Black pen to make it 311. He got home and gave his “proffesional” Illiterate parents the result and told them JAMB had increased their cut-off to 350, and they believed.

Just for that singular act of lying to his parents, he never passed JAMB.

He wrote JAMB up to 8 times, and gave up. He gave up because most of his mates had graduated, some like myself were even working.

Why i liked Cosmos so much was because albeit he wasn’t sound academically, he was a smart young man. He couldn’t speak correctly, but he was willing to learn.

As i write, he is in the North rearing cattle i guess.

Mehn! i really miss him. I remember the fun memories ab initio our chilhood with nostalgia. Well, like they say; “Twenty children can not play together for twenty years”, and like they say also; “we meet to part and we part to meet”.

Pastor Kel held Man’s both hands to pray for him, Pkc and MOG stood as backup, while I and Brainbox watched like spectators.

At that moment, i wished the prayer would neautralize the Taley in Man’s finger and cast out the spirit of “Taleyism” in him.

Can i hear you say “Amen!!” to that.

“Pkc na the money wey we make for one week be this, how we go share am na?” Snoop said one evening.

“share it equally” Pkc said.

“we are lacking foodstuff, each of us is to contribute 1000naira for foodstuff” Pkc informed.

Baba jay handed me my share of the money we made at the barber’s shop that week, i counted it and it was 2000naira.

2000naira in just a week wasn’t a bad pay at all. Or so i tot.

“so which of you will go to the market to buy the foodstuff” Pkc asked.

“Me and Flow” Brainbox said.

“God forbid bad thing! No be me and you” I responded immediately.

“why you no want follow am go market na?” Baba jay inquired.

“i no well” I said.

“wetin dey sick you na?” Man asked.

“na malaria, i get malaria” I said. Or rather I lied.

They never knew i was doing my best possible to prevent the Ekonunwa market Mad man incident from repeating itself. Maybe the mad man might kiss me this time around.

Talking of Mad people and their troubles to the normal people, I will never forget what staring at the n’.akedness of a s’.exy mad woman did to my friend James.

James and I went to Alaba international market to buy his Dad a Radio set, on our way back, we saw this n’.aked mad woman. Not half n’.aked but stark n’.aked.

Before i knew it James was keenly watching or rather admiring the mad woman. As I saw that the t’oto of the mad woman was a Tropical rain Forest of hairs, i looked away because it was irritating.

My friend James kept admiring with his mouth ajar like it was the first time he saw a n’.aked woman, or it was the first time he saw a mad woman.

Passers by were not even looking at the mad woman, but James continued looking at her bushy t’oto even after i cautioned him.

T’oto is not the name of a beer brand, neither is it the name of an electronic make, it is the name of a Bank.

The Bank so many Guys preferred putting their Life savings in. T’oto Bank Limited(TBL) is a world wide Bank with Branches in between the legs of most Ladies(for some that likes BJ, its their mouth) is the best bank to most Men. Some owns Fixed deposit account, others owns Current account, while some others are Savings account owners. Be it as it may, T’oto Bank has being the best Bank in terms of service delivery since time Immemorial. For those that love to withdraw late at night, there is always an ATM. Some Men even went the extra mile of buying a branch of the Bank to themselves, but by and large, those Men would definately pay for the services rendered, even more than other Men that refused owning a branch.

James keenly looked at the n’.aked mad woman until an on-coming Motorcycle hit him hard.

I looked and saw that James was flying without wings. Thank God he didn’t land on the road with his head, it would had been a completely different story. And thank God he sustained little or no injuries.

But the second-hand Radio we bought landed into a gutter of running water. And water carry am go.

To own a Radio at that time is like owning a Blackberry phone now.

We got home and James turned stammerer as he narrated his ordeal in the hands of robbers to his Dad. James was an excellent manufacturer of lies.

But that day he manufactured a sub-standard lie.

That was the day i knew a knock on the head could sometimes sound like a Violin. The knock James father landed on James head affected me as i stood about 4metres away.

James had to look for money to buy his Dad another Radio set.

“okay Brainbox and Baba jay will go buy the foodstuff in the market” Pkc stated.

“shebi Opopo and Tega no sleep here last night?” Snoop asked suddenly.

“yes na, i no know where them dey go sleep oh, since Opopo buy that Jeep Tega never sleep for this house” I said.

That was true, since Opopo made it big and bought a car, Tega had refused sleeping at home.

Or were they keeping something from us? Or was it the instruction given to them by their Babalawo that they should never sleep at home? Were they planning to rob a Bank? Are the questions that time must answer.

“Man don go write JAMB abi?” Tupac asked me one Saturday morning as we sat at Big boys cutz.

“yes oh, the guy don go write JAMB oh” I answered.

Were it to be possible for Man to write the Exam with the help of his Taley, he would surely had scored 400. But Taley no dey for this one oh, especially when it had to do with the dreaded Use of English.

I so much dreaded Use of English that when i wrote JAMB, i saw my question paper as a wild animal, i was so scared of it. The sections i hated the most were the sections that had to do with pronouncing English words. You needed to see my mouth when i tried pronouncing those words, it looked more like the mouth of a Fish.

Fish! Fish!! Fish!!! I will never forget how i got the name Fishboy. No be say my Mama dey sell Fish oh, neither was my Father a Fisherman.

There was this woman that fried Fish close to my Primary school back then. Saying her fried Fish was delicious is an understatement, her fried Fish was super delicious.

She always came out in the morning to fry, and on our way to school, we always bought her fried fish to eat as we walked to school.

I was a die hard customer of Mama Ochola’s the fried fish Mama. Even if i forgot taking breakfast at home, i wouldn’t bother, as far as i was sure i would buy Mama Ochola’s fried Fish on my way to school.

Mama Ochola’s Fish wasn’t a Fish but an Elephant. Small but mighty. The more you ate, the more it increased.

Were Mama Ochola to be alive in the time of Our Lord Jesus Christ, I would had said it was her Fish that Jesus Christ multiplied to feed five thousand. But it wouldn’t had been her Son Ochola that would had offered Jesus Christ the two fishes because he was very stingy. Stingy isn’t the right word, he was a glutton.

He would steal his mother’s fishes to school and refused sharing it with us.

Thank God it wasn’t Mama Ochola’s fishes that Jesus multiplied to feed the five thousand in the Bible, were it to be her fishes, there wouldn’t had been remnant. because her fishes was capable of making one bite off his/her finger.

I had forgotten i kept my “choping money” in my school bag one morning, so i went to school without taking a dose of Mama Ochola’s fish.

For those of you “Ajebutters” and Ajebutters wannabes, Choping money is not money you use in preparing vegetable soup you eat with Eba. Choping money is the money given by Parents to their Children to buy themselves Breakfast/Lunch in school. The other day i saw my 8years old cousin crying that he wanted to take Rice and stew to school and not Rice and Beans. I Laughed so hard because i wasn’t even privileged to take Beans and Kpomor to school, not to talk of Rice and stew. Children now have Lunch boxes, then whoever brought food to school was considered from a rich home.

During break time in school, i searched my school bag properly and found the 50k.

Oh yes! I spent Kobo in my early primary years.

Since Mama Ochola’s fish joint was outside the school compound, Ochola her son who was my classmate gave me a bad advice to leave the school premises through a hole in the school fence.

I went out of the school compound through the hole that was created by Primary six boys.

The Head Master had warned that whoever is caught outside the school premises during school hours would be expelled.

With Oil from the fried Fish all over my lips, i walked majestically back to school after spending the whole 50Kobo.

Immediatelly i put my head into the hole to enter the school compound, i heard; “just enter, you are dead” it was the Gate man, i was really dead.

I was so lucky not to had been expelled, the Head master tampered Justice with mercy after i told him i went to buy fish, maybe it was because he was Ibo like me, or maybe not.

The fried Fish i ate digested instanta when i was flogged Twelve strokes of cain. That wasn’t all, i also washed the school toilets, both Male and Female, and even Staff toilet.

Since that day, the name Fishboy spread around the school like Staphylococus.

“guy make we go gym na” Brainbox suggested.

“guy as you thin like this, you wan go gym, you go fit carry gym?” I said to him.

“Forget that thing, the last time wey una go gym i no follow una?” He replied.

“no wahala, make we dey go na” I said, as I Brainbox and Tupac were off to Tony’s gym.

Had Brainbox knew what would happen in the nearest future, he would had listened to me and not gone to the gym that morning.