Story: Man Wey Dey Reason

8 years ago

Story: Man Wey Dey Reason

I dragged in and pretended as if i was choking, and he started laughing, he never knew i was f’ouling him.

I puffed out like an amateur and coughed, and he laughed the more.

“you must smoke am finish oh” He stated. “bros i no go fit smoke am finish oh” I pleaded.

Show me your friend and i will tell you who you are, goes the saying. Brainbox was my friend. What would Brainbox had done in such situation? Was what i asked myself.

The wrap of weed i was smoking was “delicious”, and it was giving me inspiration. Inspiration for mischief.

“i hope say una never send the video go another phone?” Kate warned.

“we no send am go any phone, as you don delete am, the video don go be that” Man said.

Suddenly, one of them came punching Man for no reason. Maybe he saw Man’s stomach as a punching bag.

“Man see as them dey beat you, use your Taley na, abi your Taley no go work here?” I almost said. I never knew he had a plan.

Everyone to his plan. I started manifesting what i planned.

I started shaking like a Cassava leaf.

“this one don Kolo oh” Kate’s brother Tochi said.

I was staggering and shaking my head at the same time. As i removed my shirt, it dawned on them that a Mad man was with them. I also grabbed a beer bottle swiftly, smashed it on the floor, and smartly held Tochi by his neck wanting to stab him with the broken bottle in his eye.

“guy come hold your guy oh” Tochi cried.

Man came to my back, and instead of holding me, he whispered, “guy hold am well well, no leave am oh, e get wetin i wan do now” to my ear.

I turned and saw Man speaking to his ring.

Suddenly, He was saying “Forget! Forget! Forget!” as he quickly tapped their heads one after the other, including Kate.

They all instantly turned Dummies.

“Flow make we dey go, their eye go soon clear” Man beckoned.

I quickly took the two phones i saw on the table and joined Man.

On our way, i asked Man, “that FORGET wey you dey talk as you dey nak them for head, wetin e mean?”.

“e mean say them go forget everything wey happen after i nak their head with my hand” Man said.

I was happy they wouldn’t forget we had deleted the Video, but they would forget that i stole their phones.

There were so many mistakes in the update that begins with “The next morning was Sunday morning”

I have made the corrections, pls if u have read it before, read again after the next comment that comes after this. Am sorry.

The story continues…..

“Bigie you dey Mad oh, we give you our wallet yesterday make you hold for us, you thief the money wey inside abi” I and Man held Bigie to ransom at the backyard.

“Flow we go beat am today, him must pay us the money” Man thundered.

“but no be all the money wey dey una wallet i thief na, i remain small for una na” Bigie stated.

“thunder fire you! I get 10k for my wallet, you take 7k com remain 3k for me, Man get 8k for him wallet, you take 7k com remain 1k for am” I yelled.

I totally forgot that the person we gave our wallets the previous day was the Notorious BIG. Had i known, i would had left my wallet on the floor and went to Riverside hotel, it would had been safer on the floor than giving it to Bigie.

He was so smart that althrough the previous day he was nowhere to be found, until that morning that he sneaked in.

“Flow this guy must give me my money today oh, na that money i wan use go buy JAMB form, and na tomorrow be the last day for the JAMB form” Man said with fury written boldly all over him.

My prayer for Bigie was for Man not to send a punch to his face. A punch that might either make Bigie start dancing or turn him into a Dummy.

“because you don finish University abi? you no want make i write JAMB enter University abi, e no go work for you” Man thundered.

Man really needed to gain admission into the University and Maybe study English language to clean-up his poor grammar.

“I go blow this guy oh” Man threatened.

“no blow am abeg” I pleaded. I had seen enough of the wonders of Taley.

“ok, take this phone, go sell am for Ama Hausa, the phone fine, you go sell am like 6k for Ama Hausa” I offered Man the most expensive of the phones i stole at Riverside. Sorry, i never “stole” but just “took”.

My definition of stealing is taking something from someone without the person knowing. Since the owners saw me took the phones, so i never stole but just took them.

“Flow you sure say I go fit sell this phone reach 6k?” Man asked.

“guy the new of this phone na 14k for market, as this one still new small, you go sell am like 6k, i dey sure” I said.

Ama Hausa was known for buying items half the price the brand new of that item would cost, that is only if the item still looked new. For instance, if you bought a shoe 14,000naira, and two months later you intend selling that shoe at Ama Hausa, have it at the back of your mind that it would be sold 7,000naira or less.

“oh, you dey wear Gold sef, abi you thief that one sef” I saw the 18 carat Gold necklace Bigie wore.

Gold is Gold no matter what. And like the saying goes; “All that glitters is not Gold”. The CC and GL Kpatalico and Tupaco company marketed glittered like the stars, but they weren’t Gold.

“take this one, i go wear your Gold until you pay me the money wey you collect from my wallet” I removed the GL i wore, put it on Bigie, I also removed his 18 carat Gold and wore it. That marked the first time i wore a Gold necklace since i was born. Sorry, the second time.
The first time a Gold necklace entered my neck it lasted for about 2minutes. It wasn’t mine, it was for a course mate when we were in School.

“if you no bring my money before tomorrow, your Gold don go be that, i go go sell am for Ama Hausa” I threatened.

“sell wetin, how i go sell am, me wey never wear Gold chain since dem born me” I said to myself.

“Flow Ama Hausa dey open on Sunday?” Man asked.

“yes na, them dey open everyday” I answered.

“okay make i go baf, i go first enter Ama Hausa before i go reach Church” Man said as he walked away.

My Church service that morning would be awesome, especially with a Gold necklace hanging like a medal in my neck. Or so i tot.

Church was heavenly, i sang with Joy, and i danced like that day was declared World Dance day. All because i wore a Necklace that was pure Gold.

I was dressed Golden also. My shirt was a perfect description of what they call “bling bling”. It shone like the morning Sun.

“Flow make we dey go house, church don close na” Brainbox said.

“me and you na Twins? Dem born us together? Na must say we must go house together” I said to him.

As I and Brainbox walked to the bus-stop to board a bus that would take us to Nekede, i was hearing two Ladies gisting behind us. They weren’t gossiping about someone as normal when two Ladies are together gisting, they were telling themselves how awesome the Service was.

Why wouldn’t the Service be awesome? When it was the handsomely beautiful Pastor Kel that preached. Pastor Kel was a dashing hunk, with broad shoulders and pink lips.

Another attribute he had was his bald head. Saying his head was without hair is an understatement, his head was a Mirror anytime anyday.

Albeit Pastor Kel was married to a beautiful wife, saying all the Ladies in the church were heading over hills for him is an understatement, they were heading over mountains for him. And i was sure they could do anything to have a baby by him, and be a millionaire like rapper 50cent said.

“Touch not my anointed and do my prophet no harm” goes a verse in the Holy Book. I was sure the beautiful Demons on Angels skin we had as Choir members would not make the Spirit filled Pastor Kel fall out of Ministery.

I finally realized that the Ladies gisting behind us was Gabriella and her friend Sandra a.k.a small stout as they came closer.

Brainbox gave her the nickname “small stout” the first day he met her not because she loved drinking small stout, but because she was as short as a stout bottle.

“Nekede!! Nekede!!” The bus conductor was “shadowing”.

I don’t mean he was looking at his shadow on the floor, what i meant was that he was yelling for passengers to come board his bus.

If you live in Lagos, you would agree with me that “shadow” is a popular word you would hear mostly at motor parks and bus stops.

“Nekede! Nekede!!” the bus conductor yelled.

This time, his shadowing words sounded like “N’aked! N’aked!!” and not “Nekede! Nekede”

As i was about boarding the bus, something held my shirt.

I dragged, and dragged, until i heard, “braaaaaaoooo!”. That was when it dawned on me that my bling bling shirt had torn.
I thought it was just a minor damage, but when Gabriella that followed me behind said; “you shirt had torn, it is big oh”, that was when i knew i was in for it.

I turned and saw that what Gabriella called Big was actually “Bigger and Biggest”.

My shirt had suddenly turned a singlet.

My shirt was torn into two equal halves. One was on me, while the other hung on the door of the bus like a flag. A Biafran flag maybe.

“Conductor see wetin una door don do me” I cried.

“guy no be only you don enter this motor oh, people wey don enter before you enter no complain oh” The bus conductor said.

I wasn’t the only passenger that had entered the bus like the bus conductor rightly said. But it seemed the door of the bus saw the shirts of the others and left them, but magnetised mine like a nail to a magnet.

“sorry oh!” Gabriella was consoling me over the lose of half of my bling bling shirt.

“its nothing” I replied. It was actually “something”. Yes, it was a big thing.

“sorry oh” Small stout said.

“why you dey tell me sorry na? abi person die” I almost said.

“guy you look like all this Fulani boys wey dey pursue Cow, naso them dey dress oh, naso their cloth dey tear” Man laughed at me.

“na you be like Fulani” I almost said.

As we sat in the bus and the bus moved, i remembered something.

That “something” was that i had no transport fare, i had spent all the money with me as seed offering in Church. I planted the seeds because i was so happy, and i knew the seed would germinate soon. Or so i tot.
“Brainbox you save me oh, u know say i no get money for transport, nawa oh, and those girls for laugh me well well oh” I said to Brainbox as we alighted from the bus.

I had forgoten my shirt was torn. Torn to the extent that i thought i wore a sleeveless when i actually wore a long sleeve shirt.

“Tupac where you dey go wey you dey waka fast fast like this” I saw Tupac walking towards us. “i dey go South Africa” he answered.

“you wan jay comot for Naija? Why na? You don tayah for Naija?” I said.

It had escaped my memory that there was a place called South Africa in Nekede.

“guy Nigeria go better oh, why you wan comot for Naija?” I said the r’ubbishest statement in the world.

Or rather the most r’ubbishest.

Don’t try checking the word “rubbishest” in the dictionary, you would be causing yourself a heartache if you do so. Rubbishest is the superlative of R’ubbish. That is; R’ubbish, Rubbisher, Rubbishest.

“yes i wan travel go South Africa wey dey your village” Tupac said.

“you be Mumu, you no know say South Africa dey for Nekede abi, with this your Big head” Brainbox slapped my Ogor.

“guy them no born you well make you slap my ogor again” I threatened.

Ogor isn’t a short form for the Ibo name Ogochukwu, it is what the mountainious curve at the back of the head of all H’omo Sapiens is called.

Some humans have a Mountain Kilimangero as their Ogor, others have Atlas Mountain as theirs, while some others have Quatara depression as theirs.

When i say Quatara depression, i mean those with Flat Ogor, the kind of SIM card Ogor, the kind of Drawing board Ogor, the kind of Bicycle seat Ogor.

Legend has it that the brilliant ones are those with Long Ogor.

If that be the case, then my Cousin Ik should be the most brilliant H’omo Sapien God created.

Ik’s Ogor could cause traffic congestion. Sometimes i wondered how his mighty head came out of his Mother’s womb. By surgical Operation or by Bomb explosion, or both.

Ik’s Ogor could tear a Face cap and destroy a Hat. I am Sometimes ashamed of walking with him, but he is proud of his Ogor come Sunshine come Rainfall.

“no ever slap my Ogor again oh” I warned.

“i no go slap your Ogor again, but next time make you use your brain think well well, you don forget say South Africa dey for dis Nekede?” Brainbox said.

With the bag Tupac carried, i thought he was leaving Nigeria for greener pastures in South Africa. Were it to be so, i would had been happy for him. I had no choice but to be happy for him, even if i was sure i had not stepped my foot in a foreign land since i was born.

Sorry, I had been in a foreign land once. In my dream.
The Country i travelled to on a vacation was Spain. Madrid to be precise. But the dream wasn’t complete because when i was about having s’ex with a Spanish beauty queen, my phone woke me. I almost smashed the Phone on the floor, but when i saw that the person calling was my Dad, my frown changed to Smile because i knew money was already smiling in my bank account.

That was back then in school, one hot afternoon, i will never forget that dream.

“wetin you wan go do for South Africa?” Brainbox asked.

“i wan go gamble” Tupac replied.

“that Video wey dey your phone, you don watch am?” I asked Tupac, as i took him to a corner, far from the reach of Brainbox’s “Antenna ears”.

“i don watch am, una be bad boys oh, how una take Video Kate and Mama Ejima dey do that thing na?” Tupac said.

“guy i wan go gamble, and i no get money, e be like say i go use my phone gamble oh” he added.

“i go give you my memory card, so incase them chop my phone for gamble, the video no go just go” he further said, as he handed his tiny memory card to me.

“no wahala, but i wan ask you one question oh” I said. “wetin be the question” Tupac asked.

“anybody follow you watch the video?” I asked.

“nobody oh” he answered.

“what of Bigie? Him don watch the Video?” I asked.

“after we clear grass finish that day, Bigie comot for house, na this morning him come back oh” Tupac said.

“i no wan show am the Video sef, because i know say him get big mouth” He added.

True talk, Bigie’s mouth was as big as his size. He could go to Kate and demand money from her in exchange for the Video, and that would me disaster, real disaster.

“but guy make you and Man give Kate the Video na, that girl bad oh” Tupac warned.

“i go put the memory card for my phone com delete the video” I assured. I wasn’t sure i would do such a thing without reasoning with Man wey dey reason.

“delete am oh, because Kate na green snake oh” Tupac said as he walked away.

If she was a green snake, then my friend Man the tamer would tame her. Or so i tot.