“guy i pity Tega oh, that O”femmanu Officer don lock am up for 2days now” I said as we walked to Ade’s barber’s shop.
Yes, Ade’s barber’s shop was where we were headed to. And don’t ask me what we were going there to do, because if you ask me my answer would be, “when we reach there you go know”.
“but Flow ehnnn Tega put you for small wahala that day oh, sotey u begin dey mess like mumu” Brainbox said. “una dey Mad, una no fit tell them say no be me be Tega abi” I said. “if we tell them, them no go believe us na, and we want make dem show you pepper small” Man said, and they both laughed.
“But after we go where we dey go now, make we try reach police station go see Tega” Man suggested. “yes we go go, we go even buy food for canteen go give am” I said. “when him dey chop that O”femmanu Officer kporkpor, him give me chop? I no go follow una go abeg” Brainbox said.
“but you dey chop the things wey him dey bring come house abi?” I queried, “how i no go chop? Shey you no see as him cause make them carry all of us for Police Van go Police station? Like say we be thief” Brainbox said, “but them no do us anything for Police station na, them just free us” I reminded him. “na because Tega beg the O”femmanu Officer nahim make she free us” Man said.
“but women wicked oh, see as Tega dey for station since Two days now because of say him no wan dey wayah the O”femmanu Officer again” I said.
“Man, na Ade place we dey go so, we go tell am say make him help u market them ur necklace” I informed. “Flow eeeh! You be correct man, my mind no even go there” Man said.
“u go let Brainbox use Yoruba tell am, as Brainbox sabi speak Yoruba” I said. “no wahala” Man agreed.
We got to Ade’s shop to meet Ade seating alone wearing a gloomy face. Quite unusual. “Ade how market na?” Man asked. “Market bad oh, market bad well well” Ade replied.
That was the first time since i knew Ade that his barber’s shop was without customers. “abi na because Paco don open barbing salon near your own?” Man said. “i no know why oh, e be like say people no like my hair cut again, i no know wetin dey happen oh” Ade said with a frown.
“you know wetin dey happen abeg, your Otumorkpor no dey work again, your friend Paco don pack all ur customers with him Ibo Otumorkpor wey pass ur O”femmanu Otumorkpor” I almost said.
Otumorkpor is an Ibo slang which means a diabolic means of gaining customers by V’oodoo.
Paco was Ade’s best friend, who Ade taught how to cut hair, the same Paco was on the verge of chasing Ade out of the business.
Well, like they say, “no Champion forever”. But it really breaks one’s heart when the successor to one’s Championship is his/her best friend.
Well, like they say in Ibo, “O bu onye ma mmadu ga egbu mmadu”. Meaning, “no one else can bring you down, but your best friend”.
“Flow eeeeeh! see that my waka about shoe wey those MOPO thief” Man suddenly said tapping me on my shoulder. I turned and saw that not only his waka about shoe was on display, my Codosa shoe was also on display.
“Ade who sell this two shoe for you” I asked holding both shoes. “na one boy like that, the boy black, shey una like the shoe?” Ade said. “the two shoe na our shoe wey thief come theif for our house” Man said, “nawa oh, but una know say this my shop nahim people dey come sell things wey them thief, una suppose understand” Ade said with his voice unsteady.
Something in his eyes told me he was lying.
As Brainbox was telling Ade our reason for coming, i tried recalling the voice that informed the two MOPO in our room to leave the room on the night of the murder of Chief Ogbonna.
The voice really sounded like Ade’s voice. If i could recollect well, this was what that MOPO said; “MOPO!! Make we dey go, we don kill am”.
Goose pimple grew all over my body on the thought of Ade having a hand in Chief Ogbonna’s murder.
To add salt to the injury, Ade hardly talks to us when we come to cut our hair lately. Unlike before that he would gist us heaven and earth of the happenings within the vicinity.
Was Ade a MOPO? Why would he want Chief Ogbonna dead? Who sent them to kill Chief Ogbonna? I asked myself all these questions that only Time could answer.
Ade finally agreed to help Man market his Jewelleries and he collected almost all of what was left of Man’s Jewelleries.
“Ade keep that waka about shoe for me oh, i go come buy am” Man said as we left Ade’s shop.
Few minutes walk and we were at Mama Calabar canteen to buy the food we were to go give Tega in the Police cell. And also to fill our stomach.
“una travel? I never see una since” Mama Calabar said happily. “yes we travel” I replied.
As we walked out of Mama Calabar canteen to board a bus that would take us to the Police Station, i was glad we were fulfulling the part of the Holy Bible that says; “when i was in prison you came to visit me, what so ever you do to the least of my Brethen, that you do unto me”.
“who una dey find?” A policeman asked us as we got to the Police station. “na our friend wey dem lock here on Tuesday” I replied. “him name na Tega, we wan come give am food, and we wan see am sef” Man said.
As the policeman brought Tega out, i was shocked to see that Tega had grown skinny, and his neck was as tiny as a broomstick. “guy una forget me abi?” Tega said, “we no forget you oh, we just dey busy, and we no want make dem arrest us join” Man said. “guys, make una help me beg Officer Bimpe make she release me na” Tega pleaded. “when you dey enjoy kpormor, we follow you chop” Brainbox f’oolishly said.
We left the station without pleading to Officer Bimpe on Tega’s behalf oweing to the fact that we were scared. “but we for help Tega beg that Officer Bimpe make she release am na” Man said as we walked home. “guy, that O”femmanu Officer wicked oh, she fit arrest all of us oh” I said. “if to say una wan go beg her, i for no follow una” Brainbox stated.
As we were a few metres close to reaching home, my phone suddenly rang, i recieved the call.
It was Florence, she wanted me to come supply her more Jewelleries, that she had sold all the Jewelleries she was it. I told her i would come later, because i needed to poo, my stomach was running 100metres.
“guys, una belle dey do una wetin my belle dey do me so?” I said. “yeeeh! make we rush go house, s’hit wan comot for my nyash” Brainbox complained. “me sef ooooooh!” Man cried.
“e be like say na that rice and beans wey we chop for Mama Calabar place, e be like say the beans don spoil” I said.
As we hastened our steps, something came to my mind, that thing albeit funny but it was the truth. Who would first use the toilet while the others wait on a queue? So i said, “guy na me go first use toilet oh, na me s’hit dey worry pass”, “na me oh, my own s’hit don dey comot” Man cried. “make una two go use our Toilet, me i go go use dem Bigie own” Brainbox said.
I know as you read, you would be suggesting in your mind why don’t we use Bush water closet? That was a no-go-area.
Since Baba jay was caught by Nekede youths when he went to poo in the bush one day, we had all vowed never to poo in the bush again. According to Baba jay, the Nekede youths told him to either pack his poo with his bare hands, or pay 500naira fine. He went for the latter, that was after he was beaten blue black.
Bigie’s case was milder than Baba jay’s, he was given a “fair” option to either have a taste his poo or pay a fine of 1000naira.
Seeing the draconian measures the dreaded Nekede youths had taken to protect their Farmlands, we promised ourselves never to go near their farmlands. Albeit, every nook and cranny was a farmland to them.
Infact, It was better one poo on his/her clothes than to poo in their farmlands. Or so i tot.
We practically raced home to meet our worst nightmare.
“Baba jay wetin dey smell for this room na?” I asked as i dashed into the room. “na our Toilet oh, the soakaway don full, s’hit water nahim full our Toilet” Baba jay replied. “na lie!!” I doubted and ran into the Toilet to see for myself.
Lo and behold i met an eyesore, the toilet was flooded with dirty, smelling water. Even though my stomach was running, there was no way i could poo in such flooded toilet, unless i wanted to drown.
“Flow na true?” Man asked as i ran out of the toilet. “guy na true oh” I replied. “wetin we go do now, make we follow Brainbox go s’hit for them Bigie toilet” Man suggested. “them Bigie no dey house, Pkc don carry two of them go church” Baba jay informed. “na lie!!” I doubted.
As I ran outside, i comfirmed that Baba jay was saying nothing but the truth when i saw Brainbox running towards me.
“dem Bigie no dey?” I asked Brainbox. “dem no dey oh, guy i don die, s’hit don dey comot for my nyash, e no go better for Mama Calabar” Brainbox cried bitterly. “guy our Toilet don full, we no go fit s’hit there” I informed Brainbox. “and Papa Ejima them no dey, their door dey lock, even Kate sef” Brainbox said. “even if them dey, their Toilet sef go don full, Haruna don call people wey dey pack s’hit for tanker, dem say dem dey come” Baba jay informed.
“we no go fit wait make dem come, make una take paper make we enter bush” Man said offering us a sheet of paper each.
I strayed my eyes to Brainbox’s legs as he collected the paper from Man. He was dancing. If it were to be now, i would reffer to the dance step as Etighi. “see as s’hit dey make you dance like mumu” I almost said.
As we walked or rather ran out of the compound, i took a glimpse at the paper i held, it was a hard paper, it looked more like hardcover paper. Such paper could tear my a”sshole wider. It was the direct opposite of tissue paper.
I took a glimpse at the sheets of paper Man and Brainbox held. And i noticed mine was thicker than their’s.
That was less a problem.
The problem at that moment was if our poo would land us in Big poo.
First half over, and i changed my pooing position. This time the poo that came out of my a”sshole was like Egusi soup.
“e no go better for Mama Calabar” Brainbox cursed.
The place we were pooing was everything but someone’s farm, it looked bushy. Or so i tot.
An hour, and we were still there pooing. Not only that, the sound our a”ssholes made could be likened to that of a Ballistic missile.
Legend has it that one’s poo starts smelling nice when he/she spends as long as an hour pooing.
My mouth was wide open as i tried forcing the stubborn poo out of my bowel. I discovered that the poo ran out faster when my mouth was open than when it was closed. So i opened my mouth althrough, not minding that flies could perch inside.
Suddenly, i felt something cold came in contact with my neck.
The next thing i heard was, “if you move, ur head don go”.
As I turned, i saw a chubby guy on black singlet with a machete to my neck, it frightened me so much that, “gbaaaaadaaam!!” I sat on my poo.
Instead of me to plead with the guy, I angrily said, “see as you don make me sidon for my s’hit”. “you never start sef, you go soon chop your s’hit” The guy threatened.
From the corner of my eyes, i saw Man ran for his dear life, but when i saw three broad chested guys chased him, it instantly dawned on me that we were in for it.
Brainbox also tried running but was held firmly by one of the guys.
That was the beginning of our sorrows. I and Brainbox.
“you see this ur s’hit? U go chop am” The guy on black singlet threatened. “bros, e better make you cut my head with this cutlass oh, i no go chop my s’hit, God forbid!!” I sounded stubborn.
“oya lie down for this ur s’hit” the guy that held Brainbox commanded him.
Since i was already seating on my poo, there was no need for me to seat or lie on my poo.
“I say begin chop ur s’hit” The guy on black singlet ordered for the umpteenth time. “bros, e better make i die than for me to chop my s’hit” I boldly spoke.
“u wan die abi? Okay choose one; you go chop ur s’hit or you go pay 2000naira fine, or as you wan die, i go cut ur head” He gave me three options. “bros, 2000naira too much na, when una catch Bigie na 1000naira him say him pay” I almost said.
“i say choose one!” He yelled. “bros, i no go fit chop my s’hit and i no go fit pay 2k” I stated.
“okay choose the place for ur neck wey i go cut?” He said bringing the machete to touch my neck. The coldness of the machete on my neck sent cold shivers down my spine.
For a while, i forgot i wasn’t caught alone, but with my friend Brainbox.
“Agwo dem this boys no get money oh, make we arrange their Eshi for our Chairman” One of the guys that held Brainbox said dragging Brainbox to where i sat. “na wetin we go do be that na” The guy called Agwo replied.
If you are Ibo, you would agree with me that Agwo is a dangerous name. Dangerous because it means Snake. The guy called Agwo was really as merciless as a Snake. He was the same guy that wanted me to eat my poo.
“Agwo them this boys no get money oh, make we arrange their Eshi for our Chairman” I recalled what one of the guys said earlier.
If Eshi in Ibo means Head, then i would leave you to say the kind of Soup we were in; Okro, Egusi, or better still Ogbono soup.
It instantly dawned on me that these guys wanted to give our heads to their “Chairman” who would use it for Money rituals.
There had been incessant reports of missing persons lately, the bodies of these missing persons were after some days found floating in Otammiri river.
I turned to see that Brainbox had been baptized with his own poo. Poo was painted all over his shirt. And he sat very close to me, “guy no rub s’hit for my body oh” I warned.
“Enyi, make una carry them make we go arrange their head” Agwo commanded.
Enyi means Elephant. A perfect name for someone fatter than Bigie.
The “Elephant size” guy called Enyi dragged me up and said, “na today una go die, una go go do apprentice for devil for hell fire”.
“Flow anaa!!” I cried on a low voice.
“Floo anaa” means “this is the exit of Flow”. That was what i said because i had concluded we would die.
Enyi grabbed me by my hands with so much strength that he almost amputated me.
“Agwo biko nunu!!” Brainbox was pleading with Agwo while i put my Brain to work.
It was getting dark, and the place they were dragging us to was a deserted part of the bush that even if we cried for help, our voices wouldn’t be heard.
I heard a cracking, as if my elbow joint had been dislocated as Enyi pulled me with so much strength.
“okay, we wan pay una” I said and they stopped abruptly. “we go pay una with our phone” I stated. “where una phone?” Enyi yelled, “see my own here” I brought out mine.
“na dis r’ubbish phone be your phone?” One of the guys with a “bicycle seat head” said.
True talk, i was really ashamed of my phone, it lacked market value. I knew they would collect the phone and still behead us. Not “us” but “me”, atleast let me speak for myself, because Brainbox saved his head when he brought out a beautiful Nokia camera phone, a Nokia phone that the Market value shouldn’t be less than 10k.
The phone was familiar to me, but i couldn’t put my finger on it, and i was sure that wasn’t Brainbox’s phone, unless of course his pocket had started manufacturing phones.
Oh my world!! It was the phone i saw on the counter at the Police station.
Brainbox stole a Policeman’s phone. Nawa oh!!
If Brainbox could steal a Policeman’s phone, in broad daylight, in the Police station and go unnoticed, then where else can’t he steal from?
I was so shocked at Brainbox “Aka Abuo” skills that I couldn’t hold myself back from shouting, “Brainbox!!!”. “why you dey shout Brainbox, ur guy don save you, and u dey shout Brainbox” Agwo said tapping me on my head. “bros i just dey hail am, say him don try, him too much” I said.
“Too much” indeed, too much in Aka Abuo Ministry.
Aka Abuo is not Fulani but Ibo, and it means a fast pilfering fellow.
If Aka Abuo Gospel church were to be a church, then Bigie would be the Pastor in charge, while Brainbox would be the Assistant Pastor. Bigie was born a kleptomaniac was a known fact, but Brainbox stole just for the fun of stealing.
I removed my SIM card and handed my phone to Enyi. Brainbox never bordered removing the SIM from the Nokia phone because the phone wasn’t his, albeit the phone was off.
“okay make una leave them, God don save them” Agwo commanded.
They left us, and as we ran, Enyi ran after us with his machete raised up as if he wanted to strick our heads with it, that made me increased speed, Brainbox also.
“guy naso pesin dey die oh” I said, panting as we stopped running. “guy see my shirt” Brainbox complained, removing his poo painted shirt, since he wasn’t putting on a singlet, he was bare chested.
When i sat on my poo, half of my trouser landed on the poo, and half of my bare a”ss landed on the poo also. Since my poo was watery, it crested a Map of Nigeria on my trouser.
While it crested a small Map of Lagos on my boxers because my boxers rubbed off the poo that was stamped on my a”ss.
“guy so i go n’aked go house? Ur own even better sef say na only ur shirt the s’hit rub” I said to Brainbox.
I removed my trouser to reveal the crested Map of Lagos on my boxers. A Map that flies stuck to like Bee to nectar.
I concluded i would go home with just boxers. Or rather, boxers covered with T-shirt, because i wrapped my T-shirt round my waist to cover the Map of Lagos.
So we both walked home bare chested, just that Brainbox’s case was better than mine because he had his trousers on, while i had given mine as a birthday gift to the hungry Flies that perched on it in the bush.
As we walked close to our gate, i saw Kate walking towards us. It seemed Brainbox saw her before me, so he quickly hid behind Nkiru’s shop. It happened so fast that i couldn’t hide.
“where are you coming from dressed like this?” Kate asked. “ehnnn, i am coming fron ehnnn, i went jogging” I stammered. She stared at me from the crown of my head to the sole of feet without altering a word.
As she walked passed me, i noticed her a”ss almost tore the tight Mini Skirt she wore. She gave my d’ick a gift of a picture perfect parting frame.
And my d’ick grew taller, forming a mountain curve.
If you are a guy, you would agree with me that in your boxers sometimes you would find ropes hanging inside, the ropes were used to sew the boxers.
Ropes that the manufacturers intentionally left as a trap to curb those guys that always have hard on.
These ropes were in the boxers i wore that day.
As i took two steps forward, i noticed that the mountain my d’ick made gave me difficulty in walking, so i quickly dipped my hand into my boxers to adjust my d’ick, unknown to me that the ropes in my Boxers had coiled round my erected d’ick.
“aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” I cried.
My Iroko tree had been cut down. Or so i tot.
“is anything the problem?” I heard Kate asked.
“no oh, everything is alright, nothing has been cut down” I cried out.